KCI The Anti_Meth Site

Engaged to a meth addict - What should I do?

desaragrl	Is he going to quit meth? I'm engaged to a meth addict. I didn't know he was using until after we moved in together. He hides it very well. I still can't really tell if he is high or not. The only things that tip me off are glass pipes and baggies. He has been trying to quit for about a year now. It seems once a month I find something and he says it was just that one time or it was a little bit. He says, "I swear I'm going to quit" and "I mean it this time". I've broken up with him a few times over it. I hate drugs, never did them myself. I don't know what to do. This last time I told him that quitting on his own wasn't working so if he doesn't get help this time I'm leaving him. How long do I give him? I love him so much and this is the only problem that we have. He doesn't get weird or angry or act different. Never calls me names. A part of me wants to say oh well its not like he treats me bad or steals anything. At the same time I would like to marry this guy but I don't want to end up with a meth addict for life. When I say I want to grow old with him I don't want him to look 80 at the age of 40. What should I do? What kind of help should he get?
Replies...
forget suzette	Re: Is he going to quit meth? ..love is never "safe". it's about trust and bonding, intimacy, communication... ....common beliefs, and like behaviors. you are exposing your soft under belly, and giving your heart to someone and under the best of circumstances.... ....it's very frightening! look at it this way... ....you BF has a mutant head that you don't know about.. it whispers other ideas in his head, unlike ideas the "real" he would have.... ..the more he does meth the more his "true" head will shrink and the NEW demon head will grow... the bad thing is. you aren't in love with him.. ...you love the addicted him. so if/when he straitens out... ....he won't be this guy. if he continues to use... ...he will not be the same. it's very progressive. ...the more he is the other, the less he is himself when he comes down. My advice will be painful to your eyes... ...you'll think..."she doesn't know about us" ..well. I do. I have watched relationships dissolve in my hands... ....I watched years of me proving my loyalty, honesty, and monogamy shatter in an instant... ...as men I had known...decades of my life. that knew me as a kid...begin to really believe I was trying to hurt, humiliate, or deceive them. when you have been a good woman to a man and he tells you, he knows you don't love him, and you are betraying him. it's a very painful betrayal. I doubt my words can stop you from any thing. ...........no one ever changed another by will... it only builds resentment. but...I HOPE I can persuade you not to go that way. or at least REALLY think long and hard about it. life is Loooooooong when you make the wrong decision.. I wasted my WHOLE LIFE on DRUGS. .....drugs are all I had...and all I wanted. I'm qualified to give you the addict's side..... I would have no painful regret, and feelings of unaccomplishment and broken dreams, dark, despairing, emptiness, howling, perverted in ways that make you feel...deeply ill...things at your CORE that is YOU is betrayed...your soul hurts when it's worn thin. you feel ...OWNED. and whoever loves the addict is also haunted by DARK memories...that you can't get rid of that hurt deeply. ...and you look like an idiot to everyone that watched you self destructing. we are standing here watching you walk into a trap. ..and you don't believe us...that is so horrible! we all can see the Mack truck that is about to smash up your world, and change your life for the worst. I feel like maybe I died using meth sometimes, .... because no one ever hears me warning them! He won't quit. .....accept that. then decide what you want to do about it. good luck, welcome to the board.
Kell happy	Re: Is he going to quit meth? desaragrl, I used to use meth. I think your fiancé is telling you what he thinks you want to hear. That he's just done it "once" or "a little". Or that he "means it this time" when he says he'll quit. He may mean it, or want to mean it, at the time he says those things -- but probably not. When I was using, the only thing that mattered was that I could get high again. Nothing else really mattered. I stayed around people who made it easy, and avoided or cut off relationships with people who made it hard. Even though you've broken up with him over this, what he knows is that you've come back. So somehow, it's still easy enough for him to keep using when he's with you. As far as him not treating you bad, well, I'd say that the keyword in that situation is YET. He hasn't yelled or gotten weird or violent YET. It is possible. It can take time. It might never happen, but I wouldn't bet on it. I was a very, very mild-mannered, peace-loving girl when I started using and I became very aggressive. As far as getting help goes, he needs to want to get that help. There are a lot of options on kinds of help. Narcotics Anonymous, rehab, all kinds of stuff. I think that it's really good that you came here. There are a lot of people here with good hearts, and a lot of experience as addicts and loved ones of addicts. I hope you keep coming back here, because you can get a lot of support for yourself, feedback from other wives and girlfriends and loved ones of addicts, and a lot of input about what it's like to be an addict. I wish you all the best, and I hope that you will take good care of yourself through this whole thing.
coffee diva	Re: Is he going to quit meth? Hi and welcome, I am the wife of a meth addict. My addict had a year clean when we started dating and then he had another 4 years clean when we were together. He went on almost a 2 year run with drugs and is currently in recovery. It was hell while he was using, and I didn't have it near as bad as some others on the board. If I would have only been engaged to him at the time, I wouldn't have stayed with him. Not because I don't love him, because I do, but because it is not the life I want to live. *Quote:* I love him so much and this is the only problem that we have. He doesn't get weird or angry or act different. Never calls me names. A part of me wants to say oh well its not like he treats me bad or steals anything. At the same time I would like to marry this guy but I don't want to end up with a meth addict for life. It's a BIG HUGE MAJOR PROBLEM!!!! It would be different if your only problem was he left the toilet seat up. As far as him not getting weird or angry...just wait. It won't be long until he using all day everyday, until he can't function for one minute without it, until he starts becoming paranoid and delusional, until he is a freaking jerk when he is coming down. You don't want to end up with a meth addict for life, then I suggest you break it off right now, before you get married, before you have kids together. You read some of my story, believe me, you don't want the life that you are going to have. No more chances. Either rehab or he moves out. You need to love YOU enough to do this. NOTHING you say NOTHING you do NOTHING you threaten will matter to him unless he truly is ready and wants to quit. NOTHING. You need to look beyond the love of HIM and look inside YOURSELF to find the love for YOU. Keep coming here. There's lots of support and lots of help.
Tender heartsKS	Re: Is he going to quit meth? Suz, that was a truly profound post. Gave me goose bumps. You done good, girl
forget suzette	Re: Is he going to quit meth? thanks tenderheart... ...you know why I'm so cool right? LOL!
EyesWide Open	Re: Is he going to quit meth? Suzette- Your post brought tears to my eyes. The truth can sometimes be too painful to hear and accept but reading your words hit home for me. Especially when you said: "I wasted my WHOLE LIFE on DRUGS. .....drugs are all I had...and all I wanted. I'm qualified to give you the addict's side..... I would have no painful regret, and feelings of unaccomplishment and broken dreams, dark, despairing, emptiness, howling, perverted in ways that make you feel...deeply ill...things at your CORE that is YOU is betrayed...your soul hurts when it's worn thin. you feel ...OWNED." I got to that place with my addiction as well and now I'm scared to death that I betrayed my own self so badly during that time that I will never truly get back to the real "me" again. It's hard to live with myself now after everything that I've done. I can't forgive myself. I know it takes time but right now I feel such an aching hurt inside.