My husband has been in jail (non-drug related charges) for the past
week. (although he was under the influence when he committed the
offense)
I declined to bail him out, he had a court date on Tuesday, his
next court date is June 23. I went to see him tonight (to show him
some kind of support). He asked me to bail him out again, he said that
he would have a better chance of getting his charges taken care of if
he was out and could get a job etc... I again told him that I would
not post bail. Of course he got angry and told me that if I did not
"help" him now, not to bother coming around for visits.
O.k. This is where my head and heart are at, I don't want to be
responsible for him by bailing him out. At least there I know he won't
be able to use. I know it must really suck to be in jail but mabey by
spending some time there it will motivate some permenant life changes.
I am pretty sure that he will be doing some time for the offense he is
charged with anyway. (felony larceny and he had warrents for failure
to appears for traffic violations)
He accuses me of doing this to be vendictive for all of the things
he has done. I can see how he might think that but I honestly am not
doing this to be hateful or get back at him. I am hoping that this
will help him in some way.
I feel that I am doing the right thing, I just need your opinions
or thoughts. I have made so many decisions that I thought were helpful
and they were really only making matters worse. I guess I just want
some non-emotional voices of reason to help talk me through this and
do ultimately the most "helpful" thing for him. Thanks
--Gina
bugs -
Gina~~You asked for opinions, so I'll give mine... although I'm not
very popular around these parts, and some think I'm mean and rude, so
I guess what I'm saying is enter at your own risk:
You say he is under the influence...you mean meth, right? Has he
ever been honest or trustworthy in the past? If not, then he is
probably not likely to be so now.
Has he been able to hold a job in the past? If not, then what is to
change things now?
As far as a public defender goes, he can have contact with him/her
while he is in jail.
If he says not to come around unless you are going to help
him...that's o.k., you probably don't need the headache anyhow. When
he gets needy, he will come crying to mama (you!).
It's all a game...a game of manipulation. Whatever works! He will
try EVERYTHING in the book. Stay strong. When he finds out he can't
wear you down, he will try someone else.
You are really doing excellent with your boundaries...I'm very
proud of you, Gina...good job!
BTW...what did he steal?hugs ~~bugsie
3toomany -
You are doing the right thing. I bailed my boyfriend out twice. I
let him sit it out the third time and guess what????? He has 81 days
clean today. in the past, he would always say that jail only makes
things worse and does nothing but degrade a man and lowers one's
self-esteem (due to the treatment they receive while in jail) ...but
this time he said "thank you" to the jailer when he was set free - "I
needed to be here."
stn -
You are absolutely right! You love him in a way he doesn't
understand. Of course he is trying to make you feel responsible and
turning it around on you. He is angry, stay strong you have done the
most loving thing for your husband. Hopefully one day he will thank
you.
S -
Bail him out after he's had time to fully detox, but on the
understanding that you will be giving him daily drug tests. Tell him
that you will have the bondsman revoke his bond if he refuses the
tests, or if he fails the tests. He probably won't be capable of
taking a job without the meth...don't hold that against him. It will
take him a while to start to recover. If he fails his tests, don't
wuss out - revoke the bond.
Angie in Cali -
You are doing the right thing ....NEVER doubt yourself because of
something an addict tries to manipulate you with ...You have the upper
hand here ... An addict until they have been clean for awhile ... and
are living a normal life and even then sometimes .... are thinking in
a very Manipulative way .... they are always trying to get back to the
drug ... whether (and most times they don't) realize it or not…
Unless he is there for an accidental murder or something quite that
serious ... then Do not get him out ...... if he really didn't want to
be there then he should think about getting clean and not doing things
that would put him in jail ....
And trust me I have been to jail Many times ... and yes it sucks
...But it's NO WHERE NEAR AS BAD as we try to make you think
I am sure he has made you very angry and hurt over his using
probably more times then you can count…and yet your still there for
him .... For him to now top it off by telling you not to come visit
him in jail ... because you aren't willing to help make this mess he
got himself into a easier for him to deal with,....THAT REALLY MAKES
ME MAD ....... But that's a good example of how damn selfish we are
...
Lorrie -
You are totally doing the right thing. He may not realize that
right now but maybe one day he will. Sometimes by not helping them we
are actually helping them. Take care and good luck!
Angie -
Jail is no rehabilitation that's for sure ...But the point of
letting him deal with this on his own is that .... Bailing him out
would just be making it easier for him to continue doing what it is
he's been doing .... cuz the consequences aren't there ..... he should
have thought about all this before he got involved in what got him put
in jail in the first place .... and this comes from someone who's been
to jail several several times
Gina -
Thanks to all of you for your opinions.
After I posted the message last night, I felt a little more clear
and stronger about not bailing my husband out.
After I read all of your responses I felt even more clear and
strong.
He's only been in there for a week and a day. I'm not sure what
kind of jail time he is facing for his charge, (felony larceny) but
even it's not like he will be doing years and years.
I feel like God is doing for him, what he has been unable to do for
himself. (sit still and stay in a controlled environment for more than
three weeks at a time)
Thanks for being there all!!!!!!
