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Once an addict, always an addict
Tender
hearts
KS |
Once an addict, always an addict
I am an addict. I always will be. I hope to remain a
clean addict, one day at a time.
You see, the addict part of me lives in the back of my
brain, in the darkness, waiting for me to become less
vigilant, complacent, not needing to do the things I
have done all these years in order to stay clean.
I read a post like Shane's this morning where a friend
of his, after one year clean, decides to go back out and
use, and dies.
That confirms for me that 'once an addict, always an
addict'. There is no starting over when I go back out
there. The addict in the back of my brain has already
come to the front and has been busy driving the bus
before I ever pick up and use again. It is a conscious
choice, and a potentially deadly one at that. I will
never be cured. I can't afford to walk away from all the
things that got me clean and helped me to stay clean.
The only time I ever saw fear in my sponsor's face was
when I finally got up the courage and go tell him I had
relapsed after 4 years. He hugged me tightly and told me
he had already buried far too many friends, and didn't
want to bury another.
The addict in me was already hard at work before I ever
picked up that first drug, that first drink. The addict
was full of blame, anger, resentment, fear, sadness,
pain, and wanting instant gratification, instant relief
from all those unpleasant emotions.
Why did I relapse after 4 years? I became terminally
unique again. I knew what I had done in the past to stay
clean, I knew what was working for others, but I was on
a mission! I was going to 'save' the once clean addict
that I was dating at the time. The rules no longer
applied to me. Oh sure, I sat in meetings, but my head
was elsewhere, trying to figure out how to save him, how
to fix him. I had fallen back into that trap of thinking
my intellect was far superior to any of those other
people in recovery. They just didn't understand my
'mission', that I could surely do it my way, that I had
been clean long enough I could withstand any temptation,
even though I had quit doing so many of the things that
helped me to stay clean.
The addict was madly doing the happy dance of insanity
in my brain, driving the bus all the way to hell, and I
couldn't see that.
I read a post like Shane's, and I know it was nothing
short of a miracle that I was granted one more chance in
recovery, that I didn't die out there, that my two girls
didn't lose their mother, my parents didn't lose their
daughter, my brother didn't lose his sister.
For me, once an addict, always an addict. Today I am a
clean and sober addict, and a damned grateful one at
that.
My name is DeVon, and I have been clean and sober since
August 5, 1990. |
| Replies... |
imlost
inky |
Re: Once an addict, always an addict
Awesome post. Gave me chills. |
Paws
from
hell |
Re: Once an addict, always an addict
am also an addict ! To everything !
But I don't feel any shame , I'm actually grateful for
it. I am proud to say I'm a recovering addict !
And every morning I rise and tell myself . I am an
addict, because the day I stop believing I'm an addict
is the day I use again.
Not even a pretty thought anymore !
Yes, I am a recovering addict................ |
SOS
1988 |
Re: Once an addict, always an addict
My roommate was clean off hard drugs for 10 years, he
used meth again, and additionally started doing smack
and got addicted. Lost his wife, stability, home, lives
in a dirty trailer completely miserable. Last i saw him
he was in the same boat as me, but i heard that he's
doing better and got off the shhhhmack |
danimal
55 |
Re: Once an addict, always an addict
Personally I feel that I'm *not* an addict any longer,
and I refuse to accept that death is the only escape
from such a stigma.
We have freedom of choice which includes deciding who
and what we are...right?
The greatest avatars of all the ages were here to us
this, weren't they?
When are we that healthy, recovered, spiritually and
emotionally stable and happy non-addict person that
would not consider a return to addiction?
Which leads back to the question...
When aren't we an "addict"?
Or are we trapped in the "addict" box for all of
eternity?
Is this a decision we make as individuals, or does a
"program" dictate this choice for us?
We ARE told to "keep an open mind" and "to think outside
the box"...aren't we? |
Tender
hearts
KS |
Re: Once an addict, always an addict
Quote:
Which leads back to the question...
When aren't we an "addict"?
Or are we trapped in the "addict" box for all of
eternity?
Is this a decision we make as individuals, or does a
"program" dictate this choice for us?
You're making my head hurt, dammit!
I don't feel 'trapped in the addict box' in the least!
Isn't the question, really, if what I'm
doing/working/believing in is working for me, if I am
clean and sober and reasonably happy and a productive
member of society, what does it matter if I'm 'in the
box' as you choose to see it?
I've never felt more free in my life
PS. Isn't it wonderful that we can agree to disagree? |
| Penel0pe |
Re: Once an addict, always an addict
Quote:
Personally I
feel that I'm *not* an addict any longer, and I
refuse to accept that death is the only escape from
such a stigma.
Cool! That means you can go get high again
without any consequences!!
I can't. I'm an addict. Addicts can't get high in
moderation. Addicts can't go drink socially, can't smoke
"A little meth" on the weekends, or "Party like the
normies" without consequences."
I have no problems, there is no stigma attached
to admitting who I am. I'm a mother, I'm a
nurse, I'm 44, I'm a woman, I'm a recovering addict.
If I was recovered, I could go use again!
I don't plan on getting high again either... but I
certainly don't pretend to be able to predict the
future, what trauma, tragedy, or future event might push
me back to the old ways of coping.
I'm certainly not going to pretend that after 3 short
years of clean time that I know everything there is to
know about staying clean. I know one thing - I am NOT
terminally unique, and when I start to separate myself
from the rest, I'm putting myself at risk.
But that's my "Program." It has kept me clean so far. |
danimal
55 |
Re: Once an addict, always an addict
And my question remains the same..."when aren't we an
addict any longer?"
I will continue to participate in 12 step recovery and
see it as THE LIFE LINE AS IT IS, especially for the
newcomer who certainly IS an addict by definition, but
I'll be the last to persuade that person that he or she
is an "addict forever", as I don't know this to be true.
I just have some questions, open-mindedness raises
questions, a willingness to learn raises questions.
These ?? aren't being asked to challenge anyone's method
of recovery or the principals they adhere to, they're
only simple questions and not directed specifically at
anyone, nor are they an attempt to persuade anyone that
they're an addict or not. IMO that is an individual
choice.
|
| Penel0pe |
Re: Once an addict, always an addict
I believe we are not addicts any longer when we aren't
alive any longer... because I sincerely do not believe
there will ever be a time that I will be able to get
high without consequences, control my drug use once I
start getting high, or ever be a "social" user.
I DO believe that there are people out there who CAN use
socially - I've met them! I've met people who can "Do a
little" and when it's time to stop, they stop.
I will never be one of those people, and that is why I
believe I am an addict... I am just an addict who is not
using today.
I feel it is really important that I never forget that,
because I don't want to ever get too overconfident and
let the "Addict out of the box" who tells me "Maybe you
CAN just smoke a little ________________ (Write
substance here.)
So for me, there's your answer. I'm still an addict, I
haven't recovered. Just like a diabetic who keeps his
disease in check through appropriate, daily maintenance,
I keep my disease in check through appropriate, daily
maintenance.
The type II diabetic has a better chance of being
"cured" than I do (If he loses enough weight.) That's
the only difference...
Of course, he could eat himself right back to type II
diabetes again just by making poor choices...
So is he still a diabetic?
Kinda the same thing as what you are asking, isn't it. |
| Lisa |
Re: Once an addict, always an addict
I have a question...why can't we refer to ourselves as
having an addictive personality rather than being an
addict?
TO ME, an addict is someone in active addiction or early
recovery. I have reached a point where I don't think of
myself as an addict anymore...I'm someone with an
addictive personality. Therefore, I know I can't ingest
certain substances. My addictive personality may very
well turn me back into an addict again.
Oh well...probably just semantics. |
| Penel0pe |
Re: Once an addict, always an addict
Lisa, I think anyone can call themselves anything they
want to call themselves!
I call myself an addict because that is what I believe
that I am. No shame for me there ... it is what it is.
I worry though about anyone who feels they are "Cured."
That scares me... but it is also none of my business, so
I apologize for my sarcasm, Danimal.
Your recovery is your business. |
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See also:
For those who believe addiction is a disease
Is addiction a disease?
What Makes an Addict?
Back to Crystal Meth & Methamphetamine Questions, Answers & Advice
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