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How to deal with meth Relapse - My Daughter


sail
away43
how to deal with meth relapse
Hi all, I have the daughter who went thru rehab and has been home 2 weeks. She has been doing well, going to meetings and working her program, or so she has said. It really has seemed to be true.

Then at 3:00 pm yesterday, she told my husband she was going to pick up a friend and that's the last we heard from her. I left her a message yesterday asking her to please babysit her little brother and sister so I and my hubby could work overtime today. I know she got the message and yet she still doesn't show up. She knows that I really need the $$, not to mention that I have been helping her out by paying for gas so she can go to meetings.

I am so mad and bummed out and hurt. I am just tired of her problems being a part of my life. Now I wonder if anything she has been telling me is true. Has she been using all along?

I have been having problems with her for 5 years now, not necessarily drugs, just she will not follow rules. If I kick her out of my house, then I am sure she will continue to use. If I don't then I have to keep dealing with all the crap. I ahve gone to Alanon most of my life and I know how I am supposed to deal with this but it's hard to figure out where to draw boundaries.

Guess I should refresh memories on my story since I lurk alot but do not post. (I just never feel like I have any good advice to add, everyone here does such a good job) My daughter is 18, has disappeared from our life several times before, has been doing meth for 2 years, the last 6 months prior to rehab she did it everyday. She called me and told me she was tired of living like that and wanted to go to rehab.

I am so mad and hurt that I am grumpy and short tempered with my 6 yr old twins and also with my hubby.
     Replies...
scared
mom
Re: how to deal with meth relapse
I am sorry. I understand your anger and your hurt. We too have changed our lives to help our son get in rehab and changed our lives to bring him back home. Invested financially and emotionally only to have him relapse again.

Relapse happens. I guess that does not help to hear but it is very common.

We did have to make the rule in our home that if he did drugs he could not live here. We had to finally do that for us as well as for him. Currently he is not at home and i am quite sure he is using off and on.

I hope your daughter calls shortly. But i do not think you will want her watching the kiddos if she has been using.
imlost
inky
Re: how to deal with meth relapse
Sailaway,I am sorry you are going through this.
I am not a parent of an addict, but a recovered one and married to an addict.

I found the best way for me to handle the chaos was to expect the unexpected.
I quit planning my activities around him.
I knew I could nto count on him so I didn't.

Perhaps in establishing your boundaries, this would be a good place to start?
Either way, your daughter is not a reliable caretaker for herself much less anyone else and certainly not young children.
I would advise finding alternative child care.
I think you will be more at peace that way.

There are many other parents here.I am sure they will have more words of wisdom for you.
Much love to you and your family
Nana44 Re: how to deal with meth relapse
Quote:
If I kick her out of my house, then I am sure she will continue to use.
I know that you know that you can't control her addiction.

These are exactly the kinds of thoughts that kept me from giving my son responsibility for his own addiction and recovery.

Your daughter is 18, my son 19. To me he still seems like a child....but he's not. And I am learning to allow him to make adult decisions....even if one of them is to use drugs.

What I don't have to do is allow him to live in my home or try to use me to facilitate his drug use. I don't have to put up with his verbal abuse. I don't have to believe his promises.

And it is so much easier to live my life without centering it on him.

Love ain't easy. Love isn't always kind. Sometimes it is even downright painful. But maybe the best way to love them is to let them go.

Actions always have consequences. We need to allow our adult children to experience those consequences or they will never grow up.

And we owe it to the rest of our family to not let the addict suck the life out of us, hard as that may be.
mdfaza
lea
Re: how to deal with meth relapse
The way I deal with relapse is that I don't...I have choices...to relapse or not. I NOW FINALLY choose not to because "one is too many and a thousand is never enough." (NA term) As soon as you start the cycle again then you must stop it because it gets so much harder when you start and stop and start and stop... for me, it just clicked
mom
mab
Re: how to deal with meth relapse
I have been through this twice with my 19 yr. old daughter. I do believe this is the worst thing next to death a parent can go through. The only thing i could do was let her go, I couldn't force her to quit. I was always there when she wanted to talk, a hug, or something to eat. But that was the only things she got from me; love , food, long nites on phone, or just a hug. She knew she could not pop in and out when SHE wanted to go to sleep. I just couldn't let it happen; not with 3 other girls watching their sister behave the way she did. More than likely she is using again, mine relapsed twice after being in rehab twice. The last time they kicked her out of rehab. u cannot afford to deal with this meth problem at home. Let her go! She will be back when she needs u. Just set restrictions to what she needs and gets. It took my girl getting pregnant to stop her meth use,and she is doing great. I still worry after the baby is born if she'll start back, but right now i am gonna wait on my grandson and enjoy every bit of him!!!!!
sail
away43
Re: how to deal with meth relapse
I appreciate all the advice. Let me clarify, normally I do not allow her to babysit but she has been doing so well and she asked if she could occasionally to earn some $$, so when the overtime came up for only 6 hrs (5:00 am - 11:00 am) I thought it would be OK. Of course now my boss is PO'd because he didn't get anyone else when I couldn't show up. I guess it made me mad because it made ME look irresponsible.

For T and the other addicts, how many times did you relapse? How will I know if she is still trying to quit? How many "chances" does she get?

I know that if she comes home, she will say she has not been using so first thing Monday I'm having her take a drug test. Of course that's more $$ but I am not going to argue with her.

I definitely agree that this is right up there with our child dying. In some ways worse maybe because for me I am afraid that is where she is headed anyway, that or jail. It is agonizing to wit to see where she will end up. With every ring of the phone I am filled with dread....
mom
mab
Re: how to deal with meth relapse
I use to sit and listen to my police scanner cause sometimes they'll end up saying the name of the person they are picking up;and one night when she was a juvenile there came her name, she was in custody for being a runaway.We live in a small town in Tennessee, so everybody knows everyone. I refused to pick her up, she was not coming to my house higher than a kite, so she was released to her father.{We are divorced}. Well he was stupid and let her talk him into letting her go to a "BABY SHOWER"; and off again she was for 3 more weeks, until she couldn't do it no more. There is only so many places in this town u can hide, she had gotten tired of hiding, so who does she call???? MOMMA. I went and got her, took her straight to the jailhouse who held her until she could get taken back to rehab. My daughter says she did learn alot in rehab, but did say it was a joke to her. She figured out how to con them to. Your daughter will get tired, one day, and i know it seems hopeless right now but one day she will get tired. I hope it is soon for your sake. Wishing you nothing but luck and prayer
imlost
inky
Re: how to deal with meth relapse
Sailaway, when I quit, it was 11 years ago- and I ran out of meth. Plain and simple, it was not to be found.
It was not available and as prevalent as it is today.

Had it been ,I don't know that I would have been able to quit at that time. I didn't see it as a problem. In my mind, I thought I was fine.

It really wasn't until weeks later that it hit me that yes, I was an addict and that no I wasn't fine.

I never relapsed.
But then again, it wasn't anywhere to be found.
By the time it had come back around, I had been clean long enough to know I didn't want any.

The reasons I used at that time were no longer an issue - I had begun use in order to deal with an alcoholic husband who offered little in the way of support, I had 5 children - the last of which was a baby with colic.
A year later when my sources dried up, none of these issues were occuring- my husband had quit drinking,my baby grew up- my life had changed.

For someone in early recovery, it is my feeling relapses will happen as long as the person has not learned how to better cope with feelings and situations.
If nothing changes then nothing will change.

That varies from individual to individual.
My husband returned to using 4 years ago. In this past year of being abstinent,no recovery program, nothing changing other than me- he has used twice that I know beyond doubt, open for discussion a few more times- and contemplated use more than that.

I think more important than how many times a person relapses is how are they handling the relapses?
Is it a learning growth experience?
Are they rebounding stronger than they were going in?

Relapses do not have to be a BAD thing- as with any experience, it has the possibility of moving us forward rather than backwards- if we work our recovery.

Recovery in itself is a long process- there will be times when it feels like for every step forward there are 2 steps back.

Sailaway, in dealing with my husband, I just take it day by day. Promote positive growth and understand he may or may not get it today- but at least he is thinking one thought different.
He is clean today.
That is an improvement.

That just for today works with us loved ones as well.

In the future, if you wish your daughter to babysit and you do feel she can be responsible, plan it ahead of time.
Last minute changes of plans do not make for reliability with an early in recovery addict.
Even with my husband- if I plan to have the grandbabies over and I would like for him to participate,I let him know days ahead of time and remind him during the week.
Then I am still prepared for him to do other things.
Because that happens.

It is a hard road for all.It does get worse before it gets better.
Just encourage when you can-
Say I feel in bringing up issues.

I feel I can not rely on you because I asked you to, you said yes, but then you did not show.
I understand the last minute does not work for you so in the future I will not.
I want to trust you ,I need your help to do that....

then follow with exact what it is you are looking for.

Keep it small to begin with.In early recovery little things can overwhelm easily.

baby steps will lead to stronger steps much faster than giant leaps.

Hope this helps- much love.

See also:

Daughter is Using Meth

Where relapse takes you

Meth Relapse and Suicide

Meth Relapse Topics


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