How do I deal with a controlling mother of an addict?

Juliett55

How to deal with controlling mother of an addict?

SO, now that my addict is turning himself in to the rehab, he is going to tell his Mom.

She had no Idea about his addiction for years. She is very controlling, reminds me of Miranda in "Devil wears Prada", kind of big at her job. But I love her, she has a soft site too. She is more spiritual and a little more understanding after her husband passed away 6 month ago.

SO he is going to tell her. My question is: How do I deal with her? I have tons of information I can give her to read, I don't think she will go to AlAnon, but who knows.

Just how does one deal with a controlling Mother of a beloved addict? She is almost like a mother to me too, and it scares me to death.

Replies...

Loraura

Re: How to deal with controlling mother of an addict?

Well, you'll have to deal with things as they come up.

What kind of things do you expect her to do?

Juliett55

Re: How to deal with controlling mother

She could get on him, because he makes her look bad. Years ago he wanted to a psychologist for depression, but she told him that it's a weakness. He still can't forget that.
She told him, when he had a little drug problem as a teen, that going to a mandatory parent meeting for addiction is taking her away from her job. He relapsed 18 years later after toughing it out, but things and images stay with you for long.
She will be furious that I know and she doesn't.
She still thinks that mental disorders are made up and one just needs to knock it off.

Stuff like that.

kmb2006

Re: How to deal with controlling mother

I haven't had to deal with a controlling mother, but I have had to deal with a father in deep, deep denial.

The only thing you can do for/about her is to give her information. What she does or doesn't do with it is up to her.

Quote:
She could get on him, because he makes her look bad. Years ago he wanted to a psychologist for depression, but she told him that it's a weakness. He still can't forget that.

He will learn to get past that as part of his recovery. He is not a reflection of her. He can learn to understand that even if she doesn't. Her embarrassment is her own.

Quote:
She told him, when he had a little drug problem as a teen, that going to a mandatory parent meeting for addiction is taking her away from her job. He relapsed 18 years later after toughing it out, but things and images stay with you for long.

He can recover with or without her support. As an adult, there are no mandatory parent meetings. Again, he will learn how to deal with his resentments against his mother as part of his recovery.

Quote:
She will be furious that I know and she doesn't.

That's her problem, not yours or his. If she rails against you or him, either of you can choose not to listen.

Quote:
She still thinks that mental disorders are made up and one just needs to knock it off.

Again, her problem, no one else's. He can recover regardless of what she thinks. It's what he thinks and knows that matters.

Basically, there's nothing you can do for her except pass on the knowledge you've gained in your own research.

Loraura

Re: How to deal with controlling mother

Come to the reality that she will be pissed.
Accept the fact that she's mean and controlling and expect nothing different. Then, ignore it. Go on with your lives.
You can't change her.

I suggest you give her as little of your time and attention as necessary. You have bigger concerns right now than someone with their panties in a wad!

chrisgonz

Re: How to deal with controlling mother

My mom has that mentality.. that treatment is a sign of weakness.
I don't know where you live, but even in my small town... that kind of thinking is frowned upon now.

The mind is a part of the body.
Why wouldn't you treat it when it's not 'working' right.
Like your arm... would you not have it looked at if it hurt?

Do what's best for you.

cuzicare

Re: How to deal with controlling mother

Ahhh - got a chuckle from that Loraura! You are absolutely right.

There is some really good advice posted on how to handle this.

Juliett55

Re: How to deal with controlling mother

Thank you guys,
very clearly put.
I'm printing this one out. I'll read this when I'm scared and if she, once again, tries to steal my confidence.