KCI The Anti_Meth Site

Quit being a Co-Dependent on a meth user

khbird	How do you over come being co-dependent from a meth user? I remember you guys saying that I might be a co-dependent. well I have been looking up info on the computer about it, and yes I am I know in my heart Jim is doing me like crap, so why if I know this why can I not walk away for good? to me if I was real bad co-dep. I wouldn't see the signs. but I know the best thing for me is to quit seeing or talking or anything to do with Jim. But when I see him or hear from him I melt and let him back around, and what's bad is I know he is lying to me continually but I let him. I saw him and his ex today together the first time for this, and my heart was crushed I felt part of me died inside. I wanted to get drunk and forget I ever knew a Jim Taylor. I live in a small town so there is no co-dependency meetings and no counseling except at a church that me and Jim was going to and they talked more to the meth and drugs user than they did the family who was going thru it with them. so how do I forget him, and I am tired being hurt and crying myself to sleep at nights.
Replies...
Northapt	Re: How do you over come being co-dependent from a meth user? With no meetings like Naranon, allow me to suggest a couple GREAT books, CoDependant No more (Beattie) & Women who love too much (Norwood)
Nameless	Re: How do you over come being co-dependent from a meth user? I don't have an answer for the hurt or how to make it go away. I think the hardest part of being co-dependent, is letting go of the emotions. There is no website that will be able to erase this...it is a journey that you will have to walk. However you can make the journey equiped with a better understanding of yourself and the tools available to you to facilite the journey. Accept the fact that you will have to grieve the loss very much like you grieve when someone you love dies - and infact someone did - the illusion of the man you thought he was, has died. Now all you can see is the real person - the man as he really and truly is, not whom you believed he was. In my case the abuse/addiction was such that it became life threatening for me and I had to move out of state... completely accross country... However even after having moved I realized that certain events, places even aromas, foods etc could literally transport me back in time and I would become overwhelmed with feelings of intense saddness and profound emotions. Enough to make me double over...that's how intense the pain was/is. I realized that I needed to avoid emotional triggers. Here are some things that I did that lessened the gut felt pain from within. I share them with you, perhaps they might help you as well. 1- Until I became emotionally strong where as these things did not trigger any emotion at all, I avoided all trigger points that would bring forth a flood of emotions or memories of him. That is to say I avoided listening to the music station we used to listen to together, changed stations when songs we liked came on, didn't watch TV programs that we both watched, avoided going to places we went such as restaurants, supermarkets, Wal-mart etc. 2- Until I moved, I avoided driving on the same roads we drove. For me that was very possible because we lived in a large city. I stayed away from his side of town. 3- I avoided any and all friends that we shared. I literally terminated all contact with them. 4- I avoided the urge to 'find out' anything about him, how he was doing, etc. Zero contact. 5- I absolutely did not call him, and deleted his number from my cell phone. 6- My cell phone company was able to suspend my voice mail so when he called, a) I didn't answer and b) he was not able to leave any voice mail. 7- When I moved, I did not leave any forwarding address information with anyone but the post office. 8-I googled the internet to ensure there was no way he could pull up information about me such as my phone number or new address. If a site had my information, I wrote to them or did whatever was needed to ensure the information was removed. If you can not move, you can change your number make sure if it is a standard line that you get an unpublished number - then dont give it out to anyone. I use call block on my cell phone and home phone. 9- I gave myself permission to grieve, I acknowledged that my love was misplaced, that I errored in judgement, that we could never be together again. (After some time, I was able to accept that it was over period and that both he and I just needed to move on for our own well being.) 10- I prayed that God would remove the love that I felt for him and place it as far as the east is from the west. And I prayed for him, that God would heal his heart, mind and soul thus enabling him to seek help for his addiction. That God would take whatever hurt and pain we caused each other and turn it into good... I hope this helps you as much as it has helped me. What I have learned is that I deserve much better, I deserve to be loved first...it is not a priviledge but my God given right...and yours too. I pray God wraps you in his arms and lets you feel the love you so richly deserve...may he heal your pain and remove the hurt...so you can blossom into the woman He meant for you to become. NOTE: Even if you are not a victim of abuse I would encourage you to visit those websites that address abuse; some of the information that they have is extremely enlightening - at least it was for me. Having read most of these sites gave me a broader picture of what was happening to me as well as understanding others in particular 'him'.
kymosabi	Re: How do you over come being co-dependent from a meth user? If you have ever loved an addict then you have been abused. Whether it be physical, emotional, mental, it's abusive to feel deceived. You have to realize that an addict, most of the time does not do the things they do to intentionallyhurt the ones they love, it is beyond their control and for that reason "divorcing" the relationship all together is the only way YOU will survive the illness. If they are not aware of what they are doing than they can not change it. The addict doesn't value their own life, feelings, health or well being how can they possess the capacity to value anothers. Let go and let God. If you truly love or loved him, realize the relationship and he was toxic, and what would you do if you came upon a pool of toxins? Run like hell, and not look back. As a user, you are only 1 small inkling of what lossess he will suffer. He is drowning in addiction, don't let him drag you down in the depths of that cold, mirky water w/him. You can still see the light of the surface, swim to the top, take a deep breath and thank your maker for helping you survive. This addiction is not yours to fight. I hope that these words lead you through your pain, as I know, I am the wife to a meth addict and let me tell you the pain you feel now is nothing compared to what you would endure on a journey by your ex-addicts side.
imlostinky	Re: How do you over come being co-dependent from a meth user? For me, Kh, I had to flip it in my mind. My being co-dependent enabled my addict to use more- to use longer- I was contributing to his addiction because of my own. I had to flip it- what did I want to do? Did I want to make it easy for him to use? No. So why was I? That made it a lot easier for me to work on me. For me to find my own strength- for me to have a life with him or without. I never prayed for God to take any love from me that I had for another- just to help me love myself. For me, Kh, I can't truly love another person if I don't have any love for myself. I can't truly value another person if I don't value myself. Would I ever treat anyone as I had been treated? No. So why am I allowing for myself to be treated as less? NarAnon, Kh- good place to start. You want to help Jim? Then begin by helping yourself. All you are doing right now is helping him use more dope. To stay in the addiction even longer. Honest. As a co-dependent, you are his worst enemy and your own.
Indian ashedevil	Re: How do you over come being co-dependent from a meth user? I'm going to actually throw my two cents in here, because I was one of the biggest co-dependent enablers out there... My ex is a meth addict. I saw him through it all, even rehab until 1 year clean time. I kept getting burned. I kept getting lied to and disappointed. I thought that he always ended up disappointing me... I finally realized that I was only disappointing myself. I had made the choice to stay on a sinking ship. The situation was not getting any better and I was just drowning. After being on the last loopie loop part of the roller coaster ride, I decided that I had enough and I wsa getting off the ride. I finally had enough of the madness. No more helping him out, rescuing him, yadayadayada... NOPE. I was done. I had to look at it like this... It was all about ME. I needed to get my life back. I needed normal... I wanted regular. I wanted peace, happiness and serenity. I wanted the madness to end. This was all very hard to break free and change. These things didn't happen to me overnight and I was crazy if I thought that I could fix them immediately. I went to Al Anon and got a sponser. Actually I am on my second one. I changed sponsers only because it was time for me to do so. Nothing bad or anything like that. I just outgrew my first one. I noticed major things with me when I worked on the 4th step. I made the decision to change these character defects. To this day I am still on my quest to be a better person. With this being said, take a wild guess what happened next? I became so busy focusing on my stuff that I had no time, energy or patience to focus on boo-hooing over the addict. Besides, now my attitude is this... If I was meant to fix people and to solve their problems and make everything ok, then I would have pursued a major in social work or something of the sort. I'm just saying that I will leave those duties in the hands of the professionals that are way more qualified to "fix" people than I am. God bless and good luck!
luve piphany	Re: How do you over come being co-dependent from a meth user? Yeah, election after election until the funds have run into the RED bigtime! I have learned in alanon that I MUST give others-even the ones I love most, the dignity to make their own choices, mistakes, decisions, even if I don't agree and "know what's best for them" I can't think of a more codependent relationship than the one between a meth addict and the one who loves them until there is enlightenment khbird, all I can say is, we who share the codependent experience must be destined for BIG things because there is a whole lot of training we put ourselves through....kind of like boot camp for real life ahead.
lynne	Re: How do you over come being co-dependent from a meth user? i am three months into no contact at all with ex meth addict boyfriend. i am ALOT better! in fact it is amazing how wonderful i feel today! i just got three new jobs (i freelance) one job with a massive company doing what i love. i date nice men i am happy i go after life now. i suffered so much with meth head; worked so hard to help him and love him. the day his car got booted for non ticket payment i could feel myself literally sinking. found him rehab (no! he said) begged him to stop, threw him out, endless sadness. three months ago our contact stopped. i moved home to our hometown. at first i missed him here and would drive by his mom's house. but i am missing him less and am more truly focused on creating a wonderful life for myself. i have NOT shut the door on him. if he were to one day quit meth and go to rehab and change i would open the door for him again 'cause i did love him very much. but there is NOTHING i can do but live my life best as i can. when we are in touch in the future (we have mutual friends) he will be proud of me for my accomplishments. (he does still have some feelings and emotions i think.) so break it off! go work on yorself, get happy, get your life in order, vow to not talk to him for a year or more, get him out of your system. when the water is long enough under the bridge, you will be stronger and less affected by him and more able to handle him and your life. but no contact is the only way. otherwise you'llbe on that horrible love merry go round getting your teeth kicked in everyday by an addict who can't care, thanks to meth.
pepper 4308	Re: How do you over come being co-dependent from a meth user? It took me many years to decide to quit being co-dependent with my son. I read all the books and had decided they weren't talking about me. But they were. When you continue to support, in any way, the bad behavior of another person, you're being co-dependent. If you know what's right in your heart but you set it aside for another person, you're doing them no favors. And you're hurting yourself in the process. It might be time to be "selfish" - think about yourself. What makes you happy? What makes you feel safe and content? If it's not your loved one, take the hint and love yourself more than that person! It doesn't mean you love that person less, you just love yourself more.
herewe goagain	Re: How do you over come being co-dependent from a meth user? Make sure that when you're thinking about what makes you happy, you limit yourself to thinking about things other than him! I was very co-dependent in my relationship with my first husband. He was an alcoholic, and I thought that surely there was something wrong with me or what I was doing if he preferred alcohol to me. Thing is, it isn't a contest....alcohol, cocaine, meth (whatever the drug of choice) wins hands down every time. I was suicidal and self-mutilating before I finally knew that I had to get help or die. I went to therapy every week, sometimes twice a week, for almost a year, and went to Al-Anon besides. It saved my life, and gave me strength in all areas of my life. You have to take a first step toward recovery, and coming here was a good one. Love yourself enough to keep coming back and to take the further steps you'll have to take in order to find peace in your own life.
Lost Angel	Re: How do you over come being co-dependent from a meth user? I'm where you are right now. You are not alone by a long shot. It's so hard to understand isn't it? That drug is so powerful. Speaking for myself, I don't know who I fell in love with anymore my girl or Meth because braking away from her emotionally....is just real difficult....almost like I'm addicted too...I dunno just something to think about. God bless
Tender heartsKS	Re: How do you over come being co-dependent from a meth user? *Quote:* The stigma with the words: co-dependant and enabler, IMO, is worse than the stigma with the word: addict. That's strange. I'm a recovering addict and codependent and I never have felt stigmatized. I'm grateful to be a recovering addict/codependent today because my life is so much better, fuller, blessed. Were I one of those 'normies' I see out there in the midst of the rat race, frowns on their faces, caught up in all the BS, I'd be miserable. I have a better way to live, and that is all thanks to me recognizing my addictions/codepency, and being willing to change
kcbee	Re: How do you over come being co-dependent from a meth user? I too am a co-dependant. Just now learning about all of this. I'm very naive when it comes to all of this. But I DO know that I'm not helping my husband with my actions. His intent is to get clean. And he has made plenty of attempts. He is now working the program. Has been for a week. He got a sponsor, one which he trusts very much. He and I speak very openly about his plans for recovering. He was clean for 12 years until a year ago. From everything I hear above, it almost sounds like there is no hope for him. Sounds like there is no other option but for me to walk away. Is that right?
kymosabi	Re: How do you over come being co-dependent from a meth user? I am definately at the point where I am going to let my hubbie go, let him stand on his own and hopefully he will do something to make HIMSELF proud. I do love him more than he will ever know and more than he has loved himself but that is the reason I've decided this is best. However I do have a valid question for everyone, isn't it possible that an addict can straighten up and fly right? I mean there are numerous successfully recovered addicts right here on this site that we here from all the time, I think that all the co-dependents in the world just hope and pray that their addict will be one of those stories. I know that I am doing this to help my husband get better because I too need time to get better, probably a long time but I do feel that we can not crush someone's hope that the one they love will eventually be enlightened. I have heard so many heart wrenching stories of addiction and then one day that light bulb did appear above their head and they just knew it was time to walk the path to recovery. I just wouldn't say it is completely fair to say that an addict will continue to always use, their chances of changing are far less if they have someone enabling them but change is constant, they just have to find the right formulas of loss, strength, support, love and pain before they have the epiphany that informs them to make a change or die w/out giving theirself the opportunity to live freely again! Does anyone kind of agree or understand? Basically I guess I'm saying different tactics work for different people. As for me, I know what I have to do, as much as I hate the answer but I can take comfort in knowing the end result will be my husband being a better man FOR HIMSELF! Thanks everyone, you are all truly special people and yes the rewards for us who have loved addicts will be profound in the end. There is light at the end of every tunnel. My prayers are with us all.
Tender heartsKS	Re: How do you over come being co-dependent from a meth user? *Quote:* I just wouldn't say it is completely fair to say that an addict will continue to always use As long as there is breath, there is hope. Are there some who never recover? Yes. There are those too who do recover, sometimes against incredible odds. My parents' prayers were answered, but in God's time, not theirs. When I was taken to treatment, I weighed 109 pounds (I am 6' tall). I was pregnant, had blown out most of the veins in my arms, and was so weak I couldn't hold my head up anymore. Today I have a little over 16 1/2 years clean/sober. I am a miracle. As long as there is breath, there is hope
luve piphany	Re: How do you over come being co-dependent from a meth user? will power-self will..........if I lean on my own understanding alone, I too will probably fall right back down the steps that I struggled to climb. We never know what will happen tomorrow and if we try to predict, we better be ready to accept. kymosabi, I imagine it must be one of the hardest things in the world to try to make decisions for yourself and 5 kids for the future...I just pray that you lean on Him ALOT and that He makes your decisions easier. For me, if I make a decision regarding the addict in my life, I'm setting myself up for disappointment, so, I am actively trying to just take him out of any decisions I make. He's gone. Even if he does recover, the old guy isn't coming back and I don't want to have even a speck of control over him even if he did. To me, letting go means letting go completely. At least that's my goal.... I feel that the saying, "Expectations are Premeditated Resentments" is true in dealing with anyone else. It goes against every speck of my core beliefs and upbringing, but it's the only way for me to understand meth addiction and just plain ole' mean people. I don't think my loving God wants me to fall when others disappoint so I think he wants me to keep remembering this saying. I've experienced a lotta lotta loss and disappointment and I'm sure humbly grateful that I'm finally learning to let go and let God handle it. Learning, I said Learning. Progress, Not Perfection......quit laughing ...I'm trying