Meth, cutting, suicide

Benn having a really tough time lately and thoes are the three things that go through my head. Goes something like this...

Something happens...doesn't even have to be that bad, and I think about gettin high, but I know that will only get me into trouble and then I have to deal with the come down. Then I think about cutting and if I let that go too far then I do cut, then I feel so hopeless because the cutting doesn't work and all I want to do it get high. So then I feel suicidal.

I finally talked to my mom about all this last night and though it is often hard for her to tell when I am feeling down she is my mom and she gets "feelings". So we talked and cryed and prayed and just got it all out. You would be suprised what stress does to your body. The pain I am in sux and I feel so weak. I often feel like I am dieing it hurts so bad, btu I know I am not lol.

I see a lot of ppl on here who are struggling and I really wish they knew how my heart aches for them. I really wish they knew what beautiful ppl they are and that one day it will get better if they just hang on and have faith. I wish the same for myself. I told my mom last night that it must be such and awesome feeling to truely love yourself. I can not imagine what that is like...I have never loved myself.

Well I am gonna go lay down for a little longer. I just need to empty out some of the pain..though right now it is really hard to do because when I am in this state of mind it feels like the world hates me. I love you all and please keep all the ppl who suffer today in your thoughts and (if you pray) prayers.

Lisa	Re: Meth, cutting, suicide
	Savannah Sweetie, I know what that pain feels like.....it's horrible. I know how suicidal feelings can cloud all other feelings until you become numb with NO feelings. I hate that you feel this way. No one should have to feel that way. On the bright side (and there's always a bright side), you may not feel like it, but Honey, you are YOUNG. You have an entire lifetime ahead of you. You WILL plow through this and come out the other side. Eventually. I didn't even start to really know myself until I was in my late forties...I ran pell-mell through life without thinking much about why I am like I am and what I could do for myself to change it for the better. I never liked myself either, and lived for about 47 years that way. What's wonderful is, you don't have to! You have more insight to things now than I had in my forties. You have a great chance at having a happy, healthy rest-of-your-life. I wish I had had your common sense, your compassion, your understanding and your self-knowledge when I was your age. I know it's almost impossible, but when things look dark and dismal, try to remember that EVERYTHING PASSES. I know you know that, but what the hell, I'm just reminding you. Love You!
butterflyxo	Re: Meth, cutting, suicide
	I don't really know you & I don't know if it's even my place to say anything, but from your posts that I've read you seem like a very caring & loving person. You seem like a person that shows compassion towards others & wants to help them. I've never been an addict, thank God, & I don't know anything about the thoughts that run through a recovered addict's mind about using again, but baby you won this war with addiction. Don't let it suck you back in & make you that person that your not. There seems to be a lot of people here that care for you, I like you & I care for you. You've been through a lot. Maybe there are others that have worse situations & I'm sure there is, but this is you & yours. We all handle things differently, we're human. Your getting your relationship back with your sister, don't throw that away again. You may never get it back again. God has a plan for us all & it's not for you to hurt yourself or make yourself ill. Maybe blocking pain & heartache out by getting high for awhile works, but there still gonna be there tomorrow. So we just have to learn to deal with them, which I have not, but with each others help & support we can make it. I'm so sorry for the pain your feeling right now, keep your chin up & keep smiling that pretty smile. Much love & prayers
inkolb	Re: Meth, cutting, suicide
	savannah, that is part of depression, thinking that no one likes you. i like you very much and lots of people here do too. it could also be anxiety that is making you feel that way. i used to feel the same too until the doctor finally got my meds right. i feel loved now and don't sit up nights thinking of all the things i have done to piss other people off. i hope that you have talked to your doctor and i also hope that by the time that you read this that you feel better....i like you and lots of other people do too....love, angie
Savannah05	Re: Meth, cutting, suicide
	Just wanted to thank you all for the overwhelming support. You all mean so much to me! Each and eveyone of you! I love you guys a lot and I hope that when you need me I can be there for you to. Thank You!
SOS1988	Re: Meth, cutting, suicide
	I think thoughts of death and suicide are addiction's trump card. Try reading Rational Recovery....great book
le grumps	Re: Meth, cutting, suicide
	I think you are great Savannah. I know those feelings that everyone hates you are for some reason go through elaborate measures to pretend they like you even though they really hate you. Seems odd that anyone would do that, eh? Cause when WE don't like them, we don't go through elaborate measures (coordinating many people, of course) to make the person feel liked. Sending warm hugs to ya my dear, Kelly
cortyshell	Re: Meth, cutting, suicide
	Savannah, Youve been coming to KCI for many years, Ive read your posts and talked to you in chat. You have walked a bumpy path, but youve grown so much over these years. I cant imagine anyone hating you. We all (I think) feel as though other do not like us. I do daily, so you definitely are not alone. Sometimes I deserve it, sometimes I dont. Most times its us projecting our feelings for ourselves on to others. If we cant stand being us how could anyone else possibly accept us? Being a cutter is difficult; it pulls you even when you know it is not the right thing to do. It wont solve anything; most times it makes things worse because if anyone sees the cuts you have to listen to people lecture and freak. You are looking for a quick fix, you are taking the steps to become better mentally, but its such a long process. We all go through the motions of just needing something to happen and make us feel better faster then scraping at the walls to free ourselves from the cage of self-loathing. Not so long ago, I was feeling the same way as you are right now. I ran a hot bath and sat with a razor blade next to the tub. While in the water I looked at the blade, I knew I couldnt go completely through with suicide but cutting would have made my inside pain go to the outside then I made a list in my head while sitting in the tub. Was the temporary relief the blade had to offer worth the possible repercussions? After about an hour of crying in my bathwater, making my mental list of pros and cons I realized it wasnt. There is too much in the world I have yet to experience, like true love and marriage, finishing school, traveling, growing older There is so much out there or you Savannah, put aside the destructive thoughts as they creep into your head and focus on what you have left to achieve in your life. You have tenderness and understanding about you. You could help so many people in the world. Dont give up on yourself right now you need to keep plugging away at yourself so you can become the person you want to be.