Can I really stay clean - thru anything?

Flyf1sh3r

Can I really stay clean and sober through anything?

My boy recovered from being born 7 weeks early remarkably well. He made huge strides. He got to come home. He spent 2.5 weeks at home doing great.

One week ago today he was fussy in the morning. we calmed him down, and I went to work, and my wife stayed home with him, they went to the grocery store, and came home. She called me at 2:30. She was very concerned, he was pale, and wouldn't eat. I told her I would meet her, and go to the hospital with her immediately. When I got in her van and saw him, I thought he looked dead. I felt breath, and got a couple of squeaks out of him. We rushed to the hospital, and the ER room team took over from there. They got his color to return to normal, and decided to rush him to one of the best children's hospitals.

They had him on life support helping him breath so he didn't have to use as much energy. He was stable, and things looked positive. My wife flew with him in the hospital transport plane, and I drove.

I arrived early Sunday morning, and he was stable, things looked positive. I truly believed things were going to be ok. He had a team of doctors working on him, and 24 hour close supervision. I felt he was safe, we had already done this with him when he was born.

They were running tests to see what the infection was, they suspected it was a strep B infection. and their test later on confirmed it. He was stable yet very, very sick. He had been treated for strep B. Its fairly common, and they knew he was a risk for it. It usually occurs soon after birth. The doctors said getting it at his stage of life is extremely rare. We did everything right. It was very bad luck

The infection was in every part of his body, every organ, his spine, and his brain. He had been having seizures that they gave him medication for. I have been praying allot since he was born, and extra hard since this happened. I still believed he would be ok.

They did a test for brain activity, and it wasn't good. There was still hope, as the seizure meds could cause that. We had to wait until the next day for that test to know for sure.

We learned that the infection killed his brain, and it would not recover. Every other part of him was healing. We were faced with the decision of removing life support. We decided that his quality of life would be non-existent, and chose to let him go. He passed quickly in our arms at 8:25 Tuesday, June sixth. He was bloated from all the fluids they gave him. He didn't look like our baby

It was the worst experience of my life. My wife is crushed. I do not know if she will be able to stay clean and sober. We are both very bitter. Our resentments are huge, and our faith in god, or whatever you call him is non-existent. I find comfort in nothing. I constantly struggle with justifying reasons to say f**k it all. My other two kids are the only reason I haven't yet.

Meetings aren't cutting it. I hate my sponsor, and I am feeling my disease take control. I know getting loaded wont bring him back. I just want to ease the pain. I doubt it will. Zane Taken way before his time... April 20th-June 6th, 2006

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TnSkye