KCI The Anti_Meth Site

Fear of taking care of myself

Juliett55	Fear of taking care of myself.... I have this fear that I really want to overcome, but don't quite know how. There are always times when we don't hear from our recovering addict, and that might be the time when we need to take care of ourselves. But it's like I'm afraid to. Afraid to take my mind of off praying for him or thinking of the ways I can be a help now and in the future. A lot of what ifs... Afraid to go out with friends; I have gone out with a lot of guys just to make my friends and parents happy I'm dating, while the one I love is struggling, and I'm tired of it!!! It's like I don't want to pretend I'm OK. But I know I need to get out and just live my life, not feel constipated always thinking of what I can do for him and trust that things will work out the way they supposed to work out, and that I'm doing enough. Just how do I cross over to a little more freedom? Has anyone had a problem of the same type?
Replies...
Indiana shedevil	Re: Fear of taking care of myself.... I know what that feels like... I can only tell you what my issues were and what made me feel like that. Classic co-dependant behavior. I aimed to please. I didn't do anything constructive, positive or pleasurable for my "self". I felt my life didn't have meaning unless I helped others or fixed problems... I was a classic "enabler". I finally feel the freedom that it sounds like you are yearning for. I faced my fears of "the unknown" and went forward. I realized that all the fears that I had came only because I had such low self-esteem that I doubted myself and what I was truly capable of doing. Breaking my codependent nature is what brought me "my" freedom. I refused to focus on fixing "his" problems or wondering about what was going on with him. That is his business, not mine... It took a lot of work to get here but its worth it.
Juliett55	Re: Fear of taking care of myself.... Thank you Indianashedevil. I hear you. I don't think everything I do is codependent, the knowledge has definitely helped me and him, but the part of not feeling worth of not worrying about him is totally codependent. It's like I don't trust the Higher power and I really really want to.
Tender hearts KS	Re: Fear of taking care of myself.... I understand completely what you are saying. It wasn't until I was a shell of my former self, that I was completely drained, that I knew I had to let go and start taking care of 'self'. I have been through that more than once in my life, and 7 years ago when my ex-fiancé just up and disappeared, I finally hit 'rock bottom' emotionally and knew I could no longer put myself in the position of NOT focusing on myself and working on my own recovery. I've worked too hard and come too far. It was a slow gradual process, but I have come to the point where I am comfortable in my own skin (that alone is a miracle), I like who I am, and I'll let God take care of the addict in my life
Indiana shedevil	Re: Fear of taking care of myself.... Like I said... I can only tell you about why I felt that way. I totally understand where you are coming from as far as not trusting your Higher Power completely. It took me a very long time to be able to surrender. It was like I needed a safety net or something! I finally understood that surrendering to my Higher Power was MY safety net. I felt like my life was a scratched record that keep skipping. Or like that movie "Groundhog Day".
luve piphany	Re: Fear of taking care of myself.... FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT It works pretty well for most recovering addicts of anything
Juliett55	Re: Fear of taking care of myself.... Thank you all. Your shares are so so helpful to me right now. I agree, higher power is a safety net.
jacksmom	Re: Fear of taking care of myself.... This is exactly why WE, AS PARENTS, have to teach our children from early on, to be self-sufficient. It saddens me to see women who are so afraid of being alone that they will settle for a less than GREAT relationship. The 'suppression' of women hasn't come as far as we think...
BentBut NotBroken	Re: Fear of taking care of myself.... QUOTING JULIET: Afraid to take my mind of off praying for him or thinking of the ways I can be a help now and in the future. A lot of what ifs... I'm still new to the site but have been made to feel safe and so at ease by everyone......for that, Thank You all! In one of my earlier posts I stated: I admit I am addicted to the addict. I was wrong..... I got to thinking about this alone and quiet. Yes, he is a meth addict and only he and God know when he will turn his life around to recovery. God watches over him constantly and knows his life's full course--just as he knows mine, the (former) addict--from before we were twinkles in our parents eyes till far beyond the grave. That is some awesome coverage, safety, and protection that I as a human cannot give him. I released the man I love to God's, great, tender, love and care fully today when I took some time alone and quiet. I am now free to love him unselfishly and healthily until he does choose recovery. Learning to Let Go and Let God doesn't mean I can't still love him and hurt for him...it just means I'll prayer more intensely now.
Juliett55	Re: Fear of taking care of myself.... Thank you very much BentButNotBroken. I really like your post. I feel like that too very often; it's like I have to come back to my own truth and the fact that my road is different than a normal girl's road. He doesn't treat me badly when he is around, in fact makes me feel beautiful inside and out. It's just that he is not around very often. But regardless, I know he is the person for me. I just have to learn to take care of myself and be able to let go of thinking or abscessing about him all the time. That's not good in any relationship, but harder when you know the person may not be safe. But I know, up's and downs will continue for quite a while. I just think it's possible to love an addict, to be a positive support, when an opportunity shows up, and to value my own life too. I'm not there yet........the last part is the hardest... Thank you all, I feel like I have grown a bit just through tonight.