forgive me, i'm still trying to get over my ex-meth head!

but i am still sitting under this illusion that being on meth he lived this fun wild life full of parties and wild women and hot sex and good times ... which makes me feel all the worse since he dumped me

so i am trying to set myself straight that meth is not the glamour filled ride i might think it is. and that the users are not living the fun life i think they might.

can someone drive it into my head that taking meth does not = having a blast? i'm such a goober!

Ask Suzette to send you the links to those meth commercials. That is a reality check... Really.

I think you have a classic case of the "stinkin thinkin" going on. I mean, let's face it... A loved one's addiction has a profound effect on their loved ones. Bottom line is: It a crappy feeling to be treated like that especially after what all we've experienced.

We then will beat ourselves up and try and convince ourselves that we did something wrong, that we weren't pretty enough, good enough, rich enough, wild enough, etc etc etc...

We as loved ones have experienced some sort of "Stinkin Thinkin" one way or another. This addiction that they have makes our lives just as insane as theirs at times!

I, as a former loved one of a meth addict (I was married to him for almost 10 years) will be the first to tell you that this shyt ain't all that it's cut out to be.

There is NOTHING you are missing out on about meth or the parties and stuff. NOTHING...
I made my decision to not only turn and walk away, but to re-claim my life.
Instead of obsessing and acting crazy as far as my ex was concerned; I now live a much better life filled with peace, serenity, and a very promising future.

In case you haven't heard... I'm recently engaged to a wonderful "normal" man.

There is life after meth... I am here to tell you that I did it, and if I can do it; so can everyone else.

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but i am still sitting under this illusion that being on meth he lived this fun wild life full of parties and wild women and hot sex and good times ...

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That's not illusion, it's TRUE!
But the price is often too high to pay and not worth it at all...

Meth = losing everything in life = death

It's himself he dumped...along with everything sacred and dear to him.
He's the one caught in a living hell, and by all means the one who IS missing out.
Of course he'll deny that 'til the cows come home, he has a powerful drug telling him eveything is OK....until he doesn't have any.
THEN...it's time to panic!
And no, meth addiction is far from a blast, quite the opposite really...unless you're content with losing everything incl. your sanity, or even your own life.

I can think of no lower place to find oneself than in the depths of meth addiction and the ensuing insanity
[meth psychosis].

A far cry from glamour or fun.

With "meth" my world fell apart too quick.
Soon after using I was broke,uguly,smelly, paranoid, and
I still thought it wasn't all that BAD. I was in a huge
denial.

Meth is NOT fun or anything close to that. If it was soooo fun I wouldn't be clean today.

thanks for explaining it to me. jason you must be right though i didn't want to hear it. i like to party too but not with drugs. there i draw the line.

but if i partied so hard i started to lose my life in the process i would not say that was fun at all.

he did lose it all. house, car, livelihood; looks too. but i take everyone's word for it. maybe it's fun sometimes but meth seems to cause so much destruction. that is when you would want to stop but then maybe couldn't.

p.s. i did move on, dating nice men, have new fun jobs, good friends, i am far, far happier than the nervous dejected wreck i was when i was living with him. being kicked in the teeth everyday was hard.

but even though i have "moved on" i still hurt.

lynne, ONE person responded that it was a wild fun sex party out of so many many many that have told you that it was living hell.

Get rid of that stinkin thinkin that he has been out screwin and partyin and havin a grand ole' time. Even if an when he did cheat it was NOTHING like making love.

Maybe you want to use that cheated on feeling to get him outa your heart and mind-I guess if it works, go for it, but REMEMBER that every single thing about meth is evil-it's meant for destruction and it's master would love for you to feel betrayed etc. etc. Don't let the methmaster win.

You can bet your buns that your memories are WAYYYYY more REAL than his of the good times. If and When he gets clean and chooses a life of recovery, he WILL remember the time with you as light and the time with meth as dark-guarantee it!

Please remember as well that for people with little time in recovery, the meth life is still dancing in their heads powerfully...Teasing them with the meth lies that tell them that it was soooooooo good.

Don't hurt yourself anymore than reality already has.

oh and the fun dates sound wonderful! Just putting that in print-telling of your happiness without him is so powerful!

this may be off a little, so sorry, but; i have a habit of romanticizing my old drug life when im not even meaning to do so. ill be talking about old times and BAM, it starts.. me and a few friends start talking about when we first started and when things were good. maybe about dancing and making good money or funny times or whatever. and before we know it we start talking all fast and we are almost getting a "high" out of it. its not like we plan on this happening. but like i hear so many people say, our disease is so cunning, he sneakes up on us. thats one of the reasons i want to join H n I in NA, i believe thats what its called. but its where a few people from na or aa bring the mtg to the people in hospitals and institutions. so u bring a mtg to people who cant get to a mtg. ive spent so much of my life in rehabs and prisons cause of my addiction, thats what i want to remember. i want to remember thats where drugs bring me, not good times, bad times.

It started out as a wild fun party. In fact, I had never felt better in my life. If it made you miserable when you started, no one would ever do it.

Soon, though, the devil comes to collect his dues, so to speak. Life becomes a living hell that you're too screwed up to figure how to get out of - except to try and do more and more meth. The end price far outweighs any illusion of fun that was there in the beginning.

If being unemployed, hating yourself, blowing off family, dragging down your health, being paraniod, doing things you would normally never do, losing interest in everything you once held dear, is romantic.....then I was the queen of romance.

How glamarous can it possibly be. Meth addicts stay up for days on end. They barely eat, barely sleep. They feel like @#%$ most of the time. It's not glamarous at all.

waking up in jail on the way back to the pen, friends shot, yep real fun.

wild partys? maybe sometimes. but users could be in a room full of people and they still look all alone. they get into something and they stick there. or they are fighting each other to get a freaking word in.

where is the fun in that? there is partying and then there is meth. not the same at all.

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wild women and hot sex and good times

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Just a little note... From expeirience and I have heard this from others... some meth-heads have a hard time maintaining an erection, let alone getting off.
THAT KIND OF PUTS A DAMPER ON WILD SEX!!!

www.ukgaynews.org.uk/imag...Dakota.jpg

Go to that link and tell me if it makes meth look more disgusting to you.

thanks for the amazing support and tough love and reality check all.
where would i be without all of you? i can't imagine.

i have felt like luv. wanting to try meth, asking him if i should try meth too.
feeling lost without meth even though i've never taken it!
yes: many times i want to try it; i want it to bring me into the light. wondering if it could bring me life when sometimes i feel like i have none.

maybe it's those same lost feelings for some addicts that keeps them hooked. it gives them a bloody reason for being (raison d'etre). but taking on a meth life would be too much trouble for me. i am not interested in being a drug addict. that would be so much work!

thanks all. i am going to read these 20x and TRY to get them in my big fat skull!

Click this link:
How Meth Addicts Think and Feel

I did meth before with my addict in my teen years and I never liked how it made me feel, Thank God. I always felt way to alert and like I could feel my insides and heart going way too fast. The only time I liked it was so I could party and drink all night without getting tired. I'm a drinker (not proud of it and trying to quit) but sometimes I really understand my addicts way of thinking because I'm an addict also just too a differnt substance. Yeah, I go out dancing and party all night but at some point the party ends and there is no one left but you to face yourself and you have to think about all the stupid things you did while under the influence and you know what when you realize that all the pain your feeling you caused yourself that really sucks and that short time of partying was not worth it. I guess in learning about myself I understand him more. I guess basically what I'm saying is that with addictions you never come out on top it's just a quick fix.

I've read your posts many times Lynn and I felt just like you so many times but it's in my moments of stupidity or messing up that I understand my addicts way of thinking. It's like logic tells you one thing but when your under the influence you go against logic.

Good luck to you, I too am in love with an addict but I need to learn to love myself more in order to truly live again. I work everyday and sometimes every hour to just let go. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life but not as hard as it was to live with him while he was in active addiction. He's in jail right now. He's my ex husband, still calls and I still love him with my heart and soul but I must let go for me.

what may seem like fun at the time certainly isnt when you have come down and you look and feel 10 years older than you are . .you have headaches to die for . you want to die . .you amaze yourself at the lack of precautions you have taken sexually . . .the sheer brutal coldness you feel in your heart. the lonliness . . the paranoia . .the tears . .the selfhatred . . . romantic?i think not!

Meth had my brain thinking, and feeling, that I was happy through all this:

getting kicked out of my house
living in my car
watching my friends fight and set things on fire
kids getting neglected by their families
driving under the influence of so much shyt I wouldn't take the time to list
asking friends if i could shower at their houses
getting raped
having other unhappy sex
lying
stealing
not talking to or seeing my family for a couple years
quitting college 3 times
working at crappy jobs
wasting hundreds of thousands of dollars
paying for other people's habits
losing all my straight friends

But I really did think I was having a great time during all of that, because the meth told my brain, "Happy, Happy, Happy"......it lies.

If in the back of your mind you are wonder if maybe things would have been different if you would have joined him and smoked meth; I can assure you they would have definately been different.

What follows is my 'story' which I posted when I first came to this message board...and am reposting in hopes that my experience will help you settle the issue of de-romanticizing meth once and for all.

I opted to 'join' him and he willingly taught me all I needed to know about using meth. Here is a very brief and general summary of our meth romance. There is much that I have not posted in this account...it would take up all the resources of this server just to post all the details. However, I think what I have shared gives even the most romantic of romantics a clear picture of the alledged meth romance.

"When we first met...we never argued about anything...we were in perfect harmony...until we began using meth.

I came to learn that he had a life long history of drug and alchohol abuse...but he always managed to 'overcome' addiction to a drug when it 'no longer became fun' every drug that is EXCEPT Meth.

I mistakenly thought that if I loved him enough, if he could just see that someone believed in him, if he could just realize that I would not leave him nor forsake him, that I would stand beside him come what may...he would be able find the man inside of him...the man he was meant to be rise up and fight for his life, and end his addictions ....that has not happened yet...and is very doubtful that it ever will.

He lost his job...so I thought if I just aliviate the financial pressure so he can find a job that he likes not just grab the first thing that comes along...if I just can help him through this month...if I just work with him...write his resume help him post it, take him to interviews... If I just....now a year later....

His paranoia continues to grow...as does his meth use. His meth use is 24 o 7 until he crashes and then when he wakes up...the cycle begins again. He also began reusing Heroin, morphine and all sorts of other drugs that he had 'quit' some time ago...and he has added to this another addiction he 'quit' about a year ago and that is alchohol.

Still, I stayed by his side. When he became paranoid about noises and the guns came out...I would tell him...what the sound really was or if there was no sound I would tell him...and reassure him that he was safe.

When his body overheated I would rush him to the bath tub trying to cool him down all the while he would go between threats to cut my throat...and begging me not to leave him crying and afraid...this would go on all night long. All I knew to do was pray..."

"I thought because I was innocent of his accusations that 'in time' he would see that. If I brought him 'proof' he would accept it...and be done with the paranoia... [He accused me of being a whore, prostitute, running an escort service, working at 3 strip clubs, having sex with all of his friends, and his son. He also accused me of stealing from him. In addition to all of the above he said I was an under cover cop, said I had mafia ties etc.]Everything I brought, said or showed him as proof of my innocence became distored, and turned around in his mind...and he condemmed me further.

That is when he began getting even more abusive. Beating, punching, hitting, kicking it didn't matter. Never an " I am sorry" never an acknowledgement of his abuse towards me. I stayed telling myself he is sick I can not leave him while he is sick...I need to help him get well....not realizing that at this point...I too was sick...a meth addict that could not help myself much less him...

On October 29th...after a nite of accusations and in the peak of one of our marathon meth cycles, he pulled a gun...took me to the bathroom made me kneel in the bathtub and for over 8 hours held a gun to my head saying now I am going to kill you....look at me so you can see the bullet when I shoot....tell me you where unfaithful I already know the truth.... I kept telling him I had never been unfaithful...it only enraged him more...finally all I could do was cry, pray and beg him for mercy and compassion....in between he would become gentle...sit next to the tub tell me to look at him...that he had put the gun down....

I would look into his eyes and see such gentleness....as he stroked my hair away from my face and told me...I don't want to do this...but I have to....then just as quickly he would get up...and it would start over....finally he must have become exausted and he told me I could go to sleep we would resume this talk in the morning....

I went motionless...and laid down...at some point in time I began going into convulsions....he took me to the bed room and let me rest...when I awoke it was to his gentle touch and caresses...wanting sex....as if nothing had happened....

It is unclear to me how he let me go... but I left.... within a few hours he called back asking me if I could give him 250 dollars so he could go see his parents one more time. Still numb from the previous events not really thinking....I went got the money and drove to his house.

Once again he held me captive. This time with duct tape and promises of torture (he gave me the details of what he was going to do...and I will not repeat them here...suffice to say it was mid-evil) First he threw me to the ground, then grabbed a pen wanting to poke my eyes out...then instead he grabbed the duct tape and proceeded to tape my mouth nose and one eye shut...he stood there laughing as I was struggling to get air...

Remember my hands and feet were also taped up.... by the Grace of God...I got enough tape off to get air...and again after hours of torture and other things for now better left unsaid...he let me go...this time when I walked out of his house I never looked back.

I packed up all my things and left putting as many miles between us as possible. I changed my cell number for the 4th time, closed out all my accounts and left. Now he steals his money from his parents....telling them whatever he needs to to get them to pay his bills...he lied to his brother saying his dad was going to pay for his new tires (his brother owns a store) so his brother gave him 4 brand new tires....when he went to collect from his dad...no such converstation ever took place....

He is convinced that I am out to kill him, that I am a prostitue, run an escort service, work in 3 different stripper clubs, have had sex with his son, his best friend, have a porno site with pictures of me on it, am connected with the mafia...the list goes on...there are not enough hours in a day or lifetime to do all that he believes I am doing....

I didn't press charges. First time he tried to kill me when he wanted to let me go...I promised him I wouldn't go to the police if he did....the keeping of this promise enabled me to walk away a second time...because when he was certain that I would go to the police after this second time...I told him I promised him the first time...and did nt go ...that I wouldn't go now...

Having kept that promise is what I believe ultimately saved my life...and enabled me to walk away for one last time..."

What follows Lynne is my thinking...the thinking of a meth addict...these were my thoughts...I hope you see the insanity that runs between the lines...

"As to my status...with all that has happened...I am uncertain as to how much longer I want to be around...not making any drama here...just facts...I am getting my affairs in order...visiting with my parents...
getting closure...

want to get a place....to live and see how I feel after I am back on my feet again...

Have not decided about whether or not I will quit....it depends on my decision about my future...

Honestly I pray every nite that God would take me...at His earliest convinience....that would be the least traumatic for everyone...

On the other hand, right now everything I own is in boxes...I would like to find a place to park my body as I call it...unpack so my little brother can see what I am leaving him...and what things he wants to keep...I think leaving the stuff in boxes would be too traumatic...this way he can sort though the stuff and sell whatever he doesn't want...

I don't want to live another 20 years it's just me...and I have lived enough....I don't have kids....have lost my true love...and will never love like this again...don't want to...enough is enough...and I have had enough....

I want it all to end....so...for the time being...as long as meth or crack doesn't spaz me out...I will probably continue...until it is finally finished.

So why do I come here? Hopefully to help someone else who is 'early' in life...avoid the pitfalls I did...granted I never did drugs until this past year... but I made alot of stupid mistakes...listening and doing what others thought was best...always trying to please others...I forgot about myself and what I wanted...now it's too late...because I am exhausted and no longer have any will to live for what might be...

Again, please don't see this as drama...or an attention getter...I am way past that stage/age...I realize fully what I am saying...and other people's reasons for 'living' just are not mine...period...end of subject I don't want to talk about me or my choices..I want to understand him and what happened.

All I want is an ounce of peace for him...for him to become the man he was meant to be...and yes for that to happen saddly it will have to be without me ...I know...but I just want to know that some day he will know the truth...that I was true...and loved him like no other...that he was my soul mate.

My biggest question that remains unanswered is why god knowing the truth, knowing I was/am innocent...would allow the truth to be hidden from him...What did it cost god to reveal the truth to him...nothing....not a thing...how could he let us suffer like this...when there was no need....yea I can already hear someone saying. GOd is not to blame....you decided to use meth....yade yade yade....anyway...enough about this....

I just wish... his love would have remained the way it was...but that is water down the drain...I just want peace about him and for him... As for me/us...closure...without pain this never ending pain I can not make it go away...

Thanks for letting me be honest and letting me babble a bit....."

Update to my nightmare in not so shining armour's status since my first posting on this website:

I paid all his bills and mine for the entire year we were together. When I left, his parents took over where I left off. He owes his bank hundreds in insufficent fund fees, is unable to open any bank account anywhere until those are paid. His cell phone was cut off. His sister purchased a pre-paid cell for him to use. He has no credit cards and has debt collection agencies knocking on his door day and nite. He has pawned, stolen and basiclly done whatever he needed to do in order to get money for his drugs this includes lying and stealing from his very elderly and ill parents. He now lives with his parents as of Feburary 27th his home was placed on the market for sale. If it doesn't sell very quickly, the bank will foreclose.

Lynne my best friend and my soulmate became my worst nightmare and enemy. Don't look back...thank God that He kept you out of the Devil's playing ground. When you pray the Our Father it says 'and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil' He has done that for you.

Whenever I start to glorify my drug addiction I try to remember the last hit I took and where I was and what my situation was like not my first hit when I was new to using and life was still good and in order. This really helps me a lot. It's simple and it really works to trigger my memory to recall the horrid situation I was in when I last used dope. I was walking the streets, living in a basement, broke, strung out, and just found out I was pregnant. The situation seemed hopeless but I didn't give up or give in to my addiction. I always had hope that things would get better even when the situation at hand was totally hopeless, depressing, disgusting, etc. I kept trying treatment over and over hoping that one day I would make it. I'm so happy that I didn't give up because my life is so different today. I love life and I'm so happy I was given another chance. When times are tought I don't let myself get all worked up and depressed. I just remember how far I've come and how nothing can be as bad as the life I left behind. It's weird how when you are using anything that can go wrong does. You leave your debit card in the ATM, your car breaks down, you lose your wallet, just bad stuff! When you're clean good things out of nowhere happen. A unexpected check comes in the mail when money is really tight and you really need it, job opportunities open up, things just fall into place. I just really appreciate things so much more today.

Thank you Recovering Freak....it WAS alot of fun for the first few months...it truly was. Thats what makes it so damn hard to stay clean because you remember all the good times that you had. I hate to say it but those were some of the best days I can remember....that is UNTIL....and let me tell ya...Recovering Freak was right again...it wasnt worth the cost...I crashed hard and burned out fast.

Yeah maybe your BF had alot of fun.....BUT...he is gonna be one miserable mofo as well.....and believe me he will pay his dues just like we all have.