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Mother / enabler needs advice for meth using daughter


See also:

Daughter is Using Meth Topics

Parent of a Meth Addict

What do I do to help my Daughter strung out on Meth?


backdoc3 Enabler needs advice

I struggled with a title for this thread because I think we are doing pretty good in the shut down enabler catagory........ BUT........ here's where we are and this might be long!

Maddison (daughter, 18, active user 6 months on top of alcohol and pot) says she is NO WAY going to treatment and can handle it!
Other quotes to follow such as, how much do you use "non of your biz nus". We are in private practice and a very good family friend (same age) is cleaning for us for $25 a week. This was Maddison's job until she just didn't show up and didn't want it. She is insisting we fire the girl and let her clean etc. she is threatening she will be on the streets, etc. Like $100 a month is going to pay her rent?? NO! We are in the medical field and I am very concerned about her being around any patient info. Although I don't think she at this time is really capable of anything that elaborate, she is totally harboring at least 3 wanted known criminals in her "meth flop house" as RANCID put it. She called tonight "threatening" about being/living on the street and is desparate for our "family" job. She is also throwing in our face her eating habits like " I haven't eaten in 4 days" well we along with grandparents have bought her at least 4 restaurant meals this week and we witnessed her buying at least $30 of groceries last Mon. She is completely BSing about the eating! We are feeding a bunch of other users who sleep there! Anyone reading on this sight also might have seen "female health ??" guess what? It wasn't until it was STD!!! Know she is saying, well I need food to take my medicine? It's rediculose and pitiful! We know it's going to get worse by every piece of advice we've been given but here they are.

What do you think of offering a family job with no access to personal files and paying $50 etc. towards gas/elec not cash to her. I also won't pay phone thinking that contributes to the drug. Also if you read the "how old are you" thread I am a cater/foodie and I thought I could offer her meal planning and groceries for a week for only her and if she gives food to other that is her problem. I know about all the lies, but is there any other parents out there that can support us in the " on the street, I'm hungry cry??" This is her choice I know........ but not giving her food is hard!! Although knowing she is giving it to others pisses me off!!
Come on parents...... give me some advice...... and recovering.... tell me what is a lie..........

     Replies...
Triunegirl Re: Enabler needs advice
My addict is my BF so take what I have to say with a grain of salt...

I would be concerned about her stealing from you in the event that no one is home during her "family job." It might be okay if it is 100% supervised and you don't actually give her cash. As far as food goes I would not supply her with food. However, I also don't think that you should worry about your own child starving. If she can find a way to your house for a job then she can certainly find her way there for a good home cooked meal!

From the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry you have to be going through this!

Hugs and prayers to you and your family,
FORMER
TWEAKER
Re: Enabler needs advice
Hi there,

If She Can Find Dope She Can Find Food.

If She Can Ask For Money? She Can Ask For An Application?

If You Feel You want to feed her. Instead of Cash. Give her Gift Certificates, Food Gift Cards or Food Vouchers.
Or if You want or need to feed her. Feed her in person.

Limit her or tell her how much her food budget is. Stick to it. If she gives it away well thats up to her if she wants to go hungry. Does she give her Dope away? Its ok to help her if she is helping herself.

It may sound tuff but this Drug is tuff. Just my Food for Thought.
Guene
 
Re: Enabler needs advice
Good advice formertweaker, glad to see you again. She must learn not to force you into doing something you don't want to do. Hugs B
backdoc3 Re: Enabler needs advice
That's great!! I just said that to my husband!! I knew it was her on the phone and I said, if she is whining about food, ask her how she is high??!!
We are moving towards feeding her in person, because we found at alot of places you can just buy a pack a gum and then get the change!
chrisgonz Re: Enabler needs advice
Well put formertweaker,
I'm going to have to print that and share that with my friend, she's going through the same thing with her grown son.

Well PUT!!!
Rachel
sue76
Re: Enabler needs advice
bacdoc,
I am so sorry about your daughter. How heartbreaking it must be.

Quote:


says she is NO WAY going to treatment and can handle it!

Then I guess that she can handle you not giving her that job that she did not want. She can also learn how to handle living on the streets if that is where her addiction leads her. You have offered her help but she does not want that kind of help. She wants you to give her whatever she says.
Quote:


She called tonight "threatening" about being/living on the street and is desparate for our "family" job.
While it is obvious to the rest of us, it is not to her that she is not handling it. If she does have to live on the streets, it will be her choice. She is the one that chose to quit the job that she had with you. If she is really that worried about it, McDonalds is ALWAYS hiring. And ya know what? Some money is better than no money. If she wants it bad enough, she will do what it takes to make it.

Quote:
She is also throwing in our face her eating habits like " I haven't eaten in 4 days" well we along with grandparents have bought her at least 4 restaurant meals this week and we witnessed her buying at least $30 of groceries last Mon. She is completely BSing about the eating!

That is if she is even eating. Her eating habits have NOTHING to do with you or her grandparents. Her eating habits are suffering because of her METH HABBIT. If she needs food to take her meds with, then I guess that she will have to give up some of her meth for the day and buy food instead.

She will continue to use you until you say no. I know that when my brother was living on his own and doing somethings that were not on the up and up, my mom did buy him food. But, she would go to places like Save a lot and just buy him basic canned food and she is a real big coupon shopper so she would buy him whatever was on sale. She figured that if he really got that hungry and did not have food, he would eat whatever was there. And he did. Here is another thing. She is 18 right? If she is really so broke and "needs" food, she could swallow her pride and go get food from a food bank. There are always ways to get food if you really truely are starving.
danimal55 Re: Enabler needs advice
"is in NO WAY going to treatment and can handle it!" is only deluding herself. She can't handle it.
It sounds like the cleaning job was her last foothold on the enabling environment she had come to depend on, as well as a guaranteed source of cash to support her habit, likely her last honest source.
Ending up on the "streets", as she puts it, is a ploy to guilt trip and project blame onto you in leiu of her own personal accountability.
No cash for her! It will only go toward the addiction.
I told every lie in the book to aquire "loans" for meth, drew wages twice a week when working, harrased family s for money, which to my disappointment would help me but NEVER gave me the money. Dang that would piss me off!  
Not eating for 4 days is reassurance that she was spun that long. When we finally do crash...we are *very* hungry.
Expect to hear every absurd and deluded story imaginable and realize that her sense of toxic "logic" will defy logic entirely.
We're masters of self deception, pre-requisite to deceiving others.
She's going to squeal like a mashed cat as her enablers quit enabling, but it may very well be what's best for her, and you.
As we've heard, funding a meth addiction is costly and requires a cunning ability to deceive, and the odds are she'll use those abilities to eat when she wants to and have a roof over her head as well, even if it's not her own.
The sooner she realizes that she can't "handle it", the better. It handles us.
nine
years
clean
 
Re: Enabler needs advice

Quote:


She called tonight "threatening" about being/living on the street and is desparate for our "family" job. She is also throwing in our face her eating habits like " I haven't eaten in 4 days"

The main thing I think you need to re: is this: she has CHOSEN to live in a world where she very well may wind up living on the streets; she has CHOSEN to not have the family job by not showing up for it when she did have it; she has CHOSEN to spend whatever funds she does get on dope; all things that come to her while she is active in her addiction are there by HER CHOICE.

I absolutely would NOT give her the job back. She cannot handle dope; it is handling her; she will steal from you; she will lie to you; and she will continue to manipulate you, as she is obviously doing, as long as she CHOOSES to live in her addiction and not seek recovery.

In my humble opinion. I wouldn't give her anything. Nothing. She has nothing coming as long as she CHOOSES to use. Nothing. Cut her off completely and see how well she handles it. She will not be able to. She will eventually hit bottom.

Maddison and your family are in my prayers. Do the best you can do without having nervous breakdowns, but I wouldn't give her squat. If and when she CHOOSES to accept treatment, then I'd move heaven and earth to help her.

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