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Methamphetamine: Stories
and Letters of the Hidden Costs
My story of how meth is ruining my family's
life
What families of meth addicts go thru Hi i am a mother of 2.i was married
to my kids dad for about 5 1/2 yrs. He was a user of all drugs and beer you name
it he did it. He could not keep a job, i lost jobs because he wouldn't come home
at nights. When he did have a job on Fridays(payday) he wouldn't come home til
sometimes Sunday nights if even then. he would spend all of his pay check out
partying. i lived about 5 hrs from my home town i moved away with him because he
said if i cared about our marriage and wanted to save it i would go, so i did
and 11 months later i was back home with mom and dad divorcing him. drugs are
everywhere you look heard enough you'll find it and know the right people he
found it no matter where we was. When we didn't have any food for our kids i
would have to borrow from mom and dad just for my kids to eat, because he spent
it all on drugs and partying. i finally took my 2 kids and left him in 1995 i
couldn't take it anymore. I remarried in 1998 to a good man who took me and my 2
kids in with no questions asked.
How Meth Has Wrecked My Life and My Daddys
Life Hi. I am an 18 year old girl who
can't help but wonder how someone could do Meth after what happen to my brother
and his wife. I have never once smoked, snorted, or injected meth, but my
brother is a different story. He has been a user since he was in the 8th grade.
Last year he got his girlfriend pregnant, and she is a user also. When she was
pregnant, her and my brother went on a two week "spree" and did meth constantly.
Through out her whole pregancy her and my brother did meth. She also drank
alcohol, and God knows what else. At the end of July of 2004 my grandmother
died. That very same night my brother, his wife and me and my husband went out
to eat. My brother bought a bottle of Crown Royal and pour some into her sonic
cup and she drank every bit of it. Later on that night they went out and done
dope. Then, 10 days later my neice was born 2 months premature. She weighed 2
lbs. and 7 oz. My brother could fit his wedding ring over her leg. She was in
the hospital for a very long time. When she finally got out of the hospital, she
was on all kinds of medicine and machines. She was in and out of the hospital
and soon she begin to have seziures. By May she was on liquid valium. Then one
night while her parents were asleep in the same bed, she either had a seziure or
choked on her own vomit and she passed away 2 weeks before her 1st birthday. She
is better off now with God and my grandmother. The thing that makes me mad is
tha my brother and his wife are still continuing to use meth. Do they not
realize that is why their baby girl is dead? I hope this story helps some of you
that want help because meth isn't only effecting your life, it is effecting your
children, your parents, and everyone who cares about you.
tried it for a while My daughter Just some thoughts Don't know what to do hi..my name is Sonny and i'm 21....i've
been using meth for 3 yrs. now...and i've ben married for 4 yrs...and it has
been the biggest downfall of my life ever since...and worst of all, i got my
wife into an addict just like me...How Do You Think We Feel Being PARENTS While
TWEAKIN??? yes we have a 1 yr old daughter, and man...i tell u people...having
ONE parent as a tweaker is bad enough, but the both of you is even worst...my
wife and i neglect our daughter so much that we dont even realize it...I just
thank GOD our daughter has the most caring grandparents ever...theyve been there
for my daughter since day 1..not my wife and i...we've been tweakin since day
1...we've missed so much of my daughters 1 yr growing up...and thats the thing
parents are there for or see themselves is their kids get bigger and older..but
my first year of my first child has gone to nothing but a waist of time because
of this SHIT..... daughter on meth Living Hell My story Email to Nancy I just finished reading the stories
that meth addicts have posted on the web.I am stunned and blown away by how
similiar their stories are to mine.YET we all feel like we are the only one who
is affected with the BAD side of meth.I have always called meth "crank".If I or
my few crank friends heard someone say meth we immediately shut down,ended the
deal,and waited to hear "sheriff's department"as the front door came down.I
first tried crank on July 6th 1997.This was also the day I finished a 30 day
treatment stay for prescription pills.I ended up staying with the girl who had
been my treatment roommate.She got out a week before me but continued to attend
meetings everyday with me.(meeting a day,everyday day).My stay in treatment was
a good experience after the first week.Or I thought it was.The place where I
hoped to get off the pills ended up being as screwed up
Six Years A response to JLW who posted in march and may Last friday almost became the WORST day of my
life My Friend Ricky Hi, i am a 17 year old girl who is a
junior in high school. I always had this little crush on this guy that was 1
year older then me and went to my school. I got his AOL screen name and started
talking to him, we started hanging out and becomming very close. At the time i
knew that he smoked weed and that really did not bother me. I also knew that he
popped pills, that sorta bothered me but not a lot. My best friend rachael came
up to me one day and told me that WJ (the guy i was talking with) was using
meth. I didn't believe her because he never acted strange, or hyper, or even
acted like he was on meth. I continued hanging out with him and being involved
with him in many ways. One morning i got a phone call from his best friend and
told me that he tried killing himself with a knife during school, and got taken
away. He got put into a placement in town, but a month later got taken to Souix
city for another 3 months. He would always write me and tell me that he was
going to change, and i believed all his lies, when he came back for home visits,
he was a completely different person and would tell me i was all he needed, and
make promises, and usually keep them. He was the perfect boyfriend now that he
wasn't on meth. After about a month of him being back for good, i was informed
he started smoking weed again, it really bothered me because i know that that
leads to other things, but i tried not to let it get to me too bad. About a week
later i was also informed he was doing meth with his ex girlfriend and had been
doing it for a couple weeks. I didn't believe it because he was so confident in
himself that he would never touch that dirty drug ever again!! About a week
later, i hung out with him on my birthday. The very first thing i noticed was
how horrible his face looked. It looked like he had horrible acne. Then i
realized that it was from the meth he really had been doing. I still tried to
not let it get to me, but then he just started acting like a completely
different person and always promising and lying, and breaking my heart. I came
so close to killing myself, and i wasn't even using the drug. It surprised me so
much how addicting something so horrible for you can be. He is now using meth
mostly every day, and quotes, "i can never quit, this is who i am now." anybody
out there who is thinking about trying meth PLEASE DONT. it ruins lives, it
breaks everyones heart around you, it messes so bad with your head, and makes
you do things that you wouldnt ever do. Do not hurt anyone, especially yourself.
Stay clean and healthy and dont ever consider this horrible pain called Meth. Meth is a down hill ride; no matter
how one looks at it. The stories were very painful to read even tho' I'm not
into any type of drugs and never have been. These poor souls
My meth story I was just looking for someone to
help me make sense of why my fiance of 3yrs. chose meth over myself and our 5
children. We had such a beautiful family and everything was so perfect for the
first 2years. The last year has been pure hell. I have lost so much because I
have tried so hard to stand beside him. Through the beatings, court and through
rehab. He hasn't even been out of rehab for a month and he is already back to
using again. I just don't understand, I'm 30 years old and findly found the one
I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and all disappeared. I just can't
make any sense of anything he says or does. Everything that comes out of his
mouth is a lie or verbally disturbing. Please, I have no one, I gave up my
family for him and gave up my 11 year old son for 4 months because he couldn't
stand to watch him beat on me anymore. Meth head For the Story Board THE TRUTH IS........ Letter 2 My story of meth 45 days clean, update posting I want to thank the KBI for all
their dangerous and very brave work trying to stop Methamphetamine use and sell
in Kansas. I have a concern about my work place. Meth use seems to be common.
Most people on the drug take a sudden fear of me as luckily I come across as
decent and intolerate of drug and alcohol. A relative was killed by a drunk
driver on drugs many years ago when I was 18. My concern at work is why don't
the owners, board of directors and the corporations that own the nursing homes
in the state of Kansas enforce regular drug testing for everyone? Not only is it
not enforced on the staff who have known problems even to those in
administration but why aren't those in administration tested as well? That might
explain why complaints about odd meth behavior, drug use at work does not prompt
any type of investigation once you notify your 'chain of command' as the chain
of command is involved as well. I have too much respect for the KBI to think
their drug enforcement would not force a drug investigation in Manhattan Kansas
at all the Health care facilities if they knew they needed to enclude
administration as well as staff workers. The non-users in the Nursing homes and
Hospitals are harrassed or fired into silence. This problem is getting dangerous
when administration protects their meth friends and the dependable workers are
made to feel like outsiders. Thank you for your time. )One of many who don't use
meth in Manhattan Kansas) I would leave my name but I have learned if you don't
do meth in in town complaining does no good at all. I was just hoping that it
might this time. Please keep your focus on nursing homes , some hospital workers
have problems but that is mostly in non medical areas, like some of those in
housekeeping. There are Med aides and CNA's making decisions only nurses have
the right to make legally. I have found out many are on Meth regularly. Does
meth alter your behavior and judgement so that you are dangerously bold yet
paranoid of anyones criticism of you? I don't know how meth alters the users
behavior in medical terms. I only see the emotional instability and
irresponsiblity in action. Dating a supposed ex-user Ode to NA I feel the need for speed Endless Run Curled up in the corner of my bed Email letters to kcimeth@yahoo.com All submissions become the property of the KCI The Anti-Meth Site. The KCI The Anti-Meth Site reserves the right to reject any submission. The
reader should be aware that the KCI The Anti-Meth Site is not responsible for the content of
any submission. Editing changes for clarity, spelling and readability is for the benefit
of the readers. Some stories may be graphic. HOME
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while now and its getting really out of control. Im the only one that
works now. I dont make much at all. I cant pay my bills cause he is stealing
everything from me to get more. He doesnt even act like himself anymore. I've
asked him to stop, if not for me then for the kids that adore him and he said he
didnt want to. He doesnt have a problem according to him. We dont have any
appliances anymore, he sold the washer and dryer, the couch, all our tvs, and my
car. The car was sold for $50. He never sleeps and the kids wonder why. I dont
know what to say to them. They shouldnt have to be going thru this. Its tearing
me apart cause its like he's dying and someone else that is cold hearted and
selfish is moving in. I dont know what to do. Most of the time he's gone. I have
no phone or transportation when he leaves. My heads telling me to get away from
him but my hearts telling me to stay and try to help him. To bring back the
person i once knew. But i dont want to loose my kids in the process or see them
get hurt. He owes people money, one of his close friends came to the house one
night with a gun looking for him. of course he wasnt there, that guy said he was
going to find him and make him give him his money or another hit. I heard one of
his conversations between the two of them one night that guy came over, they
went outside to talk. My husband thought i was asleep, but i was listening to
them at the window. The guy told my husband that if he didnt pay him back one
way or the other that he was going to get payment from me and was going to make
him watch. Im so scarred. I'd do anything for my husband. I love him. But i dont
know if i could handle that. Please help, i dont know what to do. 
meth users and my brother in particular
when he pops his own fifty four year old mother up side the head and makes her
head bleed. Maybe it's cuz the drugs made him mad but to tell the truth I do not
care why. Luckily my other two sisters live near to my parents and one was home
to call the cops. Once he thru a bottle thru the window and nearly hit my dad
and glass flew everywhere....he has torn down the Christmas tree with precious
family ornaments , stolen family possesions to sell and pawn, been so many times
to jail he's on the verge of going to prison and well that is the only time
there is any peace at home is when he's gone, his constant arguing and bickering
and yelling and threatening to beat the hell out of ya. Life with a meth user
sucks! Extremely painful and heartbreaking because ya love him but he hurts you
so many times ya just don't care anymore.
Well, if you are reading this you
have probably been affected by meth...Myself, I dont know a whole lot of time in
my life where drugs have not been a factor. First off ,growing up as a child I
was raised by two very hard working loving parents who were human and did all
they could to give us things and do things for us...As a child I always admired
my brothers, you see I was this overweight little girl who people stepped over
and rarely picked to be involved in things. However my brothers ,well they were
another story. The boys as we'll call them could do it all !They were jocks,
they played soccer ,tball later softball ,football if they did it they were
generally good at it. My mom ,dad and I woke up many saturday mornings to sit in
the rain or sun to watch them play. Their teams made championships. My mom put
alot of love into making sure they were warm and had plenty of what they needed.
My father ran the sidelines to support them and even coached and co- coached. My
youngest brother was small and agile and an amazing soccer goaly. My other
brother was not as agile but a very skilled football player who probably could
have written his own ticket to college.During our mid teens somethings fell
apart for my parents. Sad but true divorce happens. The reason I want to say
these things is because I want you to know that people on meth are people's
brothers ,uncles ,sons grandsons and many were raised to not be addicts but good
people with families who raised them to be productive. In my brother's early
teens, while my parents were married they began experimenting with alcohol and
drugs. The experimentation led my brothers to a large group of people who had
alot of addiction issues and during my parents divorce I really believe my
brothers addopted addicts as like a sort of pseudo family. Currently I am 40 and
at least half of my life I have cried, pleaded and helped, hoping they would see
how special they are and how they are truly loved and have the power within them
to stop. 
crying and emptying out
the beer and threw the bottle on the ground konwing he wasnt getting help like
he was telling us for so long. after that my mom didnt want to worry about him
and told him he couldnt stay here anymore. so he moved out and bought an
appartment for him and one of my cousins. about 2 weeks later we got a police
call early in the morning asking if we knew a "John"we said yes thats my dad and
the officer said "is he a meth addict" and we said mabey why and he told us that
some lady had called the poliece because there was a man in her house telling
her he was in the FBI and 2 guys were chaising him. they found his truck 2 miles
away from the ladys house, running and doors open. it was very cold that night
and he has on shorts. the police didnt do anything to him which made me soo mad.
but the next day we went over there to see him. he looked sick and so bad i
started crying because i had never seen him high like that he hid it sooo good i
tried asking him why and how he could do that and he just wouldnt answer me he
kept avoiding me. eventually after a few days of slepping he answered me and
told me because he wanted to kill himself. he said he did an "eightBall" ?? i
dont even know what that is but i guess its alot. he told me he would never do
it again and he was sorry once again. but after hearing it sooo many times it
means nothing to me. so after that whole incident i was very hurt and scared
that he would do it again. and i was right. like 3 weeks later he made me come
to his house so we could spend time together, so i did . but when i got there he
was leaving to go fishing and said he would be home around 10 so i said ok. i
fell asleep and woke up at about 12:30 and he wasnt there so i called him and he
said he was at my house(my ma and sis were out of town) so i asked him to come
home because i didnt want to stay at his house alone so he said he would be
there in 15 min. i went back to bed and the same thing happened about 4 times
each with a new excuse of why he couldnt come home. so at about 11am he got home
the next morning and i had called my mom to ask her to come get me the whole
time i was waiting for her he was outside in the garage with the doors locked
and wouldnt talk to me. i dont understand why his drugs are so much more
important than me. he has a problem and doesnt even want to fix it. it hurts
sooooooooooooooo much that he will never understand why i have all this anger
built up inside for him. he doesnt realize how much it affects me. that wasnt
the end of his high daze. about 2 months after his last overdose we found out
from the police that he had thrown a computer through his front window. he told
the cops 2 men were holding me and my sister hostige and they were going to hurt
us. so he threw the computer at them he had also broke a few legs off the dining
room tabel to use as weapons to try and free us. the cops brought him to the
psych ward then to detox. he called us when he got home and thanked us for
comming to the hospital fo visit him. although we were never even there. theres
a few other things my dad has done but these were the ones i remember the most
because they were the ones that hurt the most. to this day about 1 1/2 years
later my dad is without a job and getting money who knows how. he always has
some bullshit excuse. i dont like being with my dad anymore. yes i love him and
always will but hes hurt me soooo much and lied soooo much it just is to much
for me. i never want to be like him and if im not around him i wont be under so
much stress and constant worry that i wont have to turn to something as fucked
up as drugs. i hate every drug user out there how could you be so selfish to put
yourself and your family through this you have no right to do that. i just dont
understand i worry every day that im gonna get that phone call from the cops
saying "your dad has died of an overdose" and sometimes i wish that day would
come sooner that others so that i wont have to put my life on hold anymore to be
there for him and spend all this time with him so i know he is doing the right
thing. im only 17 i shouldnt be worried about what my dads doing he should be
worried about me but the roles are switched. i just wish he could be honest with
me and i wish i could hear him say "i love you cassie" and i wish i could say "i
love you too daddy" but i know that will never happen. his drugs mean soo much
more to him. over the past year i have watched wither away to nothing. hes put
me and my ma and sis through so much heartache and hurt that we dont know what
to do anymore. i just want my daddy back. and my uncle. thanks for reading this
it helped wrighting about because i know someone else is going through the same
thing. bye 
to be at work at 7 am,he
always waited up for me and would stay up with me till 3 0r 4 am.he was
extremely neat and clean and very well groomed.we moved in together and soon
after he told me about his habit.he made it seem like it wasnt a big deal and he
did it for motivation and energy.i tried it and hated it.but to bond i started
doing it more.and started likeing it a lot.we would spend 200 a week on it,he
would hide it from me,but if i found it,id smoke it all up.i craved it and felt
like i couldnt get anything done without it.i suffered severe depression when we
were out,and i always had to smoke weed to take the edge off,but when the weed
ran out watch out,i was super bitch.i said mean and hatefull things to him and
others and isolated myself from my family and friends.i left him 3 months
ago,just couldnt take it anymore,tried to get away from it.now here i am,no
car,no job liveing with mom again,all because the only thing i cared about was
smokeing meth.oh god help me but i still want it,i just dont have a connection
any more or financial means to do it,thank god.i take pain pills when i can get
em to try to fill the missing void of meth.i loved it.it made me confident happy
and productive around the house.will this craveing ever end?my innocence was
stolen by this drug,the last 6 months of my kids life were just a blur.my god
but im weak and if it was sitting in front of me id do it.i wish id never tried
it.i take energy and caffeine pills to try and get that feeling but meth gives
you such a sense of well being that other stuff dosent.i never had even met any
one that did this drug before my ex,i was so naive and dumb.my heart aches all
the time for something to fill it.i am so depressed.please dont mess with
meth.youll never be the same 
she begs him to take her with him, and he
says no and she just crys. The girl cant believe she has anything to do with
him. last year, she was arrested for having a friends son 19 years old, in her
car at a fast food restaurant where his sister worked. While they were parked,
this boyfriend???? came in with his brother driving and ran up on them and had a
knife at this guys throat. His sister got in between as he had priviously
knocked her brothers front teeth out and he was afraid of him and had a rifle in
the car. Supposedly he had no bullets for it. My daughter had a billy club under
her seat and said it was for protection against him. He had split her nose and
her head and knocked her around numerous times before. Anyway, after threatening
the guy and his sister, he slashed both passenger side tires on my daughters car
and took offf. Apparently, according to a police report, he stopped a patrol car
passing by and said there was a guy with a girl and the guy was waving a rifle
around. They pulled in searched my daughters car and arrested them both for
weapons. I went to the jail to see my daughter a couple of days later when I
heard about this and she said "Dont get me out, I feel safer in jail. He
threatened if she ever left him, she'd be found in a shallow grave on the side
of the road. I did not bail her out and when she went to court I asked the
deputy who arrested them, why the( ex or whatever he is ) wasnt also arrested
and he said he didnt do anything and i asked who he thought slashed her tires
and he said probably him. I never did understand how that -----gets away with
everything he does wrong and believe me theres been alot. he has never had a
real job in the whole 14 years and never paid rent for any home for them to live
in. She was doing so well without him and frankly I dont understand why she
would stay in that kind of terrible situation and lose all her kids and other
family members for him and those drugs. Why do people ruin so many lives
including there own? i think she is partially afraid of him and now i think
since she has lost everything and everyone else in her life, she has just given
up hope of ever being free of him and getting her life straight. I only stick up
for her because she has tried to do better and he has always screwed that up for
her. i worry every day about her and how all this will end up. I would let her
stay with me if she would just get away from him and all meth users. You cannot
stop using if you stay around that kind of stuff. You need to break away, if not
for yourself, for your children who love you unconditionally. All this has also
caused me to not be able to have ANY contact with her beautiful twins, who are
probably wondering, why not only does their mother not see them, but their
sister and myself cannot see them either. All these head games are not fair to
these poor innocent children. I can only pray that someday, somehow my beautiful
daughter will come to her senses and take that very large step to get away from
that lifestyle. Did I say life?? That is not life or living, it is in fact a
death sentence. We all need to pray for everyone we love and even those we may
not love because of what they have done to help ruin our familys. Dont get
caught in the trap. Dont let anyone take your life from you. It is not worth it.
There is good in everyone and with God's help things will get better. If anyone
out their has any advice for me, on what I should or shouldnt do and if their is
any help for my daughter or advice for any legal rights I may have to see my
grandchildren, I would really appreciate it. If you are a user I wish the best
for you in any attempt you make to get away from this drug. If you have lost
your children, please do not give up hope in getting straight and getting them
back. And if you are a parent, grandparent, child, etc. who has lost having a
love one in your life to this drug, WE cant give up hope that they will come
back to us. Just keep loving them and praying for them. 
I am writing this because I'm doomed and wanted to let somebody,
anybody, know what I've done to not only myself but my family. I wonder if I
should write the whole thing down in a book. Something titled "Meth
Monster-Death of a Soul". Because Meth killed my soul or at least enslaved it to
the demons I so casually communicated with and still do even though I try to
ignore them. You would never tell by looking at me that I am tormented by these
demons every second of every day and that they even manipulate my dreams. Loving
it when they can dredge up my fromer life as a normal person and make me
breakdown and weep with the knowledge of all I have lost. I lost my wife, my
children, my friends, my family, my job, my sanity and finally my very soul. I
think I will kill myself soon. I hooked up a hose to my car exhaust the other
day as I sat in a cemetary by my house. The hose was a dryer vent hose and the
hot exhaust pipe melted through the plastic as I sat waiting for the fumes to
overcome me. The hose was then too short to reach inside the back window. It
actually made me laugh for the first time in what seems like years. I can't even
kill myself right. It's only a matter of time though and I know it. I think
about it all the time and know it is the only release from the hell that I have
made my life. 
We went to the mental health to try and get him put into treatment
and got a court order for an evaluation. In court the Judge said he was
disappointed with the evaluation and said he wouldn't eve call it one and told
us that the mental health here is incompetent. So he got 2 years prison time. He
was 18 when the accident happened and 19 when he went to prison for the first
time. He is now 27. He just got out of prison and during his time out all he
could do is ramble about the car accident and now he is hearing spiritual
voices. He's talking crazy. Things like there is a conspiracy against him and
people have been brain-washing him, and my computer is being monitored, says our
house is bugged and he wants to know how much money we have spent in the last
year and wants to see our credit cards to make sure we aren't paying anyone off
in order to stay alive, the hells angels are out to murder him and his family.
that is why our marriage life is stepping down the ladder each day
instead of stepping up...thats not the worst of it yet...the worst is LOSING
TRUST AND BONDAGE WITH FAMILY AND LOVED ONES...i've done the worst to the worst
anyone can do to their loved ones, stealing anything and everything of whoevers...even
my FAMILY...thats when things go bad is when u turn on ur family because of
stupid old drug problem...but what i can never accept is that my family is still
there for me and my little family...the only reason is probably my daughter...
her bedroom then throw them out. she had a
birth defect on her bladder which was corrected at 3 years old, but she would
get up in the night to pee on her stuffed animals or clothes. she cut her hair,
picked at sores, was obsessive about her clothes and hair. she would have to
wear a certain type of clothing for years at a time, only dresses but mostly
pink, then only baggy t-shirts and stretch pants, or a side pony-tail in her
hair for 4 years. at the end of second grade we had her tested again. I told the
doctor it was like this, "did you ever hear the saying he marches to the beat of
a different drummer, well she doesn't even hear the drums." she was found to be
epileptic and learning disabled. from that time on through her 18th birthday we
went to every I.E.P., stayed active in P.T.A., made every single psychologists'
appointment, and strongly advocated with the schools in her behalf. we talked to
her and her sister and brother all the time and about everything; they always
were told they would be loved by us forever, no matter what, that we might not
like some of the things they did, but they were always loved. she lied about
everything everyday for no reason. the kids were told if they told the truth the
consequences would never be as bad as what they anticipated; furthermore we
would always be there to help them out. she stole from all of us at home. she
would steal from her friends' homes. talking to her didn't help anything, the
doctors didn't help anything, there was no punishment that affected her behavior
or poor choices. she was 13 and ran up our phone bill to the tune of $2,000.00
in one month by talking long distance all night while we slept. after she got
caught, she ran up phone bills at friends' homes and then went door-to-door in
our neighborhood saying our phone was turned off (not so) and she had to call us
for an emergency. she caused so many problems as a young teenager, we became
prisoners in our own home in the attempt to curb problems. she stole our car,
but picked up her friends and drove them to school when she was 14, by this time
she was off epilepsy meds. she was dropped off at school 5 minutes before the
bell rang and picked up immediately after school. she started running away, from
school. she was put into the psych hosp when she was 15 for evaluation and
tested negative for drugs. she became increasingly violent toward her father and
myself. 4 other kids and she stole one of the parents' cars and took it to
Calif. for a week. just before she turned 18, she bit me on the back during one
of her violent outbursts and was arrested and again sent to the hosp for psych _eval.
she tested negative for everything except pot. her father and I spoke to the
psychiatrist who evaluated her and asked if we had overlooked anything as she
grew up, did we miss something that some sort of medicine would fix. he said no,
she had definite misfirings in her brain, she did not get from point A to point
B the same way most normal people do. she could change, but only if she wanted
to. she said she did, we took her to see him as an out-patient, and she threw a
fit. the doctor told her she was wasting his time and our time and money. she
continued to run away, so much so, that we'd just give the police the report
over the phone and they'd send her a ticket when she returned. when she turned
18 I told her I would not call the police anymore when she ran away, but if she
didn't follow house rules, she would be kicked out. She ended up enrolling in an
alternative high school and got her diploma when she was 19. just after her 21st
birthday she met a guy 7 years older than her and within 2 months decided to
move in with him. then she told be she had been using meth occasionally for
about 2 years and he helped her off it. a month later, weighing 78 lbs at 5 ft
tall, she announced she was pregnant. she doubled her weight. the baby was 8
weeks premature. all through her pregnancy, we were at their apt when they were
fighting, or they were at our home. she started bleeding and almost had the baby
on the toilet because she thought she was constipated and her boyfriend wouldn't
take her to the E.R. for it. we were working 10-hour days and then we would go
to the hosp. I.C.U. and sit on stools next to the incubator for another 2 to 3
hours staring at our first-born grandson. just after he turned 5 months old, she
moved back home with the baby. by then she'd had a broken finger and arm from
this guy. she was ok off and on, but we took care of the baby about 80% of the
time when she was home. she was devoted, in her own way, to the care of this
little one. She had a few friends and she talked non-stop on the phone. she met
another guy and became pregnant almost two years ago. they broke up just before
she learned she was pregnant and she refused to tell him until the baby was
nearly due. she had been down to 85 lbs when she got pregnant this last time and
again doubled her weight. her blood pressure skyrocketed and we were in and out
of the E.R. many times in the last weeks before her other son was born. Her
weight dropped down to 100 lbs by the time this baby was a month old. she barely
took care of him, but yelled at us for doing so. she'd be up all night long and
on weekends we could hardly get her out of bed to take care of the boys. the
oldest one was sleeping with us, and spending most of his time with us when she
was at home. she decided to date the first son's father again, and picked him up
from his half-way house. he hadn't seen his son in over a year because of his
drug problems. I cracked one day when we were all outside building a swing set
for the boys and he was mad because I wouldn't let him come over as my son was
there to help and refused to stay if this guy came to the house. He kept calling
and finally I told him the best thing he could do was stay out of his son's life
and give the little guy a chance to grow up in a better environment than he
could provide; he was 30 years old, living in a half-way house again, no car, no
real job, and still on drugs. Our daughter decided he might not be the best
person to date and within a week she was dating the youngest boys' dad again.
She was becoming increasingly foul-mouthed at home, not sleeping at night, not
eating in the day and hiding in the pantry at night to eat sugar-filled foods.
we couldn't get her up on weekends and the baby would sleep off and on beside
her or crawl around the room unless we took him out of the room. it was to the
point where I told her and her boyfriend if she didn't stop the nastiness and
start to take care of the boys and help in the house, she was not going to have
a place to live. she constantly had new clothes, shoes, nail stuff and clothes
for the boys, but used her food stamps for crap. she spent $800 of her tax
return in 4 days and had nothing to show for it. she was supposed to buy a
toddler car seat with some of it. we bought it. we were buying the boys healthy
foods. she had been told for years that if we ever found out she was doing
drugs, she was out of the house. period. this summer we took our oldest grandson
away for two nights and when we came back, the house was spotless and her room
rearranged. the next afternoon her boyfriend called looking for her, saying she
wasn't going to hurt him again. turns out she dumped the boys with him and his
two kids and took off with some lie about a college placement test- on a
saturday. he said he knew she was doing meth. he said he had proof. he said just
after we left town, she called him and told him she was craving it real bad and
the person she usually got it from was out. she admitted to him that she had a
problem with it. so, he contacted a relative of his who contacted a friend of
his who contacted a dealer who was out but could take her boyfriend to his
supplier to get some. And that's what he did. left her with 2 young kids and an
infant and took a ride out to a very corrupt area in order to buy her the drug.
then he watched her smoke it and stayed with her until we came home because he
was afraid for the baby. I was furious and her father was worse. we told him we
were going to come get the boys right away. as we were headed to his house, we
called him and she was there. I told him to tell her we were coming over, not to
go anywhere, we had a family emergency. she got on the phone and demanded I tell
her about the emergency. I told her there was a family emergency, it was very
bad, it would affect all of our lives and I had to tell her in person. we got to
the house, I had her go in the back yard with her father and made sure the boys
were ok. then I went outside and told her we knew she was doing meth, we knew
her boyfriend bought it for her and she had a choice; she could go to rehab or
to jail. she just stared at us. she was high. I told her she had 2 minutes to
decide and then I was calling the police. she finally said she wanted to go to
rehab. we took her to the E.R. as the insurance rep told us to do, and I gave
her drugs to the intake clerk. they called the police and a cop came to the hosp
to arrest her. she went into detox. she went into a week-long inpatient rehab.
we saw a lawyer. we asked her to sign temp guardianship of the boys to us. she
did, just after she told the lawyer she didn't have an addiction and he asked,
"then why are you here?". her boyfriend signed the papers as well. her inpatient
counselor said she didn't need inpatient treatment, she could do just fine with
group sessions. she is now living with her boyfriend and his kids in a
two-bedroom trailor. we paid for the gas to be turned back on so our other
grandkids would have hot baths, we gave them food until they got food stamps,
and her boyfriend still insists she only lies over non-important things, she
will stay clean even after she has this next baby, and they want to get the boys
back as soon as his decorative metal business takes off. she just quit her job
of two weeks because they gave her hours she didn't like. she is a
meth-addicted, learning disabled, emotionally disabled, compulsive liar who sees
herself as the center and everyone and everything in second to her wants and
desires. including her boyfriend and his kids. including her brother and sister
and their families. including the mother and father who gave all of themselves
to doing their best to raise her to a responsible loving adult-hood. including
her two perfect little boys who shine like little stars in our daily lives.
including her unborn child. she will continue to use, abuse and lie to her
boyfriend as long as he lets her. she will never be trusted by her father or
myself in telling the truth. she has destroyed two of the most important
relationships in her life, those with her siblings. she chose to change the
lives of her two sons forever...she cannot take back the fact that she chose to
smoke this drug and does not live with the boys. she will not tell her ob/gyn of
her drug use because she says she got pregnant after rehab so she was clean,
even though she has been educated in that meth may have damaged her internal
organs and that may effect her pregnancy. She told us she had been doing meth
since she was 16. she said she was just an occasional user. she admitted to
smoking it in our house more than once and in front of her children. she
admitted to having taken the kids with her to drug houses a couple of times. I
was her best friend. I always advocated for her. I spent hours upon hours
listening and talking to her. I held her in my arms and kissed her and told her
I love her and am proud of her. I look at old pictures and I know she started
drugs earlier that 16. I can see she started it when she was 14. And through out
all of those years while her father and I took her to her appts, sat at school
meetings with her and her teachers, she lied about everything and nothing and
blew off all we tried to do behind our backs. I'm writing this because I want to
stay angry. I refuse to ever believe a word out of her mouth again. and I will
not, will not, get mushy and make up excuses for her. I will not go to meetings
in support of her. My job and responsibility with her is over. I always told my
children, I will always love you, no matter what. I love the little girl who
always tried her best to get it right and always made friends with her smile and
laughter, I just don't love the woman who decided meth was more important than
her children. 
I am not a meth user, although I have done it a few times over the
years...I realized immediatley that it was highly addictive...and that was
enough of a warning for me. Lucky me...My husband was clean for almost eight
years, for the past year he has been using meth...how much or how often I dont
know. I do know that as much as I love this man I have to find the courage and
sense to leave. I am so angry at what his addiction has done to us and our
family...the financial aspect, the violence, the lies. Wondering where he is and
who hes with ...I threaten and threaten but for what. I try to figure things out
, I have become quite the detective...but still not sure what all the lotion is
about.. I guess masturbation, he swears he has not cheated. I believe him but
why I am not sure. Our bills are behind and we are so broke. I have a good job
as a nurse and used to work in drug treatment center! I always think I can tell
when hes high. I am beginning to hate him...but it is not him it is as if he
were dead and someone has inhabited his body. He swears he loves me but what he
loves is meth and I have to get that through my thick skull.I feel for the
addict but the loved ones pay a price unlike they can ever know....Thanks for
writing it is helping me see that I have to let him go...before he kills me or
drives me crazy or makes me kill him!!!
molesting me. I couldn't have any
friends because he would molest them too. I spent my entire life in seclusion
because of their disease. My parents fought almost every day, and when in a meth
rage, my stepfather beat all of us, my mother most of all. When I was 11 he beat
her so bad with a crowbar I thought he killed her. I spent years living in tents
and backyards, trying unsuccessfully to avoid my parents' perverted meth-head
friends. I kept running away but the state put me in foster homes that were even
worse than being at home. Finally, the state emancipated me when I was 17 and I
was free. Now I am 29 years old and am going to school to become a police
officer. I have witnessed first hand what meth does to children and families and
I am not going to tolerate it anymore. I didn't give in to the cycle of abuse.
You can survive.
as me. Most of the lower
level staff was made up of former clients who had done real well in the program
but when they returned as staff found themselves fighting a never ending battle
to stay clean.Alot of hanky-panky between client's and techs as they were
called.One in particular was taking female's to an unused part of the building
and having sex.Close to my third week I finally felt pretty good.I felt special
because I was getting alot of extra attention from several of the staff and had
bonded with my fellow druggies.All but one was there for crank.At first in group
I wanted to just beat the hell out of the "junkies".I felt these are the kind of
people that are bad.For god's sake they jam needles anywhere they can find a
vein! It took only one week out for me to beg a dealer that I got mixed up with
to hit me and let me do a shot.I had been snorting for a few days I mean
constantly doing a line.My first go around lasted almost two months.Very little
down time.I would wake up outside where I had apparantly walked to in my crank
coma.I hated nighttime.Becoming a full blown crank-junkie is not a walk in the
park.It got to the point days were just as bad.I started with the tell tale sign
of (old school dope) sores,puffy face,and of course the drastic weight loss.It
took being forced to leave the dealer's house and told "you have got to go"to go
back and face people who I totally blew off the day I left treatment.Including
the courts that were looking for me and my dad who was the only one who has ever
stuck by my side no matter what.Took only two days for the police to knock on my
door and arrest me.On the way to jail I got my first lesson on how all of that
BULLSHIT works.I could help myself by directing them to a lab or two and by
doing that I was getting rid of my connection there for I was eliminating my
using.I was still in a very heavy dope fog but acted like I was wise and knew
their game well enough to play tough and act like I wasn't terrified.Jail sucks!
It didn't take long to figure that out.My dad was the one to get me out and give
me a place to sleep.I stayed off the crank briefly but was under the influence
of something everyday.I would get drunk with a tech from the treatment center
pop some Fiorinal and get almost comatost.We would go to his place (which he
shared with his wife)and have sex till it was time for her to get off of work.I
can not remember one of those encounter's.Looking back it must of been like
having sex with someone sleeping for him.He would always come to my aid when I
had taken to many pills cause I forgot I had just taken three to four pills 20
minutes earlier. That was 1997. Here it is 2005 and I still haven't been able to
stay away from the crank.I tell myself I have control now because I only consume
it by putting it in toilet paper and eating it.I haven't stuck a needle anywhere
in two years.But after finding the stories on the website I finally knew 100%
that my abuse of this drug isn't because Im a week person with no will
power.Like alot of the other's Im scared to death that life after crank just
doesn't seem worth the effort.I don't know how to keep going without giving in
to the craving of knowing if I get some I will be able to block out all the
emotional crap.I can stop from having any negative feelings for a day or
two.Knowing that the two days after I get high are going to be HELL! It's always
the same.First comes sadness and hopelessness and then the rage.I would really
like to e-mail with other people who are living the same hell.At this point I
have no friends left.I am trying so hard to hide all of this that I have to
lie,make sure my phone is deleted of text messages and clear the call log.I want
to find a way to change all of this without disappointing the one's who will
never be able to understand how I could go back and risk everything again.That
there is so much sadness in my head and my heart.The guilt I get overwhelmed
with starting at about 12hours after I use.It can sometimes get so bad I wish I
had the means and the guts to end my misery.I hope that someone else fighting
this battle will look at my story and start typing.It amazed me how drawn I was
to keep reading about all of the live's that this horrible drug has
effected.Crank has become the new deadly epidemic.From what I have seen and
lived it is going to be as damaging as the Aids and Hepatitus crisis.
to last visit, and she popped a UA, positive for meth. Do drug
tests, and he was so mad. I continued to party and he slept for 2 straight
weeks, getting ready for UAs he said, but he was mad that I was using and he got
another domestic violence charge when he said he would kill our son, then 16 and
me if we called the police. he had been pacing the hall for 6 hours calling me a
tweek, whore, slut, etc. He actually picked up the phone and called 91, the
police came and he went to jail, it was the 4th of July weekend, and I pawned my
2 carat diamond, bought shit and partied. My son was annoyed, and my daughter
who was 12 at the time stayed away at her friends As much as possible. They
always had food, great clothes, and time speant with them, but not quite as much
as I wanted, because by now I tweaked all mostr every day, or slept it off.My
son is 18 today and he lectures me on the evils of the drug. I know them, but
this last year I have been super depressed, my husband speant 6 months in jail,
and I hooked up with another tweek who had been my husbands cell mate. He
promised me money from one of his adventures, to pay for my house, but all he
did was free load off of me. I worked part time, off and on, but always blew the
good paying job interviews, or didn't go because I was tired, face broken out,
didn;t have a ride, or a car etc. I couldn't work in a bank any more, bad
credit, as I never had any money for credit card bills. I put my real estate
licensce inactive, as it is costly to keep active, and how would I show
prospective clients a house, when I drove a beater, or nothing at all. My
husband got out of jail and the kids said daddy has no where to go, so he came
here. We have owned our home for 16 years. It is time to move from the
neighborhood any way, as most of it is tweeks, or crack heads now. He has a job
making 8 bucks an hour. He is yet to have an 80 hour check, as he allways misses
at least one day a pay period, if not more. I am trying to get straight and get
a sales job. He does tweek and watches porno, when he is home. The basement and
back yard are filled with crap he has found either dumpster diving, a tweeks
dream job, and scrapping metal, another tweeks dream job, along with "porno"
star. he makes me sick to look at. So the "dope" man says heh, lets go, he ain't
much better. It's sick. I am sick. The shit is the most sick thing in the world.
Speed kills, I used to laugh when I saw that, if you don't die physically, you
sure do mentally, as I ask god for help , and he never does, because I never
chose to help myself.
My son was 1 1/2 years old when his father and I divorced, at that
time it was only pot and his refusal to not smoke it around the kids. I didn't
care if that's what he wanted to do, I just didn't want him smoking it in our
house or around the kids. Needless to say, he told me-it was his house and he
wasn't quitting for me or the kids so I left him and became a single mother. We
done better without him, altho he did have the kids every other weekend thruout
their childhood, that was about the only involvement he had in their lives. When
my son graduated from high school 2 years ago, his dad talked him into moving in
with him. Altho, I felt it was a mistake, my son made the choice to go. Over the
last 2 years, I have watched him go from being happy, good looking and a healthy
weight to a sad, discolored, 100 pd 20 year old that looks like he's 30.
I sent
him an e-mail begging him to stop and offering to do anything to help him. He
never responded although Christy told me he read it. She keeps me informed on
what’s going on with him, although he doesn’t know it. With Ricky not working
it’s up to her to pay the bills. I help out as much as I can, but Christy
doesn’t like borrowing money. I know he’s pawned just about everything he could.
They had two computers one for him and one for her. He sold hers and won’t let
her touch the other one. He spends a lot of time out in his shed and yells at
her if she disturbs him. Christy has woken up to find people she never seen
before sleeping in her living room. Right now I’m really worried about her.
Ricky has always had a very short temper and with the meth I just don’t know
what he might do. She says he’s never hit her, but I know he’s been emotionally
abusive. It seems like there’s nothing I can do that wouldn’t make things worse.
If Ricky ever found out how much she’s told me he would go ballistic. I’ve told
her she should leave, but I can understand why she doesn’t. Not matter what the
drug has done to him, he’s still our Ricky. I spend half the time incredibly
pissed off at him for what he’s doing to himself and the people who care about
him and the other half missing him and worried sick that I’ll get a phone call
saying he’s in jail or dead. When my brothers went to jail it didn’t bother me
much. I felt like they deserved it, they weren’t just using they were making and
selling meth. But Ricky is closer to me than my brothers ever were. He’s the
best friend I’ve ever had or will have. I miss him. I’m afraid for him and I
feel completely helpless. I’ve even started having nightmares about him and
fucking meth. If I could I would track down every damn meth dealer in this town
and break their fucking necks. I’ve even tried to think of ways to get Ricky
busted so he’d be forced to get clean. I wish I could just forget about him and
his problems and live my own life. But I can’t because I know the Ricky I know
and care about is still there somewhere. I just hope I can find him before it’s
too late.
are crying out in
agony when they write the letters. They have truly made their own hell on earth.
Problem is; it affects not only them but those that love them and those that
don't even know them! It affects everyone directly or indirectly. Our country is
in jeopardy due to drug abuse. How can we defend ourselves against the evils out
there when so many are concerned only with getting their next hit? And the cost
of cleaning up a meth house! The cost of paying salaries of those trying to
directly battle the problem. The children of drug users that end up in foster
care......paid for by tax payers. The simple hard working average family......WE
ARE THE ONES THAT PAY THE PRICE! Yes, the written stories of the individuals
accounts of the meth world are devestating. It is tooooo sad. I'm angry at them,
I'm angry at our law enforcement agencies and I'm angry at myself for not
becoming more educated on the world I knew I never wanted to be a part of. I do
thank the authors of those letters because they are going to be used as a part
of my anti drug campaign when I teach my son about the realities out there.
Maybe it will help him to never ever accept the first hit!
I am a recovering meth head from a few years back. I started using
with my boyfriend who introduced me to the drug. It was called crank then. He
began to hook up deals from the Indian reservation and let me tell you it was
scarey the people who distributed the drug and the drug. My boyfriend became a
dealer and for about 1 yeear there was a never ending supply. Balls the size of
bowling balls were delivered and he weighed it out. After a while we both had
parinoia so bad we would hide to use. I began to hear things that were not
real.(hallucinations).I lost weight and was up for weeks at a time. I got into a
near fatal snowmobile accident and he got busted. I went to my father and begged
for help. I got clean and was clean for three years. After that I started dating
another man, but soon found out that he also had a problem with meth. Aaaaaaaand
like they say in the 12 step programs, stay away from slippery people and
places. But I fell right back into it again (still having loud auditory voices
in my head) that will never go away. Later on I broke up with him and started
the road to recovery again. The drug is everywhere around where I live and I
literally have to run away in order to not use, but you got to do whatever is
necessary to stay quit. Sometimes I wish everybody I know who uses or
distributes would get busted. I am not a narc. It’s very hard some days and easy
other times. The doctors say that I will have hallucinations for the rest of my
life and have to take lots of medications for that . Also, I’m left to battle
this bad addiction on my own . I think your readers should know that I ended up
with tweeker tics. My face grimmases without my knowledge and the parinoia looms
to this day . Some tweekers bite their lips, get intense looks on their faces
and hide or sneak doing leagal things. All as a result of getting involved with
the wrong men……I don’t date anymore because I don’t trust the population in my
town(meth central). I am glad I got out before I ended up in jail or a mental
institution. I hope this helps someone to stop or opens some eyes to meths
destruction. Being meth free is hard, but using meth is the hardest!
destructive mode so NO Im not blaming any of my
decisions on anyone but MYSELF. We went back to my house and he made us a few
lines. I can remember picking up the straw and thinking what am I doing?. But I
did it anyways and I absolutely loved it. I couldn’t believe this substance,
this poison, could make anyone feel so alive. We did about 3 more lines each
after that, and I told him that I felt like doing cart wheels I felt so “awake”.
We stayed up all night talking, playing board games, getting on the computer,
having sex and just enjoying the night life. I stayed up until late the next
afternoon and finally went to bed. All I could think about was the weekend to
come so I could find more. I think the next time I did it was the LAST time it
felt good. Nothing ever compared to the first time. I started it on July 4th and
I have been doing it every weekend since then. It has not been that long maybe 2
months but my tolerance has already been built and it doesn’t feel good anymore.
I have only done it once during the week and even then it did hardly anything
for me. I shock my friends because I tell them that I do like 4-5 lines in one
sitting and it doesn’t effect me at all, when all they have to do is one little
baby line and they are up all night..the guy from July 4th has since moved in
with me as my room mate and he only continues to do it on the weekends also, the
sad thing is, I know he’s been doing this A LOT longer then me and even he just
needs 1 or 2 lines and he’s all good. I go out every weekend to the bar and I
always buy more ice. The only reason I get it now is to feel awake. And even
then I can go home at the end of the night and crash if I want to. This past
weekend was the worst for me. It was the Labor day 3 day weekend. I got some ice
on Friday night and did pretty much the whole bag while sitting in my car in the
parking lot of the bar, So then on Saturday when I got to the bar I hadn’t done
any and I was so ready to fall asleep. So I found my friend and bought some from
him and went to my room mates truck and did a few lines. He told me to leave him
some in the truck so I left him 2 lines. I guess I never realized how much more
I did then him until later on I asked him if he did the sh*t and if it was
enough and he just kinda looked at me funny and said “It was MORE then enough”
he even had put some away for later. And silly me was sitting there thinking I
hadn’t given him enough…by Sunday I was TOTALLY burnt out and I could barley get
myself off of the couch. I didn’t eat anything at all and I knew I was STARVING
but I refused to eat. I didn’t even want to go out on Sunday but I did just to
get out of the house. Sunday was the worst day. I did a line like every other
hour all day and night. Now that I think about it, I regret putting so much of
that sh*t in my system because now I’m paying for it. Even though I had Monday
off I didn’t do any, only because I knew my ex was bringing my son over for a
visit and I didn’t want to be all f*cked up when my son came home. Today is now
Wednesday and I am having a very hard time staying awake its sad. Yesterday I
took 2 caffeine pills and an Excedrine pill and drank soda ALL Day and I could
not wake up, my hands keep shaking, I have constant headaches, I used to self
mutilate myself but stopped for a long time but because of the crappy way this
sh*t makes me feel I have started to cut myself again and I am severely
depressed. I was already suffering from depression but I can tell now that this
drug intensifies the feeling. I am starting to remember things that I would
rather repress in my mind that happened to me a few years ago, I want to cry all
the time and I have NO patience what so ever. I don’t pick at myself because I
think that is just something I couldn’t do to myself but I am constantly
grinding my teeth and when I look in the mirror into my own eyes I feel “empty”
just kind of like a person standing there with no soul. When I look at myself I
don’t even know who I am anymore. I am sitting here at work right now trying SO
hard to stay awake, I want more then anything to not have to do this SH*T on the
weekdays. It’s bad enough that even if I don’t want to do it on the weekends I
still do because it has become that big of a habit for me. I never realized just
HOW MANY people actually do this drug until I myself started doing it, then you
realize that over half the people at the bar or anywhere do it, all these people
that I have spent time with day in and day out all had this sneaky little habit.
It’s almost like this secret society that no one knows about unless you are a
part of it too. I am being strong and not buying any but I don’t know what my
body is going through by doing SO Much of it on Sunday then just completely
stopping for the week, I think my body is in shock and wants more and I am going
through withdrawals..and I am just “that” stupid that I know I’m going to buy
some more this weekend. I am just making myself mad because I know it has no
effect on my at all. I don’t know why I felt I needed to talk about this, maybe
because I have always been so good and this is probably the most shocking thing
that anyone could ever find out about me and I don’t know who else to confess
too. I do not place the blame on anyone but myself for this mess I have put
myself in. When I started this I was on a one woman war path of self destruction
and just wanted to go down and keep going down until hopefully maybe I would
just die. I am 25 years old and I have a very good job and family and friends
that love me. Hell I even work in the substance abuse field, so you would think
that I know better then to create such madness in my life. Sometimes you just
step out of your body for awhile and don’t understand why you do the things that
you do. I guess that is where I am now. I’m not sure why I am slowly destroying
myself, maybe because I have given up all hope. It’s funny how reading these
stories a lot of people have been doing this drug for a long time and it has
really done a number on them. And I sit here, with my measly 2 months of use and
I am already soulless and empty inside. I guess it really doesn’t matter how
long you have been doing it, it will still destroy everything that you are. If
you saw me right now, you would think that I was just a little tired and maybe
stayed up too late last night, you would never think that I am struggling so
hard to not call my friend and get just a “little more” to ease this vicious
craving I have for something that does absolutely nothing for me anymore. And I
know that so many stories on here have said to turn to God, but I must say I
have been on the floor in the corner crying begging for God to help me and he is
yet to answer my cries for help. For now I guess I will hope that one day I can
look in the mirror and see something, anything, looking back at me besides
Emptiness. I have been sitting here for some time in front of this computer and
I have read and re-read the words that I have written. I hesitate to push the
“send” I’m not sure why, maybe because I’m scared of letting anyone and everyone
into my secret life. I have to tell someone, this madness is eating me up
inside. One deep breath and one simple click on the mouse and I can begin to be
free.
year period. None of these
"drugs" never called me back for more...The difference between now and then is
the past was a time filled with a-lot of memories! Now I think about the day I
was offered Meth, and the day the devil drug slowly lured my "reality" into
"fatality." I think the Truth about this "Devil Drug" is that it can turn
everything into nothing ......After I tried Meth, I was ready to do it whenever
the opportunity was available. That was not very often, however I did not
realize that I was already thinking about Meth!. Depression is a disease that I
have battled throughout my life. Depression comes and goes for most people.I
believed that Meth was hoping me to better deal with those down feeling. I felt
as if I could get through any situation standing. That lasted long enough to
take me into the next stage of my addiction. At the time my youngest child was 2
1/2 years old and I was a "stay at home mom for the first time. The availability
of Meth was always there, and every time I used one more time I fell deeper into
an addiction I never imagined could exists. The only people that were totally
aware of my meth-use, were the people that introduced the drug, and they still
are. The other people in my life I am sure have seen signs......but no matter
how hard I have tried to talk about this secret addiction to people close to me,
I couldn't. I haven't. I love my children, and have always put them first.Since
I started using meth, I put them second without even thinking that was
happening. I am ashamed. I am a 27 year old that is addicted to meth. I am also
7 1/2 months pregnant. When I found out I was pregnant I was about 5 weeks
along. I know that I had used a few times in that five week period alone. I
stopped using for close to two months, and also was not in contact with the ONLY
group of people that I new could get me the meth. I thought about meth
sub-consciously on a regular basis. That 2 months of total sobriety was my
opportunity to change everything. Then I went around my group of friends, and
once or twice a month I made up this lie about my friend wanting to buy the
meth.I have not told anyone that I have used during my pregnancy. I have lied to
everyone! My use of Meth for the past 5 months has been over about 4 full days
of being high. I have told myself that doing small amounts of this drug is
better that a large quantity. As I am typing this, It is even that much more
clear that although I have an addiction, I have done everything possible to
cover up the obvious! I lost touch with reality when I quit facing it. I am due
to have my baby in two months. Although my meth usage has been small over the
last few months of my pregnancy, I have wanted to quit every day....but mostly
on the days that I use. In order for me to stop using have to never talk to
anyone associated with Meth again. I know that the time spend recovering from a
small amount of this drug takes days .My depression hits so low at certain times
when I am in that few day down period, that It I like....not being able to see
what is directly staring you in the face. Control of anything at this point
does/to happen. After I use meth, It takes me 3 -4 days, to feel "normal'" I
want to know how I ever believed that avoidance and a temporary relief of worry
could feel better than waking up every morning an dealing with life as it comes
at you.. Those 3-4 days of "down time".....either: puts me into the deepest
sleep there is. Example:It took so much time and effort for anyone to wake me
out of this zone. Even after my eyes are open, everything else is "shut down."
There is nothing you can do to get out of this zone except.......let the effects
take their course, or injest more meth. There is no choice. I stopped choosing
when I gave up on getting through the day on my own two feet. I don;t see
clearly when I use or have used meth. I am sitting here with the ability to
accept the truth about what has happened to me since my addiction began. TI have
nor will I ever introduce this drug to anyone. I made the choice to try meth.
That was easy.....why can't I just walk away from i? I don't know that I will
ever be able to admit to anyone else that I have used meth off and on for 2 1/2
years. I never even smoked a cigarette while I was pregnant with my 9 year old,
and five year old. Then again.........I had never even heard of METH. If I could
take that one day back......I would have said No, just that once.Or even
listened to all the negative effects ...the intense burning sensation that it
would cause, the drainage down the back of your throat that would happen, and
also an up-front guarantee that I would use meth again. He was right. He
basically was telling me that my trial meth experiment, would inevitably choose.
hat is not on your mind at that moment. The first time I snorted a line, It was
such a GOOD feeling, I did not realize that I was trying Meth for the first
time, and had already determined that I would do it again!. If it was there, it
was there. If it was not, I never thought twice. In November of 2003 I was
introduced to "METH." I want to be free from this auphul desire. I am scared,
that I will fail at changing a lifestyle of lies to the truth without actually
telling my family and friends. I am not going to do meth today, but I can;t say
that my mind won't think about it. I want to be strong enough to completely stop
using meth the way I started. I am scared. I have a family, and am blessed with
this baby that I have potentially harmes with a drug I know destroys everything
in it's way. I Pray every day that I will be forgiven,and that i can look at my
children again, and choose life. When my baby is born, I know that I will
waiting for the Doctors to tell me something to be wrong with her. I could never
live with myself.......Everyday I think about what could be for my unborn baby.
The only way I will ever be able to truly move forward and make this part of my
past ...is when I have my baby....... and she is truly blessed with a normalicy
that I may have taken away from her. It is never too late to make a difference.
This is the first time that I truly feel like I can't continue to live in the
past........ to cover up a self-induced future that affects so many innocent
lives.I have beemn hurting so many people in my life. I am so Sorry. I would
take all of it back if I could. It is said that "THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE."
I want to believe that. iiF THIS IS TRUE; I want my baby to be set free from my
stupidity! I have never prayed hard about anything before. I am scared. Are
you?.
After a huge argument with
my ex boyfriend I picked up and moved to Yuma AZ to live with my mom.... I never
knew it was tweaker paradise. I was in AZ for less then a week before I heard
all the tweaker stories, i was amazed. It was now 2005 and I had only 2 months
clean. I got some crystal meth from a friend at work... and so began my trip to
HELL. I strated using all day and popping pills at night so my mom wouldn't
catch me. it was too much of a strain on my body so I dropped the pills. I had a
fight with my mom and she kicked me out of her house. Now here I am living on
the street, and the only one willing to help me with the one who sold to me. I
moved into a tweaker pad... now had no job, no transportation and no support
system. Within two weeks, I had taken a job with an escort service. I made
massive amounts of money and was able to stay as messed up as I wanted to for as
long as I wanted to. My things and money were always being stolen. I shacked up
with guys that would steal my money, and my dope. I moved around from house to
house, hotel to hotel... and had devoloped a following, sure here's a hooker
that always has money and dope. after two months of this life i ended up in a
house, with the guy John. He was a user too. We shacked up, used together, and
became in seperable in 24 hours. He made me quit my job and in less then a week,
we were headed back to the east coast.... with NOTHING. We both wanted a life
together that was clean... and so we went to take it back. We got to the east
coast and everything was perfect, we both had jobs, a 4 bedroom house and were
madly in love. about 4 months later John had to go back to AZ to take care of
some issues with his daughter.... his urges were too strong for him to deal with
himself. Johns now on his way back to jail, and has left me. This is the man who
saved my life, was clean with me and is killing himself. We don't talk much
anymore because we only fight. I'm still clean but he's been cheating on me with
anything that moves. Meth is the devils drug, it kills your emotions, smoking
meth will make you nothing more then a cave.... completley empty on the inside.