KCI The Anti_Meth Site

How do you love yourself after Meth?

itsme ash	how do you love after meth? how can you love yourself? how do you come to terms with the sh*t you put yourself through? for making your life worse than it had to be? for f&#@ing yourself over? for selling yourself short? for doing it so long? how do you love yourself?
Replies...
itsme ash	Re: how do you love after meth? i hate roller coasters. i'm on one and the dam operator won't stop to let me off. up and down and up and up and up, now down i don't understand. is every body else like this? and what about anxiety or panic attacks? and dissociations? ugh, these are the times i feel hopeless. i am sad.
richs wife	Re: how do you love after meth? I think the key is forgive your self---we all have faults-- but if you look deep we all have good in us' ask for gods forgiveness and start that way -- You will find that that will make it easer to forgive your self he'll bring you peace.
itsme ash	Re: how do you love after meth? sadness and fear always turn into anger for me. i am furious. wtf is wrong with me?
JDP	Re: how do you love after meth? Anger comes from feelings of pain and hurt. It is a way of coping with your emotions. Maybe you feel more comfortable feeling angry than you do feeling scared or sad. Maybe that is just something you have done your whole life get angry instead of dealing with your emotions. You said something about disasociating, that is another kind of defense or way of coping. My boyfriend is the same way, he gets angry when he is hurt or when he is feeling abandoned.
itsme ash	Re: how do you love after meth? i have nights when i cannot sleep, no matter what i do. i cannot sleep. i want to use. i don't know why. he says to think about it and i can figure it out. i feel alone and unwanted, abandoned and dejected, useless and hopeless. i cannot succeed. i think reality is beating my ass right now. i can't believe i have hiv. i can't f&#@ing believe it. it's a fight between the emotions right now; will i cry or break sh!t. my stomach hurts. my throat hurts. my head is dizzy. i want a rig and some f&#@ing crap. feel it. i dont know whats wrong with me
imlost inky	Re: how do you love after meth? *Quote:* i dont know whats wrong with me For the first time in your life, you are putting it right. That is why you feel wrong. You are healing. Putting paid to all old debts, old hurts, and moving on. This is the hard part. How did I forgive myself? I like me now- I know it took every one of my life's experiences to get me here.I know if I changed one single incident, my destination would be altered. I am finally happy here- after a lifetime of running, I am happy here.Right now , with this moment, my life, my self, my family all feels good. If I changed one thing at all, I would not be here.I would not be the person I am. It took everything to make who I am today. What is done is done- it can't be changed. It is past. If I stay too much in the past,I lose my future. I lose today. And today is a beautiful gift just for me. I missed so much during my years of drug use- moments that can't be replaced, memories that will never come back. Too much. I don't want to miss any more. For whatever reason, I am here. I was meant to be here -right at this spot, right at this time- I just let this moment be what it is. You live for a reason- you are meant to be. Who knows what experience lies before you? If you use, you cheat yourself out of that experience - and it may just be the one that makes your life click for you. Just as it does for me. You have lost enough- what is done is done. You can't change the past -just today. Live it- instead of existing, Live your life. It took everything in your past to bring you here- I am glad you are here. The unknown is scary, it is. The urge to go back to the known is great- for awhile. Until what feels so strange feels so right. And it will, it will. The day will come when being clean is normal for you. Facing fears and facing feelings is just par for the course. That day will come. Until then - just for today. Live. Just for today.
itsme ash	Re: how do you love after meth? it was strange the feelings i possesed. it was as though i were still using, still back there, 96 days ago. wanting to badly the things that destroy me. i was cold. i was sweaty. i was craving. but i was clean. i prayed and i prayed and i prayed and eventually i fell asleep. WHEW! just for today, i'm happy it's not last night still. just for today, i'm happy i'm clean. just for today, i'm sooo freaking happy to be me. just for today, i will not pick up. thanks guys.
forget suzette	Re: how do you love after meth? I did the best I could, with what I knew at any givin' time. I came back. I'm trying to keep others from making the mistakes I made. "all we know is all we are" ---nirvana
cmom	Re: how do you love after meth? Now that it's another day, go look in the mirror. You've grown up and you are soooo beautiful, inside and out!! Remember where you came from and look at where you are now. YOU ROCK, ASH! Your friend
Penelope	Re: how do you love after meth? Ash, it's a process and it will take time - STAY CLEAN - that's rule number one. I worked the 12 steps and learned how to forgive myself - I needed outside help to get there. hang in there, sister. I know it's tough.
itsme ash	Re: how do you love after meth? this is a full time job. it's exhausting as f&#@ing! dammit! today i am clean and damn happy about it. even happier that i can FEEL the recovery process taking place. so why then, do i feel like i used last night? i feel like @#%$, physically. emotionally i'm so off the f&#@ing wall and outta the box-it's insane. i think i will shower today, my pits are wreaking from yesterday's bike ride to the grocery store. more and more i pay attention to myself and my surroundings and people and sh!t and i feel crazed. i can't concentrate on any fuking thing long enough. my attention span runs rampid with my thoughts. when i try to talk and my thoughts are all over the place i f&#@ing stutter and it bothers the @#%$ outta me. it's like, "GET TO THE NEXT f&#@ing WORD YOU DUMB FUK!" AAAGGGHH! i'm tired. i stink. ugh! this sucks. i hate drugs so much. i hate meth. i hate heroin. i wish they could inhabit a person who crosses my path on the wrong f&#@ing day so i could kill them. then all our drug related struggles would be over. we don't need anymore @#%$ to deal with. i'm having a hard time dealing with regular life @#%$ as my sponsor so eloquently pointed out to me the other night. LIFE REALLY IS HARD. i think i will ride my bike to the levy today and watch the sun set.
forget suzette	Re: how do you love after meth? you sound like you're ADHD. got meds?
itsme ash	Re: how do you love after meth? i have a lot of @#%$. the list goes on and on. i'm sure if i keep reading and keep getting tested for @#%$, i'll discover more and more @#%$ that i have. i didn't wanna take the fukin meds for my hiv, there ain't no way i'm takin some fukin pills cuz i can't focus. yeah i know, i'm still choosing to do @#%$ the hard way. one day i will learn to let people really really help me and take advantage of all the fukin help i can get. until then i am a stubborn fuker with a potty mouth, still making life hard for myself, and complaining about it every step of the way. this really is exhausting. i'm really f&#@ing pissed right now. i got no f&#@ing reason either. dammit. something just ain't right with this picture. just for today, i will keep my hands to myself and not punch the next fuk who crosses my path. i will not cause injury to anyone including myself. oh boy. this day is proving to be interesting. i can't wait to see how it ends.
Nicole	Re: how do you love after meth? It took a while for me to love you I am, who I was and what I had become, I prayed and prayed and asked for forgivness and one day I felt that I needed to be cleansed from all the wrong that I had done got baptised. And worked on loving myself the knew me, who I was now.
nine years clean	Re: how do you love after meth? *Quote:* how do you love yourself? I've just got to tell you. This was always such a quandry for me. People would always say: you can't love anyone until you love yourself. Well, see, I was a child of the 60's. We didn't think about ourselves. It was the generation of empathy and compassion for our fellow man, not ME. That thing about loving myself just never rubbed me right. I didn't feel ok about loving myself, especially because my own Mom didn't even love me. How could I love me? Well, all these years later, I understand. God taught me to love myself and my life, and to appreciate everything I have been gifted with and for every minute I am here on this earth. I love myself today because He has taught me that I am lovable. I am worthy. I am His child, His creation, and as long as I focus on what is good about me, instead of what is bad, then I DO love me. With all of my faults, I still do.