KCI The Anti_Meth Site

Can an addict receive too much encouragement?

Juliett55	Is there such thing as being too encouraging? I have a question for the addicts on the site. Is there such a thing as being too encouraging for the addict? I know that there are times when the addict hates himself and thinks others should too. My addict showed the signs of wanting to get things cleaned up, he seems to want what I have; honest simple life and unconditional love. But again, wanting is great but actually following through all the way is very hard. I'm very aware of that and I'm just trying to encourage him no matter what. I get very confused when I don't hear from him for a while but he does communicate to other people; people that don't know he is an addict or not necessarily supportive. I guess, some times, I feel like the "Legally blond"....cheerfulness treated with silence. We don't live together, but I send him something encouraging may be every 4 or 5 days. Sometimes he answers, but other times he'd go a week or more being silent. Is is too much support, or am I just beating myself up for no reason?
Replies...
Sfj	Re: Is there such thing as being too encouraging? I don't think there is such a thing as too much encouragement any more than too much love. But misguided or untempered love or encouragement can backfire. It is really tricky, that's why people spend lifetimes trying to study the subject, write books, attend classes and workshops, go to seminars, get counsel, therapy, and support groups etc. People like Dr, Phil have become ultra millionaires telling other people how to behave and feel.
nineyears clean	Re: Is there such thing as being too encouraging? Here's my take on that: If what you are doing makes you feel good about yourself and doesn't create emotional pain for you, do it. How much love and support and encouragement you give is up to you, as long as you don't expect anything in return. Understand?
Juliett55	Re: Is there such thing as being too encouraging? Thank you both of you. I totally understand what you are talking about. Not expecting anything in return is sometimes hard and sometimes I forget that. I see what you are saying Sfj, this field is very tricky. Something to say for dealing with devil's tricks....and I'm sure it's what addict is dealing with too... But why so often do they not answer good emails??
luve piphany	Re: Is there such thing as being too encouraging? Oh Juliette, and why don't they answer the phone, show up for dinners, make it for special days, happy times, massages, playtimes, sex, work for themselves or others, call their mom's, dad's, sister's, brother's, girlfriends,l awyers???????? For me, men seem to be un-understandable sometimes as it is, but meth addicts?? The most completely frustrating UN-UNDERSTANDABLE RIDICULOUSLY CRAZY people I've ever known and loved. Today, my boyfriend (well whatever he is) the addict I love and who says he loves me and has done a fairly good job of it for a few years despite the meth addiction and people & cell phone and trouble addictions, told me that the reason he didn't come by his old home (the only home he really has) for 6 days or call or answer the phone for 4 days is because HEEEEE was depressed and confused and HEEEE wasn't trying to hurt me, but HEEEEE just didn't want to deal with anything but work. See, he is facing a lot of tough things-jail and or getting clean-QUITTING METH and he is scared to death to put one foot forward no matter how much it hurts me, my feelings, or anybody else's or hurts him or puts him backwards. I understand a little more each day-just a little. I loved him, treated him with respect and grace, nurtured his spirit, fed him healthy wonderful food, prayed, cried, threatened, begged, begged God, went to meetings-both Al-Anon and NA, read books, asked anyone I could and STILL could not understand why. I'm not a meth addict and he didn't act like he was all wacked out when I did talk to him....just plain mentally ill-depressed. So, when God moved me, I got up the courage and went to him. He was sleeping in a storage shed. Didn't have someone else, just was scared and depressed. I did find that he had actually talked to someone about acceptance and I know he had read some of the best NA material I had left in the truck and said he loved being at home....but he didn't follow me home. I understand, but I don't. Learning to accept that I can't understand fully is what I'm working on. So, to sum it up, I have to tell you that you are so not alone in wondering if it's too much, too little, too big, too small. Letting go and letting God take the reins and lead you to what makes you feel good inside and if it doesn't feel good then stop. I think that's all we can do when we don't understand. I love ya
Juliett55	Re: Is there such thing as being too encouraging? Thank you so much luvepiphany. Some times I think that is how he feels and that is why he is not responsive, but hearing your story is sooo sooo helpful. I'm just trying to get through the day and not give up, I too love him so much and am willing to learn and be patient. Some days are just so hard, hard to get up and do anything for myself because I haven't heard form him. And he never acts crazy around me just depressed or feels like a looser. Thank you so much for sharing.