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My Friend is in love with an addict - how can I help?


imgetinrite My Friend is in love with an addict - how can I help?
As a addict, I did a lot of things to the ones i loved and the ones who loved me. I'm 28 months clean now and my life is getting back to normal. My drug abuse caused me a lot of harm to both my body and my brain. but, I have learned to live with it and move on until I'm unable to move on. for the most part, my life is ok. I smile and laugh, and I'm just happy its over.

But......

what about the ones I've hurt? do they smile? do they laugh? are they able to move on? I have a very close friend who is the loved one of a addict. until now, I have never really thought about this in this way. she is not a addict, but.....she has all the side effects of being one. major depression, feelings of guilt over what has happened in her family. etc.

How can I help her? I understand depression, I had it bad.
I dealt with it by seeking help. Mine was because of my addiction, Hers is because of her loved ones addiction.

Today I can smile and she can't. It makes me so sad that I cant help her. She has the feeling that she can't get better, that she is beyond help. I know that isn't true. I know you can't make an addict get better...but what can you tell someone that thinks life is worthless because of an addict? I am really worried for my friend. Mental heath is just as important as physical heath.

Can someone please please help me?
How can I get her to understand that she isn't worthless? How can I convince her to get help? How can I show her she is a good person?

Any thoughts would be helpful. Thank you
     Replies...
imlostinky Re: My Friend is in love with an addict - how can I help?
Quote:
Hers is because of her loved ones addiction.

No. Hers is because of an addiction. She is addicted to her loved one.
Addicts aren't the only ones who are messed up - our loved ones get pretty messed too.
We forget to live, we get so wrapped up , consumed, obsessed with what "our" addicts are doing - we forget.

We forget one simple truth- we can not control anyone or anything but ourselves.

Her pain will leave when she realizes that. When she realizes and accepts with everything in her that she can not control his addiction, she did not cause his addiction , and she can not cure his addiction.

Pain comes from trying to change reality rather than accept reality.
Reality is her loved one is an addict.
Reality is until he experiences enough pain to override the fear of withdrawal, he will continue using.

She has a choice- either continue as she has been, giving up her life right along with him, making everyone around her miserable, playing the part of the victim/martyr well-

or fixing her. Changing herself. Finding herself. Living her life.

We can not make someone quit using- but we can very well decide how much we lose for their use.

The fact is it is out of our hands. It isn't our choice. We can not control those around us.

Only ourselves.

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change- HIM
The Courage to change the things I can- ME
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Just as the addict will quit when he is ready, when he just can not use anymore - so will we loved ones.
When we get sick and tired of being sick and tired, when we are no longer comfortable in that role of poor me, when the skin no longer fits , we will quit losing.

Give her the numbers to Alanon/NarAnon- the choice is hers to make.
The despair ends when she decides to let go of what she doesn't even have a hold on.
Let go and Let God, it is out of her hands.

imgetinrite Re: My Friend is in love with an addict - how can I help?
thank you very much for your reply, it makes a lot of sense, I hope she can find herself...she is a great person, she just doesn't see it...but I do. thank you again
imlostinky Re: My Friend is in love with an addict - how can I help?
You're welcome Kevin.
For me I do reverse psychology on myself.
When I feel so helpless, so out of control with my husband's choices, I turn it so that I get that control feel on myself.
It becomes to me that Just for today I will not allow his addiction to control me.

Just as I can not control him, it works 2 ways Kevin.
He can't control me either.

That is how I am able to regain myself, my life, me the real me.
It takes me from being help less to being help full - from power less to power full.
Just as an addict will have to work his/her own program- we do too.
Whatever works to turn this negative into a positive.
Make it work for me instead of against me.

He can't control me either. I own me.  His addiction can not take me anywhere I don't want to go.
Saved
inillinois
Re: My Friend is in love with an addict - how can I help?
imgetinrite-

You have been very helpful in my life by being a reminder of what I SHOULD be doing. I think that your "friend" can also benefit from your example. It may not be a quick turn around, but she'll eventually come through.

I know this "friend" you speak of and I happen to think she is pretty darn special. You will both be in my prayers.

You recently reminded me that God has the power to do anything. Now let me remind you that He can help you in your desperate situation.
Meth
Phobia
Re: My Friend is in love with an addict - how can I help?
Hey Kev...

I think I know who you are talking about but this 'friend' of yours is going through a roller coaster of emotions now...

Besides dealing with the issues that are faced by the loved ones of an addict...she is probably dealing with a lot of current as well as up-coming issues...

But this woman is a survivor and I too feel she is a beautiful person whose love and warmth has touched me from halfway across the earth!

I love her long long time, and lots of peace to the 2 of you...
fightnback Re: My Friend is in love with an addict - how can I help?
I love this. "His addiction can not take me anywhere I don't want to go." That says it all. As the loved one of an addict, I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride that I never wanted to be on in the first place. I don't even like roller coasters. They make me sick. And the ride keeps going on and on. I just want to throw up. Won't somebody just stop and let me off? OMG, you mean, I can get off anytime I want to! I never knew. I'll be here for my daughter when she decides the ride is over for her, but I'm getting off NOW!
imlostinky Re: My Friend is in love with an addict - how can I help?
{{{HUGS}}} Fightnback. I feel so much for the parents.
I can mentally divorce myself from my husband- but for the life of me, I don't know how I'd ever do it with my child.

I feel so much for all of you parents out there living this nightmare.
It is still the same though-
You can not control her addiction
You did not cause her addiction
and you can not cure her addiction.

You can't, no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you pray, no matter how many tears you cry.
All you can do is your best to live your life, appreciate each day as the gift that it is, and hope-
hope and pray that your child will return to you.
Know that somewhere inside of her is you. What you taught her growing up, your strength runs in her veins just as much as the meth.
She is YOUR daughter Fightnback. Somewhere inside of her beats your heart.

I hope and I pray you see your daughter again. I hope and I pray she feels your love again.
fightnback Re: My Friend is in love with an addict - how can I help?
Theresa, thank you so much for your kind words. When you said that you hope and pray that I see my daughter again, I was going to respond that I see her everyday, that she hasn't gone anywhere (this week). And then it hit me, she is gone. Physically, she's still here. I recognize her big brown eyes, her infectious smile. But mentally, emotionally, someone else has taken over her body. I hope you're right that "somewhere inside of her beats my heart." Because I miss her so much. The daughter who used to call me her "best friend" has become a stranger I don't even know anymore.
imlostinky Re: My Friend is in love with an addict - how can I help?
{{{HUGS}}} Fightnback. Somehow, some day the window will open to her heart.
Right now she is lost.
We addicts forget when we numb out the bad , we also numb out the good.
Tell her you miss her, tell her how very much you love her- even if she is appearing to shut you out.
Those words will stay with her for a lifetime.
She will remember your words when all else is forgotten.
That bond between a mother and a daughter, it is so very strong. Even when it doesn't seem like it.

Give her glimpses Mom. Every chance you get, every chance she will allow, give her glimpses of what she has left behind.
She is your daughter and she does love you. Even if she doesn't show it.
It isn't a lack of love for you - it is the lack of love for herself.
It isn't you she hates, Mom- it is herself.

Much love to you,T.

See also:

In love with meth addict, what do I do?

A plan for helping a loved one who uses meth


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