KCI The Anti_Meth Site

I love a meth addict why am I miserable?

RED ROSE66	I love a meth addict why am I miserable? First of all, whoever is responsible for this site is a life saver. Thank you This is my story...I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years. It has been rocky since the get go. I tried leaving him after a few months b/c of possessive behavior. He said he had cancer so I stayed. Who would lie about such a thing? Of course, I found out he lied. That should have been a huge red flag. I have never been exposed to meth or even knew what it was. After some time I noticed a huge change in him, verbally abusive and at times he got physical with me. I have never been subjected to this kind of treatment. I have been with men in the past who treated me with respect and loved me unconditionally. To be called a fuckin whore, @#%$, @#%$, etc...was crushing for me. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. I have two younger children from a previous marriage and I was horrified that they were subjected to this and it was my fault. I kept telling myself this will be the time I leave him for good. He always roped me back in somehow. I thought I could save him from himself and that I would make him a better man. I have found that there is no fighting a meth user. He still to this day denies any use. I have done my research on the the Internet and believe knowledge is power. He is also an alcoholic and pot smoker. After much turmoil, he finally decided to go into rehab only to walk out the back door after I dropped him off. This man has broken my heart in so many ways. I feel broken. I'm angry that I was never strong enough to walk away. He has isolated me from my friends and family. They hate him. This has created much pain in my relationships. My ex even tried taking my kids from me at one point. I'm a good person. Before all this I laughed and enjoyed life. I looked in the mirror the other day and I feel like I have gone thru hell. Why is it so hard? I have no self esteem and no self respect. Although I run a school for troubled kids and hear myself giving them advice I can't even take. I figure I can try to help them. They have so much respect for me-I would die if they ever knew that I am subjected o this kind of treatment. It's my dirty little secret and I can fix this. Well, I'm at the point where I can't. I have to reach out for help before I go crazy. I feel so much shame. Why am I so sad all the time? I can put on a good front but the moment I'm alone, I lose it. I try to hold it together fro my kids. He says he wants to be part of my family but never goes to any of my kids' functions. I'm always alone. He starts a fight with me or accuses me of things that are outlandish. He says things or brings up things when he's yelling at me that make no sense. He lives with his mom and you can see why. We tried living together but I couldn't handle walking on eggshells all the time. He's so unpredictable. His mom blames me for everything to. She's in denial and refuses to see that he has a problem. That's just the way he is. What, crazy??? I found a glass pipe a few weeks back and confronted him and he denied it was his. He gets angry if I try to pursue any matters with him. I hate being yelled at by him, it's like he hates me. I think why don't you let me go if you can look at me with such hatred? He has recently lost weight, looks sunken in and craves sweets on occasion. Believe me I have read all about the signs and symptoms. I have had the police show up to my house on many occasions. Mind you I have never had to call them for anything in the past. My brother in law is a police sergeant and this is so embarrassing for me. I have had to call the police where I work on some incorrigible students, only to have had them at my house before. I have been so humiliated by this man. He accuses me of cheating all the time and goes thru my personal things. I am currently 5 months pregnant and can't stop crying. I will raise this child on my own I know this. He says he wants to be part of our lives but I know that there is no way in hell he's going to have him for any amount of time alone. He has a little boy from a previous encounter and the mom is shizo. and often leaves him alone with him. I know he's using in his presence. I want to say something to her but I have no solid proof. Just my gut feeling. I want to know what I can do to protect my child. Can I demand that he be drug tested? I know he will make this hell for me just to spite me. He will go nuts once I try to walk away. I'm trying to prepare myself and seek help in my situation beforehand. I still love him despite all this but know that I have to break free and get better. I feel like a basket case. I cry all time and wish that I wasn't pregnant with his child. I feel guilty for feeling this way and ask God to help me with my struggles. He holds money over my head b/c he has agreed to help me with my doctor bills. i can't make an appt. unless I've paid for that month. I can't afford to do this on my own right now. I make too much to seek help from the state. He knows this and I HATE having to ask him for his share. It's like pulling teeth. But shouldn't he be financially responsible as well? Is there any way that he can be held accountable? I have a gut feeling he will just not pay and this will be difficult for me. I never thought in a million years I would ever be connected to meth in anyway. I hate what it has done to me. I would appreciate any advice where I am at the end of my rope. I don't normally use the computer for anything but work, but I'm turning to you to help me thru this. I know I can't do this on my own. All the stress I've been under I know is not good for my baby but he doesn't seem to care when he starts in on me. I don't ANSWER THE PHONE BUT BOY WHEN HE GETS A HOLD OF ME, HE GOES NUTS!!! He accuses me of cheating even in my situation. This is crazy thinking. He currently went thru my things and got angry b/c he found some material that related to my ex. This stuff has been around since the beginning. Why now? This is just stuff like pictures and scrapbooks that I have saved for my kids. He's their father. He doesn't want me to have a journal for this baby like I did for my kids, he wants me to do the scrap booking different, I'm not to ask him to touch my stomach b/c he KNOWS that I asked my former husband to do so with my kids. This is crazy!! He hasn't even felt the baby move. We were suppose to do something this weekend but he said I probably didn't want to do anything anyway. I know he has his drug infested loser friends over and he doesn't want to give that up for me. His drugs are priority and I know that he'll come crawling back when he's coming down and try to smooth things over. But I have to gain strength before that happens. I can't live like this. It's tearing me apart. He figures since I'm pregnant he can treat me like @#%$ and not call for days on end. He was never like that before. He knows he has me right where he wants me and I hate it.
Replies...
danimal 55	Re: I love a meth addict why am I miserable? The guy is sick...very sick, and wants you to be as sick as he is. That's what meth addicts do best, isolate you, accuse/blame you and take you as an emotional hostage. He's got you in a cage...and you don't HAVE to stay there. What little money he has "agreed" to give you surely can't compensate for the emotional grief and your loss of self esteem and self respect...because of HIS addiction and HIS associated behaviors. It's not your fault, in spite of the great lengths he's going to trying to convince you that it is. And it's HIS dirty little secret that you feel embarrassed for. Make the 3 C's your mantra 1. Didn't Cause It 2. Can't Control 3. Can't cure it It's doubtful that you can demand drug testing unless there has been CPS intervention and/or drug related criminal charges against him, and trying to force accountability and financial responsibility on an addict is beating a dead horse. And things will go from bad to worse as his addiction spins further out of control. "Twilight Zone" will seem an understatement. YOU ARE a good person, and you deserve to be treated with dignity, respect and compassion. I have yet to see a loved one who didn't set out to "save" their addict, many of them end up here helping one another in a spirit of unparalleled understanding and mutual support...realizing there's little they can do for the addict, and a lot they can do for themselves. So take a deep breath and know that you just happened upon a wonderful community that does understand and will be here for you 24/7. Because they can. Welcome [although Sat. night can be a little sloooow] & BTW... Thank Darrel and Doug for this site as well as each and every member that makes it the amazing community that it is. Yourself included!
ms pickle42	Re: I love a meth addict why am I miserable? Hi -- you say you've never been treated so poorly -- sounds like you might be co-dependent. From what little knowledge I have about your type of situation and from the history you've related, it also sounds like you may have been abused or had a negative experience with a male figure or a traumatic experience, probably in childhood. I don't know, only you will know. I will say that I never got involved with any man who did drugs, was abusive, either physically or verbally, or had mental issues -- that is until I was raped last February. Now not only have I been abusing myself with dope, pills and alcohol to numb the pain, but I've become involved with a fellow user (very light meth, pot is drug of choice), who is mentally ill and gets pretty rotten and abusive when he forgets his meds. Go figure.
RED ROSE66	Re: I love a meth addict why am I miserable? Thank you to all that responded to my posts. You have no idea how much your words mean to. This is the first time I've ever admitted out loud that he is using. For so long I wanted to believe that I was just being paranoid and this wasn't happening to me. Just to know you're here makes me feel better. I know I'm on the road to recovery b/c I'm here. God Bless you all.
Tender hearts KS	Re: I love a meth addict why am I miserable? I know how hard it is to break away from the addict. Not only am I recovering addict, but I was married to an active addict before I found recovery. I will always carry guilt with me that I did not seek help sooner as my oldest daughter bears many emotional scars from the life she had to live for so many years when I was with him. I always thought if I loved him enough, was kind enough, patient enough, that he would change for me. I lived that nightmare for 5 years. It wasn't until I went into in-patient rehab and found recovery for myself that I realized it was a no-win situation with him. I will keep you in my prayers!
k8 kanguru	Re: I love a meth addict why am I miserable? Danimal has already given you some great advice in his response but I’ll add a little more for you to contemplate. You're starting to recognize your boyfriend's illness, but you may not yet have begun to see how sick being involved with him has already made you. Just as meth addiction doesn’t discriminate in whose lives it overtakes, neither does codependency. There are hundreds of other seemingly intelligent, competent, independent women who have found themselves in similar situations to you in loving a meth addict, asking the same questions I’m sure you’re starting to ask yourself. The most obvious of these is “Why am I allowing myself to be treated this way?” It’s a question worthy of deep exploration with rigorous self-honesty! It would be useful for you to make a list of the responses you give to yourself when asking this question…and then reanalyzing whether they are valid reasons to remain in an abusive relationship. One example you provide in your post above is that he has indicated that he will financially contribute towards the medical costs for his unborn child. *Quote:* He holds money over my head b/c he has agreed to help me with my doctor bills. i can't make an appt. unless I've paid for that month. I can't afford to do this on my own right now. I make too much to seek help from the state. He knows this and I HATE having to ask him for his share. It's like pulling teeth. But shouldn't he be financially responsible as well? Is there any way that he can be held accountable? I have a gut feeling he will just not pay and this will be difficult for me. You say that you can’t afford to meet your medical costs on your own right now, but my question to you is can you afford to rely on his financial support? Really? Have you taken a good look at what his financial contribution is actually COSTING you? Would you go borrow money for your medical expenses from a money lender if you knew that the terms of the loan were that you had to subject yourself to verbal and emotional abuse on a regular basis? Would you take money from any other source where it involved an arrangement whereby that person was then entitled to abuse your children? So why do you engage in such arrangements with your addict? Everything you have described about your boyfriend is behavior typical of a meth addict…behavior that, as his addiction progresses, will only become more and more harmful to both you and your children. Why would you rely for your own and your unborn baby’s health needs on a person who has already demonstrated himself to be unreliable in so many other ways? Why would a smart, employed woman do something like that? I can safely predict some of your responses (because I’ve been where you are now) but I’m asking the questions to point you to the deeper reasons within yourself for your codependency. Codependency (love addiction) is the mirror image of substance addiction. At the core lie issues of self esteem and personal identity. Recovery from addiction/codependency requires exploring and addressing these core issues for yourself. There are a few here who will advise you that if you are willing to further sacrifice your own needs and the honest expression of your feelings in the relationship, you may be able to influence your addict towards recovery from his addiction so he will be the partner you need him to be. I suggest that a more effect path is to redirect your focus onto making your own recovery a priority and letting go of any need to control or fix him so he might one day be the source of your feeling good about yourself. More often than not codependency arises from the fear we experience in asking ourselves the question, “Who would I be without his ‘love’?” Until we recover our own self esteem, it is easier for many of us to endure unending suffering in a relationship with an addict (or abuser) than to turn and meet the chasm we face when asking ourselves that question. I will send you some things privately that may help you with your self-inquiry process.
North apt	Re: I love a meth addict why am I miserable? Redrose, I'm going to be rather blunt with you because I feel your story has been told many times before by so many heart broken women. First of all, this man can not love you. He already is in a relationship..... with METH. You may want to look at what attracted you to this at some point when you feel ready to look at it. Most often in these types of relationships we are replicating old childhood wounds of abandonment, addiction, betrayal, etc. Unconsciously we want to relive the old story but we imagine a happier ending but fail to find it. This process is unconscious so we find ourselves "unaware" of the agenda or role we play in all of it. No one can tell you when you should write this guy off for good. Only you can do that once you've had enough pain. I like to call this the "threshold of pain." At that point, then you will know what to do without any advice from anyone. We all come to this in our own time. be good to yourself
click mom	Re: I love a meth addict why am I miserable? I was thankful to find this site too. I too work in human services and I give "advice" and I'd be ashamed to have people know what my life is about. If you need to talk to someone who is also in a relationship with a meth addict, I'm here.
sadinca	Re: I love a meth addict why am I miserable? Red Rose, I just wanted you to know that I understand completely what you are feeling. I'm not here to tell you that you need to leave him - I believe Northapt and am so glad that he said it - *Quote:* I like to call this the "threshold of pain." At that point, then you will know what to do without any advice from anyone. I have asked myself so many of the questions that you have asked yourself. I just wanted you to know. So, from me -- no advice - no telling you about your children - you know all that - I understand and I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. Also, I too, was pregnant with our daughter while my addict boyfriend was using. I was so unhappy about the pregnancy (at a time when I should have been so happy). I knew that I would be doing it all alone. But, you know what, now that she is born - I couldn't imagine life without her! Good Luck to you!
imlost inky	Re: I love a meth addict why am I miserable? *Quote:* I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years. It has been rocky since the get go. Still thinking it is going to get better huh? *Quote:* verbally abusive and at times he got physical with me. I have never been subjected to this kind of treatment. and it brings out a bunch of self doubt thinking you did something that earned this kind of treatment. You didn't. *Quote:* He always roped me back in somehow. *Quote:* I thought I could save him from himself and that I would make him a better man. That is how you got roped in. Right there. *Quote:* He has isolated me from my friends and family. No you have. You cut them off because you don't want to hear what they say- even though you know they are right and what they are saying is true. *Quote:* He knows he has me right where he wants me and I hate it. You have you right where he wants you. You can't change anyone but you. That is it. You can't save anyone but you. You can only fix you. RedRose, if nothing changes then it is a sure bet nothing will change. You can't control his addiction- YOU CAN CONTROL how much his addiction controls you. That is where your control lies- within you. Stick around- there are a lot of us here that have been right where you are.
newmom newson	Re: I love a meth addict why am I miserable? My heart goes out to you , I also stayed with my addict boyfriend during my pregnancy and a month after my son was here. I stayed far to long and made myself believe he had his addiction under control and made excuses for staying with him. Once my son was born and I found drugs in our home things got real for me. I started taking a look at my surrounding and asking myself do I want my son to grow up in this environment. Do I want my son to have a father that would rather be high than with him? I made a choice to get myself and my son out. It has only been 3 months since I left I still cry myself to sleep sometimes b/c somehow I miss him but I know I am putting my son first. You are not the only one who is going thru these things. stop and step outside of your situation, begin to look in from the outside and you will begin to see where you are out and where you want to be
RED ROSE66	Re: I love a meth addict why am I miserable? Thank you all for your advice. Newmomnewson and sadinca... I know that this baby is a blessing and it will all change once he arrives. I'm sad that I'm suppose to be happy during this time and I'm not. It's so hard to "act" like I'm excited when people talk to me about the baby. I wrote in his (my unborn son) journal once so far and have decided that I'm going to change that and try to share as much of my thoughts and feelings without being negative. I decided that I can write about my two other children and what they're doing. (very busy kids)...and the light of my life. I've cried over this man so much and so deep that I don't think I've ever experienced such sadness. I know I will be okay. I will. I've received so much wonderful advice already. So many things to think about...things about "me." It's time to put me first.....
k8 kanguru	Re: I love a meth addict why am I miserable? *Quote:* It's so hard to "act" like I'm excited when people talk to me about the baby. Rose Y'know you wouldn't have to 'act' and you probably could be genuinely excited about your unborn child if you dropped every 'should' you have in relation to the baby's father. We could agree with you on all the shoulds you have about your addict. Yes he should be there for his child and it's mother. Yes he should feel obligated to financially support your child. Yes he should stop abusing meth. yes he should do the million and one other things a normal adult guy is 'supposed' to do. But the fact is you're dealing with a meth addict here and every one of those 'shoulds' you hang onto represents an expectation that has very slim chances of being met. The only thing you can expect from a meth addict is the unexpected. So the more 'shoulds' you hang onto, the more you're going to be hurt and disappointed. Your expectations = your suffering. Before it's even born, your baby is missing out because its mothers expectations about the way its father should behave are preventing her from welcoming his/her arrival with complete joy. Think about it, Rose. Where are you ordering your priorities and the focus of your attention? It only gets worse for you and this child from hereon in while there's an active addict in the picture.
kwalby	Re: I love a meth addict why am I miserable? RedRose, I have been where you are now. Except I was married to him for 19 years and have 2 daughters by him. Most people think I'm highly intelligent, responsible, and pretty much have it all together, and for 10 years I let myself stay trapped in his meth induced hell. I searched every spare moment for the magic answers to make him the man he "should" be. Endless hours on the net, searched for treatments and counselors, paid all his bills, sympathized, empathized, screamed, cried, pouted, on and on. I had descended in to a state where I could do little more than drag myself to work, then back to the research, and finally to bed. Sometimes I couldn't leave the bed. My girls learned to fend for themselves, even cooking for me and doing my laundry. I wanted to die, I wanted to come home and find him dead. My girls were all that kept me from harming myself or someone else. I had lost so much weight I looked like I was the one using. 2 1/2 years ago I finally got out. I had had the papers to file for divorce in a drawer for 10 years! I actually paid a lawyer twice to file. The second time I made the tough decision to do my own recovery. It's probably about as hard as recovering from any other addiction. But I stuck to it (and this board helped). Now 2 1/2 years later I can hardly recognize the person I once was. And I know now that he is not, was not "the love of my life". Just a user who would use whoever he could to support him and his addictions. When one person stopped he moved on to another victim. I wasn't "the love of his life", or his savior, just a willing victim. Listen to those of us that have been there and survived, Please, for your own sake, for your children, for your unborn child, get out NOW!! It might seem hard to do but trust me it is not more painful than staying, GET OUT and don't look back. Don't be here 5 years from now telling someone else how much you had to live through before saving yourself. Don't put your children trough the hell of living with addiction. I'm sorry this is so long, but I could go on for hours on just how important it is that you realize NOW that nothing is going to get better in this situation. There is life, good, happy life after an accusative relationship. I'm living it!
punkin41	Re: I love a meth addict why am I miserable? I love a meth addict also. I lost custody of my three children while trying to get a restraining order. I am still trying to get them back. I had a failure to appear on a misdemeanor charge. I was arrested at the place while picking up the order. My children were placed in protective custody. My BF's mother hired a lawyer to get custody of his son put did not my daughters. My children have been through so much and they are very brave if not traumatized be the CPS system. I will get them back but the damage is done. My advise is think of your children and get out do not look back like Lot's Wife or you could lose them. They need you more and are not abusing you but may end up abusing drugs themselves. Oh yeah, my BF is still not clean even though he is losing his son to the system. The drug is more powerful than you. Only he can defeat it. Get out and with your children and run do not look back if in ten years he is alive at least you have helped him by saving his child from his addiction. Focus on the children. CPS is not demanding drug testing because the case is against me I had custody of the children not him