KCI The Anti_Meth Site

Why is it The Poor Addict?

gravel girl66	The Poor Addict? Why is it when I come on here, I see A LOT of posts about the Poor Addict. They are sick, they have a disease. They can't help it. There brain is messed up... Poor poor addict. Well what the freak about the families, the brother the sister, the mother, the wife, the husband. What about them? Do you just not get it that they don't give a @#%$ if they hurt you, throw you under the bus, cheat on you, lie to you? They DON'T CARE... and to say oh they have feelings and that makes them want to use more? Like by saying anything to them, its now your fault they just went out and got high, b/c you made them feel bad? Give me a break. It's always been there choice. Nobody makes me get out of bed and get off my a, depressed or not, and go to work. I just do it. I don't like. But that's how it is. I am so sick of everyone codling them. I understand that their use is way beyond the recreational. I get that. I know they want it...to just walk around like the rest of us. But they DON'T NEED IT. They won't die if they don't have it. I am just so sick of people, saying, oh well he has problems and he is this, and that... poor poor guy. what about your feelings? By your theories, if I cuss my ex-husband and tell him he is a worthless piece of @#%$, and he goes and gets high, well its my fault? Please... in the same token, he can call me a whore, slut, wishes I was dead, and to burn in hell... does that make me go out and get @#%$ up? No.... I understand they have problems. I agree. I understand they are ruining lives. I get they are frying their brain. But its still their choice to get messed up rather than get to the root of the substance abuse. But In that note, I think it needs to be said... there are MANY addicts, that it is not addiction for them. Its life. I know quite a few, they will never "recover" they will never 'get better' - b/c they see NOTHING wrong with the way life is. There is no bottom for them. but death. There is a MAJOR difference between those seeking recovery and those not. And to tell someone, have hope, they're messed up blah, blah, blah they're sick... when they are actively using, and not working towards any anything... puuuullleeassee! Why cant I say any damn thing I want? Crying begging and pleading didn't matter so you think calling them out on their @#%$, is going to hurt them? Whatever! I take exception to the user, who is bending their a over backwards to get it right. I will put myself out there to do everything and anything to help. But if not? Peace out! Why can't the non-users get a backbone?
Replies...
Guene	Re: The Poor Addict? gravelgirl66, As a Mother of a daughter who put us through 8 years of hell, I understand what your saying sweetie, Sometimes I would feel the same way, what about me, her Dad, her grandparents, her brother, and friends??? We have feelings, so I understand what your saying OK.
Sfj	Re: The Poor Addict? May I differ? IMHO you are looking at the wrong thing. It isn't the addict or the disease that makes you angry. It is the behavior. Isn't it? Those behaviors would make anyone angry whether it was meth or French Fried Toadstools. "Meth gets too much credit." When you focus on the behaviors instead of the molecule, or its host, What do you think will happen?
Loraura	Re: The Poor Addict? It sounds like you have expectations of how a user should act. And how the rest of the world should react to them. Expectations of how others should act or react will cause you more resentment and anger, like the way you felt when you posted, than anything else. If I'm upset that people don't meet my expectations -- I'm the one with the problem. I have a problem because I had expectations that no one else agreed to live by. It was my expectations that caused my anger when they weren't met. When you remove all your expectations of how other people should act, and just accept whatever they throw at you as THEIR SHYT, and then decide how much of their shyt you want to take. Then you are working with reality.
Guene	Re: The Poor Addict? Good point Loraura, But maybe she is just venting out her anger, and sometimes it does seem like we as parents or love ones are made to feel like we are the bad guys. And your right about expectations, I believe that it's up to Jamie to learn to deal and live with her problems and I will sit by and pray that she will have a better life if that's what she wants. I don't expect anything but to live my life free from expecting her to be what I wanted her to be, now she has to live her own life. And I will live mine.
FSOAB	Re: The Poor Addict? I'm thinking..... Those little ice molecules tend to take a persons bad behavior to New all time highs! Like nobodies business... Like, What the F forever!!!!
silly veronica	Re: The Poor Addict? Maybe I'm way off, but I think you're partly referring to my situation ... things that I said to Chad about hoping his drugs and money made him happy, and then Leslie replying that I may have made HIS situation worse. This is something I've struggled with all along. How much do I feel sorry for him - how much do I hate him for choosing that drug over the wonderful life we could have had - how much is/isn't his choice? I've never used so I don't REALLY know ... I only know what I've learned from this site, what other users have told me. I do understand your anger - damn straight I do. But I'm realizing that having anger towards that shell of a person isn't worthwhile either (because that shell isn't "getting it.") Or maybe I'm altogether off and your post didn't have anything to do with me (I put myself in the center of attention sometimes).
Guene	Re: The Poor Addict? I don't think your off, we do get angry, and that's ok, nothing wrong with anger. We cry, that's ok too, feelings are something we all have, nothing wrong with that, its how we deal with them. Working on them and dealing with them, everybody is going to feel anger, sadness, happiness, and all kinds of emotions it's normal, it's how we deal with them that counts.
blinded for2 years	Re: The Poor Addict? Doesn't meth deserve all the credit? If our "addict" didn't use meth, would they behave the same? NO. Before meth came in the picture, my s/o never hit me, never verbally abused me etc. until he started doing meth. Yes, it is the behavior that I didn't like, but what caused him to act like that when he didn't do it sober?
luve piphany	Re: The Poor Addict? Oh hell, you are just talking about the whole shytty dynamics of this methmadness. It doesn't make any sense what any of us NON-users think, know or do-the meth addict is still a meth addict and every person needs to find their own way to accepting that-user and non-user. Life is full of changing thoughts, opinions, beliefs. It's ok to love one day and hate the next-it's ok to feel sympathy one day and pound on the tough love the next. It's ok to change and grow and heal and get sicker too-It has to be ok, cuz that's LIFE! These are real (hopefully) people who hang out here. That's all. If we can't change, cure or control the addict....or other people in our lives (which I believe to be the 11th Commandment) and can only change, cure and control ourselves then...that's what we have to do and that's what we each have to find our way to by ourselves. I don't (most of the time) want to change, cure or control any person on this message board (well, I am trying not to). Let it be what it will be let the sad cry let the angry vent let the happy cheer let the hurting hurt let the teachers teach let the crazies be crazy let the insane asylum we call life be just that and change ourselves
mary mary1	Re: The Poor Addict? LoraurA. I read somewhere about expectations. It said: Expectations are resentments in the making, or something to that effect.
Sfj	Re: The Poor Addict? To blindedfor2years I still have to differ. Recently we’ve seen celebrities blaming the substance. Mel Gibson blamed alcohol, Tom Foley did the same. To me that is a cop-out, and a denial of responsibility. That bottle of liquor did not call a cop some racist name or make a racial slur. Gibson did. The liquor bottle did not write lewd messages to Congressional pages. Foley did. Meth didn’t lie, cheat and steal. I did. I also chose to use meth. That was my behavior, which was my error, I own that. I am responsible for my behavior.
RIP	Re: The Poor Addict? I need to ask Sfj, Are you then saying that you are responsible for your addiction?
Sfj	Re: The Poor Addict? I'm responsible for a the choice I made - taking the drug. A combination of elements are "responsible" for my addiction. Addiction is a Biopsychosocial phenomena. Chemical dependency is more complex than a simple answer can provide but I'll try. I can't change my inherited genealogy. Nor can I change the past. The methamphetamine molecule has properties that I can't change also. Those all go into the first stanza of the serenity prayer. My responsibility is now in my recovery.
Naiev Newlywed	Re: The Poor Addict? *Quote:* and then Leslie replying that I may have made HIS situation worse. Did I say that....if I did - I didn't mean it to come across as you made HIS situation worse. That wasn't my point at all. My point was - he does feel pain and he does feel bad. It's like kicking somebody while they're down. Yeah - our addicts do it to us - it's their nature. They want to make us think that nothing bothers them - they have all the power - they have it good. So why do we have to sink to their level and 'dig' on them when they're down. You know they're down. You don't really think that it's all fun and games to them once they reach the point that they're scared to stop do you? I didn't mean for it to sound like your words made him use. His fear of feeling / dealing with pain made him use. Trust me - I know all too well the feeling of wanting him to feel just as much pain as I have. It's called revenge. They already know.
nine years clean	Re: The Poor Addict? Okay, so you would rather we treat you as "the poor loved one or family member"? I don't get the whole "poor" anyone viewpoint anyway. The addict is responsible for the quality of their life. The loved one or family member is responsible for the quality of their life. None of us has to view ourselves or each other as the "poor" anything. If I am an active addict and I am feeling sorry for myself, and I want others to feel sorry for me, but I am doing nothing to improve the quality of my life, then I have no one to blame but myself. Likewise, if I am the loved one or family member and I am feeling sorry for myself, and I want others to feel sorry for me, but I am doing nothing to improve the quality of my life, then I have no one to blame but myself. We are each responsible for the quality of our own lives, and we are responsible for setting the boundaries in our lives that we will not allow others to cross because if we do, we allow them to disturb the quality of our lives. Hope that makes sense.
RedHurt	Re: The Poor Addict? I completely understand this post and maybe this is where I was really coming from in my post (does the anger ever STOP), it is always my fault no matter what, no matter if he is clean or relapsed or what - any bad thing that happens is supposed to be my fault. Well, any person can only take so much ridicule or whatever you want to call it, without their own emotions coming through. Then it's all my fault again because I got mad and said some things that I shouldn't have !! It is a vicious cycle that just never seems to end.
vctry7	Re: The Poor Addict? The only people in these situations I feel sorry for are the POOR KIDS who can't do anything about it.
Naiev Newlywed	Re: The Poor Addict? Good post Lori. I agree....kind of. I do look at him as the 'poor addict' sometimes - because he could not stop. I really think as far in the hole as he was - he couldn't. He's told me 'it had a hold of me and it wouldn't let go'. I don't think I've ever considered myself the 'poor loved one'. I take responsibility for the things that happened to me - I let them happen. He chose to dope - I chose to stay and try to hang on despite the abuse. I wasn't chained there. He didn't have a gun to my head.
RIP	Re: The Poor Addict? I beg to differ, What is addiction: Addiction is a habitual response and a source of gratification or security. It is a way of coping with internal feelings and external pressures that provide the person with predictable gratification, but that has concomitant costs. Addictions to no matter what, follow certain common patterns. The single minded grasping of a magic-seeming object or involvement, the loss of control, perspective, and priorities- is not limited to drug and alcohol addictions. When a person becomes addicted , it is not to a chemical but to an experience. Anything that a person finds sufficiently consuming and that seems to remedy deficiencies in the persons life can serve as an addiction. Just a different perspective.