KCI The Anti_Meth Site

Quitting meth; the shame, the hurt, guilt

onemore time2	Quitting meth, the shame, the hurt, guilt. Hi guys.. I am not new to getting off drugs and alcohol. got off alcohol 12 years ago, started doing meth weekends 6 years ago, got addicted to oxy/perk for a year, got off that last August, went thru hell with w/d. Now i have realized meth is the worst drug i ever did. It has slowly destroyed my life. I thought it was weekends only till i started doing it all week a month ago for 2 weeks. I realized my bf was not going to put up with it much more, I got him doing it once in a while a few years ago. i feel guild for bringing him into this. I feel guilt because i brought a friend of mine into it and i think he got HIV because i took him to a sex party. I know i got HIV after staying negative for 15 years, i @#%$ up about 2 years ago, and got HIV from meth, it make me do terrible things, i shouldn't have done. I still have a great job and great condo, so i decided now is the time to stop. i got high new years weekend, and then said no more. i delete my online profiles, and am really realizing how much hurt my weekend meth use has caused me and people i love. I am glad i found this website because these websites really help, i got off opiates 6 months ago from a website like this. so thanks for having me. today is day 3 off meth. i am starting to feel awake
Replies...
So much guilt	Re:Quitting meth, the shame, the hurt, guilt. Welcome and yes you will get a lot of support here on this site. I'm so glad to hear that you have chosen to stop. There is so much more to life than drugs and meth kills. My 22 year old son Austin took his life this past August. 10 year drug addiction and 6 years addicted to crystal. Please visit his memorial website. www.austin-hesse.last-memories.com Light a candle, read his story. Let his story give you strength to fight this addiction and not have meth end you. God Bless You and I will be thinking of you. Please keep in touch and remember we are here for you!!
onemore time2	Re:Quitting meth, the shame, the hurt, guilt. thank you guys, I am so sorry about your loss. thanks both of you for your support.
Ignor amus	Re:Quitting meth, the shame, the hurt, guilt. *Quote:* I am glad i found this website because these websites really help, i got off opiates 6 months ago from a website like this. so thanks for having me. today is day 3 off meth. i am starting to feel awake This website will help, and congratulations on the three days. It will get worse before it gets better, but then it does get better. You took the first step, and it was a step in the right direction.
onemore time2	Re:Quitting meth, the shame, the hurt, guilt. you're not kidding it was a step in the right direction. It was so hard getting off my opiate addiction. I was sick in bed for weeks, this time it is not like that. no bad withdrawal, just the horrible realization that i did so many sexual bad things. Now i am not on pain meds, not allowing meth to tell me its ok to use once in a while, so i am left to deal with the consequences of the things i did, the other meth addicts i hung with, had sex with, let my bf have sex with, next to me, he could have gotten HIV from this guy, and i just laid there, unable to do anything about it. took a friend to a sex party 5 years ago, he was only 19 at the time, 3 years later he told me he got HIV. I know it was from that sex party. I got HIV around the same time he did but i am 39. i told my bf i got HIV and he said i love you anyway.. and I still did meth for 3 more years, now its all hitting me what a @#%$ up group of people i associated with from sex websites. i hope i can get off this @#%$ forever this time
danimal 55	Re:Quitting meth, the shame, the hurt, guilt. Your track record suggests that maybe you are new at getting off drugs...you ARE hooked on the Grand Daddy of 'em all, and getting un-hooked is not going to be a picnic. And trust me, trading one substance for another is quite easy when meth becomes the new drug of choice. What you're good at is moving from one substance to another, and now you've reached the end of the cycle and reside in the belly of the beast. Wise up and trade it ALL in for a program of recovery and/or treatment/rehab. An internet forum is a great start and a wonderful compliment to a pro-active recovery, but most of us agree that it's not enough, especially with an addiction history such as you've described. Consider your recovery options, there are many, because... It's not a monkey on your back this time, it's KING KONG! The Epitome of Sorcery.
onemore time2	Re:Quitting meth, the shame, the hurt, guilt. that's scary, i did do 35 days of rehab 12 years ago, and was clean of everything even cigs for 3.5 years after that. I was clean for 9 months 5 years ago too. I think i hit the bottom again, i tend to fix myself before i loose everything. Luckily i have never let myself loose it all, I have lost a lot before i get help, but not all. I think getting myself infected with HIV 3 years ago was a good bottom, and i medicate myself till now. Now i am ready to deal with it and get back to the good clean life. I will go to counseling if i have trouble dealing with the feelings i am feeling, but i don't think i can go inpatient, the insurance won't let me I'm sure, they never do anymore.
danimal 55	Re:Quitting meth, the shame, the hurt, guilt. Strike one! "I don't think I can go to inpatient" Quit thinking and pursue your options as if your ass is on fire....& there are many to choose from. If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice, a choice that will keep the doors open to continue using. Counseling is a great idea but it's no substitute for treatment/rehab and ongoing aftercare. This is no time to short yourself, and the rest here will most certainly agree...meth IS the drug that caused us to "loose everything". For many of us...more than once. Consider an honest, straight-up assessment thru a local agency or counseling service. This time is different, and the odds are slim to none that you're going to "fix myself". Get help! We all need it in some form or another... not just a little.''
BentBut Not Broken1	Re:Quitting meth, the shame, the hurt, guilt. Welcome to KCI onemoretime...and I'm sorry you got infected with HIV. Being a poly-substance user, I don't see how you can afford not to do some inpatient. at the least intensive outpatient and a 12 Step program along with psychologist this time, dear one. Meth is the mother-load battle to overcome at best. Add in your guilt, shame, remorse, and hurt...you need more than just KCI IMO. Seek out every option available to you while you have the amount of good health that you do. You are worth it. By all means, KCI has been a God-send to me. It alone couldn't have helped me to kick meth and learn why I used to begin with. Think of KCI as another part of your road to recovery. Love you enough to do all you can, as soon as you can. Again, Welcome to KCI...look forward to reading you on your journey.
SOS 1988	Re:Quitting meth, the shame, the hurt, guilt. meth isn't like opiates....opiates make your body sick when you withdrawal.....meth makes breaks your mind....reducing you to a feeble and pathetic state.....the insanity and brain damage can last a long long time....if it ever goes away
onemore time2	Re:Quitting meth, the shame, the hurt, guilt. thank you guys, i am going out of town this weekend to visit my mother, and then seeing my dentist out of town Monday. be back Tuesday. I read someplace its really important to keep busy. do you guys think i might be a little better off because i didn't use meth daily except for the last 7 days of 2006. and 2 weeks before that for 5 days. other then that i only used 2 times a month a few years, and every weekend for a few years. i hope my brain is not destroyed. I will find a psychologist to talk to next week.
danimal 55	Re:Quitting meth, the shame, the hurt, guilt. Busy is good...busy with recovery is better. And don't be downsizing the nature of your meth addiction, [or any addiction] meth does have a grip that isn't simply wished away or denied. The obsession to use is real and powerful, and you're going to need more than a shrink and anti-depressants if you're going to become more real and powerful than the drug[s]. Explore your recovery options and try not to perceive yourself as unique...or you just might find yourself terminally unique. And no, I personally don't think you're "a little better off" than any of the rest of us, as your addiction history indicates......you are one of us. And no, your brain isn't destroyed, but it is severely injured...just like the rest of us. And you can take the "only" out of "I only used___". You've had your head in a blender for a loooong time. We need help, and more than a shrink alone can give us, especially if we're not 100% honest about our drug use. Read through this forum and you'll realize what the rest of us do to get clean & stay clean. A lot of approaches to recovery work, but whatever approach you choose, if you choose one, make it a daily habit. And be here, this forum makes a great home base for recovery, those that keep coming back DO get better, slooowly but surely. It IS your turn.
forget suzette	Re:Quitting meth, the shame, the hurt, guilt. For me...(I used 2 decades) When you are high, it blocks out all the things that "normal" people are in tune with. ...What we've done is we escaped reality, as we'd hoped...but escaping reality, is insanity. So you are sitting on a dung pile knitting for eternity like a happy idiot. ....when you come down. Gravity, is apparent....your mind is thick like dough. it's so hard to shower, get your stuff together and see anyone.........you can't find what's clearly sitting in front of you... when you take a shower you can't really feel water hitting your skin...you really can't function. ...you can't "put on a happy face" and possibly act like a person who is "with" the world.....a dude...for about 2 months....................little by little it lightens up. you start feeling so grateful to TEARS, that you can "feel" something again.... ...and for brief moments..... that you weren't despairing. you feel a grateful to god feeling, because, your SOUL, the real you that emerges from the wreckage to shine thru. you maturity level isn't as it should be, so emotions run high.......and the real you morns. the realization hits.....you start remembering things, that happened when you were high... ....that you translate into realistic terms, instead of meth illogical terms... ....you begin to hurt emotionally....as physically throbs in the background like a kids car stereo with bass. the tears, the regret, the remorse, the horror, the wasted time, the waste of your life, you weren't in your own life. you stole, and sold, and hustled for this piece of hazardous waste.......the realization hits you that you are a piece of SH!T Everyone has contempt for you, you are perpetually in the dog house, given the fish eye, tension...suspician, disappointment, hurt eyes all around you...you are an ASS....you were at LARGE ....an idiot........... a farrell human. ....people think you are using, or going to relapse, and you aren't...or trying not to. the heavy feelings. the next phase? ...I don't belong here.. I want to go back to the place with no pain...I destroyed my life, family, friends, bonds, trust. all I got left is meth. I'm not saying don't pay your dues.......but you CAN'T do it at once, anymore than one waitress could serve 2000 people at once. the things you neglect...self, relationships, bills, times (graduations, weddings, birthdays, xmas bla bla bla) ...............it all hurts so bad and is so overwhelming. but if you tell the 2000 people to come in 20 at a time......and stagger them an hour and a half.. the waitress could do that if she works hard. ..We're wrong, and we know it. It's hard, we've all been thru a lot ..... try to understand what we did, and what we gotta make right....takes time ......Go at a level, that doesn't exceed your/our capabilities as mere mortals to fix.. try to focus on getting well. you can't fill anyone's glass until you fill your own pitcher.. and do a priority list to make amends........if you don't you'll go back to the dark side.
onemore time2	Re:Quitting meth, the shame, the hurt, guilt. Hey, I'm back, went to visit my mother and my aunt over the weekend, got back today. I am feeling much better, not so tired anymore. not depressed either. I just have to learn to deal with the cravings when i get them on the weekends. I don't want to go back to the dark side. I can't imagine if i did this stuff everyday for months, I would never have been able to deal with getting off it.
iw2q06	Re:Quitting meth, the shame, the hurt, guilt. hey ((((((((hugz))))))))) good to have u back!!! dealing with cravings is a BIATCH!!! but they pass.... they're just thoughts, and thoughts can't kill u... dope can. anyways I'm glad u don't wanna go back. stay with us and stay strong
onemore time2	Re:Quitting meth, the shame, the hurt, guilt. Hey mucho love!! take care of you too! thanks for your support. I glad your around! "She must have went" to the dark side. He didn't go there, he went to mom's house.. LOL
danimal 55	Re:Quitting meth, the shame, the hurt, guilt. "I just have to learn to deal with the cravings when I get them on the weekends" There are MANY ways to do just that, and there are many ways to learn what those ways they are. Learning IS the trick! Relapse prevention and trigger management skills are the tricks we need in our tool bag. Learning why we have cravings is also useful information. Understanding the mechanics of...(((Euphoric Recall}}} [the roots of a craving] is ESSENTIAL information that we need to learn. Recovery tools are a good thing...the more the merrier. & BTW omt2...don't take "she" personal, "they" still call me Dani occasionally. grrrrrrrrr!!