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Daughter used meth, not appricating help

surfzones Daughter used meth, not appricating help
Hi. I have a question concerning my 28 yr old daughter.
She had used meth for at least one year....possibly 2yrs.
She was arrested and spent 5 months in jail. She was also sentenced to 5 years probation, fines, mandatory weekly meetings, parenting classes, community service etc. She has a 7 yr old, which I have gaurdianship since her arrest.

She was in rehab once released from jail. Graduated after 6 months of the rehab. She moved in with us since she had no money to go anywhere else. We felt it would be great for her and her child to be back together since she seemed okay. Her first few months with us were pleasant. She showed respect and gratefulness to us. Was very humble.
She has been with us for a year now. Still working the same job, going to meetings (to get her greencard signed), and as far as we know....still meth free. She's doing everything she was sentenced to do and doing perfect with her probation, etc.
The problem I have, is that for the past several months she has stopped showing any appreciation for all the help we have given her this past year and continuing to give her, by allowing her to stay with us and the fact we are basically taking total care of her child. We've never charged her rent due to the fact that she doesn't make much money and her money goes to paying her fines. She works and goes to meetings for the most part. But when she is home, she ignores her child, doesn't help around the house, and is verbally abusive to us. Is always angry for no apparent reason and no longer shows any appreciation, humility, etc. Lastnight we had some friends over for dinner. She knew they were coming and said she didn't want to join us. That she wanted to stay in her room and relax. After a couple of hours, she used her cell phone to call me from her room. She said, "I want to come out of my room, so @#%$ get rid of your friends." I told her to come out and join us. She said, "just get rid of them so I can come out and watch some @#%$ tv or something." Then hung up.
About 1/2 hr later, our guests left and she came screaming out of her room saying, "Why the @#%$ did they stay so long. It's my evening off from work and I didn't want to be in my room for so long. Next time don't let your friends stay so long cause it @#%$ sucks to be stuck in my room." My husband and I told her that it was her choice to be un-social, not ours. We've been friends with this other couple for the past 5 years. They are good people.
She just continued yelling at us and we told her that it was her problem, not ours. That it is our home, not hers.
That we will have friends over whenever we want and she is welcome to join us if she would like to.
She seems to think that she can dictate our lives. She even has decided that she no longer has time to bathe her child. That she needs us to do that as well. we already feed our grandchild breakfast, help him dress for school, take him to school and continue to care for him after we pick him up from school, etc. She is working her community service and we are, and have been, taking care of everything else. (for nearly 2 years now.)
What should we do? We told her months ago that she needed to help out more with her child and around the house. That we didn't appreciate her verbal abuse, attitude,etc.
She makes life un-pleasant for us, yet doesn't have the means to get her own place. Last month, she even had the nerve to get angry with us when we were talking about taking a week vacation this summer, and didn't involve her in the conversation. She said, "What, You're not planning on taking me too!!!!" We told her that we figured she would have to work and not to worry because we would take our grandchild with us. All she had to say was "@#%$ you! I'm going too."
We're afraid to just "kick her out" because we feel that may cause her to return to meth or something. Plus, her child loves her and wants mommy to be here. We don't know what to do, since talking to her about what we expect doesn't seem to matter to her.
luve
piphany
Re: Daughter used meth, not appricating help
I'm sorry things are not going well...could she have relapsed? Her behaviors sound like either it's happened or she may be thinking seriously about it and the thoughts may be making her terribly sick.

Has she been in a program for learning how to live after incarceration like a diversion counseling program? I don't know much about those programs, but I do know that the halfway houses that take children really keep the moms in-line in the personal responsibility department and no enabling is allowed.
surfzones Re: Daughter used meth, not appricating help
Thank you for your reply. I appreciate that.
We have had a lot of Media specials here regarding meth and all the horrors it causes to the user and the families.
My daughter watched an hour special about it and it seems to have caused a lot of anger in her for some reason.
At least we are guessing that that is what triggered her angry language and attitude, the night we had dinner guests.
Not that she has been very pleasant anyways, but was especially unpleasant that evening.
She is definitely angry most every day. Some days more angry than others. Months of her verbal abuse and lack of appreciation do take a toll on us, though we try not to let it.
So many times we wish that she had her own place and we could have peace. But we fear that if we force her to leave, (rent a studio apt or something cheap) she will turn back to using Meth. Though she swares she will never use again. She has used drugs of one kind or another since turning 14 years old. Has never quit drugs on a permanent basis. Not even her child has been any motivation for her to stay well.
We can't help but wonder if our fears are reasonable or are we trapping ourselves once again with her problems, as usual? We also can't help but wonder why it is that she has never truly wanted to leave home. Of her 28 years, she only left home and lived on her own for 3 of the years.
Always ends up having to come back for one reason or another and frankly, we are tired of it. Wish she would move on and leave us alone for good and have a normal adult child/parent relationship.
So much guilt Re: Daughter used meth, not appricating help
Your daughter needs to respect that she is in your home and your rules. I can sense by your post that there is alot of stress being caused in the home and you surely don't need this. I'm not sure if her anger is from the past use of meth, if she's using again, or from the effects of prison.

Becoming educated on the drug and aware of the situation needs to be continued on your part. I believe rules and boundaries need to be met. There comes a time when we have to stop enabling people. Is there a program for housing that your daughter would be eligible for (low income)? If you fear that she will start using again, that will be her choice.
Counseling needs to be in place. Are you willing to live like this?
You have guardianship of her child. Continue to take care of the grandbaby! But it's time your daughter start taking care of herself and her obligations.

This is just my opinion. But in time, this behavior/situation will destroy your home and possibly your marriage.
pepper
4308
Re: Daughter used meth, not appricating help
Your story is familiar to me. The ungrateful attitude is a sign of other things. It has taken me many years to understand that you have to take care of yourself. You cannot stop living your life because of a child who has their own agenda. She doesn't sound very appreciative anymore and believe me, that's a sign. She's frustrated, probably ashamed of where she is and is taking it out on you instead of realizing that where she is is because of her decisions - not yours. All you've tried to do is help. Don't expect gratitude if your child hasn't decided that change is required. Especially a change in attitude.

Don't stop living your life and doing the things that bring you pleasure. Those will be days lost that you will never get back.

It's a very tough choice to make - but there will come a time when you have to let it go.

Good luck to you - you are in my prayers - peace to you!
a2ahome Re: Daughter used meth, not appricating help
Your daughter may be going through some extreme roller coaster emotions still...Even after two years of being clean, it may still be some time before she will experience joy as she once had...Especially if she doesn't have any hobbies or thigs to do to occupy her free time..Does she go to meetings and do you know if she is active in fellowship activities? To be clean without something to fill the void life can be a true hell for an addict....

Tender
heartsKS
Quote:
We're afraid to just "kick her out" because we feel that may cause her to return to meth or something. Plus, her child loves her and wants mommy to be here. We don't know what to do, since talking to her about what we expect doesn't seem to matter to her.
#1. You didn't cause, can't control, or cure her addiction. Nothing you do will cause her to return to meth. If she returns to meth, it is because she CHOOSES to do so.

#2. Since when does a 7 year old dictate the living circumstances? Of course the child loves the mother. My granddaughter loves her mother, the mother who taught her to shoplift and lie. You have guardianship of this 7 year old and are the only voice that child has. What is healthy for that 7 year old about this current situation?

If nothing changes, nothing changes. She may be going through the motions of attending meetings and all the other requirements of her probation, but her behavior is unacceptable, in my opinion.

Children live what they see, and if you think you are doing that child any favors by allowing his/her mother to continue living there, verbally abusing you, throwing tantrums, and not even caring for her own child to a minimal degree , then you are mistaken.

I am passionate to a fault when it comes to the children because I tried to get custody of my granddaughter for years, and the system failed me. I have watched a beautiful loving caring child turn into an 11 year girl who is deeply troubled and no longer is a part of my life for the most part.
teqa peq Re: Daughter used meth, not appricating help
We teach people how to treat us. You have allowed this behavior. If nothing changes nothing changes. What are the consquences for this behavior? Prehaps you and the hubby should have a nice long talk about what will be expected of her and what will not be toleranted from her. Get real clear and let her know.
Loraura Re: Daughter used meth, not appricating help
Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.

All these feelings of anger, rage, resentment are the things she used meth to cope with. Now, without drugs, she still feels them, and can't make them go away at will.

Does she have a sponsor in her 12-step program?
Is she working the steps, or just going to get her card signed?
I've seen people put their cards in the basket, and spend more time outside smoking than sitting in the actual meeting. They aren't participating. They are JUST going for that signature and nothing else.

This means that they are not learning other ways to cope. So they don't cope. They rage. They demand. They attempt to control. And it doesn't work.
Lost Angel The Meth Monster is rearing it's ugly head. Beware my friend.

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