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What is 'judging'?  Is my sister is an addict for life?


the
serious
sister

What is "judging"? My sister is lost?
My sister has been a meth user for many years and drug user for many more. We were never really close as sisters go but lately she tells me that I "judge" her and cannot accept her for who she is. I am confused by this statement. If she means that i should accept that she is a drug addict, yes i know this is true, but no, i don't accept that it's who she is. She knows I know about her drug addiction and she defends it by saying she is hurting no one but herself. Everything that is going wrong in her life can be blamed on the meth use (my point of view) but her point of view is to blame everything else but NOT meth use. She is delusional, paranoid, unfocused (but she thinks meth helps her focus), non-functional, jobless, she can't get her act together anymore. I tell her that I love her, she is welcome in my house but not if she is using. She says I am judging her. I don't want to shut her out but I am at a loss as to what I should accept and not accept. I do not want to condone her drug use, it will eventually kill her but she doesn't want to hear the downside of the meth facts. Her teeth are starting to rot; she says it's because of poor dental care, not meth use of course. She has a roomie who supports her so they are not broke yet. I hear that meth addicts won't get help until they hit bottom and that could be a long way off for these two. IS there anything I can do to encourage her to get help, something more than I've already done? I have never talked down to her, just telling her i know she is using and she is ruining her life. please help.
     Replies...
robinrue Re: What is "judging"? My sister is lost?
hi sister, well many of us in the same boat as you, i have a 20 year old daughter addicted to meth - refuses treatment. There are many people here to help you. The addicts make up every excuse in the world and also blame everyone in the world for their problems-but its never the meths' fault!! Sorry for your problems
chris
gonz
Re: What is "judging"? My sister is lost?
I mean this in the most sincere way.

My sister and I are in your same boat!!!
My sis too, says all those things your sister does.
The only difference is I, TOO, have had to deal with my addictions.
I had to let my sister go. Her addictions are something she'll have to face as I have with mine.
My sister knows she has a place to stay with me IF she is NOT using. That same goes for my dearest friends and my children. Why should I bend because she's my sister?? I shouldn't.

I know in my addiction, I wasn't ready to get clean until I'd had enough. Ask your sister has she had enough yet??
I tell my sister straight up that the alcohol and drugs are why this or that is happening and I continually remind her that I KNOW the person down deep in her and what she's giving the world isn't what she's meant to be.

Right now, she's mad at me about a monitor. She's stubborn, like myself. Each time she starts talking to me again, it'd be the same thing.

I wasn't ready to quit until I was ready to quit. I know helping her with loans and stuff she can sell isn't helping her. I know providing her a place to get high won't help either. I pray she'll get her life together and NOT end up a casualty of addictions.

Truth is... I can't let her wear me down. If she wants to live the drug life, I can't pull her out of it. I can tell her about it, like I've done. I can share my experiences, like I've done. I can pray the very best to her and continue to send her positive energy. I can't walk her path for her though... I'd like to pull her through it, but that's against the law 
no more
mething
around
Re: What is "judging"? My sister is lost?
Ah, yes, the guilt trip.

You are not enabling her, you are not giving her the roof and 3 squares so that makes you a "judger".
How dare you ask her to be not on drugs to come stay with you! How DARE you !
How dare you ask her to put it down and lift herself up with your help?
I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but she will be lost unless and until she wants to find herself.
You can't help her yet and tell her she's judging YOU with her attitude.
Right back at her with that BS.

Have you read some of the material here yet? It will give you some insight as to where she is coming from and how normal and proactive your thinking is.

The addicts will guilt their way into your soul and use it against you.
Oh, and by the way, I'm an addict. My sister and my family were having none of my BS and it helped me. Sometimes doing nothing is doing the something that needs to be done. I came back, and they let me. But only IF I was doing what I needed to be doing. And I did it.

Keep coming back and read, read and read some more.
You, unfortunately, are not alone.
pepper
4308
Re: What is "judging"? My sister is lost?
I have a 22 yr old son hooked on meth. I've been coming here a couple of weeks and learned a ton. It's so hard to admit that my son would rather lie to me than not do drugs. He is manipulative, hateful, hurtful, angry, violent. I'm learning that enabling him (with money, food, gas, etc.) is only hurting him. The hardest thing I found to do was say no, but the first time I did it I felt better. It gets easier every time and I see through all the lies now. Him hitting rock bottom is going to be painful, for both of us, but I'm seeing that it's the only way. Hold your ground, do what's right for you. She will hit you with anything to hurt you and make you feel guilty. Don't buy it.
Loraura Re: What is "judging"? My sister is lost?
Your sister is saying that she doesn't like the fact that you express your disapproval for her drug use.

You see, when she is faced with the fact that other people feel she is making a mistake, it hurts. It's harder to convince herself that she's not making mistakes.
Indiana
shedevil
Re: What is "judging"? My sister is lost?
I was also labeled a "judger". I went to Al Anon and I was called out (IN A VERY LOVING WAY I WANT TO ADD).

When I learned about detachment I practiced it. H3ll, I perfected it!

Then I was not the "judger" anymore. He finally had no one to point the finger at anymore. He eventually had to take a good look within himself. He became his own judge.
SOS
1988
Re: What is "judging"? My sister is lost?
she complains about you judging her because she hates herself....

See also:

In an addicts mind - why do they feel I'm judging?


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