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Help for my Meth daughter - Do I support her on a limited basis?

help for my daughter
Just found out my daughter has been using meth for over a year. She told me. I'm supporting her financially, as I thought she was going to college, but obviously this explains why she is flunking out. Our relationship has been very strained during this time, but the teenage years were difficult too when meth wasn't involved. Now she tells me she has stopped using for six weeks and is planning to move far away with her boyfriend. Apparently this was precipitated by her boyfriend ending up on probation and needing to stay clean or face prison. They want to move somewhere else to get away from the drugs where they are. She has lied to me repeatedly and there is no trust. In some ways I feel my daughter is dead, at least the child I knew and loved is not there. Their plan won't work without some continued help from me to get on their feet. So what to do from here. Do I continue to support her on a limited basis and be grateful that she has taken the first step in being honest. Do I tell her no more support unless she is in formal treatment, which I think she'll resist as she's already stopped and has been resistant to therapy for other issues in the past. I'm not happy about her boyfriend, think she would be better off without him, and it's pretty clear the meth use has them involved with some pretty unsavory folks. She seems to think they can kick this together.
Re: help for my daughter
not to sound mean but i think you need to cut her off. any kind of financial help you give will not be used toward what they say. she will continue to lie so she can get money. my mother is addicted and has been now for almost 10 years....she has spent $60,000 in less than 2 years with nothing to show for it. My grandmother let her move in and she has taken every bit of money she can get and spent it on that stuff and grandma just inhibits her by giving her a place to do it. i think if you really want to help her dont do anything. let her hit rock bottom and then try to bring her back to reality. but i dont know, you may want to keep helping to keep her off the street but that may not do her any good. heck i hope and pray that you can get help for her soon....try re-hab and intervention. tell her all the brain damage it causes and pain it causes you, the FACT that it can make people think there are bugs.... yes BUGS in their skin! and that it does nothing but hurt those around her! if she does not stop soon it will get so much worse. I PRAY FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILD!!!

lots of luck
Re: help for my daughter
I am an only child and recovering addict. My parents have always "helped" me financially. By enabling me I was able to feed my habit and spiral out of control resulting in jail and court ordered treatment.

My story sounds alot like your daughter's and I have to say. She will continue to lie to get money from you. She will tell you she is clean when she is not. She will tell you the boyfriend is clean when he is not.
They want to move somewhere else to get away from the drugs where they are. She has lied to me repeatedly and there is no trust. In some ways I feel my daughter is dead, at least the child I knew and loved is not there. Their plan won't work without some continued help from me to get on their feet.
IMO without some kind of treatment or without NA moving to another city or even another state will not cure the addiction. Unless you truly go into recovery you will continue to seek out people you can find dope thru.

I continued to manipulate my parents over and over. The little bit of trust they had left in me I took and sh*t on it, trying to get my way. They finally cut me off completely.

I realize now they had no choice. They can do this without your financial help. It wouldn't be easy but it can be done.

I too have visited therapist all of my life and I hate them. You have to want to quit to open up and let someone help you and teach you how to recover. You really have to want recovery for yourself for it to work.

IMO helping her financially would only hurt her in the long run.
Re: help for my daughter
Here is what I had in mind. She is driving a car that I own, otherwise is basically broke. I could take back the car, cut her off, and then she may be on the street. She's young, pretty and I'm scared where this may lead if she's desperate. I won't take her home because of the people she's hung with. I've wanted her out of the town she is in for some time as I don't think it's a good place for her. She's been honest now, at least admitting the meth use to me. If I had my way I'd want her in rehab, to leave her boyfriend and get on with her life. On the other hand I've seen alot of folks in and out rehab and parents spending tons of money on treatment without lasting results. So do I support her plan, ie, let her use the car and a months living expenses until she finds work, as her plan is to remain drug free. What is the likelihood she can beat this without formal help. I guess I'm a little hesitant to cut her off completely when she's made a stab at being honest, but now that I know the truth I'm firmly committed to not enabling her drug use. Also I wonder if I will ever be able to trust her again.
cirogyra Re: help for my daughter
Sammy wrote:
In some ways I feel my daughter is dead, at least the child I knew and loved is not there.
I'm hearing you loud and clear on this one. I'm at the exact same spot with my daughter. And I think this is a healthy way of thinking of your relationship. The old parent-child bond is broken. Someday there WILL be a new one, if you stay available for it. But please don't feed that old, dead horse. It will never get up and walk again.
Re: help for my daughter
I'm new here, but not new to this drama.

I'm going through something similar with my husband. He started using 4 years ago. A year after he was into it, I made the decision to move us (there's actually a term for it - geographical displacement. Just remember, wherever you go, there you are. IT DOES NOT WORK). He quit on his own... for awhile.

Now I'm here, back in the same situation I was in 3 years ago, struggling to find the courage to just cut him off and let him fall. The difference between now and then? Now, there are two little one's who's lives are being affected.

My advice, from this place in the journey, do it NOW. Let her hit her bottom NOW. Make her get real treatment, real recovery NOW, while she's still so young, while there's still time for her to make her mistakes and make up for them. NOW, while she's not a mother. Don't wait until she's born more responsibility and there are more lives to be affected.

I'm learning my lesson the hard way. I wish you strength. I understand maternal love; as hard as it is for me to say NO MORE to the man I love, I can't even imagine how hard it would be to say it to my daughter. But if I don't do it NOW, I may have to say it to HER someday...
Re: help for my daughter
I am the mom of a drug addict. I am sorry you are going through this. I know that i had to go through "stages" of dealing with my sons addiction. I did learn that i can not give him ANY money at all. The money would just go for drugs. He was not allowed to drive our cars because driving under the influence was a posibility that we would not allow. If he drove will using he was risking his life and the lives of innocent victims. We would not support that kind of behavior.

In my experience drug addicts who have used together have a tough time getting clean together as they tend to be a trigger to each other.

Keep coming back here and learn and get support. It is tough and confusing but there are some great knowledgable people here.
Re: help for my daughter
I don't have a lot of words of wisdom, but I do understand where you are at. My son is 19 and recovering from Meth addiction (of about 6 years).

I vacillate between helping him and leaving him to his own choices. I support him financially and feel if he were out on the street he would not survive.

I think it would be very hard to "get your daughter away from the boyfriend". I would be very concerned as a parent if my child wanted to go far away. I understand the need to run from the mess they made here and the people they were involved with.

I would try to approach my daughter and see if she won't accept Rehab. Or, allow you to support her while she attends NA meetings, gets a sponser, works the program. It gets harder as they age - they want to live life on their own terms.

See also:

How do I help my addicted daughter

28 Yr old daughter getting angry, not appricating our help

Can I help my daughter when she will not admit she has a problem?

What should we do? 25 year old daughter using meth

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