KCI The Anti_Meth Site

Should meth addicts marry with less than 2 years clean time?

sdm sanjose	Should meth addicts marry with less than 2 years clean time? Amber is almost 3 years clean from meth and married the man who introduced her to the needle. He is over a year clean now. What do you all think, should addicts marry with less than two years clean time?
Replies...
jacks mom	Re: Should meth addicts marry with less than 2 years clean time? I'd say it depends on 'where they're at' in two years.
Spase monkey	Re: Should meth addicts marry with less than 2 years clean time? I don't know.. There're a lot of people who shouldn't get married who never touched dope.. But then I supposed that's just dodging your question.. I agree with Jack's mom some. If they're both really committed to staying clean I don't see a problem.. it's only when one of them is only doing it for the other or something like that when I see real issues. If they both agree on what program they're working I think it's great.. Just my thoughts.. Though I admit.. I really don't like the idea of relationships even with people, but those are my personal issues.
lax2	Re: Should meth addicts marry with less than 2 years clean time? Spase, I don't know know why but I think someday you are going to make someone an excellent dad... And I think there will come a time when you know it is right for you, you will find someone who you won't want to live without. Give it time. I think under 30 is a great time to be single, hanging loose, not in a rush to get in a committed relationship. Some day when you aren't looking and perhaps you least expect it, ... lets just say things "happen". In the meantime just live each day, and enjoy getting there. TTFN'' Hope you are doing good, It was sure great to meet ya... Thanks again 4 being there.
Sfj	Re: Should meth addicts marry with less than 2 years clean time? A general rule in most recovery programs is to wait a year before dating. After that, I think that the principles of life, love and marriage apply equally to all of us. There are no guarantees with anyone. What needs to be considered are the norms, the odds, and the individual circumstances. I could tell my daughter that sex is a wonderful thing, as long as she waits until she is 63. But just how well do you think would go over? Consider the point of diminishing returns. Sometimes - good intentions backfire.
RIP	Re: Should meth addicts marry with less than 2 years clean time? Sfj, you said , most recovery programs is to wait a year before dating. this is no recovery program, this is 12 step propaganda! I was involved in a therapeutic community model, where dating was encouraged. We were taught to date and find out all we could about how the opposite sex thinks and feels. the one thing our counselor told us was that you are allowed to have sex in the first year, but in the second year you can have it with someone else! I was married at 8 months clean and my wife was 2 months clean. As of this writing I will be taking 6 years clean on December 12, 2006 and she will be 6 years clean next year. So it can happen and everyone's situation is different.
Sfj	Re: Should meth addicts marry with less than 2 years clean time? The rehabs I went to, including S.T.O.P. in San Francisco, and the Veteran's Hospital and the place I'm working, Haight Ashbury Free Medical Clinics, and One of the places I interviewed at. Walden House, all agree in principle, "No dating the first year of recovery." Are you sure that the place you speak of, is the rule rather than the exception? Maybe we could ask the forum at large? What have you been told in treatment regarding dating in the first year? I could be wrong, but quite frankly RIP, your post is the first I ever heard of dating being encouraged in early recovery.
Spase monkey	Re: Should meth addicts marry with less than 2 years clean time? Well... How many people date and don't have sex? I don't know... especially among addicts this doesn't seem to be the norm.. so if they were advocating celibacy were they really advocating dating RIP? Or just getting to know people.. Maybe I'm misunderstanding.
Indiana shedevil	Re: Should meth addicts marry with less than 2 years clean time? I have seen some pretty messed up "relationships" with people "dating" early in their recovery. My observations... 1) Some focus all their time and effort onto each other and lose touch with their own recovery. 2) Some revert to their old ways... Their pre-recovery behaviors. 3) Some resorted to lying to their S.O to impress them. 4) Some get even more selfish and self-absorbed. 5) Some will start to work on their S.O's moral inventory & character defects and abandon working on their own. 6) Can we say co-dependency?! I've even adapted the first year rule for myself over here on the other side of the fence. I will not pursue dating until I have enough recovery time under my belt. I surely don't want to resort to "relapsing" into my old thinking & behavior mode that I was in pre-recovery... JMO...
lax2	Re: Should meth addicts marry with less than 2 years clean time? I think there are SEVERAL REASONS FOR THE 1 YEAR WAIT.... ------ First things First ; 1st job and priority in the 1st year is to stay clean... and not complicate your life with other commitments, which leads us to... ------ Keep it Simple (Stupid) KISS--- It cant hurt to keep things as simple as possible... ------ People who get clean need to adjust to their new way of life, they change in many ways, their priorities and ways. What seems logical at 2 months clean, is often not the way you think after you've been clean a year or longer... ------ From the people and meetings I've encountered, SEX is more accepted in early recovery than getting emotionally attached/INVOLVED, having relationships... ------ The pain of a break up in early recovery will only complicate the quest to stay clean, and could in fact increase the likelihood of relapsing... ------- I would guess the likelihood would be magnified and multiplied if the relationship is with another addict, especially a newly clean one or one in active addiction...
Penel0pe	Re: Should meth addicts marry with less than 2 years clean time? I don't get to have an opinion I guess - My hubby and I used together, and we recover together. I have heard it said that the first year of recovery is probably best spent focusing on RECOVERY, and we all know how distracting a new relationship can be. RIP - I thought you said you did 12 step for your first year of recovery? Didn't you get a cake and a chip? I'm sure you said that at some point around here. I know that my first year of recovery was best spent on ME, and hubby had to focus on HIMSELF as far as staying clean was concerned. I don't tell him what to do, and he doesn't tell me what to do in regard to where we are in recovery. I'm working the steps a second time, and he is still on his second step but hey, guess what, we're both clean!
RIP	Re: Should meth addicts marry with less than 2 years clean time? Yes Pen I did 12 step for the first year in a therapeutic community model. They actually had a little different twist from the norm. Living life on life terms means learning to love and be loved and what a better time than when you are in a recovery bubble to share and get feedback on uncomfortable circumstances. My wife and I worked on our recovery our own way and we still do now. i am so lucky I DID not listen to the no dating for one year for I would not of found my soul mate.
lax2	Re: Should meth addicts marry with less than 2 years clean time? FWIW... I was already with my partner of 10 years at the time I got clean, He had never used... Had I been single, knowing me, I would have dated if the opportunity arose I imagine... If I met someone during this time I considered a potential soul mate I am sure I would have explored it... I can't believe I am sitting here having been with my partner over 15 years. As much as I tried and failed to find and/or keep a relationship going in my 20s, I finally accepted the unlikelihood my finding a suitable companion who could also live with me and vice versa, and Had stopped looking. Next thing you know I am eating dinner, watching dinner and staying over at someone's house night after night. I had recently quit meth (two months earlier!!!) when we met in 1991. So I guess I did the same thing, now that I think of it... Never realized this till now... Enjoy every day cuz 15 years are GONE like THAT...(Snap fingers)!!! I know, I'm corny!
sdm sanjose	Re: Should meth addicts marry with less than 2 years clean time? *Quote:* SFJ I could tell my daughter that sex is a wonderful thing, as long as she waits until she is 63. But just how well do you think would go over? That was a good one J!! If I had to wait until I was 63?.. I would EXPLODE!!! *Quote:* b]Indianashedevil[/b] 5) Some will start to work on their S.O's moral inventory & character defects and abandon working on their own. Very good Indiana, that could also be applied to us normies?. That is so interesting to me because my hero said Why do look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?? *Quote:* Lax First things First ; 1st job and priority in the 1st year is to stay clean... and not complicate your life with other commitments, which leads us to... ------ Keep it Simple (Stupid) KISS--- It can't hurt to keep things as simple as possible... RIGHT ON LAX, great response!! *Quote:* Penelope I don't get to have an opinion I guess - My hubby and I used together, and we recover together. Pen, I would have been disappointed if you had not given your opinion. As a matter of fact I was discussing you and Paul when I decided to post this thread. My wife asked me if recovering addicts like Amber and her husband should get together so soon. I said the first thing that popped into my mind. I said ?well Pen and her hubby got clean together and are still together and are making progress? I then decided to post this thread. Pen, you sweet old silly buzzard you, you know I want your opinion on every thread I post. In this situation you have more than an opinion you have verifiable proof that there are exceptions to the rule and your life proofs that!! Three cheers for Paul and Pen (Paul and Pen, sounds like a singing group in the 1960s) hip hip hurrah, hip hip hurrah, hip hip hurrah!!!
Indiana shedevil	Re: Should meth addicts marry with less than 2 years clean time? *Quote:* Very good Indiana, that could also be applied to us normies?. Especially to us normies... God forbid if I ever take the mistrust, doubts, my low-self esteem and that God awful codependency to a new relationship... Now do you see why I won't get involved in a new relationship until I am further along in my OWN recovery?! Geez... I just wish that I could make my "normal" friends understand this so they'll not throw me to the wolves...
BentBut Not Broken	Re: Should meth addicts marry with less than 2 years clean time? I personally did not have sex while using meth/ice with any man, however, I did make sure I gave myself my own release. When I do date, I start slowly--sex comes at a farther out time especially since my failed marriage. Marc called today asking how I was and just good talk. I let the call last about 10 minutes in the good talk manner and had to stop talking. He asked if I was okay from the silence. I admitted to him that no, I'm not okay right now Marc..... ....my sleep is disturbed with nightmares ....whatever good food I eat makes me feel sick, ugh ....I am flooded with sooooo many feelings now, good and bad ....I'm not good for you at this moment in time because--- :sigh: Whether it was sober as a judge and normal life things hit or during the coke/recovery years ago or after the hurt of my failed marriage.......the pain I had when I didn't get the great counseling I have now....is just like it was then, meaning for me, I'd rather go get a f* buddy and get crazy when I'm vulnerable like this cos the sex is such a release!!!!!! I asked Marc to please understand, let me breathe for a bit and I'll call him when I am more comfortable after more therapy. I told him please don't wait...live your life, date. I don't know how long I need yet. I also went to another EA meeting this afternoon and I'm glad I found them. I'm glad I have 4 scheduled meetings with my counselor this week, too. Celebrate Recovery starts next weekend. Honesty sucks at times, but I felt better for telling him go on and live and enjoy than holding him back.
sdm sanjose	Re: Should meth addicts marry with less than 2 years clean time? *Quote:* DEE I asked Marc to please understand, let me breathe for a bit and I'll call him when I am more comfortable after more therapy. I told him please don't wait...live your life, date. I don't know how long I need yet. You sound like a smart woman Dee! Seems like you are doing what LAX posted. We are all pulling for you my dear.