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Dear Meth


bookrat21 Dear Meth,
Dear Meth,
I F*&king hate you, and I don't even "know" you. I have never messed with you, but I have seen you at work. You love to taunt me... you think you are so freaking cool, hanging out with the one that I love. You can steal him at any time and you know it. You take him away from me and put thoughts in my head. "Who is he with? What is he doing? WHO is he doing? Where is he? Is he safe? Where did he get it? How? Why can't he just leave you alone?" And on, and on...
I hate that he loves to chase you. He catches you and you leave him wanting more. You satisfy him; yet he is never satisfied. You have a hold on him that I will never have and I am jealous of that. I am jealous because he loves something that is so repulsive to me. I hate you for all of these reasons and more.
You think I won't notice when he is with you. Well, I do. You think I won't care. Well, I do. You think it is not my business. Well, it is.
I notice when it is different. I notice when it seems he's hiding. I notice when people's names suddenly become "Nobody" and places suddenly become "Nowhere". Oh, yes, I notice. The looks, the touches, it's all different when he's been with you. How could I NOT notice?
I care. I care too freaking much. I care to the point of no return. I care what you do to him. I care what you to do my family. I care what you do to his body, the way you wrap yourself around him so tightly. I care that he loves you more than he loves me. I care what you do to me. How could I NOT care?
Anything that has such an effect on me IS my business. When you take hold of him, you are, in reality, taking hold on me. (I hate you for that!) So, it is my business where he is with you and what he does with you when he is supposed to be with me. It is my business because when he is with me, he is thinking of you. How could it NOT be my business?
Just know this. If I see you, I will crush you. I will do my d@mndest to keep you and everything and everyone that has anything to do with you from taking control of my life. I may not be able to keep you from controlling his, but I CAN and I WILL keep you from running and ruining mine. I hate that I have let you get this close to me.
Yes, I am sick of you. I may have lost some battles... but I WILL win the war.
     Replies...
Sfj Re: Dear Meth
I'm very sorry for your pain. The brutality of meth addiction is legend here among family members and addicts. This is a terrible disease, or if you don't like the Disease Model it is a terrible behavior, a maladaptive behavior and even a severe biopsychosocial malady.

Keep posting here, keep reading, and we will try to help you overcome the pain you feel.

Go ahead and vent. See what happens? we all try to support, encourage, inform, and make friends with each other.
justus
3girls
Re: Dear Meth
Wow that's exactly what I would say to meth also. You have a way with words. I feel your pain as every other wife and mother here does.

luve
piphany

Re: Dear Meth
bookrat, I am going to print your letter and put it on my bedroom wall for ALL to see and maybe even on my fencepost!

Please find yourself an AlANon or NarAnon family-they need you and you need them in fighting this war. Wars are won beginning within ourselves.

Also, you ought to send it to the Pres. Anonymously of course, with no fingerprints, hidden printer labels etc.

Please keep venting-if you don't, it will eat you alive all the way to the funny farm and then meth wins another battle.
bookrat21 Re: Dear Meth
Thanks to you all. I wish I would have found this place sooner. It is a great place to vent. I do HATE this drug, but I DO LOVE the man addicted to it. Call me codependent...but I do & I will. (That's how I feel today anyway.)
asmiles Re: Dear Meth
I think the same way but just don't seem to be able to put into words they way you did.
What do you all think if I printed and left on his dresser this letter.
Does anyone think it would make any difference to the meth addict if they saw it.

I just attended my first Al-Anon meeting, the only words I could get out was my name. The rest of the meeting I tried so hard not to cy but I was so overemotional feeling.
lax2 Re: Dear Meth
If there wasn't meth, would he be doing coke? Heroin? Crack? Alcohol? Just wondering...
amart
1279
Re: Dear Meth
Wow, you are amazing. Brought some emotions to the table that I wouldn't allow myself to feel...anger and hate. Can't grieve the loss of my husband without feeling these things first.
Loraura Re: Dear Meth
Quote:
I will do my d@mndest to keep you and everything and everyone that has anything to do with you from taking control of my life. I may not be able to keep you from controlling his, but I CAN and I WILL keep you from running and ruining mine.

I have a feeling that there is a list of exceptions here.

You'll do anything.... except remove yourself from the situation?

bookrat21 Re: Dear Meth
To an extent, you are correct. I do not want to remove myself. I think that everyone deserves second chances (and sometimes third & fourth). If users had no one to lean on, would any of them ever get better? But I am saying I will not be a victim to letting it run my life anymore. I can still do that, right? I think it is possible to keep him & try & be there for him. There WILL be restrictions (if you want to call them that). I'm new to this... guess I want the best of both worlds.

See also:

A letter to the all powerful Meth

How to help a Tweaker / Tweeker

Cat in the Sack meth poem

Being a Parent of a Meth Addict

Back to Crystal Meth & Methamphetamine Questions, Answers & Advice


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