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Can I really stay clean - thru anything?

Flyf1sh3r Can I really stay clean and sober through anything?
My boy recovered from being born 7 weeks early remarkably well. He made huge strides. He got to come home. He spent 2.5 weeks at home doing great.

One week ago today he was fussy in the morning. we calmed him down, and I went to work, and my wife stayed home with him, they went to the grocery store, and came home. She called me at 2:30. She was very concerned, he was pale, and wouldn't eat. I told her I would meet her, and go to the hospital with her immediately. When I got in her van and saw him, I thought he looked dead. I felt breath, and got a couple of squeaks out of him. We rushed to the hospital, and the ER room team took over from there. They got his color to return to normal, and decided to rush him to one of the best children's hospitals.

They had him on life support helping him breath so he didn't have to use as much energy. He was stable, and things looked positive. My wife flew with him in the hospital transport plane, and I drove.

I arrived early Sunday morning, and he was stable, things looked positive. I truly believed things were going to be ok. He had a team of doctors working on him, and 24 hour close supervision. I felt he was safe, we had already done this with him when he was born.

They were running tests to see what the infection was, they suspected it was a strep B infection. and their test later on confirmed it. He was stable yet very, very sick. He had been treated for strep B. Its fairly common, and they knew he was a risk for it. It usually occurs soon after birth. The doctors said getting it at his stage of life is extremely rare. We did everything right. It was very bad luck

The infection was in every part of his body, every organ, his spine, and his brain. He had been having seizures that they gave him medication for. I have been praying allot since he was born, and extra hard since this happened. I still believed he would be ok.

They did a test for brain activity, and it wasn't good. There was still hope, as the seizure meds could cause that. We had to wait until the next day for that test to know for sure.

We learned that the infection killed his brain, and it would not recover. Every other part of him was healing. We were faced with the decision of removing life support. We decided that his quality of life would be non-existent, and chose to let him go. He passed quickly in our arms at 8:25 Tuesday, June sixth. He was bloated from all the fluids they gave him. He didn't look like our baby

It was the worst experience of my life. My wife is crushed. I do not know if she will be able to stay clean and sober. We are both very bitter. Our resentments are huge, and our faith in god, or whatever you call him is non-existent. I find comfort in nothing. I constantly struggle with justifying reasons to say f**k it all. My other two kids are the only reason I haven't yet.

Meetings aren't cutting it. I hate my sponsor, and I am feeling my disease take control. I know getting loaded wont bring him back. I just want to ease the pain. I doubt it will. Zane  Taken way before his time... April 20th-June 6th, 2006  
      message board replies...
TnSkye Re: Can I really stay clean and sober through anything?
 I am so, so sorry. I know that doesn't help much, but I sat here and cried through your whole story. I cannot begin to imagine what you are your wife have been going through.

I will pray for you both. I hope that you will stay clean and sober for your children, your wife, and yourself.
JUSTCATS Re: Can I really stay clean and sober through anything?
What a beautiful little boy! I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know what purpose, God had for taking Z so soon, but he is in a peaceful, happy place, and you will see him again.

I don't know, why things like this happen, but your strength is being tested. Be strong, for your wife and children. Be strong for yourself.

You can do this. Put your sadness and energy, into those that need you now- your family. Go to meetings. Talk to people. Find a new sponsor. Take it one day at a time, being clean.
lax2 Re: Can I really stay clean and sober through anything?
Yes you can stay clean ... Using will only prolong your pain ands make it worse, if that is possible.

My heart goes out to both of you on this loss. I am so so sorry that you are going through this. I can't even imagine how deeply your heart must be breaking.
Your son looks so sweet.

I really hope you can hang on through this. If you can get through this you can get through anything.
I know your sweet son would only want the best for you. I will be praying for you my friend. Please hang in there, and stay clean, holding on for dear life, and your only hope of sanity.
Sfj Re: Can I really stay clean and sober through anything?
Our little Susie, died when she was eleven and a half months old. That was over twenty years ago.
Re: Can I really stay clean and sober through anything?
oh my, I am so sorry for your loss...

I cant even start to imagine what you are going through..

my most sincere condolences to you and you wife..
Re: Can I really stay clean and sober through anything?
I can only imagine the grief and sadness you and your wife are feeling. My heart goes out to you and her. I am so sorry for your loss.
Re: Can I really stay clean and sober through anything?
I am truly sorry for your loss. I can not even imagine the pain you are both feeling...And I am truly lost for words...I know your belief in God is currently being questioned or gone for that matter But the spirit and love you have for your son is there hold on to it...He will guide you and walk beside you threw this...He would not want either of you to hide your feelings in dope grieve for your child cry for him But just remember he is no longer in pain he is at rest use his strength to get you threw this...He is inside yur hearts and souls and that will always remain. once again,  I'm truly sorry for your loss....

Please drown your self in friends and family and each other hold one another's hand and face your day together not apart...I will pray for you and your family stay strong YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!
Re: Can I really stay clean and sober through anything?
My deepest condolences to out to you and your wife during this very difficult time. I am so very sorry you have to go through this.
danimal55 Re: Can I really stay clean and sober through anything?
 I'm sorry for this unthinkable loss and the pain it brings to you and yours...I can't imagine.
Please remember Brother, there's nothing life can throw at us that a drug or a drink can't make worse.
You can stay clean no matter what, you've been showing us how for years.
Allow yourself to grieve, and know that you're in our hearts and prayers.
Re: Can I really stay clean and sober through anything?
 I am in such tears for you and your wife and your family right now. May God be with you all. He was just precious.
still catest Re: Can I really stay clean and sober through anything?
You are in my thoughts.

You were right there for me when I got here over a year ago. I wish I had the wisdom you have, so that I could help you.

I guess we all struggle sometimes. Life and death happens to all of us, doesn't it?

I'm going to steal something I heard from Suzie (forget suzette): "If you can't do it, neither can I".

I love you, Fly. You are a big part of my recovery.
Re: Can I really stay clean and sober through anything?
I am thinking of you and your wife.
Re: Can I really stay clean and sober through anything?
I am SO SO SO sorry to read this...tears are rolling down my eyes as I type this....

But this is the deal buddy...I am sure Zane came into this world for a reason although he was called home to be with the Lord way before his time...

Channel your grieve and sadness to what matters now...

I am sure Zane would have wanted mummy and daddy to be happy and more importantly stay clean!

You can do it...we're all here rooting for you...

Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your wife...
mjb71 Re: Can I really stay clean and sober through anything?
I know you and your wife are asking why, and not one of us here will have the answer. Zane's short, sweet life is a blessing to your family to hold on to. Though his time with you was very short, he will linger in your hearts and minds forever. Hold onto that innocence and pure love that fills your heart when you think of him.
no more
Re: Can I really stay clean and sober through anything?
My thoughts are with you and your precious family.

My sincere condolences to you and yours.
Re: Can I really stay clean and sober through anything?
I have been at a loss for words since first reading your post.

Nothing I can say to you will take away the pain, nor your wife's. Everything you are feeling right now, including being angry and doubting God is natural, it's a part of the grieving process.

If you pick up and use again, you only prolong that process, and the pain remains, buried deep inside.

I know your precious son would not have wanted his dad or his mom to throw away what they have worked so hard for because his time was so short on this earth.

You have two more children who need their parents.

There are grief support groups out there, and I highly recommend you find one for you and your wife.

Last, but not least, keep talking about it with others. Pain shared is pain lessened.

These past two years have been the most wrenching for me emotionally, but I have stayed clean through it all, and that was because I reached out to others. It IS possible to stay clean through the worst of times.

I will keep you and all of your family in my prayers. God bless you all.
Flyf1sh3r Re: Can I really stay clean and sober through anything?
Thanks for your support everyone.

My disease isn't as powerful today. This forum has always helped me through the most challenging times. I made a pact with my 18 month old boy that I wouldn't get loaded. He has made it possible to walk through all the challenges This last week has brought.

His innocence, and happy, go lucky presence in between all the heartache has been relieving. He is going to help the healing process.

Since I looked into his eyes for the first time the voice of my dis-ease has been easier to silence.

Our three year old went to Utah to stay with relatives. This was to ease the workload for my wife while she settled in with the new baby. We haven't told him yet. I wish he was home.

My wife wants to send our 18 month old home with her dad until our three year old is scheduled to come home. I don't know if its the right thing to do or not. I don't want to be without him. He has brought her moments of joy. I worry that without him to be connected to she will fall deeper into depression.

There has been many complication arise from this. Each time I ground myself somewhat, a new one rattles my foundation. Before this I would go to the woods, and ask for help/guidance. My spirituality feels shattered now, and that worries me.

I don't really hate my sponsor. I just haven't been able to connect with him on the level I used to. I have been living life without much guidance the last year.

I guess it falls back to recovery being my choice, and I choose not to get loaded today.
Brn7more Re: Can I really stay clean and sober through anything?
OMG, I love God...but I hate when this happens too!!! I am so sorry for your loss. I am with the others using will only cause more problems.
Penel0pe Re: Can I really stay clean and sober through anything?
My sponsor with 22 years clean just lost her grandson in a car accident. She said the same things you were saying when you posted this. She felt she couldn't pray, she didn't know how she would stay clean through this - she just wanted to dull the pain.

22 years clean - and she had the same feelings you were having when you posted this. You're human, you're an addict, and you and I both know that no matter how long we stay clean, with pain of this magnitude, we are prone to think about what we KNOW will dull our pain - dope.

You also know very well that the pain will be there when the dope wears off.

I hope you and your wife will get some support within the program - and that you find some support from an outside source - grief counseling. I would be happy to find out where you can get that support in your area if that will help you.

I have faith in you, Jason - I have faith that you will walk through this clean. I wish I was closer so I could be there for your family - I am not - so if there is anything I CAN do for you, please let me know.

I love you brother, and I have faith in you. Hang tough - you CAN do this. That 18 month old little boy needs you, your wife needs you. Go back out into those woods and look for the comfort you know is there.
blueheart Re: Can I really stay clean and sober through anything?
We are all pulling and praying for you my friend. I wish I knew what to say.... your son is so precious. He is at peace now and needs you and your family to be strong and healthy.... you will be reunited again. My heart aches for you brother.... you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

See also:

Advice for new meth addicts quitting

I want to quit meth, but I can't fight the cravings

Can you quit meth on your own?

What is it like to go through early recovery?

What would or have you traded for drugs?

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