He cheated, sexual abuse, please advise

pesquivel

He cheated, sexual abuse, please advise.

Hi all! Well when I left the last post (Need to understand the stages of recovery.) I was feeling much better about the situation. But now I'm not but I am. Its really confusing right now. My BF went back offshore Tuesday morning. Thursday I was off work and decided to go to his place, I'm in charge of his fish while he's away. Anyway I get there and was cleaning as well and he had some things that I needed to put away in his dresser. Well while there I noticed that condoms were missing. I felt sick. When he called I confronted him and he denied. I hung up on him. I called back and ask him to just explain why. I really wanted to understand what I did wrong? He then talked honestly with me and he found it hard to do. He told me that it wasn't personal. And for me not to think I did anything wrong I didn't he did. But that he thought I deserved an honest explanation. It took him a few minutes to get it out but then told me that he had be sexually abused from the age of 5 to 13. He said that although this is no excuse for his behavior and does not justify anything he knew that he had to be honest and come clean. He said that with all the feelings hitting him he was angry. He is going to counseling and this past week was his first session and having to talk about it really had him on edge. He told me that he had been hanging on by a thread. He said that as a meth user he had always used sex as a device. That it was a way to let out his anger (I'm thinking something along the lines of a grudge F***} Anyway he said that he could never be that way with me. I know this part is true cause he always ask if he's hurting me during. He keeps what's between us really special and pure. Does that make sense. Anyway he apparently wasn't very nice to this person. He said that he did his business then made her leave. I didn't ask for details but got the feeling that he was unconcerned if she was didn't receive any pleasure. He did say however that once done he told her to get dressed and leave. Not that it makes me feel any better about it. He didn't ask me to forgive him. I kind of feel like he is in a self destruct mode. He said that he was wrong and that he really hates that he hurt me. That whatever I chose to do he would respect. I told him that I loved him and that I would really like to work through this but that there would be trust issues at this point. I asked if he would be willing to deal with that considering all that he is dealing with right now? He said yes he was. Although he thought that I deserved better than him. I told him that he is a good person and that he did deserve love too. The thing I look at right now is that he is trying to be honest. I respect that because I've had so many people lie to me. He could have lied, or twisted it to look like it was my fault. But he stood tall. Decided to face what he had coming to him. And what really got me is he put me first in this conversation. Most people would have begged cried pleaded or would have gotten angry and defensive. He was none of those. He told me that whatever I decide. That whatever I chose he wanted me to know that it was not personal. I never wanted to hurt you.
I told him that it made me feel like a fool. He said that I should never feel that way. He is worried about me handling this. He told me not to feel stuck with him. If at anytime I didn't think I could handle it I could leave him without any guilt. I didn't owe him a second chance. So do any of you have advice?
I'm really torn. I want to give him a second chance but I'm afraid that if it was that easy for him to do this then it would be easy for him to do again. I asked him if this is what I had to look forward to anytime he was having a really bad time? He said No. He said that he use to look for sex as a way to make him feel better. This time it did not. He felt worse. Especially knowing that he hurt me. I asked him if he had been doing this the entire time we've been together. He said that this was the first time. I know that the past week had been really tough on him. I told him that he needed to open up a bit more with me and try to stay honest. I really don't know how to approach this. I love him but I'm really hurt and scared of being hurt more. He said that he was trying to do all that's possible to get better.

Is this normal behavior considering the circumstances? Am I being gullible?

Replies...

luvepiphany

Re: He cheated, sexual abuse, please advise.

Pam, I'm sorry you are having to deal with the pain of this but it seems that you are very lucky to know the truth. With all the lying that goes on in a relationship with a meth addict, any truth is a blessing. Only you can decide how you feel and how you will proceed in the relationship. Personally, I think he sounds like he is really working on his addiction and that is awesome for him but leaves you out in the cold to work on yourself. That is awesome too. You are free to do anything you want, free to explore who you are. It doesn't sound like meth was the cause of his infidelity and that is something to think on. He obviously has a lot of things to deal with within himself and isn't available to be in a committed relationship. Be a friend to yourself and him. Keep on reading on codependency and love yourself A LOT! Take this time that he is at work to do some nice things for yourself, go out with friends, let them lift you up.

pesquivel

Re: He cheated, sexual abuse, please advise.

I guess what I'm most afraid of is that he is using all of this as an excuse. I told him if he was just looking for a way out then he didn't have to go through all the drastic measures. He could just say I'm done. He said that is wasn't like that. I just pray that he can make it though all of this. Anyway he told me that he was going to talk to his counselor about what happened. I know that he has already talked to his sponsor. He mentioned that he told his sponsor that he really hates that he hurt me in all of this. I don't know how his sponsor replied. Anyway. I just want to work through this but I know that each time he tells me that he doesn't feel like company, like he did this time, I am going to think the worse. This really sucks!

pesquivel

Re: He cheated, sexual abuse, please advise.

By the way he did mention that he didn't mind talking to me about things but he knew that he couldn't explain it well. That's why its easy to talk to his sponsor because he knows. Would it be unreasonable to ask if I could talk to his sponsor. I don't want to know their personal conversations but if he could explain general things to me then maybe I could understand it all better.

luvepiphany

Re: He cheated, sexual abuse, please advise.

Ohhhhh, I know the frustration of NOT KNOWING! You can get your own sponsor ya know? If he's in AA or NA, you can go to meetings too if you don't have AlAnon or NarAnon. You have touchy questions that your own sponsor could really help you with. You can always ask to talk to his sponsor, but his program really isn't your business (not to be rude-just real). You two could go to a counselor together. It looks like he has a good job and if you two could afford it that would be great.
Please try to do some nice things for yourself though-today. The stress from this is bound to make you sick if you don't head it off at the pass. Stress really does make us sick-don't forget.

pesquivel

Re: He cheated, sexual abuse, please advise.

I am so frustrated!!! I wouldn't have a problem going to counseling with him don't know how he would feel about it. Right now he is just trying to concentrate on him and he needs to. I think in a way I resent him pushing for this relationship. I tried to side step him for months. Now look. I guess I'm a bit angry, sick, hurt. He asked me not to think about all of this too hard. He said that if I do then I will let my mind come up with all kinds of crazy thoughts. He said just stick with the facts. He loves me. He is messed up but trying to get better. He is sorry that he hurt me. Won't do it again. Most of all that I didn't deserve the pain. That's he wants for us to be ok when he gets through the mess. He said take it at face value and not to analyze it. By the way I do over analyze everything.

jacksmom

Re: He cheated, sexual abuse, please advise.

No matter what has happened...infidelity is a CONSCIENCE CHOICE!

There are a LOT of STDs running rampant out there and condoms don't necessarily protect you...

Sorry...I'd be more concerned about my health than anything!

BentBut
NotBroken1

Re: He cheated, sexual abuse, please advise.

I'd like to know how old you are and how old your boyfriend is if that's okay?

Let me start by saying I personally feel no one is a hopeless case or lost cause. I base this on my faith in God and I'm not going to pull punches with you on my reason for having hope for meth addicts and those who love them.

How long has he been totally off meth and, if any, other drugs? Total clean time here?

Quote:
He then talked honestly with me and he found it hard to do. He told me that it wasn't personal. And for me not to think I did anything wrong I didn't he did. But that he thought I deserved an honest explanation.

His honesty is a plus here. Men in general have a harder time opening up than do women. Add in meth use and it becomes fifty times harder to be honest in the beginning and especially when asked a point blank question about missing condoms.

Quote:
It took him a few minutes to get it out but then told me that he had be sexually abused from the age of 5 to 13. He said that although this is no excuse for his behavior and does not justify anything he knew that he had to be honest and come clean. He said that with all the feelings hitting him he was angry.

Please read the topics over these couple of pages about sexual abuse being a factor in meth use. Understand him even speaking those words was quite difficult to do no matter how long he's been meth (& other substance) free. This is an area of his life that needs special professional counseling in addition to all the other issues going on. He has a perfect opportunity now to get some real good professional help and a chance at healing this trauma given attention (professional, personal) and time.

Quote:

He is going to counseling and this past week was his first session and having to talk about it really had him on edge. He told me that he had been hanging on by a thread. He said that as a meth user he had always used sex as a device. That it was a way to let out his anger (I'm thinking something along the lines of a grudge F***}

First meeting with his counselor-hard. Talking about past sexual abuse as a meth user-even harder still. Anger is only one emotion he's dealing with from past sexual abuse and hanging on by a thread is common in early stages of quitting meth for sure.

Quote:

Anyway he said that he could never be that way with me. I know this part is true cause he always ask if he's hurting me during. He keeps what's between us really special and pure. Does that make sense.

Some sense to me because of my basis of hope in the ability for a person to straighten out their life after meth. It's not my sense to make though. It's your sense to make and no one here can do that for you.

Loving someone who uses or is just quitting using meth causes everyone affected by the meth user/quitter to need professional counseling also. If you are not already seeing someone, be good to you and find a counselor of your own--not his, and someone you feel comfortable with as soon as you can.

Quote:
He didn't ask me to forgive him. I kind of feel like he is in a self destruct mode. He said that he was wrong and that he really hates that he hurt me. That whatever I chose to do he would respect. I told him that I loved him and that I would really like to work through this but that there would be trust issues at this point.

He can't forgive himself right now first off for using meth, being sexually abused, abusing other women, and all the things that go into life as a meth user. Whether he handles your trust issues right now is, no offense, is on another side of the scales here--your side and where you need a counselor too.

Quote:
I told him that he is a good person and that he did deserve love too. The thing I look at right now is that he is trying to be honest. I respect that because I've had so many people lie to me. He could have lied, or twisted it to look like it was my fault. But he stood tall. Decided to face what he had coming to him.

I applaud your feelings for him that allowed you to tell him something very important: he's a good person and he deserves love too. I think you mean it and since meth addicts have a horrible time with self-esteem for a multitude of reasons, you have given him some positive "food" that he needed. His self-esteem is still very precarious because of his past of being sexually abused and don't brush this part under the rug.

Understand also a meth addict lies, cheats, steals, and does some horrible, low-down things to chase that next bag. It's part of the use. Then when a user gets clean, a user remembers better the things done when using and that self-
esteem plummets again very low. This is a double-hard issue you need to look squarely at and be reasonable about all the issues going on between you.

Quote:
And what really got me is he put me first in this conversation. Most people would have begged cried pleaded or would have gotten angry and defensive. He was none of those. He told me that whatever I decide. That whatever I chose he wanted me to know that it was not personal. I never wanted to hurt you. I told him that it made me feel like a fool. He said that I should never feel that way. He is worried about me handling this. He told me not to feel stuck with him. If at anytime I didn't think I could handle it I could leave him without any guilt. I didn't owe him a second chance.

Quote:
So do any of you have advice?

I'm giving you bits and pieces now until I read your reply.

Quote:
I'm really torn. I want to give him a second chance but I'm afraid that if it was that easy for him to do this then it would be easy for him to do again. I asked him if this is what I had to look forward to anytime he was having a really bad time? He said No. He said that he use to look for sex as a way to make him feel better. This time it did not. He felt worse. Especially knowing that he hurt me. I asked him if he had been doing this the entire time we've been together. He said that this was the first time.

I can't stress highly enough how important it is for him to have a professional counselor in the arena of sexual abuse and substance abuse at this time. This is just my personal opinion.

Quote:
I know that the past week had been really tough on him. I told him that he needed to open up a bit more with me and try to stay honest. I really don't know how to approach this. I love him but I'm really hurt and scared of being hurt more. He said that he was trying to do all that's possible to get better.

Pam, getting the honesty from him you have gotten this far is fantastic. Pushing him to open up more to you at this point is going to quite possibly have the opposite effect. When he says: "hanging on by a thread", that thread is being stretched and pulled and tugged and exposed to all the elements. Hanging on when you get clean from meth is no small feat whatsoever. Baby steps. Little, bitty baby steps are needed here--much patience--trust--room for him to work on himself first and foremost before he goes back to meth use again. At the same time, you should be seeing a professional counselor of your own and not anticipating a rapid, pretty, easy recovery from meth use and sexual abuse from your boyfriend.

Quote:
Is this normal behavior considering the circumstances?

There is nothing normal about sexual abuse nor is there anything normal about meth use and getting into A. program of recovery, having a recovery plan, feeling secure in oneself after meth use for a while, feeling secure in oneself after admitting past sexual abuse to anyone and finding help in dealing with all these and many other things along the way.

NA is a good program. You can attend NA, AA, CMA, Celebrate Recovery or other 12 Step programs to get you prepared to be the best you to deal with whatever he goes through.

Quote:
I guess what I'm most afraid of is that he is using all of this as an excuse. I told him if he was just looking for a way out then he didn't have to go through all the drastic measures. He could just say I'm done. He said that is wasn't like that.

I'm sure someone could lie about past sexual abuse although for the life of me I can't grasp why they would. Pam, I think you have more fears than just is he using an excuse to quit seeing you. Please find a good counselor for you as soon as possible.

Quote:
I just pray that he can make it though all of this.

My prayer is that you both make it through what lies ahead. These roads are not easy Pam at all. This isn't a quick-fix situation. It's an entirely new manner of lifestyle, finding out who each of you are, how to overcome your fears and doubts about him and yourself, how to overcome his meth (and any other substance if there is any) use...that is 24 hour a day 7 day a week work (even for me believing in God as firmly as I do) and it's a lifestyle forever, how he heals his past sexual abuse is going to affect how he treats women from this point forward. You both are most definitely in my prayers.

Quote:
Anyway he told me that he was going to talk to his counselor about what happened. I know that he has already talked to his sponsor. He mentioned that he told his sponsor that he really hates that he hurt me in all of this. I don't know how his sponsor replied.

No offense, what he tells his NA sponsor stays with his sponsor. That's what's great about all the 12 Step programs and their confidentiality and anonymity. That's why it would benefit you to find a 12 Step program you feel comfortable with and attend and work the steps and get a sponsor for you, too.

Quote:

Anyway. I just want to work through this but I know that each time he tells me that he doesn't feel like company, like he did this time, I am going to think the worse. This really sucks!

I'm sorry Pam there are no quick-fixes here. Pray for him, support him, find your place of counseling and your place of step work also. Pray that by doing so, you can at the least be his friend through this whole process. I can't tell you how much he is going to need a real true friend he can count on....and some things you hear are going to hurt deeply (coming from the voice of one who's friend just quit meth also and is doing counseling and Celebrate Recovery 12 Step program). I wish it didn't suck for you. I'll keep you and him in my prayers.

Quote:
By the way he did mention that he didn't mind talking to me about things but he knew that he couldn't explain it well. That's why its easy to talk to his sponsor because he knows. Would it be unreasonable to ask if I could talk to his sponsor. I don't want to know their personal conversations but if he could explain general things to me then maybe I could understand it all better.

My fellow KCIer's can correct me if I'm wrong here, but the only time anonymity and confidentiality of 12 Step programs is broken is when someone threatens to injure themselves or others.

Quote:
I am so frustrated!!! I wouldn't have a problem going to counseling with him don't know how he would feel about it. Right now he is just trying to concentrate on him and he needs to.

Remember baby steps is the best I can offer here because yes, he does need to concentrate on him. At the same time, you need to concentrate on you.

Quote:
I think in a way I resent him pushing for this relationship. I tried to side step him for months. Now look. I guess I'm a bit angry, sick, hurt.

Quote:
He asked me not to think about all of this too hard. He said that if I do then I will let my mind come up with all kinds of crazy thoughts. He said just stick with the facts. He loves me. He is messed up but trying to get better. He is sorry that he hurt me. Won't do it again. Most of all that I didn't deserve the pain. That's he wants for us to be ok when he gets through the mess. He said take it at face value and not to analyze it. By the way I do over analyze everything.

Pam, my heart goes out to you both. I'll gladly keep you each in my prayers. If there is anything else I can answer for you, let me know. I've given you exactly what my heart and mind felt.

Welcome to KCI--a wonderful family to learn from and be a part of and give to when I have something to give. The people here are great and truly care about those who hurt! Learn all you can about meth and sexual abuse Pam. Lean on us when you need to also.
Please keep us updated?!

pesquivel

Re: He cheated, sexual abuse, please advise.

I'd like to know how old you are and how old your boyfriend is if that's okay?
I am 36 and he is 32.

How long has he been totally off meth and, if any, other drugs? Total clean time here Pam?
He was clean for 9 months when he started getting the out of control emotions. He relapsed for a week and has now been clean for another 9 months. He uses no drugs or alcohol.

I applaud your feelings for him that allowed you to tell him something very important: he's a good person and he deserves love too. I think you mean it and since meth addicts have a horrible time with self-esteem for a multitude of reasons, you have given him some positive "food" that he needed. His self-esteem is still very precarious because of his past of being sexually abused and don't brush this part under the rug.

He didn't say but I have a feeling based on past comments that it may have been his dad.

First meeting with his counselor-hard. Talking about past sexual abuse as a meth user-even harder still. Anger is only one emotion he's dealing with from past sexual abuse and hanging on by a thread is common in early stages of quitting meth for sure.

He told me that he intends to discuss what happened with his counselor next week when he gets home. I feel like he intends to invite me to sit in on a session. I don't have any meetings for nar anon or alanon. I'm nervous about going to a NA meeting. He lives 30 miles from me in a different town so we wouldn't cross paths. But not sure what to expect.

Pam, getting the honesty from him you have gotten this far is fantastic.

I know I really have a lot of respect for him. Just because of his honesty. I can't even count how many liars have been in my life and none of them have ever went through what my BF is. So I keep that close to heart.
We are both involved in church and helps. I know that he did call his pastor (thinking when this happened) Me mentioned to me that he was going to see him. So now I think it was probably because of what he did.

Pam, my heart goes out to you both. I'll gladly keep you each in my prayers. If there is anything else I can answer for you, let me know. I've given you exactly what my heart and mind felt.

Thank you we can use all the prayers that we can get. It really makes me feel much better just getting an honest opinion.

2fast2late

Re: He cheated, sexual abuse, please advise.

Hi there,
Can i ask you this?
1. How long have you two been together?
I've had so many people lie to me.
2. What if you never found out that day?
3. How long would this have gone on?

Quote:
I've had so many people lie to me.

Quote:
I told him that I loved him and that I would really like to work through this but that there would be trust issues at this point. I asked if he would be willing to deal with that considering all that he is dealing with right now? He said yes he

There are a lot of people that when they are caught in the act of doing some thing wrong, they give up and just admit it. No sense going on w/ the lie. Most the time they are glad you found out instead of them having to just tell you about the problem. Takes the load off them. Its almost playing martyr role (willing victim)

Look I'm not trying to be mean, or judgmental in anyway! so please don't get me wrong here. Its just when I read your post it really struck so many familiar nerves in my mind. And it wasn't good.

I've been married going 9yrs. With my husband a total of 13yrs total. I've been through so much with him. Same as he. (Not claiming being an angel here). But if you were to put it in a list believe me I have put up with way hella lot more than him, than he has with me.

Back to my point in all this. You remind me so much of me when we both had started with so much hope, faith in our love, each other. in him. And thinking that my love would cure all. I heard exact same thing from him over and over. Same words yours told you. The dope using would stop, the lies would stop etc. They never did, things got so worse that we ended up in this dangerous game of pay-back.

As it seemed to me. Things after years got meaner, words got worse. Till finally recently I found out that he had an affair on me. Today we are dealing with this. It isnt easy trust me. Its been the most worse thing in life I have ever had to deal with.

That song that was recently put out called "Murder" well that is exactly what an affair, infidelity, cheating is!!!
Not only that the domino affect it starts is unbelievable.

Yes its good you found out early, but do you want this kind of relationship? There seems to be already a lot of issues with this person, then to try to add having a relationship makes it even harder. Are you willing to go through all the bull it will take till he decides to change? Not to mention how many years it will take.
Life is uncertain as it its. Relationships are the most unstable things I have found, because you tend to trust some one else all in the name of LOVE.

I know everyone isn't perfect by far we all have issues in one way or another for one reason or another. But some are just more than one should expect another to deal with. KWIM

I just don't want you to end up being more hurt, confused and wasting many years on some one whom may or may not change.

Mind you this is just my opinion and the way I see it.

If you feel its worth it then go for it. But look deep inside yourself and ask yourself questions. I think you already know the answer or else you wouldn't be so confused with doubt.

Good luck on your decision, wish you happiness.

BentBut
NotBroken1

Re: He cheated, sexual abuse, please advise.

Pam,

I'm sorry it took me a while to get back to you. Thanks for answering my questions and bearing with my not knowing what to say in some spots.

Both of you are at good ages together, though I don't know that I read how long you two had been dating. It's for sure these two issues will grow one up faster than desired. This is where it matters how much strength you have and faith you have and use (IMO).

Quote:
I am 36 and he is 32.

Nothing but meth use is hopeful, as is his initial 9 months clean & his second 9 months clean--18 months minus a week. Those out of control emotions are normal Pam. Meth messes up our dopamine levels and it takes a good long length of time for them to replenish. Has he seen an MD to make sure he's otherwise healthy, including STD testing? It would be a good idea for both of you. He needs to be honest about his past (meth use & sex abuse) with the MD though: by law he's safe telling medical personnel--that's the only way they can treat him with the best of their ability.

Quote:
He was clean for 9 months when he started getting the out of control emotions. He relapsed for a week and has now been clean for another 9 months. He uses no drugs or alcohol.

As a former meth addict myself, Thank You for telling him he's worth being loved. Between meth use and sex abuse, you are going to be in for a long, but not impossible battle as he moves toward healing. First, it's his battle and secondly, it's your battle to share with him if you choose to. Do both of you a favor now and let intimacy sexually rest a bit. 12 Step programs are not easy work and counseling isn't either--each of you has a full-time "job" caring for yourselves individually first. This has the potential to build a stronger base between the two of you than you ever had before meth. It could also tear you apart. I'm being as honest as I know how to be with you.

Remember to find honestly positive things about him to say. Meth users know a lie a mile away. Does he have any family or friends nearby that he can lean on for some moral support? Do you have any family or friends nearby that you can lean on for moral support?

For you, helpful will be: a) standing strong in faith and prayer, b) learning all you can about meth addiction and sexual abuse and treatment options (mostly so you'll understand what treatment he chooses & also to support his choices), c) being in counseling yourself, d) attending one of the 12 Step programs and learning all you can while making some friends also, e) keep coming here if you like it for support/venting/learning.

Quote:
He didn't say but I have a feeling based on past comments that it may have been his dad.

I know it's hard! This is one time you're going to have to wait and let him offer answers no matter who did it unless you were there. Even the most well-intentioned question can be painful. I'm a rape-survivor going on 13 years now and some days it's still hard and I'm 42. Sometimes I can speak a good deal about my situation and with anyone and sometimes--concrete wall has to go up. It's odd I spoke about my being a survivor with a new friend tonight and it was simple even though my emotions got really raw (the good thing was without meth-talking felt good! I found out I'm stronger than I thought.)
up ^^^^ there anytime and ask me whatever. If I can talk about it, I will if it will help

Quote:

He told me that he intends to discuss what happened with his counselor next week when he gets home. I feel like he intends to invite me to sit in on a session.

For his sake and yours, I'm keeping you jointly in my prayers. His need for counseling is immense and goes a long way towards easier (if there is any easier) recovery from this form of abuse. Please don't take offense-don't invite yourself to any counseling sessions with him. Let him get out what he needs to first and get in what he needs to first. Just love and support him along the way in an honest manner without asking those questions I know I'd have if I were you. I hope he can feel your love for him as much as I do!!

Quote:
I don't have any meetings for nar anon or alanon. I'm nervous about going to a NA meeting. He lives 30 miles from me in a different town so we wouldn't cross paths. But not sure what to expect.

Honey, please don't wait! Every person here felt nervous their first (and sometimes many more times after) meetings at NA, AA, CMA, NarANON, AlANON, or Celebrate Recovery. We didn't know what to expect either. It's something you just have to have that extra bit of faith and do. You are going to need to be strong now for you first and him second. Just say and extra prayer and I'll be saying one with you!

Pam, getting the honesty from him you have gotten this far is fantastic. Keep remembering that every time you have a doubt.

Quote:

I know I really have a lot of respect for him. Just because of his honesty. I can't even count how many liars have been in my life and none of them have ever went through what my BF is. So I keep that close to heart.

Remember he is the only him and think of all the other things he brings good to your life. Jot them down. When he seems to need it, and when he doesn't, as long as your honest-thank him for who he is and what he adds to your days.

Quote:
We are both involved in church and helps. I know that he did call his pastor (thinking when this happened) Me mentioned to me that he was going to see him. So now I think it was probably because of what he did.

I'd hang on to every bit of faith I have right now too. it won't be useless. Prayer can move mountains! Again, this is his visit unless he asks you. I know it hurts so bad you want to go too--patience and gentleness and understanding are best here. I'm happy you both have hope, faith and prayers to hold on to and use.

Quote:
Thank you we can use all the prayers that we can get. It really makes me feel much better just getting an honest opinion.

Something tells me if I were in your shoes, you'd be praying for me and writing me too. It's my joy to pray with you and hopefully have helped in some way. Laugh if it will make you feel good Pam, it's ok. I'm a Mom to four furry poodle kids. I haven't any "real" Mom experience per se but I wish I could just hold you in my arms and tell you this was all going to end up how you want it to. I can't. You'll have to let God give each of you His best here.

My heart, love, and prayers are with you both Pam. Please keep in touch and let me know how things are going as often as you can?

pesquivel

Re: He cheated, sexual abuse, please advise.

2fast2late
1. How long have you two been together?
We started talking in Feb 2006 and started dating June 2006

2. What if you never found out that day?
Then I think he would have told me anyway. I believe it would have taken a bit but I'm sure he would have come clean.

3. How long would this have gone on?
I'm pretty sure it was a one time thing. I don't think that he intended it to be otherwise. But I could be wrong. You are asking the very questions that I have been asking myself.

There are a lot of people that when they are caught in the act of doing some thing wrong, they give up and just admit it. No sense going on w/ the lie. Most the time they are glad you found out instead of them having to just tell you about the problem. Takes the load off them. Its almost playing martyr role (willing victim)

This could be. I've thought about that as well. You mentioned about your hubby, Well here's the thing. I was with my ex for 13 years as well. We have 2 beautiful boys, ages 8 and 9. Last year I kicked him out because I found out he was cheating with the neighbor's daughter. 20 years difference in age. He lied and even sent me to the doctor stating that he thought my hormones were out of control. lol Can you believe it. His lies and deceit persisted for almost a year. He is now with this girl. He still lies about things when he now owes me no explanation. I don't even care anymore. And every guy I have ever dated has done the same thing. Am I jinxed??? LOL

If you feel its worth it then go for it. But look deep inside yourself and ask yourself questions. I think you already know the answer or else you wouldn't be so confused with doubt

I am trying to do just that. Parts of me want to run far and fast. Another part of me wants to just get through this and pray for the best.

pesquivel

Re: He cheated, sexual abuse, please advise.

He needs to be honest about his past (meth use & sex abuse) with the MD though: by law he's safe telling medical personnel--that's the only way they can treat him with the best of their ability.

I believe he has been about his past. He has told me LOTS about things that took place. I'm not going to lie I was disturbed about some of it. But I can't hold anyone's past against them. I really just wanted to cry for him.

Remember to find honestly positive things about him to say. Meth users know a lie a mile away. Does he have any family or friends nearby that he can lean on for some moral support? Do you have any family or friends nearby that you can lean on for moral support?

Yes I think he has a very good support group from family and friends. But only select few know it all. Sponsor/Counselor
As for me I do have a friend that tries to help but we are so close that she feels what I'm feeling. To the point that when I found out. She sit and cried with me. She got pissed with me. Then she found forgiveness with me.

Remember he is the only *him* and think of all the other things he brings good to your life.

Well this is the thing. In the last month with him going through this I haven't really seen any joy. I have been hanging on to what we had before this. Trying to be patient and wait for him to re-emerge. I noticed on the phone yesterday that he was seeming more like himself. I think the meds are kicking in. I hope so because honestly, I really don't know how much longer I can hang on. He really put some distance between us even before this cheating thing happened. Mostly because he didn't want to talk and I wanted to so I could understand what was happening. So he started keeping to himself more.
Anyway thank you for being so encouraging.

2fast2late

Re: He cheated, sexual abuse, please advise.

Hi Pam,
No problem sweetie, I know how hard this can be, since I just went through it. I have no new answers, no cures. I wish I did. Do I hate men a little more than I did before? YES MAM, I took this so hard and some times more than I ought to I look back on all the bad stuffs and it makes me wonder why I wasted 9 yrs. for what seems like nothing now. Only because he made it that way. I just don't want you to waist your time with a person that will continue to hurt you. But then if we could just see into the future it would be pretty cool some times. Then we would avoid so many things that change our life's and not for the good. KWIM. I wish you the best and will be looking forward to talking with you and seeing your post.