KCI The Anti_Meth Site

Boyfriend meth addicted: How do I save our relationship?

mason 0101	Boyfriend meth addicted: How do I save our relationship? Hi- I am brand new and looking for some help, I have read some of the postings prior and they all tell the story of my own life. I am not an addict myself, actually I am not a meth addict but I supose that in some other form I am an addict too. Here's my story: I had been living with my boyfriend for about six months when I found his pipe. When confronted he was uncensored in telling me everything, he was a frequent user and had been the entire time I had been dating him. He actually said that he was relieved to finally get caught. Then came the initial promises of quiting. I found pipes three more times after that. I became almost obssessed with searching for paraphanilia. Everytime he left the house I would do my madding painful search. He said he tried to quit and could'nt. So I was just going to have to deal with it. And I tried, I even snorted lines with him just so I could try and relate and hang out with him. One night after going on a five day binge he saw some sort of light. He realized what he was doing and the pain it was causing him and I. He made me smash all his pipes (something I get my own high off doing) I made him sit with a notebook and write down everything he was feeling, being high as a kite he went on for pages. After that things got better we fell in love all over again, he got a new wonderful job, we moved to an amazing house, and I got pregnant, planned. About a month ago he injured his knee, was in the hospital for a week and hasn't been back to work since. Some of his old friends began coming around again. And I knew. I started the mad hunt of the house again. And sure enough this weekend found another pipe. When confronted initially he swore it was not his. This was the first time I grew trtully angery. I insisted that the "meth-fairy" had not visited our house, and that the pipe had not been there before. Admiting that I had looked there before. This outraged him. How dare I snoop around. I was called everyname in the book and then he left. When he came home I knew he was high, again. He was up all night, and so was I just listening to him roam around the house. This morning I asked him to sit and talk with me and he did. We both layed in bed crying and holding each other. He knows he's going down that distructive path again. He has had issues with depression before. He was even locked up in a mental institute for a while because he tried to kill himself. I will not leave him. I chose to be with this man because I love him reguardless of his addiction. But now I am pregnant and I can't seem to help him anymore. This morning he told me though his tears "I don't want to die" I told him he can't because I need him. he reponded with "I know" What does it take to turn around off that path again? I refuse to give up on him.
Replies...
Loraura	Re: Boyfriend meth addicted: How do I save our relationship? Quote: I will not leave him. I chose to be with this man because I love him reguardless of his addiction. But... There can be no "but". If you will not leave him, then you must accept his choices as his own, and that he will only change when he wants too badly enough. Knowing that he needs to quit is NOT the same thing as wanting to quit.
mason 0101	Re: Boyfriend meth addicted: How do I save our relationship? Thanks for the support. One of the worst parts about all this is having no one to talk too. This is not exactly the kind of thing I would discuss with family or even close friends. I know it has no reflection on me but you still have that stigma of being ashamed. Let me clarify though I am not ashamed of loving him. I pray alot more now then I ever used to.
SOS 1988	Re: Boyfriend meth addicted: How do I save our relationship? When he does quit, you're gonna see a huge change in behavior and its not going to be fun. It takes a long time getting better and most people @#%$ up for years and years. Look up symptoms of meth withdrawal and paws...get educated about it. You can't save "us" you can give him support, but thats about it; i dont know if he tried to get off it before but you'd be surprised just how addictive it really is. If things continue to go sour look up codependancy, go to support groups like alanon and all that stuff. my take on it....
BentBut Not Broken1	Re: Boyfriend meth addicted: How do I save our relationship? He said he didn't want to die and acknowledged that you and the baby need him. Would he consider getting help to overcome his addiction? It's good that you aren't ashamed of your love for him and that you are a praying woman. Those things are in his favor because many lose the one's that love them and some may never be prayed for. I believe miracles still can and do happen. Depending on how long and how heavy he's used, his withdrawal may not be all that bad. Babies have turned others lives around--maybe that's part of the larger plan? Learn, talk, vent, share...and keep loving and praying.
coffee diva	Re: Boyfriend meth addicted: How do I save our relationship? Hey there, Welcome. I am the wife of a recovering user. When I came here over a year ago, I was just like you...obsessing, searching, frantic, desparate. I felt like my life was spiraling out of control....and it was. Until I started to work on ME and LET GO of him. I don't mean let go as in leaving...I meant letting go of the need to control and fix the situation. Once I learned the 3 C's...you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it..and truly began to apply them, I started to get better. Addiction is an ugly thing and we loved ones can become just as sick as our addicts. We lose focus on everything else but them and their addiction, how we are going to fix them, make it better for them, love them well. That's not the way it works. We can't love them well. We can love them until they love themselves enough to want to quit, but ultimately, on THEY can make the choice to quit or not. You can do some things like making sure your finances are separate. Make sure that you have your own source of income. Control your finances. Don't enable him by giving him money. Let him know that you love him, but you can't have meth in the house. You have a baby on the way. No drugs in the house. Only you can decide what the boundaries for your relationship will be. But remember to put you and the baby first. Heal you first. You cannot be there for him unless you are well yourself. Keep coming here. Learn everything you can about meth addiction. It will help you understand hour BF better. I know it was a HUGE help for me in delaing with my hubby.
mlg	Re: Boyfriend meth addicted: How do I save our relationship? I have to totally agree with coffeediva. Our daughter is an only child. I think the fact that she felt we would do ANYTHING to keep our relationship with her, in spite of her getting sicker and sicker with addiction, kept her staying sicker and sicker. Once my husband and I totally LET GO, turned it over to God, and let her know that even though she is our only child, we were finally willing to STOP having a relationship with her as a user. It was too painful, and wrecked havoc on us physically and emotionally. That's when we finally did Al-Anon/Nar-Anon, and became healthy ourselves. She has now been embracing recovery since Oct. 23rd. It was painful for us, but so worthy it in the long run. Had we not LET GO, she might very well still be on the path of addiction, let alone not be alive. Meth did its final toll on her, after 15 yrs. of alcohol/drugs.
kcbee	Re: Boyfriend meth addicted: How do I save our relationship? I'm right there with you. I feel like we're living the same situation here, only you're having a baby. I can't give any real words of wisdom here because I too am so new to all of this. But I can tell you that this group has a way of helping like you wouldn't believe. And pretty soon, you'll feel like they're a whole new family, just like I do. Take care of your baby. Take care of you. And don't give up on him.
mason 0101	Re: Boyfriend meth addicted: How do I save our relationship? Thank you sooooooo much to everyone for your support. It means so much. I don't feel like a lone soldier so much. I see how many other people go through the same things that I am. God never gives you more than you can handle right?
nine years clean	Re: Boyfriend meth addicted: How do I save our relationship? Hello and welcome. Quote: how do I save us? You can't. Sorry. The sooner you accept that fact, the better off you, and your unborn baby, will be. You can fix you, and that is all. That is not just my opinion. That is what is. If I were you, my priority would be on the health and well being of my child. In order to protect your child properly, both in and outside the womb, you must be well yourself, emotionally and physically. A loved one's meth addiction will damage you as much, if not more, than it is damaging them. You are already sucked into the addictive behavior; you know the drill; you search the house; you listen to him up all night; then when he's coming down, you hold him when he cries. There is already a pattern, and soon you will become as sick as he is. Personally, I don't think you can afford to do that AND keep your baby as your number one priority. I believe in recovery from meth. I believe in beleiving in someone who is doing all they can to get and stay clean. But I do not believe that anything or anyone should come before your baby, not even YOU, or your love for this man. This is what mother's do: they put the well being of their children BEFORE their own needs and wants. It is not too late for you to set boundaries where he and his drug of choice are concerned. Living with someone who is actively using meth is dangerous. Meth increases violent tendencies and aggressiveness; fellow tweakers who visit your home may be psychotic and or delusional; not to mention the environmental aspect of actually having the chemical in your home, in the air, on surfaces, etc. I don't believe in ultimatums, but if I were you, I'd tell him that until he gets into a program of diligent recovery and proves that getting well so that he can be the kind of father your child deserves is his number one priority, then he must live elsewhere. It is his choice to get well or not, but it is YOUR choice whether or not to put yourself and your baby in peril, and living with a meth addict is definitely perilous. My name is Lori; I was addicted to meth for 13 long years and I'll celebrate 11 years clean on July 1st. We DO recover, but first we must WANT TO, and next we must ACT on that want to. ps: I feel that I should tell you that during my 13 year run with meth, I DID NOT put my child first, and that is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. You don't want to have to live with that kind of regret. Trust me.
mason 0101	Re: Boyfriend meth addicted: How do I save our relationship? I know I can't make him do anything he isn't willing to do. That fact rings loud and clear. Question though for recovering addicts... Was it easier for you to quit with the support of those who loved you, or did it really take losing everything?
nine years clean	Re: Boyfriend meth addicted: How do I save our relationship? Quote: or did it really take losing everything? I lost EVERYTHING, including my freedom. I nearly lost my life.
vctry7	Re: Boyfriend meth addicted: How do I save our relationship? Quote: Was it easier for you to quit with the support of those who loved you, or did it really take losing everything? I didn't have any support at all when I quit - except from God. There was no one to tell me they loved me, rub my hair, bring me something to eat or drink, make sure I was warm and safe, take me to a doctor, tell me it was going to be okay, let me cry on their shoulder - nothing. My husband was supposed to quit with me, but didn't. I was going to leave him to save myself and children and then he quit. To be honest, I think he has as much chance quitting with your support as he does without anyone. In the end, it's all up to him.
kmb 2006	Re: Boyfriend meth addicted: How do I save our relationship? I'll just throw in my $.02 here. I just went through this - kinda. My husband is a recovering addict (7 months clean today). Our son is 7 months and 1 week old today. I had 2 babies during my husband's active addiction. After our first child was born, he kept using. He missed the birth. I ended up moving all of us away from the situation when she was a few weeks old. That was really tough. He came with us, abstained for a year, and then was right back at it. Then I was pregnant again. We were already separated (he left me early in the pregnany for another user), but a few miles wasn't enough space for me to get emotionally balanced. I had to leave the state 2 days after giving birth to get enough physical distance to make a difference for me. It was really hard to be on the run with a newborn and a toddler - leaving all of our belongings behind and making a 100% mile car trip. I did it for me, not to try to get him to hit bottom. I had no intention of looking back. As it turned out, it did make him hit bottom. He thought he would never see us again and checked himself into rehab. It would have been SO much easier if I had done that sooner - in both cases. Yeah - I should have left sooner. I know you don't want to leave, but like 9 and T said, it is your duty as a mother to put your child first. And leaving doesn't mean severing the relationship - it means getting enough physical distance so that becoming more emotionally distant (letting go - detaching) is easier. It's MUCH harder when it's constantly in your face. And it's even THAT much harder when you're torn up from childbirth, physically and emotionally exhausted, hormonally imbalanced, and super-super sensitive. Add to that a crashing addict who can't help and gets very upset when his crash is disturbed by a crying baby - well, it's bad. I can attest to that. It's just bad. Trust me on this, a newborn in this situation is like gasoline on an already raging fire. I sincerely hope, for yours and your baby's sake, that you get yourself out of the situation until he can get clean. This is a very, very special time in your life - please, please try to do what you can to keep these memories as pure as possible. My addict "ruined" both of my births (unintentionally - I know in my heart he would have done the right thing if he could have). I have had to mentally edit those memories to make them beautiful and magical. My children will never know what really happened on thier birth days. As it is, whenever I think about the day my children were born, I have this garbage that goes with it. If someone were to ask me what the best days and the worst days of my life were, I would have the same answer to both. The day my babies were born. That is just sad. Anyway, like I said, he's sober and recovering now. Our family is back together, stronger than ever. Separation didn't mean divorce. It meant getting enough space to keep from making a bad situation even worse.
vctry7	Re: Boyfriend meth addicted: How do I save our relationship? I've never known a baby to make a man quit using meth. I'm sure it's happened, just not to anyone I know. Even if it was possible, gambling with a baby's life and future are wrong. It's a risk they didn't choose to take.
luvepi phany	Re: Boyfriend meth addicted: How do I save our relationship? Now, with all that loving wisdom given, PLEASE know that just because YOU may or may not be an important part of your husband choosing to quit meth, YOU are still an IMPORTANT part of his life...YOU are carrying his child, YOU are loved, YOU are beautiful and loving and giving and successful. YOU are separate from his meth addiction. His addiction is HIS addiction and how great HE will be if HE deals with it and QUITS on his own for HIMSELF and then comes to you with his offering of life. Helping someone we love get clean is NOT a measure of our worth. If you do help him, it will have to be a gift-free-unconditional and the reward will have to be in your heart. I say this because if we base our decisions and self-love on someone elses battle outcomes, we set ourselves up for the possible terrible disappointment. If we give up all control over others, we relieve ourselves from responsibility and we are free to be all that we were created to be. I truly believe that the greatest gift we can give the addict's we love is the chance to OWN their own triumphs and failures as well. How great the burden they would have if they had to live in debt to others the rest of their lives. I see the recovering addicts having more strength and power to endure life after meth if they can know that they are loved and are just fine with only themselves and their God. If we all can know that, then life can be good. There is also the fact that men and women are different in many ways regardless of a meth addiction. I do believe that men really need to do many more things on their own to become men-yes, it pisses me off and it certainly isn't the way I would do things, but that's the way it is. Being a mother IS the most important job you will ever have and I pray the baby won't be colicky...like both of mine were Oh, and my late husband was gone a lot when I was pregnant and after babies were born-no meth addiction, just working out of state and it was hard, but I did just fine. I grew in amazing ways and have drawn on that strength MUCH through the years. I look back and am thankful for the trials and the heartache.
loverof ameth addict	Re: Boyfriend meth addicted: How do I save our relationship? When we do for other people what they should do for themselves, we both stay stuck. Perhaps it's human nature to grow and change only when we have to. Unrelenting pain can serve as a motivator. Sometimes ultimatums are effective too. But making excuses for others or taking over their responsibilities, even when it's for their benefit, never inspires change. Most of us came into the program because we wanted someone else to change! Now we're learning that the only change we can be certain of is one we make in ourselves. One of the first changes we can make is to let go of others: their opinions, their behavior, and their responsibilities. Our need for them to fulfill our expectations is related to our insecurity, not theirs. Every time we preach or take on others' duties, we must recognize that we are preventing much-needed growth, ours and theirs. Our intentions might always have been good. But the time has come to let others live their own lives. It's quite enough to take care of ourselves. I will not do someone else's task today. Growth comes from each of us being responsible for ourselves.