KCI The Anti_Meth Site

Children of addicts bonding to caregiver?

upagainst thewall	Children of addicts bonding to caregiver? Will try to word this as to not offend anyone. Questions are for Moms who are ex addicts who left the kids with your mom/and/or family members?? Were you offended that your child(ren) had bonded with someone other than you? Do you still live in the same house with caregiver and child(ren)? What is your relationship with the caregiver now? My daughter seems to have forgotten that for 4 years I have basically been her oldest sons’ only mom figure. And the baby has known no other mom. Slowly she is repairing some of the damage she caused but it still bothers her that her children prefer me. I told my daughter: I didn't steal your children from you, you left them. I loved them like my own, I stayed up nights with them and played and prayed with them for you? In our prayers, we ask God to make momma whole again and bring her back to us. We asked God to forgive momma for neglecting them, We ask God to bless momma for leaving them with pawdaddy and meems. I have asked her if she has thought about where the boys would be if I had not wanted to keep them? We still work daily on some issues and I imagine they will be around for awhile, but slowly she is seeing that I poured my love into these boys and I taught them to be respectful of all people. I taught them that God loves you no matter how bad you are, and he forgives most of our mistakes. I taught them that no matter where momma was and what she was doing she loved them, she just was sick and couldn't take care of them right now. I told them one day God would heal their mom and send her back to us. I told her to stop and think about how blessed she is to even have her boys around her and to Thank God daily he delivered her from the drugs.
Replies...
Loraura	Re: Children of addicts bonding to caregiver? Quote: In our prayers, we ask God to make momma whole again and bring her back to us. We asked God to forgive momma for neglecting them, We ask God to bless momma for leaving them with pawdaddy and meems. You have small children tell god that their mom is neglecting them and abandoned them? Quote: I told them one day God would heal their mom and send her back to us. How could you know that this would happen? It could have been quite possible that she came back in a coffin. I don't have the answers to your questions, but your post really "reached out and grabbed me". I felt compelled to reply and ask for clarification.
pisces	Re: Children of addicts bonding to caregiver? my God thank you for posting this i have lost sight of my mom and her efforts with my kids i see how she feels now.. thank you
SOS1988	Re: Children of addicts bonding to caregiver? My sponsor said. Meth put him in a "bubble." You're world and life burn, but there you are getting high. Time and life are extremely distorted. When you're strung out or addicted, you have to get high...everything comes next...if you experienced it...you'd "get" it. No, i am not a mother....but i hope that helped explain it...
forget suzette	Re: Children of addicts bonding to caregiver? ....they will bond with many more people in this lifetime. maybe even you. ....keep a stiff upper lip soldier. you'll have that opportunity only if you try.
imlost inky	Re: Children of addicts bonding to caregiver? It's natural - it really is. No mother likes another woman taking her place- no matter what the circumstances. You did good- you did what you had to do.Deep down I am sure she is mighty glad to had you there- and is mighty thankful to have you there now. If you want to help, try standing back just a little- give her a chance to bond with her babies and build that trust. If you have been the one putting them to bed, reading the stories, saying the prayers- ask her sometimes if she would like to tonight? or at least join you. Go slow- and let it build. She needs her children as much as they need her. She needs to feel needed, useful,wanted. Help her build it - Its' not so bad being just mamaw- I get the best parts. I get all the fun with none of the responsibility- and when I am wore out, they get to go home and I get to go to bed. It will take time to get the roles reversed- a long time- a lot of love and a lot of patience. But it's time to start letting go just a little. She is doing good- you raised her well- she can be a fine mom. She just needs the chance to see that for herself is all. You did good. You really did.It's time to heal.
Guene	Re: Children of addicts bonding to caregiver? I think that what yor did for your daughter was the biggest show of love, and if you weren't around what would have happened to your grandchildren. Sure she might feel that they love you more, but if she would have been there and you were just the grandma, then they would have loved her more, but she left and you became Grandma and Mother and you did it out of love so I think she should thank her lucky stars for having a good mom. Now she's going to have to work extra hard to win back there love and trust and she just going to have to deal with it, sometimes love is hard to find when you just throw it away, you have to earn it back.
upagainst thewall	Re: Children of addicts bonding to caregiver? Loraura, Well not in words like that. We say that we would like him to deal with her heart and mend whatever is keeping her away. We ask God to make her happy again. We say God reach down to momma and help her get through the rough spot she is in. And whatever it is that keeps her away help her to deal with it and ease her troubled heart. Make her a whole person again, and forgive her of her wrongdoings. We ask him to embrace her and help her to see clearer, what is important in her life. We ask God to send blessings to her. The words I used were more of my journal entry words then words I actually use with the boys. And you are so right I thank God for sending her back alive and hopeful for her future.
Cabird	Re: Children of addicts bonding to caregiver? Upagainstthewall, don't feel guilty over anything. We raised 2 grandchildren for 4 years. Both of the parents were on drugs. We had temporary custody of them. The parents could have gotten them back anytime they wanted. All they had to do was show some clean drug tests. CPS wasn't involved. We got them through court and the court order only required them to pass drug tests and take parenting classes. But they need neither. They kept on doing meth. We were accused of stealing the kids. We were accused of teaching them values that the parents didn't believe in. I don't know what values the parents did believe in because they were so busy doing drugs it didn't appear they had many good values at that time. The kids knew their parents abandoned them. Kids are smart. When parents go off and leave them they know they have been abandoned. You stepped up to the plate and you took in children when you didn't have to do it. They would have been in foster care with strangers and God only knows what those strangers may have told them or done to them. Our addicts will not be grateful until they have been clean for a long time. Mine has been clean for 4 years and not once has he thanked us for taking in his kids and loving them and feeding them and clothing them and paying health insurance on tham. In fact he doesn't even remember half the rotten things he did to us and said to us when he was on drugs. The mother is still on drugs and it is 10 years later. What you are doing is a thankless job. But you are doing it anyway. It takes a whole lot of courage and grandparents do not get the credit they deserve. They are accused of meddling and stealing kids. When the parents get the kids back they can find all kinds of ways you have not raised their kids right. The kids may turn against you for awhile too. Our grandkids did. They ended up blaming us too. But they are grown now and they call me and they think me for all I taught them. They have babies of their own now and they have both told me many times that if it hadn't have been for me they would not have the educations they have. They would not be able to parent the way they do and they don't know how they would have survived without me. So in the end it turned out good. But there has not been one word of thanks from either parent. I don't think you will ever get a thank you and your daughter will feel bad if the kids prefer you. But she is the one who left them. You did not have to take them. She may have lost them entirely and they could have been adopted out by now if CPS was involved. She would not be able to see them if her parental rights had been terminated and they had been adopted out. None of you would have been able to see them at all. I know what you are going through. I have been there and the fallout from our son's drug days still hit us in the face from time to time. The only thing that kept me going is the prayer, "Forgive the addicts, for they know not what they do."
Penel0pe	Re: Children of addicts bonding to caregiver? Quote: Were you offended that your child(ren) had bonded with someone other than you? Yes. I resented the Hell out of the kids stepmother, who was as much of a tweeker as I was. I couldn't stand it. My daughter lived with her for about a year and a half, but my son was with her for a lot longer. There was a great deal of chaos in both homes, but honestly, my house wasn't getting raided by police, my house was a lot "Lower Profile" than Dad's (Because I had to keep it that way - I worked for the county.) The kids were both and are both very attached to her. Now I am more offended by MYSELF for allowing him to stay there for as long as I did. My son has been with me for the past 3 1/2 years, and the kids' stepmom is now in recovery too I call her my "Wife in Law." We get along great. She has one year clean. She was here this morning, visiting from the bay area with the kids dad. Now if we could just get HIM into recovery... But yes, I DID resent the fact that the kids loved her. The grim reality is that I was the one who moved away, I was the one who was unable to support my own kids, and I was the one whose life was completely off the hook because of my drug use. At the time that I left, those kids were better off without me around (In hindsite.) I have to live with that every day. Both are adults now. I can never get that time back. Whenever I chair a meeting, I like to remind newcomers about that - once you lose a day, a week, a year - it's GONE - and if it's a year of your child's life, it's gone for GOOD. You never get another chance, and it's your own fault.
dells	Re: Children of addicts bonding to caregiver? It's been a year now that my daughter has been back living with me and little granddaughter, after being gone from little ones life for over 3 yrs. If daughter has any resentment toward me for having her baby, she does not show it! Daughter & I kind of think of ourselves as the "mom & dad" to little one, we try to work as partners with her. Some nights little one wants grandma to snuggle with, sometimes mommy..... Mommy had to "relearn" being a mom, and I have tried to really step back now & give more responsibility to mommy. My daughter was in rehab for almost 9 months before coming back into her childs life fulltime. She is completely thankful for me taking care of her precious daughter while she was absent.
upagainst thewall	Re: Children of addicts bonding to caregiver? You never get another chance, and it's your own fault. Pen I liked that sentence. Somehow I feel like she is blaming me for making her move out and get herself together. It probably is just my Momma instinct. Another thing I noticed is when I get in from work and the boys run to me for hugs and hello's, she acts like she is offended. I am thankful they are with me daily, because they not only grew in my home but in my heart as well. Blessings to all.