sail
away43 |
how to deal with meth relapse
Hi all, I have the daughter who
went thru rehab and has been home 2 weeks. She has been doing
well, going to meetings and working her program, or so she has
said. It really has seemed to be true.
Then at 3:00 pm yesterday, she told my husband she was going to
pick up a friend and that's the last we heard from her. I left
her a message yesterday asking her to please babysit her little
brother and sister so I and my hubby could work overtime today.
I know she got the message and yet she still doesn't show up.
She knows that I really need the $$, not to mention that I have
been helping her out by paying for gas so she can go to
meetings.
I am so mad and bummed out and hurt. I am just tired of her
problems being a part of my life. Now I wonder if anything she
has been telling me is true. Has she been using all along?
I have been having problems with her for 5 years now, not
necessarily drugs, just she will not follow rules. If I kick her
out of my house, then I am sure she will continue to use. If I
don't then I have to keep dealing with all the crap. I ahve gone
to Alanon most of my life and I know how I am supposed to deal
with this but it's hard to figure out where to draw boundaries.
Guess I should refresh memories on my story since I lurk alot
but do not post. (I just never feel like I have any good advice
to add, everyone here does such a good job) My daughter is 18,
has disappeared from our life several times before, has been
doing meth for 2 years, the last 6 months prior to rehab she did
it everyday. She called me and told me she was tired of living
like that and wanted to go to rehab.
I am so mad and hurt that I am grumpy and short tempered with my
6 yr old twins and also with my hubby. |
| Replies... |
scared
mom |
Re: how to deal with meth relapse
I am sorry. I understand your anger and your hurt.
We too have changed our lives to help our son get in rehab and
changed our lives to bring him back home. Invested financially
and emotionally only to have him relapse again.
Relapse happens. I guess that does not help to hear but it is
very common.
We did have to make the rule in our home that if he did drugs he
could not live here. We had to finally do that for us as well as
for him. Currently he is not at home and i am quite sure he is
using off and on.
I hope your daughter calls shortly. But i do not think you will
want her watching the kiddos if she has been using. |
imlost
inky |
Re: how to deal with meth relapse
Sailaway,I am sorry you are going through this.
I am not a parent of an addict, but a recovered one and married
to an addict.
I found the best way for me to handle the chaos was to expect
the unexpected.
I quit planning my activities around him.
I knew I could nto count on him so I didn't.
Perhaps in establishing your boundaries, this would be a good
place to start?
Either way, your daughter is not a reliable caretaker for
herself much less anyone else and certainly not young children.
I would advise finding alternative child care.
I think you will be more at peace that way.
There are many other parents here.I am sure they will have more
words of wisdom for you.
Much love to you and your family |
Nana44 |
Re: how to deal with meth relapse
Quote:
If I kick her out of my house, then I am sure she will
continue to use.
I know that you know that you can't control her addiction.
These are exactly the kinds of thoughts that kept me from giving
my son responsibility for his own addiction and recovery.
Your daughter is 18, my son 19. To me he still seems like a
child....but he's not. And I am learning to allow him to make
adult decisions....even if one of them is to use drugs.
What I don't have to do is allow him to live in my home or try
to use me to facilitate his drug use. I don't have to put up
with his verbal abuse. I don't have to believe his promises.
And it is so much easier to live my life without centering it on
him.
Love ain't easy. Love isn't always kind. Sometimes it is even
downright painful. But maybe the best way to love them is to let
them go.
Actions always have consequences. We need to allow our adult
children to experience those consequences or they will never
grow up.
And we owe it to the rest of our family to not let the addict
suck the life out of us, hard as that may be. |
mdfaza
lea |
Re: how to deal with meth relapse
The way I deal with relapse is that I don't...I
have choices...to relapse or not. I NOW FINALLY choose not to
because "one is too many and a thousand is never enough." (NA
term) As soon as you start the cycle again then you must stop it
because it gets so much harder when you start and stop and start
and stop... for me, it just clicked |
mom
mab |
Re: how to deal with meth relapse
I have been through this twice with my 19 yr. old daughter. I
do believe this is the worst thing next to death a parent can go
through. The only thing i could do was let her go, I couldn't
force her to quit. I was always there when she wanted to talk, a
hug, or something to eat. But that was the only things she got
from me; love , food, long nites on phone, or just a hug. She
knew she could not pop in and out when SHE wanted to go to
sleep. I just couldn't let it happen; not with 3 other girls
watching their sister behave the way she did. More than likely
she is using again, mine relapsed twice after being in rehab
twice. The last time they kicked her out of rehab. u cannot
afford to deal with this meth problem at home. Let her go! She
will be back when she needs u. Just set restrictions to what she
needs and gets. It took my girl getting pregnant to stop her
meth use,and she is doing great. I still worry after the baby is
born if she'll start back, but right now i am gonna wait on my
grandson and enjoy every bit of him!!!!! |
sail
away43 |
Re: how to deal with meth relapse
I appreciate all the advice. Let me clarify,
normally I do not allow her to babysit but she has been doing so
well and she asked if she could occasionally to earn some $$, so
when the overtime came up for only 6 hrs (5:00 am - 11:00 am) I thought it would be OK. Of course now my boss
is PO'd because he didn't get anyone else when I couldn't show
up. I guess it made me mad because it made ME look
irresponsible.
For T and the other addicts, how many times did you relapse? How
will I know if she is still trying to quit? How many "chances"
does she get?
I know that if she comes home, she will say she has not been
using so first thing Monday I'm having her take a drug test. Of
course that's more $$ but I am not going to argue with her.
I definitely agree that this is right up there with our child
dying. In some ways worse maybe because for me I am afraid that
is where she is headed anyway, that or jail. It is agonizing to
wit to see where she will end up. With every ring of the phone I
am filled with dread.... |
mom
mab |
Re: how to deal with meth relapse
I use to sit and listen to my police scanner cause
sometimes they'll end up saying the name of the person they are
picking up;and one night when she was a juvenile there came her
name, she was in custody for being a runaway.We live in a small
town in Tennessee, so everybody knows everyone. I refused to
pick her up, she was not coming to my house higher than a kite,
so she was released to her father.{We are divorced}. Well he was
stupid and let her talk him into letting her go to a "BABY
SHOWER"; and off again she was for 3 more weeks, until she
couldn't do it no more. There is only so many places in this
town u can hide, she had gotten tired of hiding, so who does she
call???? MOMMA. I went and got her, took her straight to the
jailhouse who held her until she could get taken back to rehab.
My daughter says she did learn alot in rehab, but did say it was
a joke to her. She figured out how to con them to. Your daughter
will get tired, one day, and i know it seems hopeless right now
but one day she will get tired. I hope it is soon for your sake.
Wishing you nothing but luck and prayer |
imlost
inky |
Re: how to deal with meth relapse
Sailaway, when I quit, it
was 11 years ago- and I ran out of meth. Plain and simple, it was
not to be found.
It was not available and as prevalent as it is today.
Had it been ,I don't know that I would have been able to quit at
that time. I didn't see it as a problem. In my mind, I thought I
was fine.
It really wasn't until weeks later that it hit me that yes, I
was an addict and that no I wasn't fine.
I never relapsed.
But then again, it wasn't anywhere to be found.
By the time it had come back around, I had been clean long
enough to know I didn't want any.
The reasons I used at that time were no longer an issue - I had
begun use in order to deal with an alcoholic husband who offered
little in the way of support, I had 5 children - the last of
which was a baby with colic.
A year later when my sources dried up, none of these issues were
occuring- my husband had quit drinking,my baby grew up- my life
had changed.
For someone in early recovery, it is my feeling relapses will
happen as long as the person has not learned how to better cope
with feelings and situations.
If nothing changes then nothing will change.
That varies from individual to individual.
My husband returned to using 4 years ago. In this past year of
being abstinent,no recovery program, nothing changing other than
me- he has used twice that I know beyond doubt, open for
discussion a few more times- and contemplated use more than
that.
I think more important than how many times a person relapses is
how are they handling the relapses?
Is it a learning growth experience?
Are they rebounding stronger than they were going in?
Relapses do not have to be a BAD thing- as with any experience,
it has the possibility of moving us forward rather than
backwards- if we work our recovery.
Recovery in itself is a long process- there will be times when
it feels like for every step forward there are 2 steps back.
Sailaway, in dealing with my husband, I just take it day by day.
Promote positive growth and understand he may or may not get it
today- but at least he is thinking one thought different.
He is clean today.
That is an improvement.
That just for today works with us loved ones as well.
In the future, if you wish your daughter to babysit and you do
feel she can be responsible, plan it ahead of time.
Last minute changes of plans do not make for reliability with an
early in recovery addict.
Even with my husband- if I plan to have the grandbabies over and
I would like for him to participate,I let him know days ahead of
time and remind him during the week.
Then I am still prepared for him to do other things.
Because that happens.
It is a hard road for all.It does get worse before it gets
better.
Just encourage when you can-
Say I feel in bringing up issues.
I feel I can not rely on you because I asked you to, you said
yes, but then you did not show.
I understand the last minute does not work for you so in the
future I will not.
I want to trust you ,I need your help to do that....
then follow with exact what it is you are looking for.
Keep it small to begin with.In early recovery little things can
overwhelm easily.
baby steps will lead to stronger steps much faster than giant
leaps.
Hope this helps- much love. |
