KCI The Anti_Meth Site

What Meth did to me - Am I a bag whore?

jes78	am i a bag whore? i just figured since a few felt bad about the word bagwhore, it might help to see how many others have done the same thing as them. so ill start. i was a bagwhore. and i was also the one with the dope plenty of times too. i know I've said it before, and i'll say it again. the only way i'll become a bagwhore again would be is if i picked up. and just for today, I'm not going to get high. they are just names, they don't define who we are. i know who i am and i know I'm not no whore, not anymore anyways! anyone want to share what you've done. none of its pretty, but most of us did some @#%$ up things.
Replies...
Sfj	Re: am i a bag whore? I agree with that Jes, Although, I say I am a speedfreak at CMA meetings, or an "addict" at NA meetings, that does not define who I am. I am, a husband, father, son, brother, teacher, student, administrator, chat room monitor, client, counselor, friend, reader, writer, learner, veteran, Christian, football and NASCAR fan, mechanic, motorcyclist, dog-owner, dishwasher, laundry guy, cook, CMA GSR, and so many more things. We all are. Every one of us is so much more than an addict, speedfreak, or alcoholic. Here's what I was: This is what I did, how I felt, and what I was when I used meth: These are some of the things I've gone through, some are not as bad as they were, some are healing or healed, some are lasting" Desperation, paranoia, STDs, hospitals, lost jobs, evictions, busted relationship, bills I can't pay. Bill collectors, foreclosure, car repossessed, self-loathing, loss of dignity, loss of integrity, loss of friends, loss of self-respect, loss of self-control. Lawsuits, Fear. Sick thoughts of perverse sexual behavior. Thievery, hanging out with bottom dwellers, crawling through trash piles, dumpsters, and dumps, debauchery, getting ripped off by dealers and so-called friends, sickly skin, speed bump skin, dental disaster, pain and suffering, panic, hollow empty looking facial features, hiding from everyone and everything, ripping off those I love, urine in a jar or bottle, risk of liver and kidney failure, heart attack, stroke, riding to the hospital ER or morgue. Unable to think, unable to focus, horny as hell and unable to get laid, unattractive, ugly, smelly, looking weird, sick, deathly, putrid, premature aging, premature aches and pains, getting in debt to the connect, unable to cope, unable to get high because I'm too damned dirty, late for everything, dope really doesn't work much any more, people avoided me as much as I avoid them, long-time friends don't want to see me or have anything to do with me, can't go to the bathroom because my plumbing quit working due to meth addiction, more panic, more paranoia, hiding, turn off the lights so no one can see me, garbage hasn't been emptied in weeks, missing a vein and getting abscessed, lung disease, scars that won't heal, sores that won't heal but get worse, filthy living conditions, loss of humanity, strung out on porn, too scared to commit suicide and to too desperate not to. SICK. Neurological devastation. Unending remorse, shame, and guilt. Did I say SICK? That's about all I can think of right now, there's a lot more I'm sure, but it gets depressing just to look at this list.
Rubyy 2zday	Re: am i a bag whore? The term "bagwhore" doesn't bother me. Sure, I was in plenty of situations where I was getting high and they were getting what they wanted, but I wanted it too. My fav thing to do high is have marathon sex, so it's like killing 2 birds with 1 stone. Of course this was not my usual way of getting dope, I usually was running my own pidly game and managed to work making good tips for the bulk of my addiction, until the end. It's just a term to appropriately describe a dirty little situation. The whole lifestyle was dirty. Who cares, it was fun while it lasted. And then it wasn't fun anymore, when wasn't able to be discriminating and wasn't able to have things on my terms. That's when the fun ended and I got out and at least today I don't have to go back.
NoMore 4Me	Re: am i a bag whore? I ran a call-girl service. This tread just reminded me of book.. "The Happy Hooker" LMAO!!! ONLY you can define YOU. Am I a whore??? Depends on who you ask. Do I think I'm a whore? No, I do not. I am a web tech. I am a mom. I am a loving human being. Would I sell out again? Nah, I have better coping skills now. and new skills.
Rubyy 2zday	Re: am i a bag whore? being a whore has more to do with power and control than it has to do with sex. When you think of it like that, you see that sometimes the whore has all the power, sometimes she has none.
NoMore 4Me	Re: am i a bag whore? like a she-whore in the bible. That came to mind as this has all come up. Scary.
jes78	Re: am i a bag whore? it reminds u of the book, the happy hooker? that's funny @#%$. u just made me laugh my cereal out my nose!! jes78
Sfj	Re: am i a bag whore? Ruby, This is right on. *Quote:* being a whore has more to do with power and control than it has to do with sex.
Sfj	Re: am i a bag whore? I know that we'd risk being told it is off topic, but I wonder if anyone has thoughts about Nevada. In certain counties, prostitution is legal and tightly controlled. Same with a number of other countries. Any thoughts? I'd enjoy a discussion, debate, dialogue or whatever, as long as people can talk about it in a civilized manner.
luve piphany	Re: am i a bag whore? I knew there was a reason I wanted to move to Vegas for so long....It was Freudian!
writerjp	Re: am i a bag whore? Isn't it true that prostitution is legal everywhere in Nevada except for Las Vegas? That's what I heard, anyway.
Bent But Not Broken1	Re: am i a bag whore? Am I a whore for meth......not in my opinion. I never had sex while using it, never had my sex-drive go up at all and never gave my body sexually in exchange for meth. Hearing all this in some respects makes me feel cheated and some of me is eternally grateful that meth never gave me that "rush", "I want to have sex non-stop" I hear spoken of. I understand it because of how coke made me want to have sex non-stop. Would I have traded my body for coke? Not once would I have. I did pay money for coke. I would have given away many belongings for coke. Then, when belongings ran out-I'd of had to call a halt to it. Being physically intimate is special to me...something I don't take lightly. I'm having more "problems" with hormonal surge now than I have ever had in my life and I'm not dating any one. I'm terrified to date now because of this hormonal overload I'm feeling. I know part of it is being 42...part is being clean...part is getting to know me & really love me- warts and all. This is something I do talk about with my therapist because at times, I almost feel overwhelmed with the desire for an intimate, sexual, loving relationship with a man. First things first--my recovery is that important. (cold showers...I'm learning to love them ) Diverging somewhat here...when I'm in a relationship with a man, then it's my personal choice and his if words like "whore" and many others I won't even put here offend or are appropriate in our sexual expressions together. I feel that is the right of any couple to decide if they want to use more "colorful" language together or not. I also feel that both people should be in agreement before that more "colorful" language is used. Off-track...hopefully not. Found too many matchbooks from places in Nevada in my ex- hubby's jeans pockets to have much nice to say about it. I do know when he was home, and before he ventured to that state, he never went unsatisfied sexually. Dumb a$$ shoulda cleaned out his pockets first before coming home to me...but even then, his partner he ran with had the matchbooks and cards found by his wife. She was on the phone with me so fast I couldn't catch my breathe. I'd of known he was at least inside a place where prostitution was legal. He said he never did avail himself of one's services but he didn't have a good "poker-face" either. Thus, we had our first marriage counseling session thanks to Nevada. Our marriage was all down-hill from there.
guest who	Re: am i a bag whore? Jes, were you a whore? No just a savvy business woman, Just kidding. I love you.
girl Gone Mild69	Re: am i a bag whore? Bent~~ I'm at the point in my recovery where I'm not dating anyone either so I can understand the craving for a loving relationship but having to learn to love yourself 1st. I'm glad my hormones have pretty much shut down. For so long I was in an unhappy relationship for the (mind-blower until the beginning of the end) sex and ~~of course ~~the hookup for my doc's. But I haven't lost faith that there's someone out there for me, I just want to find myself so I can be a complete half merging together to make a harmonious whole.
lynne	Re: am i a bag whore? thanks SFJ for the detailed description of what it is like to live as an addict. you should write a book about how your life really was. right now it is such a talked about issue. meth addicts lives are SO SECRETIVE but sometimes loved ones want to know what they are really up to.
Rubyy 2zday	Re: am i a bag whore? JANE'S ADDICTION LYRICS "Whores" Way down low where the streets are littered I find my fun with the freaks and the **ggers I don't want much man give me a little Or I'm gonna take my chances if i get 'em I love them whores they never judge you What can you say when your a whore? They cast that pearl and it don't upset 'em They take their chances if they get 'em Hear me go off! Give me some more! Need a little more @#%$ you! Give me some more! You give me breadcrumb uh - hu I'm tired of living the bosses' dream They'll squeeze you dry man if you let em Better take your - take your - take your chances if you get em