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How should I support my addict wife?


Sevristh How should I support my addict wife?
I don't know if I can properly articulate this problem, but I will try....

My wife is currently seeking a rehab facility, as I've said in my previous posts. She was not able to get into Ridgeview due to my insurance being insufficient, and so went to the local hospital on Friday and they gave a few suggestions which she is going to look into tomorrow morning. In the mean time, I have encountered some new obstacles...

First, I was initially grateful that she was finally completely honest with me when she told me the full extent of her addiction (after understating it in three other 'false' admissions). Since then, I have STRUGGLED to be supportive. Struggled not because I don't love her, and not because I don't want to be with her for the rest of my life, but because 1) I hurt from the betrayal. 2) The mood swings and hateful behavior are wearing on me. 3) It feels as though I am expected to just drop all previous gripes and begin anew.

I feel guilt, being a Christian, that I have these feelings, and that makes it worse. I feel like I SHOULD forgive everything and begin anew with her, but the pain is so near the surface...

I keep trying to push it down, and I keep telling myself it is the drug that did this to her... the good woman is inside...

I don't know... at this point, especially since she hasn't FOUND help yet, should I just try to ignore everything bad and just focus on supporting her or is it fair for me to still hold her to 'normal' standards as if none of this had happened?
     Replies...
luve
piphany
Re: How should I support my addict wife?
God has told me in my heart that I am to love my addict as my neighbor and give him up to God-see, as a Christian I know you know what that really means. It means that your wife is not yours, she is God's. At first, dealing with a meth addict we love is contrary to everything we have practiced as "nice" "kind" people-even "Christian" people as to do the best for the addict, we have to almost lie to them and treat them as if we did not know them and yes, what has come over them is pure evil but then as we are broken and we humbly surrender all of our pain and to God, then we see that we, Christians, have to REALLY live as Christians and give all up to God. It works, just like the Word says.
Pray and get healthy and seek out an Alanon or NarAnon meeting. You have lots of people who are with you so don't feel alone.
Sevristh Re: How should I support my addict wife?
I have found the NarAnon meetings, and really wish I could go, but it would mean taking a vacation day. See, they are in a town that is about 1.5 hours south of where I work, and I work third shift.

I may try to go to one and maybe leave early or something. Money's also tight for us right now, and we have a POS for a car too though. And I know, I am just making excuses...

Just feeling depressed and don't want to burden my wife with it right now. Thanks for the support guys and gals...
luve
piphany
Re: How should I support my addict wife?
Yes, NarAnon meetings are few and farther between than AlAnon-AlAnon is welcoming for you too-it's the same basically and there are plenty of men who have been where you are. AlAnon is a spiritual program and all of the members I know who are Christians feel very comfortable there. Wherever you are, just giving it up to God is the first big ole healing hurdle. Then there are also many websites that help along with this one. Definitely go over to Family Support Forum under the Community tab above here. Wonderful support there.
Just
Ronda
Re: How should I support my addict wife?
Sevristh~ I am at the same place you are, sure is scary. You go through so much, and then have to go through so much more for them and it is hard if you feel as tired and wore down and depressed as I am and probably you also. It's 'his' recovery, but so much is expected of me! Sfj sent me some info, have you seen his stuff? very helpful, but scared the sh*t out of me too, I was like, oh no, not more of it, but that's the way it is I guess. I am trying to look at it as 'our recovery' and that seems to help some. Good luck, keep us posted, use this site, it has really helped me anyway, and tons of good advice here.
Rachel
sue76
Re: How should I support my addict wife?
Hello. I am sorry to hear about what you are going through with your wife. It is really not that much fun for the loved ones of the addict while they are in recovery a lot of the time.

It is good that your wife told you the truth about her addiction and the full extent of it. It is a good first step. However, just because she was totally honest about it that it will be the last of her using. I can understand when you say at first you were grateful because at first you are. You are grateful because you feel like you know what the problem is now you can find a solution. But then, all the other feelings start to come in.
Quote:
1) I hurt from the betrayal.

That is a normal reaction when you have found out that you have been being lied to. The thing is though about addiction, it is not about you. It is all about her. It is kind of like be honest with you and you will not want her to have her beloved drug. Lie to you and she can have it all she wants. It is all about getting to have the drugs.

Quote:


2) The mood swings and hateful behavior are wearing on me

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but those often last quite awhile even with out the using. The mood swings get less intense but they are still there. I am sure that they are wearing on you. But in recovery there are some things that you are just going to have to let roll off your back.

Quote:
3) It feels as though I am expected to just drop all previous gripes and begin anew.

Sorry to be negative again but when my husband finally got serious about getting and staying clean, he stopped all that crap. He knew that there were things that I needed to talk about and he knew that I had no reason to trust him and he acknowledged it. There was not that B.S. it is in the past. He said that he knew that he was going to have to earn my trust back and he knew that it was not an over night process.

Quote:


I feel guilt, being a Christian, that I have these feelings, and that makes it worse. I feel like I SHOULD forgive everything and begin anew with her, but the pain is so near the surface...

Forgiveness is more for us then for them. It may take you awhile to get to the point that you can forgive all of it. Some things are easier to forgive then others for me personally. The feelings are that you are having are not something to feel guilty about.

Maybe the problem that you are having is that you are doubting her sincerity. Kind of like if I walked up to you and kicked you and then said " I am sorry. Can you forgive me?". To which you reply "Yes. I can." Then as soon as you have forgiven me I kick you again. We go through the whole thing again and once again you forgive me again. Then I kick you again. About the third time you are thinking as soon as I forgive her again, she is going to kick me. I have got to get away before she kick me again.

It is kind of like that scenario when the person we love is an addict. Hurt, apologize, forgive. Over and over again. Pretty soon you see what is coming and you are looking for a way to avoid that hurt.

Quote:


I keep trying to push it down, and I keep telling myself it is the drug that did this to her... the good woman is inside...

You know, your feelings are just as valid as hers are. The drug may have done this to her but the good woman inside chose to use the drug. If nothing else keep coming here to vent your feelings.


See also:

My best understanding of addiction

When do you give up on an addict?

How can we, as loved ones, help meth addicts?

Life long drug addicts, how do you respond, help, include?

Functioning Meth Addicts - How long can they live like this?


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