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My loved one is on meth


wendy My loved one is on meth
Well i was dating this guy, my first love. I started dating him when i was 18 and I'm now 23. When we first began dating i drank and smoked weed. That's all i had done. And he was actually a friend i hung out with for a year or so that i partied with before we started dating. I knew he had a previous meth problem. Although he was clean for about 6 months when we began dating. I had no idea the seriousness of meth. We had a great relationship for about 8 months until his habit grew and I didn't understand what was going on why I didn't hear from him for weeks or see him for weeks. Then on our one year anniversary I went to pick him up from his friends house he was trashed on meth. The cops came and kicked in the door and arrested him. Thank god they knew I wasn't a part of it. He went to prison for the the next 2 years, and stupidly I was in love with him and thought if I waited and supported him it would motivate him to change his life when he got out of prison. The two years came and went and we were together again. He did great for about 6 months or 7 months. Until one day i started noticing all the signs. And eventually caught him with meth. The following 5 months were hell. Back and forth he would lie to me and tell me he had quit or was going to quit and that he loved me and didn't want to lose me. But a week later he would be back at it again. Then I found out he was cheating on me too. I was devastated after all i had done for him. I stood by him and believed in him and he went back to meth and cheated on me too. Needless to say i fell into quite a depression. We have been apart for i guess 5 or 6 months now. However, he calls every now and then and tells me he loves me and he's really sorry for what he did to me and he was a horrible boyfriend and all the while i know he has other girlfriends. One week ago he called to tell me he loved me and that he hadn't forgot about me. Then last night he calls and asks me to tell his girlfriend he didn't say those things to me. I was so mad and so sad. Cause I wanted so much to believe the words he said to me about him wanting to quit meth and be with me then calls and says he doesn't remember talking to me numerous times in the last few weeks and to tell his girlfriend that he hadn't. I'm so heartbroken and i want to help him cause i know he is ruining his life. And i am still in love with him but I know i cant keep dealing with this I've been by his side for many years and have loved him for the last 5 years. I know i should just let go and walk away. But its so hard to walk away from him without knowing he will be ok and its hard to walk away from someone i love so much. Does anyone have any advice?
     Replies...
ms
pickle42
Re: My loved one is on meth
You're too young and life is too short to spend any more of your time, energy and thoughts on this guy.

You will see for yourself -- the world is pretty big, and there are too many guys, who don't even know what meth is, nor even think of trying it.

Good Luck!

luve
piphany
Re: My loved one is on meth
Wendy, I agree with MsPickle. I am much older than you (the same thing happens no matter what age) and all I can say is, "I should have known better" and maybe I knew some things better, the key was, I didn't know my Self better.

Something that might change the rest of your life is Alanon. There is a very distinct reason that we love addicts and we almost always find that reason in Alanon as we get to know ourselves and love ourselves. We also learn in Alanon-deep in our souls-that WE Didn't Cause the Addiction/Alcoholism, WE Can't Control the Addict/Alcoholic (cause they are SICK), and WE Can't Cure them. They have to do it by themselves for themselves.

The book, Codependent No More is a great one for recognizing why we love an addict and why we forget who we really are in the process.
You have obviously done your time with the pain.
I'm sorry you are wrapped up in the destruction of meth. You are not alone.

There ARE many men out there who do not do meth and never will. Please think of the Possibilities for Your Self-they are HUGE!

Stick around here and you will find the support but think about Alanon too-it might just open up a whole new world of Love.

Morph
24
Re: My loved one is on meth
well Wendy are you wanting to leave? what does your gut say? can you really trust him again when he is on meth? he probably doesn't know the truth from the lies anymore. i was very delusional when i got towards the end. do you feel that you can change him? I'll let you know one thing nothing will change while he is on meth it will only get worse. i just hope you get out before he starts kicking down your door. i heard many stories about abusive relationships on here were the guys are completely crazy. i am not saying he is like that now but at a certain point the paranoia turns into blind rage. i know from experience. the black outs are the worse. but i know your a good person to have cared for him this long. but you got to when when your helping isn't going to help him. he can only help himself now. i hope you go to alonon. its good to reach out like you did here. but on here you can be anonymous and not really do what you say your going to do. if you have real friendships built up in alonon i think your grow into the person you wannabe faster. plus you'll have all these great friends who went threw the same kind of thing you went threw and know what to do. well gl and have great day.

So much
guilt
Re: My loved one is on meth
Wendy,
I'm so sorry for what you've been thru. Truly the best thing for you is to walk away from this guy and keep your strength up. Until he's ready to stop using, there is nothing you can do for him. Meth kills and meth lies. He will only bring you down if you continue to stay in his life. He might not remember saying those things to you. This is what meth does to the brain. And addicts are habitually liars. They lie so much they can't remember what they've said. I'm truly sorry. Continue to stay on this site and try to get involved in some support groups yourself. My 22 year old Austin took his life this past August. Meth killed him. He couldn't live with it or without it. Eventually everybody who does meth and everything around them is destroyed. Continue to become educated on meth. Visit my son's website, light a candle, read his story and use Austin's story as strength to you to know you can't allow yourself to be involved with a meth addict.
www.austin-hesse.last-memories.com
I'll be praying for you.
Please keep in touch and take care of yourself.

nine
years
clean
Re: My loved one is on meth
Hello Sweetheart, and welcome to the forum. There are many loved ones of addicts here who can guide you as best they can down this awful path you are on.

My name is Lori and I was a meth addict. I've been clean for 10+ years now, and here's my thinking:
Quote:
We have been apart for i guess 5 or 6 months now. However, he calls every now and then and tells me he loves me and he's really sorry for what he did to me and he was a horrible boyfriend and all the while i know he has other girlfriends. One week ago he called to tell me he loved me and that he hadn't forgot about me. Then last night he calls and asks me to tell his girlfriend he didn't say those things to me. I was so mad and so sad.

This guy is a master manipulator, as most meth addicts are. They want it all. They want their dope FIRST and FOREMOST, they want their dope whores, then, they want to kid themselves into believing that they deserve to have a normal life as well, with someone else, like you.

The truth of the matter is, this guy is dangling you on a string, and you are allowing him and his addiction to control you. You are young, and you don't need to go down this path with this boy, and that's what he is right now, a little boy who wants to have his cake and eat it too.

You being there for him is not doing you any good, and please, don't kid yourself into thinking that it is doing HIM any good either.

To him, it's a game. He's toying with you. My best advice is this: run in like hell in the opposite direction and never, never look back.

Quote:
But its so hard to walk away from him without knowing he will be ok and its hard to walk away from someone i love so much. Does anyone have any advice?

Yes, it is hard to walk away from people you love, but don't think for one minute that if you stay on the fringes of his life that will make him okay. It won't.

My advice isn't to walk away...my advice is to run the hell away. Sincerely. We don't get better until we want to get better, and he is not asking for your help to get better. He's asking you to help justify his addiction. That is not helping him whatsoever, and it is going to damage you just as if you were addicted to meth yourself.

Run like hell, sweetheart. There are plenty of good, clean, honest, loyal, decent young men out there. You've seen the dark side of life, now go out there and learn to live on the bright side of life, because you deserve it.

Bent
But
Not
Broken1
Re: My loved one is on meth
Wendy-
Are you still using meth?
Were you his first love?
Love can be a strong reason for someone to get clean and stay clean. I'll reply later after you answer my questions.

Welcome to KCI...pull up a chair and make yourself at home.

Loraura Re: My loved one is on meth
Quote:
I know i should just let go and walk away.

You're right.
Some things in life, that we know we must do, are incredibly difficult to do.
You need to let him be a part of your past, and move on.

vctry7 Re: My loved one is on meth
You need to stay away from him. You aren't married and don't have children. You are young and can cut your ties and get on with your life.

He can only save himself. I have been a loved one and an addict. It was only because we wanted to get clean ourselves that we did.

coffee
diva
Re: My loved one is on meth
Hello and welcome.
As much as it hurts to watch someone we love destroy themselves, you have to let go. I am the wife of an addict, currently abstaining. As a loved one, we CANNOT love them better.

This quote:
Quote:
Love can be a strong reason for someone to get clean and stay clean.


Is only relevant for the addict themselves. Until they love themselves more than they love the meth, until the meth takes away more than they can give will they quit.

No matter how much we (the loved ones) try to show them all the love and support we can, it is up to the ADDICT alone to change. And when we lose ourselves in worrying about the addict, we become just as sick as they are.

You are not married and do not have children with him. I am not undermining the love you have for him....5 years is a lot of time and emotional investment....but, you cannot fix this for him. And it would be best if you just loved him from a distance and moved on in your own life.

vctry7 Re: My loved one is on meth
Quote:
I am not undermining the love you have for him

I'm sorry, Wendy, if that is what it seemed like I was doing. That wasn't my intention.

chick
peakiwi
Re: My loved one is on meth
Hi Wendy,
Almost a year ago I "walked" away from my addict ex. He was my "first love" too. And I have to disagree with the below comment
Quote:
Love can be a strong reason for someone to get clean and stay clean.
You cannot love someone clean...IMHO. Although I thought I could. We all think we can but as time goes by you start to realize that addiction is a disease that only the addict can fix.

In fact my relationship was based on a rekindled high school relationship, he was my hs sweetheart, and we are in our thirties! Our love for each other didn't stop him from using. He knew how I felt about drugs and that I wouldn't compromise my values, morals and standards. He had been warned that if his "former" meth habit came into our lives, there would be no more "US".... he still used and still continues to use. And I have stuck to my decision and walked away...it's been nearly a year and nothing has changed for him, he only appears in my life now when he is down on his luck or when he has had a fight with his current user g/f!! Drama, drama, drama that is all you can expect from an active addict.

Quote:


They want their dope FIRST and FOREMOST, they want their dope whores, then, they want to kid themselves into believing that they deserve to have a normal life as well, with someone else, like you.

That was me too!! I was the "someone else" who had the "normal" life that he wanted so bad but he also wanted his cake too.. (meth).

I too was cheated (betrayed) in more ways than one, after I discovered his use and asked him to leave my home (he was living with me), he decided to "cheat" on me with a fellow user (I won't use the term dope whore) and he is now living with another user g/f.

You see your story isn't unique and neither is the advice you are getting from everyone here, heck I was given the exact same advice when I first came to KCI and although it has been a tough drawn out process to walk away and move on it has been truly worth it. Work on you first & foremost, we loved ones also have to recover. this is very important. Do seek out a support group or just stick around here.
That is what worked for me.

Also try not to get caught up in the "game" of the addict BS while you are trying to detach, I did and it DID make me as sick as him, by the end of it I had the same negative side effects as a user....dramatically lost weight, lack of sleep, full of anxiety, paranoid, depressed and you can guess the rest.

Listen to the advice you have already been given, we do know what we are talking about. Stick around here and learn, learn, learn.
Best of luck

writerjp Re: My loved one is on meth
Listen to Ms. Pickle. You cannot help someone who does not want to help themselves. You have done what you can. You need to move on and realize that there are WAY too many guys out there. I found my husband and if I can find the right person for me after all of the crap I have done to my friends and family, I know that you will find the right person. Especially since you seem to actually be a good person. Good luck with everything, it will be hard but you will feel better in the long run my dear. Welcome to KCI by the way!

wendy Thank you
Thank you all so much for advice and opinions. I know that I don't have children with him nor am I married to him, but I still care for him beyond belief. I've been trying to move on for a while. It's hard. I think I have made a little progress I suppose.

Sometimes I feel a little better than I used to. Sometimes I don't feel so sad. But he still lingers in the back of my mind throughout everyday. I wonder where he's at, if he's ok. Still hoping he will call or show up and ask me to check him in somewhere for help. I know in my mind to walk away that it's pretty much hopeless. But my heart doesn't agree with that.

I have even been out on dates with other guys just hoping it would help me forget about him. And I find myself still thinking of him on dates. And the dates never get further than like 2 dates and I don't talk to them ever again, because I'm still in love with this meth addicted guy.

The thing is he helped me get my life on a better track. I guess a part of me wants to help him the way he helped me. But I know it's more of the fact that I love him. And do wish it was enough to make him stop. I wish everyday that if he just loved me enough, loved himself enough it would be enough to save him.

I did smoke weed for a while and drank but that was it and i was never was addicted to drugs but I had dropped out of high school. He helped me realized I could do more with my life and I got my diploma and just recently graduated with an associates. But I was too worried about him to even care about graduating. I just feel like I have been stuck in this dark place for so long, and I can't get out of it. It is like one of you said "Caring about them is like being addicted to meth yourself" I really think it has torn me apart.

He used to be so different when he wasn't on drugs. That's one thing that kills me. I know underneath the meth, he's a good person. He was my best friend. I do everyday wish that there were someway I could get through to him, someway to help him wake up and see that there is so much more to life than meth. And at this point I feel like I'm stuck between loving him and letting him go. I try to see other people but hold myself back hoping that he will come back to me realizing he needs help. And every time he calls and tells me that he loves me, misses me and realizes he messed up it "toy" with me and my emotions as another of you posted on here.

I know what to do, to let him go. But my heart says to help him, that no one else will if I don't, and I could never forgive myself if something happened to him and I wasn't there. Then again I have been there for him for a long time and it has done no good. I just hate this drug. I have never done it, so I will never understand it I suppose. But I hate it, I wish it had never been invented because it tore us apart from each other, and it's ruining his life.

And I know it has ruined many others from reading others posts on here. It's such an evil drug. It still breaks my heart everyday. I remember what we used to have, how he used to be. But he became like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde I never knew which one of him I was going to get. The sober him or the meth addict him. I love the sober him and hate the meth him. It is still that way to this day. Sometimes he is nice and seems normal, and sometimes he just seems crazy and so far from being himself.

One of you said that he wants both lives he wants to have meth and all his little girlfriend meth heads, but wants to have me and a normal life too. I don't know if that is why he still calls because he wants to know I will be there waiting for whenever he decides to clean his act up and have a normal life. But it is like he has me dangling from a string and it's not fair because I truly love him and want to help him and it makes me mad that I do care for him so much. Honestly I wish I didn't sometimes, but I do. But logically it's really stupid for me to waste so much time of my life on him when he's not even making an effort to get help, to change. But like I said it's still hard to walk away from the person I love.  
wendy Re: My loved one is on meth
nineyearsclean:
"I don't think you should walk away, I think you should run the hell away"

As sad as I am that actually made me chuckle a little. So thanks I needed the laugh  But it's still really hard to go through all of this, I miss him and love him with all my heart and just wish things were different that they weren't so messed up, that he wasn't addicted or that I could change things and he wouldn't be.

luve
piphany
Re: My loved one is on meth
Morning Wendy!
Aren't you wonderful to have graduated with associates! Excellent! Your world is wide open now. It is most important to keep sharing your thoughts and feelings with people who understand so please stick around.

Meth addiction has a sad pattern and usually gets worse than you could ever imagine. It is mean and tricky, ugly and evil and those of us who have loved an addict often get sick right along with them. Guard your love and treasure it-be stingy with it as you will need all that you have as the addict walks the meth path.

writerjp Re: My loved one is on meth
Congratulations on graduating! That is awesome news! Time will heal all of your pain.

wendy Re: My loved one is on meth
Thanks you guys  for the support and the congrats. I have kept everything about him and meth bottled up for a long time, it's really nice to finally have a place to come and talk where people understand

lynne Re: My loved one is on meth
change your phone number then you don't have to torture yourself waiting for him to call. change your contact info and then you can stop him from getting through.
break up with him, tell him not to call.
if anything it's more of a challenge , perhaps a challenge to clean up his act.
even in his meth addled brain, he will have more respect for you if you stand up for yourself.
i had the exact same problem with a meth man. and i am glad it's over. he is can only hurt my own life which is still blossoming.
he isn't anymore. his is a sick life i would not want to lead. and they'll not get off meth which means they will continue to cheat, lie and use you. mine did that too and it got to be so depressing being rejected and treated like that by him. i did not deserve it. who wants to be kicked in the teeth everyday? it DESTROYS your self esteem! maybe one day he will clean up his act but you have done enough for him. don't go down with him. let him recover and come to you. 

Bent
But
Not
Broken1
Re: My loved one is on meth
Wendy-
Since I've already been disagreed with, I'll tell you what I did for my male friend who was formerly a meth addict. Yes, I did get as sick as he was. How? Well......when he'd sleep, I stole meth...the more I stole, the more I figured I'd scare him clean. I had me a stockpile too. I stole a glass pipe and learned by watching him from a distance how to "run" tinfoil at first...then upped it to the pipe. he taught me well, indeed. he always had *the* best ice/meth...good stuff. Sent his and many others worlds rocking/high. I couldn't get high because of 2 medical illnesses...meth just gave me VERY FALSE energy...among other things meth stole from me (list is too long).
One night, I had evidently gotten some "bad" meth/ice. I wasn't feeling well at all, and if I coulda hollered "Mom, help me" I would have. I was so scared and knew not a darn thing about meth...except they rushed/buzzed/got high--and I didn't. I felt cheated by meth. Anyhow, this "bad" meth had me scared.
I sat right here and googled meth.....found KCI. I read and read and read the personal stories. I wished I could have puked Wendy! That's probably the closest I've ever come to "self-induced" throwing up.....but I needed to read and learn...so I still stayed.

I also still smoked my meth stash I stole--yeah I'm a thief. I'd like to know how many dollars that really would have been of money I work hard for now. Well, the old FAQ's: one was about a Police Officer asking you to "try on" his shoes. He let someone high on meth slide and questioned if he did the right thing or not. I felt my heart jump out of my chest as I read that old FAQ. Why?

The night I drove home from seeing him with all the stuff ready to do a cooking...and knew how he got that stuff, knew finally how he got all those new cars, that was the one and only night I was smoked up around him. See, I smoked alone-I was embarrassed even then doing meth. On my drive home, I swear I "saw" me hit a police officer. It was so real I had to pull over to the side/shoulder of the road and look to see where he was. There wasn't a cop Wendy...I was tripping on bad meth-nasty meth (not that any is clean). So yes, KCI scared me into quitting meth. September 30, 2006 at midnight is my first clean day. Right here behind my computer screen.

Someone had a good thread going...and it was how to help an addict...I know Reason made an excellent post in that thread-but not one I listened to. Instead, I made a list of all the good, true, positive, honest qualities/traits/skills and talents he possesses...not one bit of BS. I went with a few choice print-outs from here and met him two weeks later...as in me 4 weeks-almost clean.

We've been friends for 24 years. I confronted him. I told him all I knew then about meth. I told him he had two choices-rehab/medical help, or I'd call the cops on both of us and we'd go to jail together. I gave him a time limit too. Before I left, we laughed, talked, cried...normal human interactions. As I left, I tucked that note in his jacket and said call when you have your decision-either way.
Understand Wendy, I meant exactly what I said too.

The next day he did call...he said "I surrendered...get me to a doctor. I'm tired." I had all things in place and ready to go too. He got to the doctor that day and as far as I know, he is still meth-free.

Wendy-his wife left him, his parents buried their heads in the sand of denial, his former friends were no where to be found-except me. I don't blame them in hindsight. I know it could have gone just the opposite too. I was prepared either way.

Are we together now? No. Why? Because *MY* recovery is for ME this time......no one else. I haven't a clue what the future holds and in all honesty...I've given him to God. He's working the CR 12 Steps and seeing a therapist like me, but not us together. The only together is during the first part of our Celebrate Recovery meetings...then the men and women each go their own ways to finish out a meeting.

Unlike the addict I was, selfish addict--my recovery is completely for me...but I do still serve and care for other's on both sides.....addict and loved ones. It's a way I ensure staying on the clean path I'm on now.

It all boils down to what you want to do. Either road is hard. Yes, I'd do it over again......only sooner this time. I have no regrets. Even meth was a blessing once I quit. No, that's no screwed up thinking. I brought me to flat on my back looking up to God.....someone I had forgotten...yet He never forgot me-never!

We can't make your decision-only you can. We will love and care for you no matter what you decide to do. Thank you for taking the time to read this long post. Still, it's your call...no one else's!

Please read the following 2 websites-the first one is a must read for knowledge...the second could be an avenue by which you recover and heal. It's working for me. 109 days ago, I'd of said you were nuts. The links are below:

www.sfjaye.freewebspace.com

www.celebraterecovery.com

Welcome to KCI Wendy......may you find healing and hope. Ask, vent, make yourself at home.

We DO recover.
As long as there is breathe, there is hope.

Hugs, Love, and Prayers,
working the 12 Steps of Celebrate Recovery

WAITING
AND
WATCHING
Re: My loved one is on meth
Wendy, I too know what you are feeling & going thru. My husband/best friend of 13 years has turned into a meth head addict. He lies, cheats, accuses everyone of not being a good enough friend, all his problems, loss of job, $, house, car, friends, is everyone else's fault & he is the good guy & he wants his cake, meth & dope whores too & yet kept coming back to me. I have lived in that dark place for a long time too but I finally realized I had to walk on with my kids into the light. He too is a Jekyll & Hyde, loving me one minute then running over to his girlfriends house or his meth user buddies houses. I too know that underneath there is a good person & the man I still love. It kills me & I want to help him so badly.

See also:

A plan for helping a loved one who uses meth

How can we, as loved ones, help meth addicts?

Engaged to a meth addict - What should I do?


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