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Anyone start detaching while in relationship?

Anyone start detaching while in relationsip?
I am interested in hearing some of your stories about detachment. Everything I read says that is a start. Did any of you start detaching but were still in your marriage or relationship. I know I need to get a counselor to help me through this but I feel like steps towards detaching before separating will help me. I know everyone says that as soon as you do detach or separate yourself from the addict that you can begin to see more clearly. I just read a post from Jamie and it was so familiar, I am attached to the company and the routine of my husband and family, but I am left in the dark when he decides to use and take our family of course and what I have come to realize it that he will always take us of course and use until he gets help. One thing he has said is that he is not going to treatment and he can do this himself, I don't know why I am not listening and realizing he can't, b/c it just happens over and over again.
Re: Anyone start detaching while in relationsip?
hi i really don't have an answer for you but maybe if i bring this back up to the front it will get another look at and someone could help you.

what i do know is that i am in the same boat as you with my husband and i have started going to alanon meetings and they have helped....some. it is hard, real hard i know.

i take it one day at a time and some days it kills me, just kills me. but what can you do? take care
Re: Anyone start detaching while in relationsip?
Detaching, to me, is the hardest. I'm sure you have heard of that book, "Codependent No More". There is a section on detachment and every time I came to that chapter I wouldn't read it but finally I did. Actions speak louder than words and I have heard my ex tell me for 2 1/2 years he could quit this drug on his own but that was just to get his foot back in the door and I believed him, he is still using. If you haven't read that book, I recommend doing so.
Re: Anyone start detaching while in relationsip?
I agree - read, read, and read some more. I finally feel like I'm getting there, but I don't know how to put it into words.

I would also recommend reading, "Love is a Choice - Recovery for Codependent Relationships." What I didn't find in "Codependent No More", I was able to get out of this book. It really worked through steps on realizing how you became the way you are and ways to better yourself. This book also focuses on the relationship - working it out if you're able (and not just turning your back on the addict).
cortyshell Re: Anyone start detaching while in relationsip?
I didn't detach from my addict until AFTER I left him.

When I left it was a spur of the moment fly by the seat of my pants type thing.

Then the pain was so unbearable, I think detachment was my only way to deal with that.

I didn't realize I had done it, for quite some time afterwards.

You go from nonstop crying .... then you just stop, don't even notice you have stopped.

Till one day something terrible happens and you DON'T cry, and you think and realize you haven't felt anything or really cared about anything in such a long time.

By then your walls are built up so high and strong you don't know how to break them.

People detach as an escape, the same reason people turn to drugs, a means of avoidance of ones life and emotions.

Looking forward to becoming emotionally numb isn't something I would suggest cause it takes A LOT of hard work to become "normal" again.
Re: Anyone start detaching while in relationsip?
I don't think she means detachment in that sense, coryshell (I know what you're saying ... I've been there too).

I think she's asking about detachment, as it relates to her own recovery ... you always hear people say, "Detach with love", etc. You need to detach yourself from the chaos of the situation, detach yourself from the addict (it's not yours to do), etc.

I do agree that it's hard to do when you're still in the situation. I'm not sure I could have done it if my addict was still in the home. For me, the separation came first, and then the detachment.
cortyshell Re: Anyone start detaching while in relationsip?
For me it was one and the same....
Re: Anyone start detaching while in relationsip?
Yeah the book Codependent No More has really helped me understand more about detachment and acceptance. I had to start detaching from my addict or else I would go insane. I'm due 11/05 and he's currently running the streets once again. I can't change him and I can't cure him. Actually I'm not really that upset. I've come to realize that I was used to his company be it good or bad and I was uncomfortable being alone. I feel that I don't feel I'm in love with him at this point, probably because of all the crap we've been through at this point I feel numb. Once I got used to him not living with me and not being around all the time I started to feel a lot better. I got used to being alone and now I actually kind of prefer it. I miss him at times and I really wish I could count on him being there when his son is born but I've come to accept that I cannot rely on him right now. So I'm resigned to the fact that I will probably be alone with just my Mom for support when I have our son. The only way he will be there for the whole thing will be if he is going through one of his clean spells which last 5-7 days before he gets overwhelming cravings to use again. I've told him time and time again that if you don't act on the craving they do become less intense. The cravings occur at 5-7 days because that's when the drug is really exiting the body and you start to crave because the body is used to having that substance in it. If you don't act on those initial cravings things do get better. I guess he's just not willing to give himself a chance to heal right now. It's kind of like picking a scab over and over. Whenever it starts to heal the person picks it and makes it bleed again, that's what weekly relapse is like. I still cry when I think of being alone while having our son but deep down I know it's best to just accept the fact because I wouldn't want him there if he's using anyways. Talk about embarrassing, showing up all tweeky and crap. That would piss me off! So I've just been sticking to helping myself by doing my counseling, acupuncture, etc. I went to my one on one counseling appointment this morning after going to acupuncture. My counselor helped me apply for a housing program for single mom's. She said there are some immediate openings. We'll see what comes of it. I kind of want to stay with my Mom for awhile because I will need her help with the baby and staying with her makes it easier to not have a codependent relapse and let my addict move back in or something dumb like that. I guess this program pays for housing for single mom's but you can't have a guy living with you. So it's a perfect program for me. I guess you find an apartment you like within the price range and if the apartment complex is willing to accept payment from this agency then you're in. If I go through with it I will look for a place really close to my Mom. Sorry about going on and on about my situation. Good luck in detaching. The best advice I can give to you is to get that book because it makes things a lot easier and you will really get a clear picture of how and why to detach. My guy is homeless and sleeps where he can. This used to be a reason for not kicking him out, I didn't want him to be on the street. I had to realize that I wasn't making him live on the street, he was. He's the one choosing to use drugs and give up his home and sense of security. Take care.
Re: Anyone start detaching while in relationsip?
What is scary to me, is I feel I have detached and so staying and supporting him through this is very very hard for me, very hard to stay-because I have detached, it's hard for me to have the feelings I need to support him. Yes, it was definitely a defense mechanism for me, otherwise I think I would have had a total breakdown. But, now when I say I love you or something, it just feels/sounds so empty to me and I think he sees/hears it too. I do love him, but I have walls up. I think the counseling I am starting will help me with this. But when you lose all trust in someone, but also love them and stay with them, those walls just go up. I explain to him in letters like this: LOTS OF CONSTRUCTION AHEAD, ORANGE BARRELS EVERYWHERE!!
Re: Anyone start detaching while in relationsip?
The Al Anon program has a lot of tools to use in detaching and guidelines to doing it with love and compassion-the whole program is really about detaching and has been a lifeline for me.
Re: Anyone start detaching while in relationsip?
You can also try reading some stuff on meditation. The Tibetan Buddhists talk about detachment. I've been reading some books by The Dalai Lama. They don't try to convert you to Buddhism or anything. They will tell you the Buddhist point of view on things, but they're not trying to convert you. The meditation stuff is really cool. They believe in detachment from things. The one I'm reading right now is "An Open Heart: Practicing Compassion in Everyday Life". Their philosophy is that too much attachment to things and people is harmful. I can't really explain the details better than that.

When I feel stressed out sometimes I just look at the cover of that book. The Dalai Lama's face is so relaxing, and kind looking. Anyway, I really like their ideas, and how non-pushy the Dalai Lama is about what particular religion you might practice, he still thinks learning about compassion and certain things is helpful to people of all faiths, or no faith.
moe Re: Anyone start detaching while in relationsip?
To me, detachment can mean different things depending on what stage your in. I detached while in my relationship but I really didn't detach until recently and I don't think I've fully detached. For me my ex does things that piss me off but I ask myself can I change this and the answer is no I can only change the way I react.
Jamie I've read your posts since you started here. I've been a lurker on kci since Nov 05. I was with and addict for 9 1/2 years, we have a 6 year old together, were divorced now and he's still an addict. I like to read your posts you've made tremendous growth in a short period of time. I threw my ex out in Aug of 06 cause he was using and dealing out of our house, we went back and forth for about a year trying to make it work but he as long as he's in active addiction things always ended up the same. I love him with all my heart but finally I've learned to detach and say that I can only control me. I just have some advise to tell you from parent to parent. I know everyone is different but my ex was #1 dad until meth took control. I just wanted to tell you being a parent is probably the best experience you could ever have in your life. Your child is a part of you and there's nothing closer than you can get to that. Anyway back to my advise. If he isn't involved don't let it ruin your experience. I remember when our son had his first basketball game and my ex didn't show I spent the whole game being pissed and then I told myself you can't change what he does why are ruining your time because of him. I'm just saying there are going to be so many wonderful moments with your new baby whether he's there are not don't miss out on the wonderful experience because of him. Take care and stay strong.
Re: Anyone start detaching while in relationsip?
I see how some can detach emotionally from a person in the home.

So what's he doing to help himself??
Does he have any self-help books??
Outlets besides drugs??

Thought I'd ask. I quit and am recovering without treatment...
I had and still have books about all kinds of things that pertain to my continual recovery. I also have done counseling... one on one. I search and search within what makes me comfortable to keep learning about me and mine.

Hope things work out for you all.
Much peace

See also:

When is the best time to leave a meth addict?

I need advice, is my marriage over because of Meth?

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