book
rat21 |
Hate to love him or love
to hate him?
Why
can't I decide what the correct way to say that is? His
addiction is wearing me out. I can't handle wondering, worrying,
waiting to see when the other shoe will drop (so to speak). I
get to where I hate myself for loving him & yet I know that it
is pointless to do that. I will always love him. Then I think,
being the codependent that I am, maybe I just love to hate him.
Either way, I am getting to the breaking point. Do I have to hit
rock bottom too?
Last night (when he came home after using & continued to use
throughout the night) was my perfect chance to tell him to
either get off it or get out. Did I? No. He even asked me if I
was "irritated" & if I had "anything to say." But rock the boat?
Me? Are you kidding? I would rather sit around and let him take
advantage of me I guess. I would rather let him compromise my
values. I would rather let him make me feel guilty. I would
rather take the blame for him being a dopehead. I would
rather...What is freaking WRONG WITH ME?
I hate myself for loving him and I would hate myself for leaving
him. Why can't I stop hating? |
| Replies... |
silly
veronica |
Re: Hate to love him or
love to hate him?
Quote:
I would rather sit around and let him
take advantage of me I guess. I would rather let him
compromise my values. I would rather let him make me feel
guilty. I would rather take the blame for him being a
dopehead.
You're right ... all of those things are
on YOU - YOU control your actions and how you react to him. So
it's up to YOU to decide if that's really the life you want to
live for yourself, or what your other options are.
I'm codependent too, have come a long way in the last year.
Start figuring yourself out, what has led you to be comfortable
in a relationship like this and put the focus back on YOU.
You already know you can't change him - you can't force him into
recovery. So all the energy you spend getting angry and upset at
him is worthless (I know, I used to expend that energy as well).
Have you read any codependent books? That was the starting place
for me ... that and understanding that you have to let go of his
addiction - you have absolutely no control over it. |
katelin
24 |
Re: Hate to love him or
love to hate him?
I would think you wouldn't want to give him any kind of
ultimatums when he is using. I think you made the right choice
on that part of it.
There's so much I need to say to my hubby and I just don't have
the guts. I understand exactly how you feel. |
nine
years
clean |
Re: Hate to love him or
love to hate him?
Quote:
Why can't I stop hating?
You can. It is a choice.
Once you make the conscious decision to learn to LOVE yourself,
you will begin to stop hating.
Nothing changes IF nothing changes.
Too simple? I know. But true, oh-so-true! |
book
rat21 |
Re: Hate to love him or
love to hate him?
Katelin24 - It is good to know I am not the only one going
through this. I think we could be really good friends... too bad
our situations suck. (I guess because we let them suck.) If you
ever need someone to vent on or cry to, feel free to unload on
me. We can compare notes. Thanks. |
katelin
24 |
Re: Hate to love him or
love to hate him?
lol- I think I pretty much unload on everyone here these days.
However, I can always use friends! |
silly
veronica |
Re: Hate to love him or
love to hate him?
Quote:
It is good to know I am not the only
one going through this.
I've been there too ... I just choose to not
be there anymore. I value myself and my children too much to put
up with the constant BS that comes along with loving an active
addict. Now ... if he's trying to get help, that's totally
different.
Try to find the balance ... take care of yourself, learn about
codependency, and see where that road takes you. Once I started
on that road (and it's long and hard ... still not finished),
you'll realize things about yourself you never knew ... and you
may be surprised at how strong you become and how that "love of
a lifetime" "soul mates forever" isn't what you believed it to
be (speaking from my own experiences). |
luve
piphany |
Re: Hate to love him or
love to hate him?
If you continue to let him use at home with your kids and being
a teacher....you are playing with fire. Please don't wait to set
some boundaries-a fair one that even he should be able to
understand is-NO DOPE AT HOME. Please protect yourself from his
illegal activity and know that there is a lot of illegal
activities that go on along with meth use. |
book
rat21 |
Re: Hate to love him or
love to hate him?
He's not trying to get help at the moment. That's my biggest
thing. I have said to him so many times... "You could at least
TRY!" He is actually the one who suggested I come online &
research addicts & addiction because I couldn't understand why
it would be so hard to just STOP. Little did I know I needed so
much help myself.... |
Jamie
J1979 |
Re: Hate to love him or
love to hate him?
You cannot make someone stop using but you can make them respect
your home if you are willing to stick to your guns. For instance
I told my addict that he wouldn't be allowed to live with me if
he used drugs in my house or came around high. He violated that
rule and I kicked him out. He is living on the streets of
Seattle and comes over when he's not high to visit and sometimes
spend the night. I cannot have a using addict living with me
because I'm a recovering addict and I'm pregnant with our son,
my first child. I refuse to have a using addict anywhere near my
child. Drugs make people totally unpredictable and I refuse to
endanger my child by letting a addict be around my son. You need
to stop letting him come around you house if he is still using,
a using addict can be a ticking time bomb. Plus how can you
expect to instill values like don't do drugs with you children
when you yourself are allowing a using addict to be around them.
Kids are smart, they know! |
book
rat21 |
Re: Hate to love him or
love to hate him?
I hate to say it, but I continue to let him stay at home because
I think (thought) I can (could) fix him. I know it is lame & I
am learning that I can't, but I still have the feelings of "What
would he do without me?" I have to get over that though & i am
working on it. I am a work in progress! |
Jamie
J1979 |
Re: Hate to love him or
love to hate him?
Letting him stay there is NOT helping him. I know it's hard for
you to see that right now, so please get the book Codependent No
More as it will help you like nothing else can. It can help you
learn the difference between enabling and true help. By letting
him stay there he is not having to face up to his addiction.
Unless he experiences negative consequences he will continue to
use, people rarely stop using unless they have a reason to. If
things keep working out for them they feel that their use isn't
a problem so why quit? Losing his place to stay is a start as
far as him having to face up what drugs are doing to his life.
Things like losing your place to stay as a direct result of
using drugs really shows the addict what they must sacrifice in
order to keep using. When things become bad enough they become
willing to make changes. Sometimes losing everything still
doesn't make them stop because the drug is so worth it to them.
For some it takes time for the addict to reach the point where
life has gotten so bad that enough is enough. The point is he
may get clean and he may not but you letting him live in your
home is definitely not helping him reach the point where he
wants to stop using. If anything it's enabling to continue using
another day and another day and so on. You need to worry about
yourself and your kids, he's a adult that's a addict but that
doesn't mean he's not capable of caring for himself. My guy
claims he can't take care of himself and he needs help making
important phone calls and setting and keeping appointments.
Truth is he wants me to be his personal secretary to he doesn't
have to be responsible should something go wrong like he miss a
important appointment or something. He is capable of doing these
things but he just wants someone to take care of him. Hell I
wish I had someone to attend to all my affairs so I didn't have
to worry about anything important. Especially when using it
would've been nice to have someone taking care of everything
like grocery shopping, paying rent and car payments, gas, cigs,
utility bills, and so on. Yes being a grown up can be stressful
but we deal with it. It's called life. My addict wants to run
away from responsibility and just get high to avoid reality.
Many addicts do this, I know I did. Thing is when you come down
all the responsibilities are still there and they have turned
into problems from not dealing with them. My addict could get an
apartment and live on his own but he chooses the street because
he gets overwhelmed and rather be homeless and high. He had it
alright living with me but he chose to continue to use in my
home or come home high and that is just not cool. It was
difficult at first. I would lay in bed thinking about him being
outside in the weather at night but then I realized he chose to
live that way. He didn't have to do drugs in my home or come
home high. He could've stayed away when high and not put it
right in my face but he didn't. My sobriety and my unborn son
are far to important to me to allow him to use drugs in my
presence. Setting boundaries is a hard thing to do at first but
when you stick to them you feel really good and it helps build
your confidence. After being apart from him I started to realize
I was more used to him being around and not being alone than
anything else. I wasn't madly in love with him anymore. I was
just used to him being around and I got used to it so the though
of being alone was scary. It takes some getting used to but it's
so much better to be on your own vs. comprising your morals and
values for a man that doesn't respect you enough to not use
drugs in your home. So read the book and get tough, you're not
helping him but you are hurting yourself and your kids. Think of
them, they need your nurturing and support. He's a grown man
that needs to face up to his addiction. |
Frenchy
|
Re: Hate to love him or
love to hate him?
I am a young adult. My ex is an addict. But,
he feels like he is a part-time user who has everything under
control. He is killing me. We have broken up many
times...but, have never been apart for too long. He has
done many nasty things to me...but, I can not break away.
I love him w/my whole heart...and pray for his soul more than my
own.
I am not on anything and thus, I feel like I can not understand
the hold that this drug has on him. I pity him more than I
hate him. He's such a great guy when he's not wired in
this @#%$...WHY OH WHY can't he get his @#%$ 2gether.- |
