A plan for helping a loved one who uses meth

Don’t believe the commonly held notion that there is nothing you can do to help an addict until he wants help. Everyone wants help – especially meth addicts. But we meth users have often found denial to be the only effective form of self-protection. Lying gets annoying people off our backs temporarily and meth addicts live in the now. Meth users don’t consider the future as a viable reality

If you are interested in justice, fairness, or things being right, forget trying to help a meth addict. There is too much heartache, but for those of you who think you have enough inner strength, or feel your only option is to go ahead with this, there are some things that will work.

Ok, for those of you who are not meth users, let me tell you this, there are ways of helping an addict, but it will require incredibly huge amounts of emotional investment and it may seem unfair and not worth it, and even small amounts of success may seem to be too much to be worth the trouble. The time, energy, tears, pain, and even money can make you emotionally bankrupt unless you really know what you're doing .

If you don't know what you're doing, I suggest you be very prudent and cautious, maybe consider another avenue, because meth addition is very powerful, cunning, deceptive and ruthless and selfish.

Each person is different, each child is different, each addict is different. Do you re drug education in middle school or jr. hi. school? Some people see the drug presentations and they are scared to death, the kid sitting next to him sees the same thing and can't wait to try it.

This is a starting point:
1.        Get as much info as you can
2.        Develop a plan
3.        Seek professional help
4.        Realize the truthful limitations
5.        Most importantly - Trust God

Courage is not freedom from fear. It is being afraid and going on.

“Treat people as if they are what you want them to be and you help them become what they’re capable of being.” - - - Goethe

Next:

Read the following Books:
Booklist:

Tweakers : How Crystal Meth Is Ravaging Gay America
by Frank Sanello

How To Quit Drugs For Good
by Jerry Dorsman

The Official Patient's Sourcebook on Methamphetamine Dependence: A Revised and Updated Directory for the Internet Age
by Icon Health Publications

Meth=Sorcery : Know the Truth
by Steve Box

Hooked: Five Addicts Challenge Our Misguided Drug Rehab System
by Lonny Shavelson

Practicing Harm Reduction Psychotherapy: An Alternative Approach to Addictions
by Patt Denning

The Miracle Method: A Radically New Approach to Problem Drinking
by Scott D. Miller, Insoo Kim Berg

Motivational Interviewing, Second Edition: Preparing People for Change
by William R. Miller

End Your Addiction Now : The Proven Nutritional Supplement Program That Can Set You Free
by Charles Gant, Greg Lewis

Point/Counterpoint: Opposing Perspectives on Issues of Drug Policy
by Charles F. Levinthal

Plus all of the AA and NA Literature

I know my husband is using he told me so. He has left
me after 27 years of marriage. He now wants a divorce.
He also has a girlfriend he meet in a chat room . I know the meth is the problem here he is very angry all the time and does not care about our 30 year relationship. I am heartbroken and want to help him but he wont talk to me or admit he has a problem with the meth. Should i just let him go and watch him hit rock bottom.
Very hurt in Iowa

in my experience, refusing to enable can help someone hit their bottom faster. however, the NA text says it and my experience and others' backs it up that "an addict will not stop using until they want to stop using."
but that doesn't mean there isn't anything you can do that might make them want to stop.

I have to admit that no amout of love or codependency could help me until I was ready. I had to hit bottom more then once and lose it all. I have to agree that detaching with love is what I needed. SFJ is right in saying not to give up on your loved ones however when you become sick and tired of the lies, cheating and stealing then you will know for yourself enough is enough and a little tough love may be in order. Love them but from a distance. You can put your hand out to help but don't fall into the drama of there addiction to where it causes you to much pain. That will not be fair to the rest of your loved ones. The way I look at it is once shame on you twice shame on me. Everyone is different and that is my opinion. There are also programs for loved ones of addicts that may help you to cope and realize you are not alone. If interested send me a message and I will shoot the links or if anyone else has them please add them.

Nar-Anon for family and friends of someone with a drug addiction.

Nar-Anon

I have used all of the steps for helping a loved one.
But it was only when he wanted the help. It all worked at the time, but it is not working now. I also believe each person and family is different. It's exhausting emotionally for the family, especially me as a Mother.
Some days you just say to hell with all the support groups, meetings, education on meth and the whole crazy meth addict. But then you get up the next morning and realize it's all real, not a dream (nightmare) and you get back on your support group (here) education yourself a little more, buy a new book (Tweakers) and get back into the world of your addict. Like I've said in the past, it's a roller coaster for all of us and I sure am not having any fun on this ride. It sucks!
I won't give up, but I've learned to go on and not dwell about my son's addiction everyday. I'm not really sure if there is every an answer but each person has to do what's right for them. It's true that it can effect a co-Dependants health worrying about the addict. This is just my opinion and what I have lived through for the past 3 years.
Meth sucks, big time

Hi All - new to the group, but not to meth addiction. nephew in prison (7th time for meth and stealing etc - he's 37 years old and has been using for about 20 years unless he is in jail), best friend slipped Monday. Ex lover has lost everything in his life and is living somewhere on the streets in LA.

I used about 10 years ago briefly and not ever again. I feel like I am not capable of supporting or helping someone and I know I am so fricken co-dependent its disgusting.

My closest friend in the world to me fell off the wagon only for a brief moment and is back on track. He did this Monday, and I have not seen him since. Hes off and back to work though. I hurt so deeply when he is out and I want so to help him, but not sure what I need to do. Do I tell him it is time for him to find another friend - do I love him and hold him and tell him it was only a slip, do I tell him I cant be his friend anymore if he uses. Do I give him ultimatums if he uses again he looses me? I love this man with all of my heart. Do I give up this wonderful friend because he is a recovering addict and has slipped and may do it again. DOes he have any power to stop himself even after 10 months staying off it. He drank and feels he can do that, but I think he abuses that too and it eventually leads him one step closer to the meth. Im so screwed up over this and I know its all about co-dependency, but regardless I feel the pain and the only way I can stop it is to stay away from someone I love.

Thanks for this good info -

Now, as far as a plan, Kevin and I have a plan for when he gets out of prison - I fly to Cali. -rent a car, pick him up - go to prob.officer - will have hopefully made reservations at sober living - outpatient program (maybe) - give him first month's rent - get him a car - clothes - bedding - stay a few days - I so wish he could transfer probation to Florida????? There's this great culinary school in Orlandocalled "TRUFFLES" - Anything wrong so far?...........Di.

Hello, I just wanted to say that helping an addict CAN be VERY emotionally draining as stated above. The other day when my husband tested positive for Meth(home test),my heart sank and my stomache got all topsy turny.Yet he continues to deny it.
At this point, I am very tired all the time, my stomache is so sore I can hardly eat without sever stomache pains, I have nightmares, I can't concentrate....when it gets this bad for me, I DO tell him to **** off. I take a "stress leave" from my husband and truly "Let Go-Let God". Tough Love.
I am going to see if any of those books listed are available at my local book store. I need some more advice on "helping" my meth addicted hubby. Sometimes I just don't know what to do.

I must say that what works for one doesnt always work for another. Sfj, you are extremely lucky that you had a wife that supported you through thick and thin. I've ridden this rollercoaster for 6 years and I will say I have tried every approach. Bottom line, my daughter had to want it. Didn't matter how much I tried or how hard I wanted it for her, it had to come from her.
cmom

I'm slowly but surely losing my husband of 13 years. Although he is in Rehab ... he continues to lie to me. He's due out soon and I'm not so sure....I'm almost positive...I'm at the end of my rope. He asks me to please try to understand what he's going through but then he says he can't write it down or tell me exactly how he feels. Doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me...but ok. I"m so angry....hurt...I told him how can I possibly understand if he can't even share with me. It doesn't matter about that....I am supposed to.

Thanks sjf for your insights to helping the user and the booklist. I viewed the linked video. WOW--mind blowing. This is such an evil drug.

When you are trying to help your addict you lose yourself. It all the sudden becomes a obsession to help this person your life is now handed over to them to lie, cheat and do what ever to get them through their addiction. Emotionally draining because just when you think that they are on the right track you find out that their not. I think the saddes thing in the world is that you as a non user lose yourself in this addiction you now have a addiction to help them. The bottom line is, is it worth your life. Will it really change this person to want to be clean.... I begged and pleaded for the old cody to come back the one that i fell so in love with and found that it was not worth it... I realized that I no longer lived for myself but, for him. A common question i ask is why???because of course i loved him and hated to see him self destruct....really though how could i have changed that? I couldn't that was his choice to do....Yes it was hard to leave him harder when he didn't want to let me go but this evil drug has a power of destruction not just for him but for you. Figure out how much time you truly want to invest in this abusive situation....good luck

I've read some of Dr. Phil McGraw's books and even though he appears on tv and writes all these best-sellers, he's got a point and that is to detach yourself from an addict, suggest that he or she get help and love them from a distance.

SFJ, I don't know if you any kids, but dragging a young child through this toxic rollercoaster can't possibly be good. As a parent, my duty is to my 5 year old child, not to a 49 year old man. I try to think like a paramedic at an accident scene. Which one has more to live for? The other thing paramedics or firefighters get taught is to always consider their own safety and to avoid dangerous situations for themselves. Why should I ruin any more of my or my child's life to save someone who has lied, hurt, threatened, abused, betrayed me/us and furthermore does not want any real help?
colibri

Quote:

   Don’t believe the commonly held notion that there is nothing you can do to help an addict until he wants help.

If this is true...why when I tried every possible solution, letting him know that I loved him, trying marriage counseling, giving him information on a rehab place that he would have had to "check himself into", trying to understand the why's, what's and what the hell is he doing now and who with? I think that I have gone down every avenue except for leave his ass. It took something inside him to "click" before he decided that he needed help. ( Along with two days later he was arrested on a warrant for driving on a suspended license). I don't get it...

I stumbled across this site in my search to understand. I need something, answers, I don't know. We are desperate to help my brother who is a meth user; he has been using for a number of years, 5 at least. He is abusive, hostile, irritable, and violent. He has driven the entire family out of our family home, he just quit his job (again), and he looks pale and skinny. Nonetheless, we love him and just cannot bear to see him self-destruct. This problem has just consumed the entire family and we do not know what to do anymore. He told us about a year ago that he wanted help - now he is right back to where he started. Can't he see that he is destroying not only his life but the life of everyone around him?

I believe when it gets to the point that your child's addiction or your spouse's addiction is all you think about..is in your every waking thought... and you know you have done everything possible to help them, it becomes detrimental to your health to continue to believe in them and trust them. Whne your life becomes consumed with their addiction, it's not healthy. Does that mean you aren't strong? No. I think I a very strong, independent person. I have loved and supported my daughter for 6 years. I have come to realize she knows that her choices will bring consequences. I have to stick to my guns. If I don't what is my word worth?
cmom

iam like all the rest and as we all are its called co.dependant always making sure things arew in order so as not to cause confect and hoping maybe to get some real time with my loved one. he disappears and lies and it gets so bizarr i almost feel like its mew and i live in the twightlight zone lonley and trusting god. i have no car or friends just animals and pray they stay out of the way .. the poronography gets me the best and i cant follow that and feel good pleSE HELP

HEY I HAVE EXACTLY THE SAME THING AND FEEL SO DEVASTATED AND LONLEY.. ITS BEEN YEARS OF HIM HAVING ALL THE FUN AND ME PICKING UP THE PIECEWS AND FEELING SO ALONE AND LOST I WAS THERE UNTIL I SAW WHERE HE WAS GOING AND NOW I SIT ALONE

Hi SFJ,

I have read all of the resource materials you suggest and agree that they provide much insight and information.

Please permit me to add a couple more to your fine list of suggestions:

l. Willpower's Not Enough
(Arnold Washton, Ph.D & Donna Boundy, M.S.W.)

2. Understanding Drugs OF Abuse: The Process of
Addiction, Treatment and Recovery
(Mim J. Landry)

I ran accross this site looking for answers. My 18yr old son is in jail for meth possesion. I have had him in treatment both in and out patient... He says he wants treatment again. The plan is for him to sit in jail till he goes but he of course wants me to bail him out. I told him today I would not and he is heartbroken and pissed at me. He know how to make me feel guilty.. the courts want him clean for at least 45 days.. I don't know if he really wants help or just wants out of jail... but I am sticking to my guns and not bailing him out.. The guilt is killing me... he is all I think about... I HATE THIS DRUG AND DISEASE