KCI The Anti_Meth Site

What is meth Recovery, really?

At the beginning of September last year, my world turned upside down. The police raided my house, and those of my associates. I was fired from my job (the only thing I loved like I loved my ice), and during the month I spent in jail, fighting to get remand removed and the possibility of bail, tweekers completely emptied my house of everything. I got bonded out, and wandered around San Antonio for a little while, before finally taking a cab home, and finding that I no longer had a home. At least my car was still in front of the house, so I was able to peel the sticker off of it and drive away. I went to stay with my parents. I had just slept for a month in jail, more or less, but I still had no energy. I was as weak as a kitten. I spent 8 months with them, on a country house in the woods northwest of Houston. I left that house less than 10 times in 8 months. I did a lot of gardening, but mostly I just slept and thought and fought the urge to go back to San Antonio, where all my ghosts were, and where I knew I could find myself back in the saddle with my addiction in a matter of minutes. Well, I won my court case in April without ever even appearing in court. My lawyer was able to get all the charges dismissed. I started sending resumes out again, in the hopes of salvaging my career. I got a bite up in Dallas, and a week ago, I moved there with a suitcase full of clothes. A childhood friend has opened his house to me for a month, even though I cause friction I think, in his relatively new marriage. So, I'm clean, and I have been for 9 months now. That's nearly a year. I haven't replaced the addiction with another - nothing but coffee and cigarettes for me. I'm trying to fill the void with my work, which might not be the healthiest thing in the world, but its the only thing I really know how to do. I'm lonely. I can't talk to anyone about this. The friends that I once had in this city are still part of the underground scene, and I know that I can't put myself into a situation where I might be tempted. I'm strong, but I'm not that strong. I've never been to a meeting. I haven't had a day of counseling... I just stopped when I realized that I had no choice. If I'd done one more line of ice, I'd never have left San Antonio. I don't know what to do right now except go to work every day, eat right, sleep regular, try to exercise. I'm kind of scared at how emotionally out of whack I still am. I feel as if I could fall in love with the first person that smiled at me, and I feel as if I could fall back into the suicidal down spiral again too. I'm doing everything I know how to do to get better. To BE better. I think I need help.
- S

Replies

Angie -
   I think recovery is when we can learn to be honest with ourselves .... and it sounds like you are doing that .... Yea for you ... I don't know you but I am very proud of you ... and all you've accomplished .... I understand all those feelings you've described ... 110% ... I am almost 19 months sober but and I am still emotionally out of whack ...But it gets a little better each day ... Trust me as long as you stay sober things can only get better ,... keep posting here ... keep talking .... welcome to the Board

dottiegirl -
   Your story is touching and you have made great strides to beat this ...in my opinion what you need now is treatment be it meetings or groups ..there are people you can share this with ..people that will benefit from your story...one of the first things I learned about recovery is that you have to share what you have ...this drug is so widespread ..and it doesn't discriminate at all...find meetings ..fellow addicts to share with and learn from...this website is wonderful for that your life is starting over and you can find new friends that have the same goals ...to stay sober and enjoy life without meth. You will struggle ..we all do .. meetings and the people you will find there can help you thru those times and YOU can help others..you stopped using on your own when you went to jail...you were lucky in the fact you didn't go to prison ...you have fought a hard battle but understand that recovery is not just stopping the use its changing your whole lifestyle which it seems you have started to do..and that is good ..but fighting the battle alone is hard and you need support in this PLEASE seek out a group or meeting in your area...continue your recovery and share your story ....congratulations on 9 months and I hope you find the peace and fulfillment you deserve..

mkf -
   This may sound silly to some - but why don't you put some energy into helping someone else? Not someone else with a drug problem - but maybe some other situation? There are plenty of programs where volunteers are needed to help out. It is fulfilling and you would be doing something kind for someone else, it would take the focus off and give you another way to spend some free time.

Annette -
   I first of all would like to say "Welcome to the Board"!!!! Stay with us here, you will find lots of love and encouragement and a tremendous amount of support!!! By coming here and sharing your story with us, and saying you need help, is actually a HUGE step in recovery. You are on the right track. I'm very proud of you, and how far you have come! You can do this, and I will help you. I'm 7 years clean, I used for 2 years on a daily basis. I quit on my own, and I know its hard. But if you have been clean for 9 months, That is actually very awesome!!! It's so good, you went and stayed with your parents and stayed put there, Now you are out on your own again, and you are feeling nervous and afraid I'm sure. Let me tell you: All of these feelings are so normal! Before going to jail, you faced life, High! You covered up everyday issues being High. You didn't have to face "real life". I did the same thing...most all on this board did the same thing. Then you went to your parents which was wonderful, that you got away from all your "old friends". Now you are out and trying to find a job, and having to face life, for real. It is scary. I know it is. But it can be done. I know that you can do it. I think its good to get involved in your work, if you love your work, it keeps your mind focused and on track. After I quit, I will admit, I was very depressed. I went to my doctor and was prescribed antidepressants, to get me over the rough part. I do not take them now. I took them for about 3 years. If you think suicide thoughts a lot, you might should see a doctor. Be honest with them, and tell them your story. That way they can help you in the right ways. Stay close to your parents..it sounds like they showed a lot of support of you. Make new friends.. Find a hobby. Do something that makes you smile. I promise you can do this...Come here, we will help you...When you have no faith or strength, I will carry it for you...I will help you...Just let me know. Take Care...I'm very Proud of You.

Annette -
   S, Keep coming here and venting, type away at that keyboard. You will find that through this board and coming here, you will gain so much strength. You will look forward to coming here..I do. I've been with this board for over 2 years...I came here to talk about my sister who is a meth addict and married to her dealer. This board has helped me tremendously and been a huge part of my life. I'm glad you found us. I can promise you that it does get easier, it really does...I've been clean for over 7 years, and once in awhile while driving I think I can smell a meth lab, and im sure that is what it is, because I smell at the same locations. But I do not crave or want it, I literally get sick at my stomach now at the thought of using. You will, with each new day gain strength. It does get better... Look in the mirror and be so proud of yourself, You saved your own life, Now you will have a future, Life is out there and its waiting for you..it has a lot in store for you. Reach for the Stars! I know you can do it. Stay close to your parents, they sound awesome!! Wake up each day, and think of a positive in your life since you have been clean. Do this daily, it helps a lot. You wont run out of things to be thankful and positive about. Keep coming here... Soon, you will be replying to others post, and give wonderful advice, that is when you will say "Wow, I have come so far". Stay strong..don't ever give in to the urge...cause the urge will decrease each day..slowly but it will. I'm proud of you, and your new job!!! Its all gonna be alright... You are gonna beat this... Annette

stn -
   I don't really know how to answer that question, I am not an addict myself. I come to this board because my 21 year old daughter has been addicted to meth for almost 2 years. all I know is I have found friends here that understand. there are all kinds of us here, all of us share one similarity, our lives have been shattered my meth. parents, children, friends and addicts themselves, we all come here to feel less alone. you have done the most important thing you stopped the insanity of using meth. from everything I have learned here it takes about the same amount of time as you were using to start to feel normal again. good luck, come around talk to us we will understand. you will find friendship here.

uncertain -
   Hi S, I am so glad you have come here to share your story. I have been affected by meth in another way, but have found continuous support and a whole lot of strength from the people of this board. It sounds like you have made significant steps towards the process of recovery even though it may at times not feel so. Congratulations on your 9 months of sobriety. Because it seems as though you still struggle with pain and temptation, it might be a good idea to consider an appointment with a counselor or therapist. I think it's great that you have found a new job in a different city and it sounds like you are very motivated to be successful. Be careful not to overwork yourself this time around and understand that it is important to find pleasure in other activities than just work. It's great that you have so much drive and determination, but you also need to think about your emotional and physical health. Please keep visiting this site -and take care.

S -
   Thank you very much. I kind of feel like a sap fishing for compliments or something... bleh... but I need to hear this stuff right now. I haven't been quite right in my head that last few days. I have a plan though. And I've set some rules for myself about working too much. I've promised myself not to go in on weekends, and not to stay more than 10 hours on any given day during the week. I've already broken both of those, and I'm in my second week at this job LOL... but I feel okay about it... I think they were legitimate emergencies, and not indicative of escapism on my part. The plan is this... stay with my friend for one more week, then take my first paycheck, and rent a room in someone's house (one of those newspaper ad deals - room for rent, access to washer/dryer, etc...), and then plan on saving the bulk of my income for a place of my own... while budgeting enough to get a membership at a gym. I think if I work on making my body strong again, maybe my heart and mind will follow along. I've lived like a monk for the better part of a year now too, which is kind of depressing... but I don't think I'll be ready to start dating again for a while yet. So that's sort of a rule too... no flirting with that incredibly cute blonde technician in the office :P Masochism! I haven't been to church in 20 years now. I'd be lying if I said I had even a shred of faith in me... but I'm seriously considering going back. I think the structure might help me.

Jenn -
   Hi. I am glad to read a success story. I have never been on meth before, so I am a nobody in that respect. However, my husband has been battling it for about 9 years. So, I can see the effects. I think you are doing great by just talking about it and realizing how your life was while on meth. I have a hard time getting my husband to even admit it. To me, you are very strong and should feel very proud of staying away from it and starting your career again. You are great. Never give up.

veronica -
   I'm angry that my friend is an addict but looking at your email has helped me be more compassionate. I am coming to this sight for the first time. I guess in my own judgmental mind I never thought what a scary thing this could be to someone on the other end. At first I was sad and felt like an idiot when I found out but then I got really depressed about it then I'm at the point I'm at know because everyone is helping her and she thinks that I'm the one that is bringing her down but the people she has become close with are her drug friends. Then her mother just gave her 2300 dollars last week and she knows she has a problem. I'm pissed then a couple of us tried to talk her mother into an intervention and she decided against it. She has already been through rehab. Could you give me some advice being a FORMER user, and I say that with the biggest heart I am proud of you and I will say a pray for you tonight. May God bless your life. You have made one of the biggest choices you will ever have to make, everyday you are choosing to be clean. Take it one day at a time. God bless you.

ScareMom -
    You sound like such an incredibly strong person. I would give anything for my son to be at the point you are now. I just found out that my son is a meth addict and he is not ready to quit. Your story gives me so much hope that one day he will. Thank you so much for sharing it.

S - Thank you very much.
   I kind of feel like a sap fishing for compliments or something... bleh... but I need to hear this stuff right now. I haven't been quite right in my head that last few days.
   I have a plan though. And I've set some rules for myself about working too much. I've promised myself not to go in on weekends, and not to stay more than 10 hours on any given day during the week. I've already broken both of those, and I'm in my second week at this job LOL... but I feel okay about it... I think they were legitimate emergencies, and not indicative of escapism on my part.
   The plan is this... stay with my friend for one more week, then take my first paycheck, and rent a room in someone's house (one of those newspaper ad deals - room for rent, access to washer/dryer, etc...), and then plan on saving the bulk of my income for a place of my own... while budgeting enough to get a membership at a gym. I think if I work on making my body strong again, maybe my heart and mind will follow along.
   I've lived like a monk for the better part of a year now too, which is kinda of depressing... but I don't think I'll be ready to start dating again for a while yet. So that's sort of a rule too... no flirting with that incredibly cute blonde technician in the office :P Masochism!
   I haven't been to church in 20 years now. I'd be lying if I said I had even a shred of faith in me... but I'm seriously considering going back. I think the structure might help me.