|
What does an addict feel when they hurt
someone?
Just
Ronda |
What does an addict feel when they hurt
someone?
I would like to see some insight
on this: when an addict is using, how do you feel about the pain
you cause AT THE TIME YOU CAUSE IT? Not how you felt about it
later, but AT THAT VERY MOMENT? I know you all say it was 'all
about me, me, me' but what I mean is: were you even aware of it
at the time? did you remember your day to day actions? from one
day to the next? when you did something hurtful, did you even
notice the pain in the other person's eyes? if you resorted to
violence, were you aware of it at the time? how did you feel
about it at? I hope I am making myself clear with these
questions. An addict's personality changes to such a frightening
extent and I would really like to see some deep and insightful
answers to these questions, if it's not too much to ask? |
Replies... |
forget
suzette |
Re: What does an addict feel when they hurt
someone?
It's exactly as if you
were playing football.
....you got the ball, and you are going to score. it's a
blur to the goal line. ........then the touchdown dance.
you are the greatest! .....go team!
........you turn around, and the other teams players are being
carried out because you busted em up. |
forget
suzette |
Re: What does an addict feel when they hurt
someone?
on speed things are in
fast forward......in Japanese.
when you come down ......they're in English at the right speed.
you can't see over it, you are self absorbed, and thoughts
race, and you predict what people are saying before they can say
it.
you're sending but not receiving.
...I want to say like a genius....but I don't mean we were
smart...
....many a useless but elaborate mechanical device was born on
speed.
....you have all these "brilliant" ideas....that are like an
elaborate production...like the stones.
and the people in the background that you can't quite define
because of the lights and pyrotechnics is everything else.
I stored everything......it translated itself later. it
took a whole year till I really knew what happened. I had
the memories......but until I un wound em...they never clicked.
understand? |
guest
who |
Re: What does an addict feel when they hurt
someone?
Maybe I am an empathetic freak but drunk, drugged or delusional,
I always saw and always will see the pain in other peoples eyes.
I believe that is why I am not as patient as most with
codependent mates waiting for their addicts to suddenly become
fine outstanding citizens. I don’t believe when someone stops
using drugs that they are going to be good people. I know I
never stopped being what I consider a good person. Sure I have
my faults but I have always been a good person at my core. They
say the divorce rate is roughly 50 percent, were they all drug
users? Not even close. The majority have other problems that are
causing these divorces. The rest had major problems before the
drugs came along then they just blamed the major problems on the
drugs.
Violent situations? I was always aware of the potential, the
probability etc. etc..
Ice made me hyper-analyze everything, over think everything, |
Indiana
shedevil |
Re: What does an addict feel when they hurt
someone?
Quote:
I don’t believe when someone stops
using drugs that they are going to be good people.
Quote:
The majority have other problems that
are causing these divorces. The rest had major problems
before the drugs came along then they just blamed the major
problems on the drugs.
Hey Guesswho~
And where was this post when I really needed it?! lol...
Or were you waiting for me to learn it on my own, just like it
was meant to happen?
You're pretty kind-hearted for being so ornery...
With much love & respect.. |
Sfj |
Re: What does an addict feel when they hurt
someone?
Here's what I said two
days ago on this forum.
"Nobody returns.
The best you can hope for is that through treatment and
recovery, they become a better person than they were before they
started using. That is a more common outcome.
The issue of remorse, guilt, and shame is really huge and severe
for many of us. We do everything we can to make amends,
apologize, seek to pay any and all restitution, retribution and
do everything possible to make up for past wrongs, crimes, sins,
errors, and problems we caused.
We seek forgiveness and we repent - but it is never enough."
When you are in fire about to be burned to death, your only
thought is how to escape. The center part of your brain is so
highly stimulated that you don't start thinking about
philosophy, ethics, morality, sociology, or the administration
of relationship techniques and protocol.
That's how meth addiction is. Like a fire. (in your brain) |
Just
Ronda |
Re: What does an addict feel when they hurt
someone?
Okay, thanks so far, I
understand what is being said but could anyone try to maybe
answer some of the above questions more specifically? more
detail? or in order, and then add to that if you like? Were you
were aware of your day to day actions? When a new day came, did
you even remember the day from before? Or, are these questions
too impossible to answer because life was just so abnormal? I
hope I am not being too difficult, but just want more in depth
of what exactly was going on in your brain at the time down to
the most minute detail? Understand? Or, like I said, maybe just
not possible? Sorry, I just wouldn't know. I'm trying to think
back when I partied, and when I was drunk what did I think and
what was my awareness of things? But it's been too long, so if I
had a few drinks would this help me understand>D I think that is
just totally not the same? And back in younger days, I also did
crank (don't know if quite the same as meth today), but so very
occasionally like I've said (like just 2-3 times a year on New
Year's or something) and I kinda remember what that was like,
but that was just out having fun for a night (don't attack that
please, couldn't think of good wording and you know what I
mean), it never effected my or anyone else's life or hurt anyone
so I just can't compare that either. |
guest
who |
Re: What does an addict feel when they hurt
someone?
Quote:
Were you were aware of your day to
day actions? When a new day came, did you even remember the
day from before? Or, are these questions too impossible to
answer because life was just so abnormal? I hope I am not
being too difficult, but just want more in depth of what
exactly was going on in your brain at the time down to the
most minute detail? Understand? Or, like I said, maybe just
not possible?
Yes you are aware of your day to day
actions. Yes you remember the day before. Sleep deprivation
might prevent your memory from being sharp but you know how that
goes right? Otherwise your mind, is real sharp. At least mine
was. |
scorpio |
Re: What does an addict feel when they hurt
someone?
A very very large part of
why I used is so that I would not FEEL.
Of course it didn't work 100%,,,, 100% of the time.... when it
didn't work and I did FEEL,,, I usually felt JUSTIFIED. I found
a way in my convoluted diluted brain to make it more your fault
than mine.
If I stole from you, you had it coming, because, you would have
done the same to me, or you were selfish, or you wouldn't know
anyhow, or you couldn't prove it was me, or it was somehow mine
anyways.
If I said something mean,,, you shouldn't be so sensitive, or
you deserved it, or you should know better than to approach me
then or or or or...
If I was disloyal to you,,,, you deserved it, or you weren't
loyal to me, or you were thinking of being disloyal to me, or it
would teach you not to do or say......
I ALWAYS justified my bullshit... I found a way to justify even
the worst of my behaviors,,, and most of the justifications
didn't become reality to me until I began to work the steps.
Even now, as I am working the steps on my marriage, I have been
in recovery 98% of my marriage, and am finding that I have
justified some not so great behaviors in order to gain control
of my using addict.
Sigh,,, still sick,,,, but trying to get better. |
shakti |
Re: What does an addict feel when they hurt
someone?
Long post.
No apologies.
Read what you want.
I can appreciate the questions and thanks for the answers.
JustRonda - I can appreciate your desire to know specifics
concerning the questions you asked.
As a recovering codependent and former partner to 'maintainer'
whose behavior moved from decent to acceptable to questionable
to intolerable...well, i have spent a great deal of my time
pondering the same questions you asked and so many more.
I am fortunate to have a most wonderful friend who used for six
years (clean over four? years now) to walk me thru what? huh?
and I don't understand?
.... Why? What? How? became my little codependent "got to get to
the bottom of this" obsession.
I don't know if you are/have been relative, friend, partner of a
meth user, but I will address my response as such.
There are so many questions... I am not sure that all the
answers in the world could completely satisfy that thirst for a
feeling of understanding the users vantage.
My friend who used for six years told me something like this....
those years were a blur. i dated men who used. i dated men who
didn't use. you just don't feel anything. you have no emotions.
you are numb.
She said to me {I have only known her clean - a wonderful and
bright person she is!} She said to me... i pushed my mother out
of my apartment and down the stairs! and then, i threw her
luggage down the stairs! My mother! My mother, who had traveled
across the country to see me! I pushed her out and down the
stairs! You want to know why? Because she smoked a cigarette in
my apartment. You just don't care.
Well, now, she cares. The way in which she describes the event
is with comical animation - as if her own story is too
preposterous to believe. (she and her family are well)
Funny thing is, I got tied up at the top of the stairs. I became
very confrontational and demanding with my partner towards the
end (tough love gone mad). I was very hurt, very angry and I let
him know. I was very much involved 'in the moment' and not
'cool' enough to know to step back and assert myself in ways
that might have been more beneficial to both of us. He tied me
up at the top of the stairs, pushed my body so that my head hung
over the top-stair -my face looking down the stairs- and he
said, 'If you move or try to break free, i will push you down
these stairs and you will end up at the bottom.'
With that, he left the house.
Turns out he took my debit card to the store. He brought home a
grocery bag with milk, eggs and bread. He also got 100 bucks
cash back and, I am only guessing, made a quick trip to see his
dealer.
I don't have an answer to your questions. He became 'meaner'
even though I backed off from my own aggressive behavior and
offered a helping hand - again. Yet, I was/am still the enemy. I
have to realize my own contribution to the problem... My
confrontational behavior only fueled the fire.
But there is something curious there - in his behavior. The
kick-boxing, martial artist and health-conscious man who used to
cook breakfast for our daughter and take pride in walking her to
school, tied me up (loose enough for me to get free) in order to
buy drugs...And at the same time, he made sure to purchase food
for breakfast for the following day.
Perhaps, it is all to easy to see that he was an addict feeding
his addiction only. Perhaps, I am back to stage one of my own
codependence in suggesting such in this post. But, right now, I
feel that there was still some part of him that was grappling
with a need for the drug and a desire to 'do good.'
En fin, the addict is no longer the person we have known. This
person we are searching for still exists. We are no longer the
self we have known. Our self still exists. We, all, must begin
again. We must believe in the power of our love for others. We
must believe in the power of our love for ourselves.
We might do well to question every thing. We need answers. We
need answers. Answers will come with time. We must be patient.
Search for your answers. Research. Read. Ask. Pray if you are
inclined. Don't stop your quest. Seek and ye shall find.
Special thanks to those who used to use and took the time to
answer JustRonda's questions... you helped me as well. Thanks
JustRonda for asking... |
forget
suzette |
Re: What does an addict feel when they hurt
someone?
Quote:
There are so many questions... I am
not sure that all the answers in the world could completely
satisfy that thirst for a feeling of understanding the users
vantage.
ask em. ...you'll at least get some other
angles. also....that that statement, flowed beautifully.
...nice.
you're right too, but, we could try if you have any
questions...
...I like a challenge. |
eyes
open83 |
Re: What does an addict feel when they hurt
someone?
i was aware of what my
day to day actions were, but NO i was not aware of the pain i
was causing at the time... |
Reason |
Re: What does an addict feel when they hurt
someone?
when an addict is using, how do you feel about the pain you
cause AT THE TIME YOU CAUSE IT? Not how you felt about it later,
but AT THAT VERY MOMENT?
Obviously, in any non-sober state, it's much easier to miss
things going on around you. But sometimes a drug can increase an
aspect of awareness, like Ecstasy's effect of increased empathy.
That being said, many factors contribute to our mental state at
any given time. Psychoactive substances have a greater impact,
certainly, but the single most significant factor isn't a drug,
or a mood, or situational circumstances: it's the individual.
You seem to almost be asking if drugs "make" us do certain
things. To paraphrase GUESTWHO's spot-on remark: quitting a drug
doesn't improve one's character, integrity, virtue or moral
quality. I'm reminded of a joke: a patient who's about to have
an operation on his hand asks the doctor, "Will I be able to
play the piano good after the surgery?" Certainly, the doctor
replies. "Great," smiles the patient, "I never could before."
Personally, I usually don't see the behavior of someone who is
"high" as caused by the drug... I see the drug as an inhibition
reducer, allowing behavior unfettered by social demands or fear
of consequence. The "real you" shines forth, for better or
worse.
Exceptions abound, but generally I believe it holds true. My own
experience carries the most weight. Behavior I see attributed to
drug use in others didn't arise in me when I was an addict. I
wasn't more angry, violent, insensitive, dishonest, or
arrogant... and believe me, I've done all the bad drugs very,
very thoroughly.
Certainly, severe sleep deprivation has some inescapable
effects. Patience is shorter, mental capacity diminished,
attention span reduced. But whatever my quality of character
before the drug, so it remained during addiction.
But I'm just basically fleshing out GUESTWHO's succinct earlier
post. Go back and read what she said again. I will, too... gotta
learn to be a little more pithy. :)
And you know, it might not be a bad idea to make a little
experiment, like you mentioned. Go out, get a little drunk, see
how it affects what goes through your mind as you function
socially. Alcohol is a different animal from meth and other hard
stuff, but the general principle remains the same. |
Bent
But
Not
Broken |
Re: What does an addict feel when they hurt
someone?
when an addict is using,
how do you feel about the pain you cause AT THE TIME YOU CAUSE
IT?
Ronda~
To the best of my introspection, questions I have asked of some
people I was around when using meth, and reading all my journal
entries, English essays, and working during those six months, I
felt energetic, I got a whole lot of remodeling completed during
"human" hours, and I read and remember the content of many great
books I normally would not have had the time for. 99% of my
meth-high was normal me except I didn't work through some
personal issues I should have.....and NOW the pain sets in
working through them...pain for me, which is fine. I fit the
definition of "Functional" user though.
No one knew I was smoking meth to the best of all above starts
to first sentence except my meth addict and his brother. Fun was
funnier. Laughter was more from my core. My writings were much
more fine-tuned and evocative. Making an A in this particular
class in college and getting several essays and interviews
published kinda blew me away. My professor (now sponsor) cut no
slack whatsoever--so yeah--that A and published works made me
soar. The inhibited creative side of me said, "hey, try oil
painting now, or poetry, or horseback riding (major fear of
horses here)".
None of my patients suffered lack of care, my two classes for
CEU's were a breeze, and thankfully, I do remember all I learned
and did.
Did I cause someone pain? Two folks got a severe blasting from
me that, under *non-meth* me would have never occurred. At the
moment my mouth let loose, no, I didn't give a flying flip if I
did hurt every feeling they had and then some. One used meth--a
female, and you want to know how hard it was for me to NOT
cold-@#%$ her and leave her lay in the dusty road with no
phone/car/means of getting anywhere? Instead, I broke 2 fingers
and dislocated my thumb on a phone pole I had her pinned
against.
How ironic I am hanging on with a thread today because she was
my new patient yesterday. Now she looked and acted 150% like the
NGeo show and she didn't know me from Adam's house cat.
Evidently, she got ripped off big time from some deals she
should have made, or she did the meth herself which makes more
sense, and her supplier came and collected. She paid with a
broken hip and leg that now has pins, screws, and plates galore.
(Seeing the mention of Walmart in one of the other posts broke
me out in a cold, cold sweat when I read it cos that dirt road
is behind the Walmart--yes, I am shaking as I write, not with
anger at her but anger at what it has done to her.) I did the
initial intake for her care and then called one of my male rehab
nurses and asked him to get over there and get busy and I'd pay
him overtime & I don't have to see her again. If I were farther
along than 21 days clean, I could manage her case fine...but not
now.
Marc, the lawyer I was starting to date, said something the last
night we went out about a case he had with a "speed-freak." That
was the only last 2 words he got out. I know I hurt him deeply,
blindsided him totally, then just said, "see ya, I'm walking
home." Clear-headed, I did lots of cut-through's in the woods
from the college campus to my house and smoked a few bowls along
the way--especially when "speed-freak" would run over me again.
Now that he knows I was an active meth addict, he understands
hearing those stereotyping words made me turn bytch-o-matic on
him. He has accepted my apologies and listened intently and read
to become informed. At this point, not because I hurt him and
we've re-connected on more sane terms, I doubt we will ever be
more than friends.
I have to stay away from the female patient and Marc cos they
are both associated with me smoking my bowl.
QUOTING RondA.
Not how you felt about it later, but AT THAT VERY MOMENT? I know
you all say it was 'all about me, me, me' but what I mean is:
were you even aware of it at the time?
***Ronda, I was fortunate. I only "saw" things a few times and
that came from lack of sleep--same applies to "hearing" things.
Now the incident at college where my mexican food and tea were
dumped with meth as I turned away for just a second? Two days I
don't remember anything but seriously WANTING, WISHING, to puke.
I was on some bad (laced, rigged, dirty, whatever you wanna call
it) meth for sure and it kept me awake the longest I have gone
without sleep at all-
six days and nights straight. An answer in advance here; I don't
remember sitting here at my computer doing college homework and
business work, then without warning, falling asleep in my chair
and dropping cigs and burning my housecoat to the point the
smoke alarm went off (my meth addict friend stayed here with
me--I was sweating my arse off and the AC was going and I had a
housecoat on--he told Mom I had strep throat cos I do not sleep
at all with strep throat, I puke lots, and I run a fever and do
"silly" things (dropping that cig.. NOT silly, scares me sh*tless
now! And I need to get it out of the house ASAP cos soon Mom
will think I'll wear it as cold as it's vacillating here--and go
buy the identical replacement. During my recovery I don't need
to hear how I should quit smoking--and if that housecoat were
seen--Mom would throw a fit and I'd probably have to leave or
blow my stack. I bite my tongue a good bit when I am on edge now
cos I sure do treasure my Mom. It's gonna hurt to tell her the
truth.)
QUOTING RondA.
did you remember your day to day actions? from one day to the
next?
I've yet to forget what went on during those six months with or
without looking at my journals. As I said above, thankfully, I
only "lost" two days of being awake, and of remembering. My
friend said the most I did wrong aside from the housecoat was
shivering/sweating bullets and talking off the wall, in a low
voice that didn't wake her, in my sleep. Yes Ronda, this does
scare me, that I was a Functional addict, but thanks for some
great questions.
QUOTING RondA.
when you did something hurtful, did you even notice the pain in
the other person's eyes?
Hers? Yes but it went by so fast I got over it even faster. This
is one story I don't want to share any time soon. When I did her
intake, I told her I once knew someone like her and had been
quite ill-tempered with them. I was glad I didn't hurt her any
more than with words and I'd like to see her again someday and
apologize. This woman is big-boned and she is one tough
woman--I'm tiny and have this *problem* called a huge heart and
hate to kill a spider. She looked up at me and said, "honey,
ain't no way you have mean in you--bet she never gave it a
thought." If I find out she is clear-headed during treatment
from her male rehab nurse, I may send her a letter asking her to
please forgive me. Marc I knew I hurt instantaneously and I
didn't have to look in his eyes to know.
QUOTING RondA.
if you resorted to violence, were you aware of it at the time?
how did you feel about it at? I hope I am making myself clear
with these questions.
I didn't feel a darn thing when I hit that pole and broke my
fingers--it never did hurt. I was so aware I could have done
great harm to her I chose to take the pole instead, which felt a
lot better. That I can have this temper scares me greatly--which
my therapist and I are working on.
QUOTING RondA.
An addict's personality changes to such a frightening extint and
I would really like to see some deep and insightful answers to
these questions, if it's not too much to ask?
Ronda, I could have just as easily been PMS-ing as far as the
female is concerned and been no different...temper runs in my
family and when clean, I handle it by going swimming or hiking
or ride my bike....or I journal. Celebrate Recovery, my journal,
my sponsor, my therapist, and resuming physical activity (when I
finally get some sleep and feel safe enough to do it) will be my
coping skills.
Essentially, I have not changed before, during, and now, after
meth. Too many things would be falling apart if I had changed.
As for my earlier saying my inhibitions lowered and I tried oil
painting, poetry, etc......I don't think that's the case at all
now. There was just more energy in me to get done all kinds of
things that needed doing thus allowing me to follow some
creative outlets I'd always wanted to pursue.
*As for me*, I'll say or do exactly the same thing sober as I
will if I were to drink or smoke meth. I've never bought that
your inhibitions allow your true self to show when under any
mind-altering substance. (FWIW, that also holds true for those I
personally know.)
Ronda, that's as bare honest as I can be. Don't know if I have
helped or not, but I do thank you for asking such therapeutic
(for me at least) questions.
May you find your answers without getting a wee bit drunk. |
candi
cayne
365 |
Re: What does an addict feel when they hurt
someone?
this is how i felt... early on, no one knew i
used. i knew nothing of the dangers of meth, so at the time i
felt i hurt no one. as i used more, i stole from my job to pay
for it. i felt guilty yes, i knew it was wrong, hurtful to the
co., but the thought of being w/o meth tidal waved any other
thought or feeling. I'd lie to borrow $. i was aware &
remembered my day to day actions, but just dealt with the guilt
by using more. later, i became a very angry girl. if i caused
any pain, W/O INTENDING to, no i didn't notice. when i WANTED to
hurt people, I did & was GLAD. i was aware of my actions, though
some foggy, but justified every last one if told i was mean. i
didn't think so, just giving them what they deserved. THEY
shouldn't call me or worse, try to HELP ME! the weird part is
near my "bottom" I could never hurt people ENOUGH. I did my best
to be the worst & yet it wasn't enough! i lost the GLAD feeling
from before. so i say no i didn't see the pain cuz no human
could've been at the receiving end of my anger & not been hurt. |
corty
shell |
Re: What does an addict feel when they hurt
someone?
Quote:
The best you can hope for is that
through treatment and recovery, they become a better person
than they were before they started using. That is a more
common outcome.
Was this a typo?
Did you mean that the best you could hope for was they become
better then who they were WHILE using?
Please clarify |
Jamie
J1979 |
Re: What does an addict feel when they hurt
someone?
My using upset others because they worried
about me and it stressed them to see me hurting myself. I didn't
steal or rely on friends or family to support my habit, I worked
so in the department I don't have any guilt as I supported my
own habit. I tried to hide my addiction from my loved ones, I
now realize that they knew the whole time. They probably walked
on eggshells around me which is stressful. I didn't steal from
people or use others, instead I was often used by other addicts
because I was a generous person even while using because I
didn't like using alone so I would share my stuff 50/50 with
whoever I was using with. I feel I was still a basically good
person while using, I just wasn't around alot and that hurt my
family especially when there were family events I that I was
expected to attend. So no I didn't intentionally hurt my loved
ones. If I did hurt them at the time I was upset about it but I
just used more drugs to make the shame and guilt go away.
Looking back I now feel bad for causing any stress or pain to my
loved ones.
Jamie |
Sfj |
Re: What does an addict feel when they hurt
someone?
Corty,
I meant it the way I wrote it. That was not a typo.
Many recovering addicts become better people after recovery than
they were before addiction.
Remember, just before the person took the first drug, what kind
of condition they were in.
They were getting ready to become a drug addict.
That means, they had not dealt with the problems that
lead to drug addiction.
After recovery, therapy, treatment, working ALL TWELVE STEPS
WITH A SPONSOR and continuous embracing the tools of recovery,
including the tenth step, then YES:
The recovering, or recovered addict can be a much better person
than they ever were at any time previous in their life. |
corty
shell |
Re: What does an addict feel when they hurt
someone?
I guess we are all entitled to our
opinions...
There's a lost innocence and you can never get that back no
matter how many steps you take.
Do you think everyone was in a bad state before they started
using drugs...
How about someone who does it out of peer pressure?
That doesn't make them a bad person, just weak.
Depression doesn't make you a bad person either in my opinion
but drugs do, you do things and hurt people to obtain and
maintain your high.... No one can ever go back or turn out
better.
You may try to be a better person then WHILE you were using but
you will never achieve what you lost.
But that's my opinion. |
Sfj |
Re: What does an addict feel when they hurt
someone?
Yeah, That's what I said in the first
place.
"Nobody returns."
And that goes for non-addicts the same as addicts and everybody
else.
We can't go back to what we were before, so the best we can hope
for is to become something better than we were, either before or
during.
And I am convinced that everyone can improve and can be a better
person if they really want to and use the proper tools. |
See also:
What does an addict feel the moment they cause pain to others?
Does meth take away feelings or compassion?
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